Episode 140 – Mr. Rat – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 140 Show Notes

Source: Japanese Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’re heading to Japan to meet a much more civilized kind of rat. You’ll see that power is in the eye of the beholder, that you can totally marry concepts, and that rats are lucky. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a beautiful sea creature will go on a fetch quest for the Dragon King. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 140, “Mr. Rat”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
Last time, we visited a little village where the local rats had made quite a nuisance of themselves, prompting the hiring and subsequent stiffing of the Pied Piper. This week, we’re heading to Japan for a story of a very important rat and his family. This story comes from Japanese Fairy Tales, collected by Grace James in 1912.
Once upon a time, there lived an esteemed rat named Mr. Nedzumi (whose name literally means Mr. Rat), who was a very important person in the village where he and his family lived. Well, he and his wife certainly thought they were esteemed anyway. See, Mr. Nedzumi was descended from a long and ancient line of important rats who had long been closely associated with the Shichi-fuku-jin, or the seven gods of good fortune. And when I say ancient, I mean it – this rat family stretched back to the very dawn of time itself. It’s only to be expected since, as you may know, the Rat is one of the twelve animals of the Juunishi or Japanese Zodiac (which is derived from and very similar to the Chinese Zodiac, though it is based on the lunar cycle and replaces the Pig with the Boar).
In fact, not only was it one of the twelve but it was the animal selected to preside over the very first year. Not the Horse, not the Tiger, not even the mighty Dragon, but the Rat. Mr. Nedzumi was very proud of that fact, despite having had absolutely nothing to do with it. He was similarly proud of his ancestor’s close relationship with Daikoku, the god of wealth and abundance and most revered of the seven. I mean, it’s not like he and Daikoku were on speaking terms, but you wouldn’t know that to listen to this self-important rat.
On the other hand, his ancestral ties to the Shichi-fuku-jin may have still been paying dividends since he had certainly been born into wealth and privilege. His home had been established many generations ago in a warm, cozy hillside just across from one of the most fertile rice fields around. Each and every spring, Mr. Nedzumi and his family were able to fill their bellies with all the green rice shoots they could eat; in fall, they filled their vast storerooms with more than enough ripened grain to last through the winter. It was a good life.
It helped that his life didn’t actually cost all that much to maintain. Most of what he owned had been inherited, his groceries were pilfered from the humans for free, and it wasn’t like entertaining his fellow critters was terribly expensive. Also, despite being a rat (an animal known for fairly large litters), Mr. Nedzumi lived in his comfy home with only his wife and his single daughter. His family was small, but he felt that quality more than made up for quantity as his daughter was widely acknowledged as being of unsurpassed beauty and grace throughout the province. She took after her mother that way – in their younger days, Mr. Nedzumi had been the envy of all for winning the paw of his gorgeous wife who was from a family with a very rare piebald coat. Such rodents rarely deigned to marry into families with ordinary single-color coats, but they had made an exception for the charming and lucky Mr. Nedzumi. His daughter had inherited a coat of purest white, which is why they had named her Yuki, which means snow. Yes, this is basically the rat version of the name Snow White.
Given his impressive ancestors and his daughter’s singular beauty, it should come as no surprise that Mr. Nedzumi wanted only the best for his one and only child. He decided that he would accept no marriage for her unless it was to the very highest caliber of suitor to be found. Now, the hamlet where this rat family was a big fish in a small pond happened to lay nearby to a renowned temple. In honor and appreciation for his family’s long association with the seven lucky gods, it was Mr. Nedzumi’s habit to make regular pilgrimages to the great shrine. Over the course of these visits, he had become friendly with the old priest who cared for the temple.This isolated old man was happy to gift the rat some of the offerings to the temple (which was always more than the priesthood really needed) in exchange for all of the local gossip from the small hamlet. This priest isn’t just a shameless busybody (though he was also that) – he had been born in that small village, and hearing the stories of the families he had grown up with made him feel close to both his home and his boyhood.
