Episode 151B – The Wonder Twins – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 151B Show Notes

Source: Mayan Mythology

This week on MYTH, we’ll find out what happened to Lady Blood and meet the legendary Hero Twins. You’ll learn that owls may be death omens but they’re also chill dudes, that it’s surprisingly hard to kill a baby, and that monkeys are great dancers. Then, in Gods and Monsters, beauty and jealousy will get a lot of people in trouble. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 151B, “The Wonder Twins”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This is the second part of the Mayan story of the Hero Twins. When we last left the story, twin brothers Hun Hunahpu and Vucub Hunahpu (1-Hunter and 7-Hunter) had annoyed the lords of Xibalba, the gods of death, with their constant ball playing. Thus, the two mortal men were invited down to the underworld for a match of Pok ta Pok, a traditional Mayan game. This turned out to be a trap and the twins were executed for their failure to recognize and defeat the tricks laid out by Hun Kame and Vucub Kame (1-Death and 7-Death). Despite being dead, they weren’t quite done with the world. The severed head of Hun Hunahpu was hung from a tree where it met Lady Blood, daughter of the Xibalban lord Gathered Blood. The withered skull spit into her hand, which was apparently enough for her to conceive children. Having been told to climb up to the mortal world above, Lady Blood instead went home to think about everything that had happened.
Six months passed, but it turned out that the strange events under the calabash tree had been very real, as was the pregnancy. Lady Blood was now far enough along that she was visibly showing so that even her oblivious father Lord Gathered Blood took notice. Being a good death god, he did not discuss his discovery with his daughter. Instead, he took this information to a gathering of the Lords of the Dead, Hun Kame and Vucub Kame among them. “My daughter is with child, my fellow lords – a bastard with an unknown father.” The other lords murmured accusatorily at that. “This is most unfortunate, Gathered Blood. You must question your daughter, interrogate her, dig the truth from between her teeth if you must. When she refuses to tell you, she will be sent far away from here and sacrificed for her transgressions.”
Gathered Blood didn’t even bother to protest this decision. “It shall be so, ye lords.” And so he set off to question and, likely, to condemn his daughter. “Lady Blood, it is no longer a secret that you are pregnant. It is obvious, so don’t bother to deny it. Who is the father of your child, daughter? Who is responsible for that child in your womb?” Lady Blood only shook her head. “I can’t possibly be with child, father. I have never known the face of any man.” This is a very clever double meaning here. On the one hand, this is a rough translation of a very polite and very oblique expression for having sex. Traditional Quiche communities were very reserved about sexual matters, rarely discussing it openly or directly and seldom engaging in PDA. It is also a very literal truth since she has never actually seen the face of Hun Hunahpu – only his bare skull.
Of course, this obvious lie (even if it isn’t technically a lie) wasn’t enough to satisfy Gathered Blood. His daughter had refused to answer exactly as the lords of death had predicted and so she was condemned to death. “So it is true – you are a liar and a whore.” The actual term used by Gathered Blood translates to knee scratcher, a rude term for a prostitute with the word jox meaning both ‘to have sex’ and also ‘to hoe or scratch, like when planting’. Thus, it is some clever word play about her getting on her knees in the dirt to get fucked like a common street hooker.
Gathered Blood looked up to where the four owls, the war councilors of the lords of death, were waiting. Premarital and extramarital sex were considered serious breaches of tradition, although punishment for such transgressions were traditionally left to the gods. It was believed that tolerating such illicit sexual goings-on was to invite sickness, accidents, and even death into the house by opening up the household to the various Xibalban lords of different illnesses and afflictions. These powerful spirits could feed on the lives of those who broke the rules. Since the gods are much more directly involved in this case, Gathered Blood took a much more direct hand in her punishment. “Take her away and sacrifice her. Bring me back her heart in a bowl so that I may show the other lords that she is dead.”
The four owls took wing and lifted up Lady Blood in their talons. They carried her away along with the proffered sacrificial bowl and the sacrificial White Dagger (that round blade used as a lethal ball for Xibalban Pok ta Pok games last episode). For her part, the young woman was not nearly as terrified as I would have been in her place. “You will not sacrifice me, you mangy messengers. I have broken no rules. There is life in my womb, but it was created ex nihilo, not through fornication. I merely admired the bare skull of Hun Hunahpu as it hung in the calabash tree at Crushing Ballcourt. Thus, you have no authority to kill me.”
