Episode 6E – Doctor Monkey – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 6E Show Notes

Source: Chinese Mythology

This week on MYTH, we’ll continue Monkey’s epic journey to the west to retrieve Indian magic. The story is slowly nearing it’s conclusion after our break for a very special Valentine’s Day. This is the fifth episode on the epic tale of Sun Wukong, the Monkey King. If you haven’t heard the first four parts, I’d recommend going back and listening. The first episode provides a lot of back story on the Monkey King and on the Chinese cosmology, the second tells how this whole quest thing got started, the third tells Sanzang got tricked into banishing Monkey from the party, and the fourth tells how Sanzang ended up hanging from a tree surrounded by bandits. To summarize, Monkey was trapped by Buddha and could only be released if he served the monk Sanzang on his journey to the west to retrieve the magic sutras from India. Along the way, getting into a stupid amount of trouble and getting out mostly through literal deus ex machina, they acquire two more disciples: Ogre and Piggy. Monkey managed to become even more immortal, but it didn’t help him against a scheming demon that convinced the kind of dumb monk that Monkey had killed a few people for shits and giggles. Given how many demons have shown up already, you’d think he’d be more open to the idea. After some sitcom antics, Sanzang figures out he’s been tricked and they all become one big happy party again just long enough for Sanzang to nearly get his dick sucked by a scorpion demon. Monkey gets the gods of the stars to burn her to dust (which seems harsh sense it looks like the poor demon lady really did just want to give the priest mind-blowing sex, but that’s mythology for you). Not long after, Monkey forgets how much trouble Sanzang gets into on his own and goes scouting. The monk s promptly kidnapped by bandits and strung up in a tree. In this episode, you’ll learn that Ogre is a tattle-tale, the evil twin trope is a lot older than Star Trek, and that all you need to be a great doctor is some hair. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s the feng shui monster who can make you rich but can’t take a shit. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 6E, “Doctor Monkey“. As always, this episode is not safe for work.

Monkey comes back to find the bandits waiting with the priest hanging above them. “Give us all of your magical shit, or the priest falls.” “Why the fuck shouldn’t I just kill you all?” The bandit chief smirked. “Big talk for a little monkey. There’s a lot of us and one of you.” Monkey walks up to the chief, grabs his staff, and smashes his head to bloody spits, spraying blood and brain all over the other bandit leaders.
The second bandit chief says “You caught him by surprise. There’s still a lot of us and one of you, asshole!” “Not for long,” says Monkey. “I’m going to kill each and every one of you. Then there will be one of me and none of you.” He smiled a toothy smile and knocked the head clean off of the second bandit chief with one blow. The rest of the bandits decide that not getting demon murdered is the better part of valor, so they toss their weapons down and flee in bloody terror.
Monkey watches them all go, then climbs up and lets Sanzang free. “Thanks for keeping me from being murdered and everything, but did you have to kill them? Couldn’t you have just scared them a little?” “Are you fucking serious, priest? You’re a damned fool.” He grabs the rest of the party, and they continue on.
That night, they stay at a farm. Monkey is washing the blood out of his fur and hears that the old man is the father of one of the bandits. His son and all of the remaining bandits are planning to ambush the group that night. Monkey walks out into the gathered bandits, sighs that he’s going to need to wash again, and kills all of them.
Sanzang comes out to wash up for supper and sees Monkey standing amongst blood-drenched body parts. He pales at seeing Monkey, who turns around and hands him the head of the farmer’s son. He tries to explain, but Sanzang says “I don’t want to hear, motherfucker! You are too damned bloodthirsty for a holy quest! Get out of my site. I don’t want you with me anymore.”
Left with an asshole priest who wants to take his ball and go home, Monkey does the only thing he can do. He tattles to mommy. After hearing the story, Kuan-Yin tell Monkey that, in her impartial judgment, murdering all of the bandits was definitely evil. Killing evil beasts and demons is a good thing, but killing humans is wicked, no matter how hard they were trying to kill you first. That isn’t what Monkey wanted to hear.
Pig and Ogre have gone looking for food, leaving Sanzang alone. Monkey sneaks into camp, hits the monk in the back of the head, and steals two bundles wrapped in blue felt. When Ogre comes back to find the priest rubbing his aching head, he quickly leaves for the Mountain of Flowers and Fruit, where Monkey used to live.