This arrangement suited both of them, and Mr. Nedzumi would always unburden his mind on his trips to the temple. The elderly priest listened to his tiny friend talk about his life; it didn’t take long for him to pick up on Mr. Nedzumi’s inflated sense of self-importance and his vanity. At the end of each visit, the priest tried to teach the visiting rat about the virtues of humility, but as many self-centered individuals do, the egotistic rat couldn’t believe that he was anything but the very model of virtue. All of these attempts fell on deaf mousy ears.
Yuki was reaching the age where marriage was in the cards, and so her father had become kind of obsessed with finding her the perfect husband. No one in the hamlet was up to his extremely high standards of wealth and importance, because of course they weren’t. They all by definition lived in a small village and were therefore unworthy of his daughter’s paw (despite her living in that selfsame village). Since no one else could help him with this tricky problem, Mr. Nedzumi decided to make a summer pilgrimage to the temple. People came there from all over the land, so surely the temple’s custodians would know of someone who would make an acceptable mouse spouse.
Reaching the temple, the rat struck the gong to announce himself and summon the old priest for their usual friendly chat. For his part, the old man had long since grown wise to the fact that his tiny buddy almost never made this trip unless he needed advice, a favor, or both. “Greetings, my old friend. To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” Mr. Nedzumi told the priest all about his futile search for a husband for Yuki, including his absolute conviction that only the best would do for her. He listened diligently through it all. “Hmm, that is indeed a most difficult situation. I will need to think on this one a bit, my friend. Give me three days to ponder and to consult the oracle for advice from the gods.”
Mr. Nedzumi was a little miffed by having to wait, but he trusted his old friend to give him good advice. If he said he needed three days, then he needed three days so there was nothing for it but to wait. His impatience made the next three days stretch out forever, but at last the old priest returned with an answer.
“Apart from the gods themselves, there is no one so powerful or who has such a profound impact on all of our lives as His Majesty the Sun. If I had a daughter as lovely as yours and ambitions as lofty as yours, I could think of no more suitable match than he. Perhaps you should take your proposal to him in the evening when he comes down to earth for sunset. That’s when he looks his best, after all, decked out in his most glorious colors. And, from what I hear, he’s a lot more approachable after his work is done for the day and he’s getting ready to rest. If you want my advice, waste no time but go and see him this very evening. Bring your wife and your daughter down to the great Cryptomeria Avenue as the brilliant rays of the magnificent sunset flood the world.”
Mr. Nedzumi was thrilled at this advice. “I knew that you were the right person to ask! The Sun, of course! Why didn’t I think of that? A thousand thanks for your sage advice, old friend, but I must make haste now if I’m to have everything ready by sunset. Goodbye! And thanks again!” The priest smiled at his friend’s excitement. “And goodbye to you, my tiny friend. Good luck in your endeavor. Hopefully, the next time I see you, you’ll be the father-in-law of the Great and Glorious Sun.”
Mr. Nedzumi raced home and told his family what he had learned. It seemed a fine idea, so everyone put on their finest garments and hurried to Cryptomeria Avenue as fast as their tiny legs could carry them. Rats can scurry pretty damned fast when they want to and so they made it in time to be waiting there, all decked out in their finery, as the Majestic Sun descended towards the earth and illuminated the gloom under the thick pine tree forest with his golden rays. Mr. Nedzumi found himself in awe of this powerful being and, for perhaps the first time in his life, he was somewhat bashful. Still, he had come here for a reason and his daughter deserved the very best.
Steeling his nerve, the tiny rat strode forward and addressed the mighty sun, hailing him for his glorious warmth. After a few flowery compliments, Mr. Nedzumi came right out with it and laid out his marriage proposal to the lovely Yuki, who stepped forward shyly. Always a busy being, the Sun appreciated the rat’s directness and likewise wasted no time in getting to the point. “I am deeply honored by your kind intention to marry your lovely and honorable daughter to me, but I have to ask: why have you selected me in particular to be your son-in-law?” Mr. Nedzumi bowed his head respectfully. “I have spent a lot of time thinking about my daughter’s future husband and have decided that she should be married to the most powerful being in the world. And that’s you.”