That left the owl messengers unsure about what to do. On the one wing, they weren’t allowed to sacrifice someone who didn’t deserve it and Lady Blood’s story made it clear that she didn’t. On the other wing, they had been given very clear instructions by a lord of death. “Okay but like what are we supposed to bring back in this bowl? Your father was very explicit about bringing your heart back in it so that the Lords of Xibalba could examine it. We can’t disobey a direct order, but we also don’t want you to die. It’s a very thorny problem. Any ideas?”
Lady Blood thought about it. “Actually, I do have a thought. My heart will not be theirs. Likewise, your homes will no longer be here in the underworld and you will no longer lure people to their deaths by force or treachery. Only those who have truly broken our customs will be victims to Hun Kame and Vucub Kame. From now on, the death lords will receive the crimson sap of the croton tree in place of blood (a real tree that drips a bright red sap that looks like blood). Fill the bowl with croton sap and burn that before their eyes instead of my heart. Thus shall it be and thus shall it be for evermore.”
This doesn’t sound like something the lords of Xibalba are going to be happy about but it also sounds like there is some prophetic, binding power in her words. The owls were convinced at least, and they filled the bowl up with scarlet sap. As it dried, it hardened into a round ball that looked an awful lot like a human heart. Like sacrifices of the blood of animals in Mayan and other cultures, this sap became a magical blood substitute for offerings to the gods. “And as for you, o messengers, you will be esteemed and powerful up on the surface of the earth for it belongs to you now. I have gifted it to you.” The owls bowed, wings outspread. “We thank you, Lady Blood. And in return, we shall fly up to the surface to hide you, but first we need to take this fake heart to burn in sacrifice to the lords of the underworld.”
True to their word (apparently, the messenger gig isn’t even for the birds), the owls returned to Hun Kame and Vucub Kame with the bowl of croton resin. They and the other lords were assembled in anxious anticipation of the coming sacrifice. “Is that it? Were you successful at getting Lady Blood’s heart?” “It went off without a hitch, my lords. See here? Surely that must be her heart, right?” “Excellent. Hand it over.” Taking the bowl, he plucked the bloody “heart” out with his fingers, letting the blood drip down his hands and into the bowl. “Revive the fire into a blaze so that we may burn this offering properly.” They roasted this ball of dried sap over the fire, savoring its fine fragrance and utterly unable to identify that it was not, in fact, blood.
While the lords of Xibalba were thus distracted, Lady Blood fled to the mortal world above with the guidance of the owls and went to the house of the dead Hun Hunahpu. As I mentioned before, he already had two sons named Hun Batz and Hun Chouen, both meaning 1-Howler Monkey in different languages. You may also recall that their mother had died some time ago, so their grandmother Xmucane had stepped up to help raise the boys. With nowhere else to go, Lady Blood sought sanctuary beneath the roof of the man whose skull had gotten her pregnant with the children who were very nearly ready to be born. “My gracious lady, I am your daughter-in-law.”
Well that was certainly news. Xmucane wasn’t aware of either of her sons having a living bride, so who was this very pregnant woman on her doorstep? However, by tradition, a new bride had the right to move in with her mother-in-law temporarily to learn the customs of her new husband’s family. Thus Lady Blood is making a claim to guestright, while also implying that she had nowhere else to go since marriage traditionally severed any linkage to the bride’s family. “My daughter-in-law, huh? And where exactly did you come from? I haven’t heard so much as a rumor of my boys in a long time – not since we received word that they died in Xibalba. Only Hun Hunahpu’s sons, Hun Batz and Hun Chouen are left as their legacy. I don’t know who you think you are, but I suggest you go back the way you came.”
Lady Blood was not so easily discouraged. “I know it sounds unbelievable, but it’s true. The babies I carry are Hun Hunahpu’s. He and his brother yet live – they are not dead because their legacy still lives on in the children about to be born. You will see their faces looking up at you when that day comes, I swear it.” So it sounds like she’s lying here (the ballplaying twins are most certainly dead), but this is part of that legacy continuing after death through the children concept that we talked about last episode. Both she and the grandmother would have understood clearly what was meant by this exchange.