Monkey is a creature of habit, so of course that’s where he is. “What the fuck man? Why rob the priest?” “I don’t need him, man. I got a new master. I’m gonna go to Vulture Peak all by myself and get the magic scriptures. Then everybody will feel bad about the way they’ve treated me. Fucking assholes.”
Ogre turns to leave, but sees the whole party enter the cave, including Ogre. He does a double take. “What the actual fuck? I’m Ogre, so who the hell are you?” “I know you are but what am I?” Ogre decides fuck it and kills his doppelgänger, then runs off to Kuan-Yin. Sitting at her feet is that traitorous bastard Monkey! Ogre rears back to try and bash his goddamned skull in, but the goddess stops him.
“Slow down, Ogre. Want to explain why you were about to try and murder your teammate?” “Cause he’s a liar, a thief and a traitor!” He tells her the story, and she frowns. “Impossible Friar Ogre. Monkey has been with me for the last four days. It seems we have an imposter.”
Ogre and Monkey go to Monkey’s cave and find Other Monkey still sitting there. Monkey Prime screeches and swings his cudgel. As he fights, he tells Ogre that he will drive Other Monkey to Kuan-Yin’s house to sort out this evil twin scenario. Other Monkey tells Ogre the same thing. So here we have what has to be the first instance of the “Shoot him, he’s the evil twin” trope.
They fight their way there, but Kuan-Yin can’t figure out who is who, so they go to the Jade Emperor. He has the Heavenly King Li the Pagoda-carrier bring the demon-revealing mirror to look at them, still fighting, but it just shows two Monkeys. Sanzang tries the band-tightening spell, and both Monkeys shriek in pain.
Going for broke, everyone visits the Buddha. He immediately decides that the imposter monkey is a six-eared macaque monkey, who can hear everything that is said from hundreds of miles away, which is why he is such a good imposter. The Other Monkey suddenly shimmers into the form of a bee, but is trapped by Tathagata’s (an honorific title for Buddha) golden begging bowl (which seems like a contradiction). The bee shimmers again and stands revealed in his true form. Monkey promptly shatters his skull, which is why that species is now extinct.
Now that everything is settled, Buddha says “Monkey, stop being pissy and go with Sanzang to finish the journey.” Kuan-Yin follows with “And Sanzang, stop being a whiny bitch, and let Monkey help you. You’d be super fucking dead without him and I went to a lot of trouble.”
Begrudgingly, they all pretend they’re one big happy family and continue on. Even though it’s autumn, the air is getting warmer. They are close to the 800 mile wide Fire Mountains. As advertised, they are covered in flames. A helpful NPC they meet tells them that there is an iron fan owned by Princess Iron Fan (someone spent a lot of time thinking that one up) that can put out a fire with one wave, blow a wind with a second wave, and summon rain with a third.
Recognizing a side quest when he sees one, Monkey goes off to find her and the Bull Demon King she married. The princess listens to his request and says “Hell, no! My son, Red Boy, caught that meddlesome priest and was going to eat him like a good demon, but that damned Sanzang somehow converted him to Buddhism in the middle of it! Fuck you, I don’t believe in the dominant religion here, so I’m evil!” Naturally, they fight for the fan. After battling all day, Princess Iron Fan realizes she won’t be able to beat him, so she draws her magic fan and blows him away with it.
He goes to find Lingji (remember him from the Yellow Wind Monster back in Episode 6B?) who gives him a wind-fixing pull to stop the fan. Seriously, the chinese deities have more ridiculously specific gadgets than Adam West’s Batman.
He goes back to the fight, and this time the fan is unable to move him. Upset that her favorite toy didn’t work, she goes into her cave and shuts the door behind her. Since that is a terrible defense strategy, Monkey turns into a tiny insect, flies through the crack in the door, and is inside. He sees her drinking tea, so he dives in and hides under the froth. Once she drinks him, he changes back to his normal size stomps around. “Give me the fan, princess! I’ve got nowhere else to be today.” She promises to do so, and he comes out.
He takes the fan, pleased with himself, and jumps a cloud to take him the 15 miles to the mountain. The heat is intense, but Monkey is grinning. He blows the fan. Instead of going out the flames leapt higher. “That poxy bitch tricked me!”