The sun nodded wisely. “Ah, I see. I am certainly honored by your saying that I am the most powerful being in the world, but I’m afraid that’s not actually the case. There is another against whom I have plotted and struggled time and again, but he is always the victor in our conflicts. If you wish to marry Yuki to the most powerful being, then it is he, not I, who you should be speaking to.” Mr. Nedzumi frowned. “With all due respect, who could possibly be more powerful than you, Great Sun?” “It is that bastard Cloud. Countless times have I set out to illuminate the world and let it bask in my shining beams only for Cloud to stroll across my path and hide me from everyone below. I am entirely helpless to stop him from doing this for as long as he likes; it is only when he gets bored and wanders away again that I am free to shine once more. Therefore, it is Cloud who you should seek to marry the beautiful Yuki if you truly wish the most powerful husband for her.”
That…hadn’t been what they’d expected. Mama and Papa Rat quickly and quietly consulted amongst themselves before agreeing that the Sun’s advice was clearly correct. Thanking the tired celestial body for his time and his wise counsel, they set out to follow his directions. Sun had told them the best time to talk to Cloud was an hour before he arose in the morning, which (being a fucking cloud) he made on the steepest slopes of the tallest mountain around many leagues from their little village. This was a much longer journey, and Mr. Nedzumi began to worry that if they hurried, his beloved Yuki would not look her best when she met Cloud. That simply would not do, so they moved as slowly as they could afford towards the mountain.
Thus, instead of early dawn as they had planned, the rat family found itself reaching the airy bed of Cloud in late afternoon. Fortunately for them (see, Mr. Nedzumi really is touched by the luck gods), Cloud didn’t really keep a regular schedule like Sun, so he was still snoozing in his bed when the rats arrived. The unusual sound of critters approaching his bed awoke Cloud from his light nap and he turned to see his guests. Yawning and stretching, he welcomed them into his home in a genial and polite way that immediately put the gathered rats at ease. Feeling more confident, Mr. Nedzumi stepped forward to explain the situation and offer his daughter Yuki’s hand in marriage.
This is not our first time encountering a chain quest like this (which you might be surprised to learn was not, in fact, invented by uninspired videogame missions), so Cloud’s response shouldn’t be much of a surprise. “Like, whoa dudes that is supes cool that you think I’m like, all powerful and shit and that you want me to marry your most bodacious daughter. And like, cha I can razz old man Sun whenever he gets too full of himself but I’m not actually the most righteous dude on the planet. No, that most excellent personage is His Majesty the Wind cause, like, whenever he decides to blow and shit, I just have to float away wherever his gnarly breath takes me. It is most excellent of you to come here, my little bros, but you should go find Wind.”
Mr. Nedzumi was torn between irritation and satisfaction. On the one hand, they were successfully climbing the social ladder with each visit like a badly behaved customer demanding each manager’s manager; on the other hand, this was taking a lot longer than he had anticipated. He’d really wanted to be wedding planning by now. Still, he was nothing if not polite (especially to beings as powerful as these nature spirits). “I am surprised to hear that you are not the most powerful, but I must take your word for it. Thank you for your time and your most worthy advice. May I ask: do you know when His Majesty the Wind will next be around? Or where would be the best spot to approach him?”
“Sorry, little dude. The Wind goes where the wind wills. Cha. You’ll totally know when he’s headed this way though – my little cloud buds get knocked around whenever that gnarly dude comes around. It’s his way of, like, ‘announcing his most esteemed presence’ or whatever. They’re all pretty chill right now, so he’s not here.” One of the smaller clouds whispered an airy aside to the Cloud lord. “Righteous! Thanks, little dude! My most excellent subject here has informed me that His Gnarly Bastardship the Wind is blowing around over the Eastern Sea right now. If you, like, book it for the beach, you should be able to catch him and catch some righteous rays! Most excellent! Maybe that asshole’ll be less of a bummer there too. By the time he gets up here into my radical mountains, he’s always like pissed off because of all the rocks and shit that block his way. He’s much happier blowing around over the ocean. Seems like that dude would be more zen if he just stayed out there but whatever. Not my problem, dudes. Catch ya later!”