Xmucane, who goes by the honorific Grandmother throughout the story, was not moved in the slightest by this. Hun Batz and Hun Chouen already were her son’s legacy. The light of their father was clear when they sang and played the flute, when they wrote or carved. The twins were a comfort to their grandmother and so she had no place in her heart or her home for this upstart young hussy. “I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here. I do not want you or that rubbish in your womb. You are not my daughter-in-law, you’re a whore and a liar. My children are dead and I have no interest in those bastards you carry.” Lady Blood refused to give way. “Grandmother, I promise you that these are his children. I will not leave until you acknowledge this fact.”
Xmucane sighed. “Alright, fine – prove it. Your first task is to go and get food for everyone to eat. Go out to the fields and harvest a great netful of maize. Do that, and you will surely be my daughter-in-law, just as you have claimed.” Lady Blood smiled graciously. “It shall be done, Grandmother.” This isn’t just a case of the elder woman being a cruel bitch and demanding the very pregnant lady go do heavy labor. It was customary in K’iche’ culture for a new bride to be given heavy tasks by her in-laws to prove her ability to provide for her new family. In this particular case, Lady Blood is given a net for the maize, which is a symbol of the divine order of the universe (Mayan goddesses were often depicted weaving on a giant loom).
Of course, just because Xmucane is playing by the rules doesn’t mean she’s playing fair. She still does not like or trust Lady Blood and this is about to get very traditional impossible folklore task. You see, as Lady Blood headed out to the field with her net, following the path that had been cleared by Hun Batz and Hun Chouen, she saw that there was only a single ear of maize left. Apart from that one lonely cob, the field was empty. Cornstalks grew as far as the eye could see, but none of them were growing anything. Her heart sank, realizing that she had been set up for failure. “Well what the hell do I do now? How am I supposed to fill this net with food to prove myself a worthy daughter-in-law?”
She thought about it for a little while and then she had an idea. Lady Blood was no mere mortal, subject to the usual whims of the world. She was a lady of Xibalba and she had a much more intimate working relationship with the deities of the land. “Arise, great ones. Arise Lady of the Day Toh, Lady of the Day Q’anil, Lady of the Day Cacao, and Lady of the Day Tzi, you who are the guardians of the food for Hun Batz and Hun Chouen.” These four are likely the personifications of three of the days of the traditional highland Mayan calendar (Toj, Q’anil, and T’z’i’) and of the literal cacao bean. Each had a specific sphere of influence (Toj being payment of a debt or punishment, Q’anil being fruitfulness of the earth, and T’z’i’ being sin and sexual impurity). Cacao on the other hand is the bean that chocolate is made from, exactly as you thought. It was such a highly prized crop that it was often used as a form of currency, and so in combination with the other invoked spirits, it is likely meant as a symbolic payment of the debt owed.
Having made this invocation, Lady Blood went to the single ear of maize. Rather than plucking it though, she tugged on the cornsilk sprouting from the top in a wild spray. As she plucked individual strands of cornsilk (and if you’ve ever shucked and cleaned fresh corn, you know just how much silk one ear has), each turned into its own ear of maize. In no time at all, her net was overflowing with ripe, golden maize. It was now quite heavy, which was not a good idea for a pregnant woman to carry so she enlisted the help of the animals to bear her burden for her. As they neared the house however, they returned the heavy sack and its ko’k, a wooden frame used for carrying heavy loads, so that Lady Blood could carry it the final few steps herself. That way, Grandmother wouldn’t know that she’d bent the rules a little.
Of course, Grandmother knew good and well that the field she’d sent her so-called daughter-in-law to didn’t have anywhere near that much maize left in it. “Where the fuck did you get all that? Did you steal it? You know that I’ll go check our field and see if you’ve harvested it from there if you’re trying to trick me, and I’ll know if you’ve taken all our food as well.” And so she did. That single ear of maize was still standing there exactly like it was supposed to be, but there were fresh marks in the soil that made it incredibly obvious that the net had indeed been loaded up and dragged back from this field. It was impossible, but it was also undeniable. Xmucane returned home perplexed but resigned. “Very well, you have proven yourself my true daughter-in-law. There is clearly something special about my grandchildren that you carry, so I will be watching you very carefully.”