Monkey finds out from the same extremely helpful NPC that the Bull Demon King, an old friend of his from that time he nearly became emperor of all creation, has ditched the princess and found a new piece of ass. Perhaps friend was too strong a word, because he attacks Monkey for getting his son converted to Buddhism too. Monkey can’t beat him, so he runs off to leave the king to fuck his new mistress.
Monkey turns himself into the Bull Demon King and wonders why he didn’t think of this in the first place. “Honey, I’m home!” “You asshole! Did you get tired of fucking that whore already?” But she has the serving girls lay out a feast just the same, because demon king. They both proceed to get roaring drunk, and Monkey asks her “So where is the real fan at? I’m worried that the super handsome Monkey King will trick it out of you, since his is very smart and clever.” The princess doesn’t notice the terrible acting, and spits out a tiny fan, the size of an apricot leaf. “And how does it work again?” She tittered drunkenly. “Did that jade slut suck out your brains when she sucked your dick? It’s your treasure! Don’t you remember that you have to pinch the seventh red tassel with the thumb of your left hand and say the magic word “Huixuhexichuihu” to make it grow to twelve feet long?”
Monkey drops the disguise, laughing. “I can’t believe that worked! Bye, felicia!” He dashes off and runs to the mountain to use it. It works like a charm. Monkey turns to leave and realizes that, in his haste to let her know how he had cleverly tricked her, Monkey forgot to ask the princess how to shrink the fan back. Shrugging, he throws it on his shoulder and trudges back to the group.
The Bull King has hears about Monkey’s little trick and decides that two can play at that game, goddammit. He changes himself into Piggy and walks into the camp, takes the fan, then walks back out again. Before he can leave, though, the real Piggy and Monkey come back, and yet another fight ensues. The Bull King summon a pack of his subjects, so Monkey and Piggy have to retreat without the fan.
“What now, Monkey? How do we get across the mountain if we can’t even get the bloody fan?” Monkey thinks for a second and says “Fuck it. This is too much work. We’ll go around the thrice damned mountain.” Suddenly, a local god appears to make a thinly-veiled parable about how leaving the straight and narrow path is a bad way to cultivate good behavior. Personally, I think bloody-headed stupidity isn’t a virtue, but I’m not a convenient plot device disguised as a god.
The local god goes back and talks to the Jade Emperor, who sends an a battalion led by Prince Nezha to help. He uses his demon-beheading sword to behead the demon, and I don’t know if that’s a description of the blade’s magic or just a statement of what it’s used for. The bull’s head falls to the ground, but rather than falling down dead, another head sprouts from the bloody stump. Since bloody mindedness is apparently a virtue, he cuts the bulls head off a dozen more times before trying something else.
He grabs his magic fire-wheel (see again the case for chinese gods being deific batmen) and hangs it on the Bull King’s horns, searing his face. The demon tries to transform into something safer, but Prince Nezha pulls out King Li’s demon-revealing mirror and so the demon is stuck in his true form. That leaves him only one option.
“I convert! I’m totally a Buddhist now, guys, so it’s cool.” The prince is slightly brighter than that. “Alright, if you’re a buddhist, then help us with this buddhist quest by giving us the magic fan.” “Wife! Wife, bring these nice gods the fan, honey!” Now remember, the demon has abandoned his wife for the last two years to fuck his mistress, and she was just tricked into thinking he had come home when in fact he hadn’t, so I really expect her to say “Fuck you. Let the monk’s have your corpse.” She does not. Maybe it’s the sight of all the very powerful Buddhists who will be coming for her next, so instead she says “I’m a Buddhist too now. Here’s the fan. No hard feelings, right?”
Monkey just takes the fan and walks away with the group. They soon come to the mountains, and with three sweeps, Monkey puts out the flames, summons a cool breeze, and starts a gentle rain. “About fucking time,” says Sanzang.
The party comes to a city and sees buddhist monks walking with chains and heavy boards hung from their necks begging. Sanzang asks what happened. “We were accused of stealing a buddha statue from the temple. We know it was blessed because it glowed at night and had good luck mist around it. But three years ago, it rained blood. Everyone was scared naturally, and the king asked his officials to figure it out. Instead, the corrupt government assholes blamed us. We were tortured for weeks, but couldn’t give them back the statue since we didn’t take it. Can you help us?”