The beaches of the Eastern Sea were plainly visible from the mountainside where the rat family had assembled making it seem very close and easy to reach, but it most definitely wasn’t. Since they couldn’t just float gently down to earth like Cloud, they had to make the slow, torturous climb back down the mountain. Yuki in particular was straight up not having a good time. None of this had been her idea, and she was getting pretty fucking tired of traipsing all over creation to meet some new powerful spirit and be offered up for marriage only to be rebuffed again and again. This journey was bruising her feet and her ego.
She began to complain to her father about how ill-planned this journey was. He had told her all kinds of stories about taking trips down to the coast in his wild youth by hitching a ride on a railway car full of rice for free (always the best price). Well, where the hell were all those damned railroad cars? Now, there were a lot of very logical reasons why there weren’t any trains running directly from an uninhabited mountain peak directly down to the beach, but Yuki didn’t want to hear it. Nor did she want to hear that, even if there had been such a railroad, it would have been unbecoming for such an august procession to approach His Majesty the Wind like common hobos riding the rails. And it certainly didn’t improve Yuki’s mood when they had to stop for the night in a very second-rate room in a dingy little fishing village. She had never had fish in her life and she found that she did not care for the taste (although in her current totally justified sour mood, nothing would likely have tasted any better).
They stayed in that shitty little motel for several days with no sign of His Majesty the Wind and tempers were beginning to fray. At last however, whitecap waves announced the coming of the being that Cloud had assured them was actually the most powerful being. The little rat family stood on the sand with more than a little trepidation as they watched Wind’s approach. After how much this figure had seemed to rile up the otherwise chill Cloud, they had begun to fear his temper a great deal. Only, as he actually approached over the open water of the Eastern Sea, he seemed the very personification of gentleness – to the point where Mr. Nedzumi began to wonder if Cloud had led them astray. Could Wind really be all that powerful? But his wife reminded him that you had to listen to not only what was being said but to who was saying it. Cloud clearly had a grudge with Wind and had painted him in the worst possible light. A lack of fury here at Wind’s favorite place didn’t mean a lack of strength. You should never judge someone’s character based solely on hearsay (which is very solid advice just in general).
For a third time, Mr. Nedzumi approached a new nature spirit and spun his whole tale about seeking the most powerful being in the world to marry his beloved and beautiful daughter Yuki. As Cloud had predicted, Wind was in a great mood (he loved the beach), and his idle breezes carved lovely patterns and smiling faces in the rolling waves as he listened. He sighed gustily when the rat finished his story. “That Cloud is something of a flatterer, as well as being a lazy layabout. There are times when I can blow him around on my strong winds, sure, but he knows good and well that I am powerless to move him when he’s in one of his tempestuous moods. I can do nothing to move him when he’s riled himself up into a proper thunderhead. Me, the most powerful being? Bah, simply preposterous.
“Where are you all from, anyway? Oh, yes I know that little village well. I’m a little surprised you came all this way looking for the most powerful being when there is someone far more powerful than me in that very village. One of your neighbors has put up a great, stout wood wall around his property and I am utterly powerless to blow it over or even to shake it with my strongest gusts. If you want your daughter to marry the most powerful, then wed her to that wall. I think he would be a very stalwart, stable, and steadfast spouse indeed. I must be on my way now, so farewell. I wish I could offer you a ride in my chariot, but I fear I will be going nowhere near that most terrible of foes today or I could introduce you myself.” And with that, Wind was off.
This whole thing was becoming something of a fucking ordeal by now, and everyone was getting frustrated with the constant redirection (which probably didn’t make Yuki feel any better about being dragged around for her dad’s ego). Days of exhaustion and the dust of travel were taking their toll on her lustrous coat and usually joyful demeanor (as it was on everyone) but there was nothing for it but to trudge back home. This whole thing had been an utter waste of time. He was dully surprised to hear that a simple wooden wall was considered such a high and mighty figure in the world. Mr Nedzumi was very familiar with the particular wall that Cloud had mentioned, but he wasn’t impressed at all by it. I mean, sure it was tall and strong, but it was a terrible conversationalist. It would make a terrible husband.