And so Lady Blood came to live in the house of Hun Hunahpu with her mother-in-law. Soon enough, the time came for her to give birth. Grandmother wasn’t around when the twins (because of course they were twins) were born, for it was a sudden and very quick labor. The boys were named Hunahpu and Xbalanque or Hunter (or more specifically, blowgunner) and either Jaguar Sun, Hidden Sun, or Jaguar Deer (the translations vary). They were born out in the mountains but, when they were brought into the house, they became incredibly fussy and refused to sleep.
Grandmother was very quickly Over This Shit. “I cannot stand listening to these little assholes whine and wail. Take them out into the wilderness and abandon them. Maybe that will finally shut them up.” In addition to being a cruel, heartless thing to ask, this is also a major breach of cultural norms for Mayan society. Children were seen as a gift to be treated with indulgence and patience, no matter the circumstances of the family. Infants and toddlers were never left alone under any circumstances whatsoever.
It is a major transgression to even ask this and a truly terrible crime for their older half-brothers Hun Batz and Hun Chouen to go through with it – but go through with it they did. The older twins took the infants out to a field and abandoned them atop an anthill to die. Only instead of dying, or even being mildly inconvenienced, the twins fell into a deep, blissful sleep unbothered by the ants. Frustrated, the brothers tried casting the infants into a thornbush. It didn’t kill them either, so they were reluctantly brought back alive but it was clear from the very first that they were not welcome in the house. Thus did Hunahpu and Xbalanque spend most of their time outside, being raised by the mountain itself.
Hun Batz and Hun Chouen were raised by their grandmother to believe that they were the inheritors of their father’s genius and destined to greatness. They were indeed very talented, becoming skilled flautists, singers, writers and carvers and being regarded as wise sages. The elder twins knew that they were supposed to be great their entire lives, long before the new infant twins arrived. Despite their prodigious skills however, true greatness eluded them. They were jealous of their new siblings, filled with a bone-deep envy that kept them from doing anything for themselves. Their cruelty and neglect towards the infants turned back against them, falling on their own backs and preventing them from achieving what they believed was their destiny.
Hunahpu and Xbalanque ignored their elder siblings the way you would a doll or a statue – something that looks human but isn’t and isn’t worth wasting any attention on. They set out into the mountains every day with their blowguns to hunt. Being hated by their grandmother and siblings, they were mistreated and abused at home and they were never given any food to eat. Whenever Lady Blood tried to prepare something for them, Hun Batz and Hun Chouen would find it and eat it first before the younger twins returned from their ramblings. They quickly learned that they had to be self-reliant to survive. Despite the torment, Hunahpu and Xbalanque did not become bitter or angry. They could see how small and petty their family was and how strong their own spirits were. They were the true heirs of Hun Hunahpu and so they endured it all.
Any meat the twins brought back from their hunts was immediately seized by Hun Batz and Hun Chouen to eat. The elder boys didn’t bother hunting for themselves, spending literally all of their time on their artistic pursuits. This worked out fine for them right up until the day that Hunahpu and Xbalanque showed up at home one night without any freshly killed birds. Their grandmother vented her totally unjustified fury on them. “What the hell? Haven’t you two been hunting all day? Why don’t you have any birds tied to your belt?” The twins shrugged. “We shot some birds, but they’re stuck at the top of the tree they were in. We’re much too small to be able to climb up and retrieve them so we were hoping our older brothers could do it.”
Hun Batz and Hun Chouen were very lazy, but they also very much enjoyed showing up their younger brothers and climbing this tree would demonstrate how much stronger they were. “Alright, fine. We’ll go with you to the tree tomorrow at dawn.” They woke before first light and all four headed out towards Can Te, or Yellow Tree, which the Maya used to make vivid yellow dyes.
This tree was already full of birds signing their little birdy hearts out to greet the rising sun. Not ones to miss an opportunity, Hunahpu and Xbalanque brought out their blowguns and proceeded to tag a lot more birds to bring home. The older twins marveled at the sheer number of small feathered creatures perched in this tree and even more so that none of the ones shot by the younger twins fell to the earth beneath the tree. Can Te was a very tall tree and so it wasn’t hard to imagine the birds getting stuck in branches as they fell, but still very unlikely. Hun Batz and Hun Chouen sauntered over to the tree and began to climb.