Since Buddhists are always the good guys, Sanzang completely believes them and agrees to help. Monkey, and Sanzang wander through the temple and find two demons. Afraid that Monkey will do what he does best, they confess that Prince Nine Head, the son-in-law of the Dragon King, made it rain blood to cover his theft of the statue.
The demons are dragged before the king to confess, and the king says “My bad. Sorry, monks. Tell you what. To make up for the years of torture and abuse, we’ll have a banquet to congratulate your new friends on finding the real thieves. I think that makes us even. Also, new monk, you are formally invited to capture the real thief.” It’s impressive that he managed to make an apology and a request for help seem like giving permission to go to a ball game. Still, Monkey and Piggy each grab a demon and ride the wind to the Dragon Palace.
When they get to the patch of ocean it hides in, they drop the two demons from the clouds and yell at their plummeting forms “Tell Prince Nine Head that the dude who kicked heaven’s ass, the Grand Saint, Governor of Heaven is here.”
When his two relatives splash down, the prince throws on his armor and parts the waters around the palace. “What this I hear about some fucking grand saint governor? You’re dead, fucker. Nobody insults me in my own home.”
Monkey fights alone for awhile, but makes no headway, so Piggy joins in as well. Not liking the odds, he leaps into the air and changes to his true form, a giant nine-headed bird. The bird swoops by and grabs Piggy by the bristles on his chinny chin chin and drags him into the palace. Monkey quickly drags him back out, and the two talk strategy.
Just then, they see Erlang and the Six Brothers of Plum Hill, who beat Monkey during his revolt. Since they’re all on the same side now, Monkey asks the guy for help, and he agrees. Piggy goes out to the palace and shows his ass, daring Nine Head to do something about it. He bursts out of the palace, and Erlang sicks his dog on the demon, who bites off one of his heads. The monster realizes he is way outnumbered now and flees. It’s not problem now to go into the palace and get the statue back. They return it, then head on their way.
They come to a stone ridge, overgrown with brambles and thorns. Piggy says “I got this”, and uses a spell to make himself and his rake 200 ft tall, then sweeps the brambles off the road. Monkey is rather surprised it worked. Piggy shrinks back to normal size and the party heads down the road between the uprooted brambles.
They soon come to a stone tablet in the middle of the road. It says “Thorn Ridge – 250 miles of rampant thorns; Few travelers have ever taken this road.” As they read, Monkey sees motion up ahead. It resolves into a local god and his demon servant. “Hello Monkey, Sanzang. I am the god of Thorn Ridge. It’s kind of a shitty place, so I don’t have much, but I have tea and cakes.” The servant offers the tray. “There are no other homes for a few hundred miles, so I hope this helps.”
Piggy being Piggy, he immediately reaches for the tray, but Monkey slaps his hand and channels his inner Ahkbar and shouts “It’s a trap!” Monkey launches a strike at the local god’s head, but it turns into an evil wind and carries Sanzang away.
He finds himself in a pleasant cottage with the being who introduces himself as the 18th Lord of Thorn Ridge. “I’m not a bad guy, mister monk. I just want someone to talk about poetry and religion with.” He introduces him to his three friends, and they all ask for Sanzang to teach them, even though each claims to be over 1000 years old.
Sanzang, ever gullible, is flattered and does so. Around sunset, a fairy comes out of the cottage and sits next to him. As night falls, he keeps finding her sitting closer and closer. Eventually, she whispers in his ear “Tonight is a wonderful night for love, and I think you could be a great teacher.” The local god nods approvingly, and says “She’s super hot, right? You have terrible taste if you don’t think so.”
Sanzang has finally figured out what’s going on. “I don’t mind being kidnapped to talk religion, but how dare you try to seduce me!” “Calm down”, says the fairy. “You and I are going to taste the pleasures of the flesh.” Sanzang demands to leave, and the four old men restrain him. He struggles until daybreak, when he hears Monkey, Ogre, and Piggy yelling for him. As soon as they come into view, following the priest’s yells, the old men and the fairy vanish.