That famous rat luck seemed to have finally run out, and it showed on the trip back. Cloud had decided to stretch his gaseous muscles a little and cover up Sun after his conversation with the rat family (which had made him a little self-conscious about not being stronger than Wind). And of course Wind felt much the same and blustered and blew at Cloud, drawing a blast of chilly, ill-tempered rain in response. Wind had simply blown even harder, forcing Cloud to rain harder and on and on until the weather was simply horrendous. All three rats were thoroughly soaked, utterly exhausted, and completely bedraggled by that point. As it so happened, they came upon that self-same wall just as the storm ratcheted up another notch and so they dashed towards it to take shelter in its shadow.
The lee of a wall wasn’t perfect shelter from the storm, but it was certainly a whole hell of a lot better than nothing, so the family was grateful for the wall’s protection. Mr. Nedzumi may not have been impressed with Wall as a schmoozer, but the towering timber structure had always had a very inquisitive nature and loved to ask questions of those who stopped beside it. It was said that this was because one side of Wall could never see what was happening on the other, leaving it perpetually a little confused. I have to guess that Wall might have also been a little bored at being stuck in one place and mostly ignored for his entire existence.
Whatever the reason, Wall was thrilled to have guests on his leeward side and began asking about their journey and what brought them out in such a terrible downpour. Hearing that the rat family had just come from the beach, the windward side joined in the conversation. “Eh, what’s that? The beach? Was that rapscallion Wind there? Ooh, I simply loathe that awful scoundrel. He’s always flitting this way and that with no sense of purpose or stability, and always chafing at my weathered wood, wot! If that hooligan would stay put for a moment, why I’d show him what’s what!”
Mr. Nedzumi perked up at Wall’s question. “Oh yes, we did indeed meet Wind. He seemed to think you two were on quite friendly terms actually, and asked that we say hi to you for him. In fact, he told us that you were the strongest entity in the world.” Wood can’t blush, but Wall certainly tried. “Me? The strongest? Jolly kind of the old chap, but he’s terribly mistaken. Typical of that roustabout to speak on a topic he knows nothing about. Head full of empty air, I’m afraid. Why, just yesterday your nephew, that strong, handsome brown rat wanted to get beyond me but was in too much of a blasted hurry to just go around, so he chewed a hole right through me! Strongest indeed! Don’t listen to anything Wind has to say. Ask him again tomorrow after he’s blown through this hole and he’ll tell you he’s the strongest, which is utter poppycock. Harrumph.”
As Wall blustered, the weather began to blow over at last. The clouds blew away and the wind died down, allowing the sun to shine forth and dry everything out. A bedraggled rat family finally returned home without a husband for Yuki but very glad that they hadn’t been hoodwinked into giving her hand away to a liar and a cheat like Wind. The whole family put the matter behind them and recuperated from their ordeal for a month or so. During that time, Yuki kept thinking about what Wall had said. She didn’t put much stock in her father’s dream of marrying the strongest being in the world, but she did rather like that cousin of hers. Which, ew but I guess it’s not unexpected for a family that is both essentially noble and also, you know, rats. She told her father that she had decided to marry her handsome brown rat. Mr. Nedzumi was thrilled to hear it. After all, hadn’t he proved himself to be the strongest creature in the world just last month?
There is another version of this story that can be found in Andrew Lang’s Brown Fairy Book from 1904. In this alternate universe, Mr. Rat is actually quite sensible and wants his daughter to marry one of her own kind – it’s his hoighty toighty wife who looks down on the other rats (despite being one herself) and insists that her daughter marry up. The rest of the story plays out more or less the same (though without the friendly priest). The major difference is that the mother is absolutely ready to marry her daughter to the wall until the young rat bursts into tears and refuses to marry someone as old as her grandfather and ragged to boot. She’d been willing to marry Sun, or Cloud, or even Wind as a dutiful daughter, but this was simply too much. She was in love with a handsome young rat (who was not her cousin in this case) and not some horrid wall. His feelings hurt, Wall declines to marry the young rat.