And they climbed. And they climbed. And they climbed. It had been a tall tree, sure, but this was ridiculous. The two boys looked up and saw that they had nearly reached the top. It had taken far, far longer than it should have and they were exhausted. Something very weird was going on, so the two young men decided to abandon the meat and climb back down. Only when they glanced towards the ground to begin their descent, they realized what had been happening – as they had been climbing, the tree had been growing. The ground was now hundreds of feet away. They were far too high to be able to safely climb back down as tired as they were.
“Okay so, like, this tree turned out to be a hell of a lot taller than it looked. I mean, we’re both pretty brave and strong but even we have to admit that it’s pretty damned terrifying seeing the ground so very, very far below. Take pity on us brothers! Help us!” Hunahpu and Xbalanque walked up to the base of the tree and looked up. “Try loosening your loincloths and retying the long ends below your bellies. Pull out the tail end behind you to help you balance and you should be able to climb down no problem.” That doesn’t sound like a very good plan to me, but Hun Batz and Hun Chouen were desperate enough not to care. They clung to any hope of escape like a twig on the edge of a cliff. “Okay, we’ll try it!”
The two older brothers did as they had been instructed. As soon as they were tied off, the loincloths became furry and melded with their bodies, which grew small and hunched. In no time at all, the two humans were replaced with a pair of howler monkeys (which is why they are both named after the monkeys in the first place). Screaming and chattering at this shocking turn of events, the twin howler monkeys swung through the branches and into the mountains.
I want to back up just a bit to something I skipped over in the story for dramatic effect. Let’s be absolutely clear that this is no unexpected accident – this was a cleverly planned out booby trap by Hunahpu and Xbalanque. Knowing that things were never going to get better for themselves with two cruel older brothers around to torment them, they made a plan to defeat them permanently but non-lethally. The story is very clear that this decision is endorsed and justified, with the younger twins saying that they are being treated as slaves and would be dead if the older twins’d had their way. An example had to be made and so they had used the power of Can Te and their own knowledge of magic to turn Hun Batz and Hun Chouen into actual monkeys instead of just being named after them.
Leaving the screaming monkeys behind in their trees, Hunahpu and Xbalanque returned home alone to face their mother and grandmother. “Something has happened to our brothers, Grandmother! Their faces have changed and they have lost all sense of self-control. They scream and babble like the animals they now appear to be!” Xmucane was furious at this news and more than suspected that the twins’ wide-eyed innocence was an act. “If you’ve done something to your brothers, you will live to regret it. You’d better hope that’s not what happened.”
The twins laughed. “Don’t worry, Grandmother – this is just a test. You’ll see their faces again, but don’t laugh. Remember, this is a test.” Pulling out their own flutes, the boys played a song called Hunahpu Howler Monkey. They added in drums and then began to sing, weaving enchantment into the melody so that its notes called to the two transformed brothers by name. In short order, Hun Batz and Hun Chouen emerged from the jungle, their monkey bodies leaping and dancing to the merry melody. Xmucane saw their ugly, distorted faces mixed with their silly movements and couldn’t help herself – she burst out laughing at their antics. To be fair, dancing monkeys probably would be pretty funny.
At the sound of her laughter, the spell was broken and the two monkeys made a mad dash for the safety of the trees. “We warned you not to laugh, Grandmother. We can only try this three more times before the magic won’t work anymore. We’ll call them back again with the song, but you really must try not to laugh this time.” The twins repeated their performance and lo and behold, the two dancing monkeys returned soon thereafter. They danced their way out of the forest and into the house patio with a great deal of animation and enthusiasm but their little monkey faces looked very serious as they concentrated on their sick moves. Their fat little bellies jiggled as they moved and their little monkey dicks flapped in the breeze (the Maya phrase is much more circumspect, saying only that they were naked below their chests, but the intention is definitely the same). Again, Xmucane couldn’t stop herself from laughing, sending the monkeys once more fleeing for the trees.