They continue on, and eventually arrive at the Lesser Thunder Monastery. Monkey has a bad feeling, but Sanzang tells him not to be a pussy and goes inside. As they enter the Buddha hall, a voice cries out “You came all this way from the east to worship, so don’t be so fucking casual about it!” Sanzang, Ogre, and Piggy immediately begin bowing furiously, but Monkey screams. “I know Buddha and you, sir, are not Buddha!” He raises his staff to strike the statue when a giant pair of cymbals appears and crashes together, completely enclosing him. The other three are seized by devils and tied up as the buddha statue is revealed as a demon king.
That night, the 28 constellations leave the sky to help Monkey escape. Monkey and the constellations fight the demon, who holds them at bay with his one-handed mace, and draws a pouch with his free hand. He throws it into the air, and it captures everyone. The demon throws the bag over his shoulder and carries everyone inside.
Monkey escapes again, and goes t the True Martial God of the North, the Heavenly Honored Demon Suppressor, for help. He sends General Tortoise General Snake, and five dragons. The demon uses his bag again, and catches everyone but Monkey. This happens a few more times, with Monkey asking for help, and the help getting caught in the bag.
Finally, the god Maitreya appears as a rainbow cloud. “That demon used to be my blonde bell ringer. I left him in charge of my palace one day, and he stole my future heaven bag and my wolf-tooth bell striker. I’m here to stop him.” “About goddamned time,” says Monkey.” “I ought to drag you in front of the Jade Emperor for negligence. Fix it, and I’ll keep quiet.” Maiterya says he has a plan.
Monkey goes back to the monastery and demands single combat. “If you didn’t have the fucking bag, I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back. The demon agrees to fight under exactly those conditions. Quickly, Monkey pretends to be losing and runs off, and the demon chases him. Monkey dashes into a melon field and turns into a juicy looking melon. Maitreya, pretending to be the farmer, offers the demon the Monkey-melon. As soon as he eats it, Monkey turns back and proceeds to whoop his ass from the inside. The demon king surrenders, and releases everyone.
One night, they come to a house that they want to stay at overnight. The owner recognizes Monkey, and asks him for help. There’s a monster that comes twice a year and eats all of the hens and geese, and any people that happen to be around. Because Buddha has decided to throw seemingly endless obstacles in their path to test them, a great roaring arises, headed for the village. “Fuck! It heard us talking shit about it, and now it’s coming!”
Monkey runs out and fights the spear-wielding snake monster. They fight all night, but as the first light of dawn appears the in sky, the monster see dawn coming and flees. Monkey chases after it, and sees it coiled up and about to eat Piggy. Monkey knocks his friend out of the way and is eaten up instead. If you like, you can picture him leaping in slow motion shouting “nooooooooooooo!” It heads back for his cave, but Monkey again whoops ass from inside a monster, and it dies quickly.
The village is relieved to be rid of the monster, and the village elder sheepishly says “Thanks for the help. Unfortunately, from here you have to take Runny Shit Lane (seriously). The road is lined for dozens of miles with persimmons trees, and they fall into the road and rot there. Enough fall in to fill the road with rotten fruit. It’s really gross.”
Monkey says “Is that all? That’s probably the easiest challenge yet! We’ll just have piggy change into a giant boar and clear the way with his snout.”
Past the nasty road, they eventually find a moated city. Sanzang asks “Do any of you know where we are?” Monkey laughs. “What, you can’t even read, Sanzang? Why the hell did Buddha send an idiot like you on this quest.” “Of course, I can read, asshole.” “Then you must know what the name of the city is. It’s written on the great big yellow flag there.” Sanzang squints at the flag way off in the distance. Piggy says “Fuck off, Monkey. You know you have magic eyes. The rest of us can barely see the flag, let alone read it, and you know it.”
They finally reach the town, and Monkey hears that the king has been confined to his bed with a chronic illness. Monkey finds a servant and informs him that he, Monkey, can cure the king. Since the king’s servants aren’t nearly paranoid enough, they allow a complete stranger access to the king to give him medicine that could totally be poison. They even offer him half the country if he cures the king (which I also doubt he would be okay with).
The king, however, refuses to see anyone, so Monkey gets creative. He takes three hairs and turns them into three 24 foot long golden threads, and has the servants tie them to the king so he can take his pulse through the window.