Personally, I think I like the first version better. It doesn’t carry the same sexist undertones and gives Mr. Nedzumi some reason, however flimsy, for his pretensions of grandeur. It’s nice that Yuki gets to stand up for herself in the other version, though it’s not Wall’s fault her parents are being such asshats. At least she gets a happy ending in both universes. Hooray! And so, with Yuki happily married to the strongest critter in the world, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s handsome wastrel is the jellyfish.
This story also comes from Japanese Fairy Tales. Once upon a time, there was a very handsome jellyfish. He had a beautiful form, as round and full as the moon itself. More than that, he also had glittering scales and feathery fins like the other fish have today. That was unusual enough, but this particular jellyfish also had little feet on the ends of his tentacles, allowing him to leave the water and explore up on dry land as well as swim majestically through the sea. He was happy and carefree and everyone loved him, especially Ryujin, the Dragon King of the Seas.
Despite all that this particular jellyfish had going for him, his grandmother was worried. The younger jellyfish was too concerned with partying and fun and refused to spend any effort on his schooling and books (yes, they apparently had undersea books for undersea schools). She was convinced that his hedonistic, carefree lifestyle would catch up to him one day, but the young jellyfish refused to listen. He would be young and beautiful forever!
It was shortly after the Dragon King had wed that his new bride suddenly fell very ill. She took to her sickbed and did not rise. Ryujin cared for her and brought in all the best doctors, but nothing seemed to make her better. It probably didn’t help that their doctoring mostly involved bleeding her and dosing her with poorly researched concoctions. Around the undersea kingdom of Dragonland, the people whispered that their new queen was not long for this world. Such a pity.
The Dragon King was understandably wrecked by this terrible development. He sat by his ailing wife’s side and stroked her scales. “Love of my eternity, I would give my life for you if you could but live.” She laughed weakly. “What good would it do me for you to die in my place? But I do know something that would help. If you could fetch me the liver of a monkey, I will eat it and I will get better.” I have no idea why this very specific item is the thing the Dragon Queen thinks will heal her or, if it is, why none of the doctors knew about this. Does she have some secret medical license we don’t know about?
Anywho, Ryujin was taken aback by this strange request. “A monkey liver? Light of mine eyes, where exactly am I supposed to get a monkey liver? We live under the sea, remember? And if I’m not very much mistaken, monkeys live in trees. On land. Which is very much not in the ocean.” Tears of pain fell from the Queen’s eyes. “Surely a monkey’s liver is better than dying on my behalf like you offered? Please, my love – without it, I shall surely die.” What was he supposed to do with that except try his best to fulfill his wife’s wish?
Thus it was that Ryujin called the handsome jellyfish to an audience, who was one of the only sea creatures who could go on land. “By now, I’m sure you’ve heard all about my wife’s illness. The doctors have been unable to do anything for her, but there is one thing left to try. She needs to eat a monkey’s liver in order to heal. I am sending you to go forth and capture me a live monkey so that the liver will be fresh for the Queen. I have heard tell that these creatures live in the tall trees of the surface world, so go forth and capture one as my friend and subject!” The jellyfish considered this odd request. “A monkey, you say. And how am I supposed to get this land critter to come back under the ocean with me?”
The Dragon King considered. “Lie to him. Tell him how beautiful Dragonland is and promise to show him wonders. Tell him how happy and carefree he will be and that he will spend all day laughing and playing with the mermaids.” The jellyfish shrugged, which is an impressive feat with all those tentacles. “Okey dokey.” And he set out. It didn’t take long at all for the jellyfish to arrive at the shore near where he knew tall trees grew. It was a short walk on his tentacle legs to where the forest began. As he approached, he was thrilled to see a fucking monkey perched right there in one of the trees munching on a persimmon. What luck!
“Hello there, friend monkey! Have you ever considered visiting Dragonland? It’s stunning this time of year.” The monkey peered down at the jellyfish with not nearly enough suspicion. Even though monkeys are usually clever tricksters, sometimes they are the butt of the tricks and this is definitely one of the latter cases. “Dragonland huh? I must admit I’ve never thought about visiting. How would I even get there? I can’t really swim.” “Oh that’s easy – I’ll carry you on my back. I’m a very strong swimmer.”