Again the twins reminded their Grandmother that she couldn’t laugh if she wanted her grandsons back and then they played a third time. Again, the two dancing monkeys twirled their way out of the jungle and into the house. This time though, Xmucane was able to contain her laughter and so the monkeys came inside and began to scamper up the walls and across the ceiling. Their little monkey faces were red with exertion and making incredibly silly expressions. They puckered their lips to blow raspberries through thick tufts of bushy hair, then snorted and sneezed. This was all too much, and Xmucane burst out laughing yet again. In a flash, the monkeys retreated back into the forest.
“We’ll try it one more time Grandmother, but this is the last attempt.” They played their flutes a fourth time but alas, the music wasn’t strong enough and the monkeys didn’t come. The twins kept it up for a long time, but they eventually gave up. It was clear that the monkey twins weren’t coming back. “Sorry, Grandmother – we tried our best but they won’t come back again after being laughed at three times. Look on the bright side though – you have us as your grandsons still. Love us and love our mother and all will be better.” The twins are not just trying to replace their elder brothers in the household, they are more symbolically trying to replace the jealousy and abuse that had plagued their home with trust and honor. The twins cannot act in true harmony with the gods and the divine will until the proper balance has been restored in their home.
To help with this transition and as a show of the honor they wanted to make the centerpiece of their new home life, the twins made a promise. “Our older brothers will not be forgotten. Their names and their titles will be called upon throughout the ages and remembered forever.” And since that time, singers and flautists and artists of all kinds have indeed called upon Hun Batz and Hun Chouen as patrons of the arts to grant them skill and mastery in their crafts. Their pride had turned them into animals and ruined them, but their skills remained and now flourish among their new home in the jungle and, symbolically, in all works of art.
And that’s where we’re going to leave the Maya Hero Twins for the moment. There’s still more grand adventure to come for Hunahpu and Xbalanque but they’ve already managed to turn their abusive brothers into monkeys with a clever trap and avoid any condemnation or punishment in the doing. The household has become peaceful for once, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s jealous duo are Xkeban and Utz-colel.
There are several versions of this story, but we’ll be using the one collected by the Yucatan Times. Legend says that, long ago, two women named Xkeban and Utz-colel lived in a Mayan village. Both were incredibly beautiful but they could not have been more different in personality. Xkeban was very much in her THOT era (and as we discussed in the main tale, sexual promiscuity was seen as extremely taboo) while Utz-colel remained untouched and virginal as societal norms demanded. Thus, the former was widely condemned by her village as a slut while the latter was praised as a virtuous woman.
Of course, being a sexual person does not actually make you a bad person, and that’s not just my modern-day opinion leaking into the story here. The tale is very clear that Xkeban had a good heart and was always doing kind deeds for those around her: taking care of the sick, feeding the poor, and tending to hurt animals. None of this mattered to her neighbors. They saw her as a dirty whore and nothing would change their minds about this, not even the truth. They treated this poor woman terribly, insulting and shunning her whenever she went out. There was talk about exiling Xkeban from the village in order to purify it, but the decision was made to let her stay for a cruel reason – they wanted to keep her around as a convenient punching bag. Give them a common enemy and all that.
On the other hand, the so-called good woman Utz-colel was a cold-hearted bitch. She considered everyone her inferior and despised anyone who had the audacity to ask her for help. She was cruel and selfish but, because she kept it in her pants, the village loved her. All that mattered to them was her celibacy, which is pretty fucked up but depressingly relatable to modern society.
One day, Xkeban disappeared from the village. No one could be bothered to care what had happened to her. They gossiped that she was out spreading her legs for loose men, but it was more a reflexive cruelty than anything. No one knew where she had gone. Days passed, a week, and still no sign of her. The villagers began to notice a strangely sweet smell wafting on the breeze around Xkeban’s home. It smelled like a delicate perfume but enough to fill the streets with its aroma.
This was disconcerting enough that the villagers finally decided to investigate the woman’s disappearance. They broke down her door and, to their surprise, they found her corpse lying on the floor. It lay in a bed of strange flowers (which were clearly the source of the smell) and was guarded by a ring of fiercely protective wild animals. The people might not have been able to see what a good soul Xkeban had been, but the local wildlife knew better. The town whispered about this strange sight, some of them beginning to wonder if maybe they had misjudged their now-dead neighbor.