From this, Monkey (who never went to medical school) diagnoses the king with worry. The king hears him, sits up, and says “That sounds legit. Fetch me medicine!” Monkey makes three pills for the king, and for some reason, the king accepts what was offered by the monkey demon. Fortunately, it works, and the king is cured.
At the celebration banquet (which is not half the kingdom, but whatever), the king tells Monkey that he has been depressed ever since an evil spirit stole his queen three years ago. Monkey offers to fight the demon, who shows up from time to time to demand a ransom. Because fuck logic, the demon picks that day to show up again to ask for a ransom.
The demon turns out to be a warrior under King Evil Star Marcher from Mount Unicorn. They fight, and Monkey quickly sunders the demons spear with his staff, and the demon runs off home. Monkey gives chase to figure out where the queen is kept and comes to the mountain, but the demon is gone.
He sees a messenger demon on the road to the mountain, so he turns into a Taoist boy and questions the demon. Because this is a religious allegory, so all taoists are of course evil, the demon answers freely. Once Monkey knows what he needs, he bashes the demon’s skull in and takes his form. Brutal, yet effective.
He is able to enter the cave as the messenger, and finds the queen easily. She tells Monkey that the demon has three magic bells. One creates three thousand feet of flames, one creates three thousand feet of smoke, and one creates a three thousand foot sandstorm. She says “The fire and the smoke aren’t really dangerous, but if the sand gets in your nose, you’re a fucking goner.”
Monkey feeds the queen lines to trick the demon into letting her have the bells (he’s not a very smart demon), and she gives them to Monkey. He tries to sneak up on the demon, but he accidentally shakes the bells and sets them off. In uncharacteristic fashion, he panics, drops the bells, and runs.
Monkey, having pretty much literally dropped the ball on his rescue attempt of the queen, comes up with another sneaky plan. He goes with the old standby of turning himself into a fly and sneaks into the Queen’s room. He turns himself into on of the Queen’s slave girls and manages to steal the bells again. This time, he pulls an Indiana Jones, and leaves fake bells behind so he won’t trigger the boulder slash angry demon.
Done with being sneaky, Monkey challenges the demon to a straight up brawl. They fight for a long time, and the demon realizes that this isn’t working. He blocks Monkey’s staff with his axe and says “Hold up, Monkey. You kind of caught me with my pants down this morning. I didn’t get a chance to eat a hearty breakfast, and you know it’s the most important meal of the day! What say we pause this while I eat, and then you can have a real fight, huh?”
Monkey leans on his staff. “That sounds pretty good, actually. I wouldn’t want anyone to say I only kicked your ass because you hadn’t eaten. Have a nice big meal, and then hurry back here to die.” Monkey’s not an idiot like Piggy, and he knows full well that the demon is going for the bells, but since he’s switched them with the fake, he’s cool with this. All according to plan.
The demon comes back with bells in his fist and says “Drop your fucking weapon, or I swear to god I’ll ring these bells.” Monkey replies “Cool, story bro, but I got bells too.” He puts his staff behind his ear and draws the real bells out of a pouch. The demon king’s mind races. “Shit, those look exactly the same. He didn’t have time to make copies so what the fuck? This must be a trick.” Monkey grins and says “You first.”
The demon rings his bells, and precisely shit happens. “My turn.” Monkey rings his bells, and summons a great firestorm, then a windstorm, and finally a sandstorm. The demon flees from him body in terror, but there’s nowhere to go. He’s gonna die. A deus ex machina appears in the form of Kuan-Yin. She puts out the fire, and demands that the demon turn back into his true form, which turns out to be her golden hound that she used to ride. She puts the bells around his neck as a collar and rides away.
I’m really starting to wonder if pretty much every evil thing in existence is just something a god misplaced, because that seems to be the case here nearly 100% of the time.
The party returns the queen and leaves without ever getting their promised reward of half the kingdom. After many days, they reach a house in the woods. Monkey says they should avoid it, so naturally, Sanzang, who has learned nothing for someone who is supposed to be a wise monk, decides to go visit and ask for food.