The monkey didn’t even bat an eye at that, didn’t wonder even a little why this stranger was offering him a ride out of the blue. “I guess that would work, but why should I visit Dragonland? I’m very happy up here in my tree eating my fruit.” “I guess you haven’t heard the song or you wouldn’t be asking that; we’ve got no troubles, life is the bubbles under the sea. It’s a paradise down there – the most beautiful and carefree place in the world.You will be able to spend your days on a permanent vacation, free to do whatever you wish. Plus, as a rare visitor from the surface world, you’ll be showered with honors and riches and get to play with all the most beautiful mermaids.”
That sounded pretty fucking nice, so the monkey agreed to go. He climbed down from the tree and clambered onto the jellyfish’s back and together, they went into the sea. As they were diving down beneath the waves (no word on how the monkey was able to breathe – let’s just say Dragon magic), the jellyfish began to laugh. “What’s so funny, new friend?” “Oh, I’m just laughing for sheer joy – the Dragon King gave me the difficult task of saving the Queen. We’re headed to the palace now so she can eat your liver to recover from her sickness.” The monkey was understandably taken aback. “My liver, you say. Huh.” He thought quickly (see, now it’s time for that famous monkey cleverness).
“Well shit, I wish you’d told me before we left. I’m afraid I didn’t bother bringing it with me, friend. It’s really very heavy you see, so I usually take it out and hang it on a branch of the tree when I don’t need it. Tell you what – if you take me back, I’ll just nip up into the tree and fetch it for you.” The jellyfish (who also wasn’t as suspicious as he should have been given that he just told his passenger he’s going to a simian sacrifice) was swayed by this and headed back for the forest. If he’d paid more attention in school, he would have known that creatures can’t just remove their own organs for convenience (even though I doubt ocean school covered monkey anatomy). But he shunned his studies and so he was hoodwinked.
The monkey leapt out of the waves and scampered up the tree in a flash, making a show of looking for his liver. “Well isn’t that just the damndest thing. My liver is missing! Some asshole must have stolen it while we were swimming. I’ll have to go and track down the thief, which is going to take some time. No sense in waiting on me – you should head on back to Dragonland before it gets dark. Your king wouldn’t want you to be at risk, and these waters are in a bad neighborhood. Come back and find me another day, and I’ll be sure to have my liver for you.”
The jellyfish thought this a very agreeable offer and parted from the monkey as friends. Well, he thought they were friends, anyway. The monkey vanished into the forest as soon as the jellyfish was gone and never came anywhere near the ocean ever again. Jellyfish returned to the palace alone, which was immediately clocked by Ryujin. “I can’t help but notice that there’s no monkey with you. Where is he?” “Oh, he didn’t have his liver on him, so he said I should come back and get it another day.” He told his king the whole story. I have to wonder if he began to realize how he had been tricked by the end, or if he was blithely ignorant of it the whole time.
The Dragon King was not so easily fooled, but he was well and truly pissed off. “You utter buffoon! You have failed me! Guards! Take this asshole into custody and break every bone in his body! Beat him into a quivering jelly!” And so they did, and so the jellyfish has remained since. They must have also beaten the scales, fins, and feet off him since none of his descendants have those either. The frustrated Ryujin returned to his wife and told her the whole ridiculous story, which caused her to laugh long and loud. “Oh my, what an absurd tale! Well if I can’t get a monkey’s liver, then I guess I’ll just have to do without. Hand me my best brocaded gown so I can dress. I’m beginning to feel much better.”
And that’s how it ends. I guess the moral of the story is stay in school, but also don’t trust people who make up random treatments for illnesses? There’s no word on how she suddenly just kind of got better – maybe one of the doctors actually did something that worked but it just took time. Maybe her body fought off the disease itself and all she needed was rest. Maybe laughter really is the best medicine. Who knows? But if a random jellyfish shows up and offers you a free vacation, just say no.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re going to learn about why tigers in Brazil have stripes, even though there definitely aren’t any tigers in Brazil, striped or otherwise. You’ll learn that you should always ask what the danger is, that you should never trust vague orders from a nebulous ‘them’, and that you should always ask for payment up front. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll discover that rabbits are expert traders though not as diligent as they should be. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.