Utz-colel heard these whispers and was furious. She hated that her rival was somehow becoming the talk of the town just because she was dead, so she decided to drag the corpse’s reputation through even more mud. She claimed that the sweet smell and protective animals were a trick of cruel spirits from Xibalba to deceive them into accepting the dead slut. Given their respective reputations in town, most of the quote “good and decent” people accepted her lies. The poor and the sick whom Xkeban had helped (and who had often been the only one willing to help) did not though. They worked together to bury her with dignity. During the simple funeral they held, they were surprised to discover more of those strange flowers sprouting up from her freshly dug grave.
This all just made Utz-colel even more jealous of her dead rival, who was now not even around to torment anymore. She hated that everyone was talking about how delightfully sweet the flowers that grew on her grave were and how delicately beautiful they were to behold. She began to grumble to anyone who would listen that, when she died, Utz-colel’s body would create an even more beautiful flower that smelled a thousand times better than the one on Xkeban’s grave. If a filthy slut like her could do it, then a pure virtuous woman could do it better. Time passed and, eventually, Utz-colel did indeed die, still as celibate and pure and cruel as she ever had been. The townspeople came to see her body fully expecting her prophecy to come true.
To their shock, a flower did indeed grow from Utz-colel’s grave but it was an ugly thing perched atop a wickedly sharp cactus. And the smell. Woof. It was truly horrible. No one had ever smelled anything so foul, and certainly they had never encountered a flower that smelled so awful. They tried to bury the stench of her grave with fresh flowers, but they all wilted and rotted almost instantly. By the next day, only the reeking flowers remained around her corpse.
The flowers that grew from Xkeban’s grave are known as X’tabentun. They are delicate, sweet-smelling things that, having no thorns, grow in hedges for protection, seeking shelter much as poor Xkeban had needed shelter and protection from the cruelty of the village. The cactus flowers of Utz-colel are called Tzacam, and it does indeed smell truly foul. It would seem like this was the end of the story, but no. See, Utz-colel was so cruel and jealous that even in death, she couldn’t just let shit go. Her spirit hung around, wickedly jealous that Xkeban had somehow gotten a better flower than her. The only difference she could see between them was that she had been a virgin her whole life while the little slut had known love and sex and sensual delights. Yeah, that’s definitely the only difference. Surely it’s not the rampant cruelty and inflated ego.
Anyway, Utz-colel was determined to get a second chance to outdo her rival. She called together some of those very same wicked spirits from Xibalba that she had claimed Xkeban had been in league with and she talked them into helping her become a woman again to fulfill this belated desire for love and lust. Given how cruel Utz-colel herself was and that she’s asking cruel spirits for help in this, it should come as no surprise that things didn’t go exactly as planned. Her cold, wicked heart was filled with only jealousy and rage, so there was no place for love inside it.
She did return to earth as a beautiful woman in a long white dress with large black eyes. She is said to wander the earth at night looking for loose men to seduce. She invites them to come with her behind the ceiba tree (a sacred tree in Mayan culture) for some hot sex and, given her unearthly beauty, most are more than happy to oblige. Once they fuck the wandering spirit, they are transformed into poisonous snakes and devoured by her. No longer is she known as Utz-colel, but as Xtabay. The first part of her name comes from Ixtab, the goddess of suicide by hanging. She acted as a psychopomp, guiding the souls of the dead to the underworld (though it’s important to note that suicide was considered an honorable death and Ixtab was seen as a benevolent goddess).
In other versions, Xtabay can look like any gender she wants to seduce her chosen target. Sometimes, she lures victims deep into the forest to disorient them first. Other times, she kills them by throwing them over the edge of a cliff and then ripping out their hearts as their broken bodies lay dying. So if you’re out late at night on the Yucatan Peninsula and a beautiful stranger offers to fuck you beneath a ceiba tree, think twice.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Instagram as MythsYourTeacherHatedPod, on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated, on Bluesky as MythsPodcast, and on Mastodon as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re continuing the epic tale of the Mayan Hero Twins. You’ll see that magic tools make everything better, that mosquitoes have always been annoying, and that you shouldn’t trust someone who admits they want to eat you. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s the origin story of a very strange and very real pair of trees, one a poison and the other its antidote. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.