He approaches the house, and sees four beautiful women busy embroidering phoenix designs on robes, but no men. He freezes in the forest, since he can’t possible risk one of those girls wanting to touch his dick, and there are no men around to make sure they behave. He spends an hour thinking sexist thoughts like that, before finally deciding “If I go back without getting any food, Monkey’s going to make fun of me. I’ll ignore my instincts and completely give in to peer pressure.”
He walks forward, and sees three more girls in a nearby pavilion kicking a ball around. He gathers up his courage, and goes to the foot of the bridge, just inside the gate but still yards away from anyone, and calls out. “Ah, hi, ladies, um…I’m a monk on a quest from Buddha. Do you think you could give me some food for the trip?” The girls immediately stop what they were doing and rush out with plates of food, giggling the whole way. Sanzang declines the offering, though, because it isn’t vegetarian. Honestly, it’s his fault. He really should have specified.
They insist that he eat the meal, and he declines again. Sanzang tries to edge towards the gate, but the girls surround him, throw him to the ground, tie him up, and hang him from the rafters of their cave. Man, it’s like all beautiful women are evil and destructive if they aren’t actually goddesses.
When Sanzang doesn’t return, Monkey assume he got himself into trouble again. Goddamn it. He summons the local deity, who tells him they are at Gossamer Ridge. In a cave under the ridge live seven evil spirits. “Male or female spirits” asks Monkey, trying to figure out if Sanzang is in danger of getting eat or getting a blowjob (which the female demons seem to keep offering). “She devils” the god replies.
Monkey is going to try to think of a plan to save Sanzang from a demonic orgy, but I’m going to leave it there for now, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is the Pixiu. It’s a jumbled up mishmash of things, with the head of a dragon, the body of a horse, often the wings of an eagle, and either clawed feet or cloven hooves, depending on the depiction. Like the chinese dragon, it tends to have horns: most stories tell of a single genderless Pixiu with one horn, but others say that the Pixiu has one if the creature is a male Tian Liu and two if the creature is a female Pi Ya. In the latter version, the male and female are always depicted together as a pair.
The Pixiu has a story totally in keeping with the dignity of the myth of the Monkey King we’ve seen so far. He was the Dragon King’s 9th son. He lived in the heavenly palace of the Jade Emperor with his father, and he loved to eat. Most of the gods thought watching the chubby dragon dog eating until it was stuffed was adorable (if it helps, imagine a small chubby yorkie, and you’ll get the idea, so he was a favorite of the court.
One day, he was invited to his first festival for the Jade Emperor. He was extremely excited about the event, and couldn’t believe all of the food that was available. Since everyone always thought it was adorable, the Pixiu gorged himself. The party lasted well into the night, and Pixiu started to feel rumbly in his tumbly. He was torn between not being rude and staying until the emperor left and trying to find a bathroom. Torn with indecision, he found himself face to face with the emperor. He was so surprised that he took a massive shit right in the middle of the floor.
As we’ve already seen, the emperor does not suffer fools gladly and tends to way over punish for slight offenses, so maybe you can guess his punishment, but I doubt it. The angry emperor removed the poor thing’s asshole so that it couldn’t shit ever again, and changed its appetite so that it only ate gold and jewels. The Pixiu was then banished to earth.
He quickly realized that to survive here, he was going to have to be fierce, and he soon learned how to attack demons and evil spirits and drain them of their life force and convert it into wealth that he could eat. The ancient chinese revered the Pixiu for his ferocity in battle (the Pixiu was synonymous with the army in ancient China) and for its ability to draw wealth to it’s owner. Since it can’t shit, it can only acquire wealth but not get rid of it.
To this day, statues of the Pixiu are used, especially in feng shui, to draw wealth and to ward off bad luck. These statues are always depicted with their mouths open and their fangs bared, and it is said that touching the mouth of one of these statues will ruin it’s abilities.
So the lesson of the story is that if your dog takes a great big shit on your floor during a party, remove it’s asshole and it will become a beloved defender of millions of people.

That’s it for this episode of Myth Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher or on TuneIn, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes, since it helps increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.

Next time, we’ll finally be leaving the unrealistically large mythical China. You’ll hear what happens when a monkey falls in your wine, why you should collect boy hearts for a limp dick, and that mythical places sometimes have bitching names. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s a giant, acid spitting, desert worm that may really exist. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.