Episode 138 – Battle of the Volcanoes – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 138 Show Notes

Source: Maori Mythology

This week on MYTH, we’re traveling to New Zealand for a Maori tale of fiery passion. You’ll learn that volcanoes can fall in love, that you should be careful where you sleep, and that the very mountain can literally move. Then, in Gods and Monsters, Maui is going to attempt his most audacious trick yet. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 138, “Battle of the Volcanoes”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
I know that this is technically Episode 138 (you know, cause I just said that) but counting up all of the multi-part sagas, this is officially MYTH’s 200th episode. Holy crap, people. It took us almost 8 years to get here and I am so grateful to you all for sticking with me on this weird, wild journey. Seriously, you all are the best and you make all of this worth doing. Okay, enough gushing, on to the show.
We’re heading back to the wind-swept mountains of New Zealand for an ancient tale of love, loss, and longing. This story comes from the New Zealand Herald as told by Te Kakenga Kawiti-Bishari. We typically think of mountains as being symbols of steady, enduring, and literally rock-steady stability, but that’s not always the case – especially in the heavily volcanic Ring of Fire. As we’ve seen in some previous episodes, an erupting volcano is anything but still. In the long ago days before Maui raised up the sky away from the earth (from way, way back in Episode 10), the northern part of what is now New Zealand was ruled over by four great mountain lords.
The chief and greatest among them was Tongariro, a volcano that lies to the southwest of Lake Taupo (which you might recognize from Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy). Tongariro is actually a compound volcano made of multiple combined peaks, including the towering Ngaurahoe and the awe-inspiring Raupehu. His cloud-piercing grace was the greatest among the great mountains, though all were mighty.
To his west stood Taranaki, a massive volcano who was second in height and power to the great chief Tongariro himself. His great shadow stretched far across the island, reminding all and sundry that he was not to be trifled with. To the southwest stood Putuaki and Tauhara, smaller peaks than the other two but still enormous, dominating the landscape around them. All four of these members of the mountain clan were mighty warriors, descended from a long line of distinguished chiefs.
You may have noticed that all four of these towering mountains is a ‘he’, but not all mountains are male. Unfortunately for them however, there was only one female mountain anywhere near them, though she was beautiful enough to more than make up for being alone. She was Pihanga Tipare Uenuku, whose name means woman sheltered by a rainbow halo and that is exactly what she was. You see, her stunning peak was often shrouded in a misty veil that scintillated in the sunlight. For all her beauty however, Pihanga was extremely shy and coy. And that’s where the trouble began. That smile. That damned smile.
See, all four of the mighty mountains south of Pihanga loved her and each thought himself most fit to be her husband. Each courted her affection and for her part, Pihanga loved each of them equally. Her soul was pulled in four directions and she was utterly unable to make a decision. For all that she was literally made of stone, she was too tender-hearted to hurt any of the mountains she loved and so she made no decision. Which, as it often is, was the worst decision.
Volcanic warriors are not known for their patience and even tempers, so it didn’t take long for resentment and jealousy to start boiling in the hearts of the four mountains. Time passed and the days grew short as autumn passed them by. The chill winds of winter swept along the slopes and across their rocky crags. The returning summer sun thawed the ice and melted the snow from all but their highest peaks. And still Pihanga could not choose. They began to argue amongst each other about why each of them was the best choice and the others should stand down to save Pihanga the pain of deciding. But of course, none of them did and the bubbling emotions turned to boiling hot rage that seemed to make the very air shimmer with anger and fury.
And then Tongariro erupted in every sense of the word. Thick, choking clouds of black smoke filled the sky to hang as dark, foreboding clouds that covered everything in shade. The world hung balanced in the awful stillness that comes before brutal bloodshed. Land and sky hid their grieving faces behind the clouds for they knew what came next: such a challenge could not go unanswered. In the calderas deep in the bellies of the other three volcanic suitors burned answering fires. They too exploded in challenge to their chief, and the very land was rocked with the deafening reverberation of their declarations of war.
There’s no such thing as a good war, but this war of the mountains was especially terrible. Four unstoppable juggernauts ravaged the world around them with all the fury and power that an angry volcano can bring to bear. As places like the city of Pompeii can attest, they can bring utter devastation down when they’re in the wrong mood – and that was just the single volcano of Vesuvius. Fueled by their long-banked passion and growing rage, the four warriors battled for what felt like forever to those caught in the crossfire. They spewed ash and soot and molten rock; they rained acid and cinders and burning boulders on the world around them; they added their own dark clouds to the one thrown up by Tongariro until day and night were forgotten. Darkness ruled supreme and unfettered save only for the places where liquid fire coursed down the mountains and across the landscape, burning everything in its path.
They fought for an age, but at last their fury was spent. The lava cooled and the skies cleared. The sun dared to peek down upon the world for the first time in forever. That first renewed day broke upon mighty Tongariro standing tall. Unbroken. Victorious. There was no denying that he had won the day and defeated his three challengers. It’s not clear if Pihanga had wanted the four to go to war to decide the issue, but she was glad to have the decision made and gladly agreed to marry mighty Tongariro, staying close by his side to this very day.
Taranaki, beaten but still proud, was forced to acknowledge Tongariro’s dominance of the island. He would never be chief of this place, nor would he ever marry Pihanga, but that didn’t mean he had to stand here and take the humiliation. Taranaki, unwilling to remain under the leadership of his conqueror, vowed to find a new home where he could be his own chief. He turned to the west and the setting sun and it seemed to call to him. Taranaki would follow the path of the Fire that Eats the Dusk to the farthest west. He would find a new home where he would be the last to feel the warmth of the sun’s golden rays each day.
His journey carved a path behind him in the whenua (a word that means both land and placenta in honor of the life-giving womb of Papatuanuku the earth mother). Even to this very day, the gulleys of Manganui-o-te-ao and the Wanganui Rivers stand as testament to Taranaki’s defeat and retreat. He traveled across the island until he at last came to the coast. It took him a full day to make this long trek and so he decided to rest there amongst the Poukai mountains for the night. He slumbered fitfully and awoke with the dawn the next morning ready to journey on. Only when he tried to move, he found that he was frozen in place. See, his fires had mostly cooled after the warfare of volcanic eruption but the lava was still flowing gently since such things cannot be stopped in an instant. The cooling lava had turned to rock around him as he slept, becoming one with the earth and deciding for Taranaki that this would be his final resting place.
After the first volcano had begun his search for a home free from the onerous control of Tongariro, Putauaki decided to do the same. He might not be as mighty as the others, but he still had plenty of pride. If Taranaki was unwilling to be subservient, then so was Putauaki. If Taranaki would go west, then Putauaki would go east. Following the path of the Fire that Eats the Dawn, he made it as far as what is now the town of Kawerau, about 40 km shy of the coast. He was not as strong as Taranaki and so it was here that he decided to rest for the night. In the morning, Putauaki also found that cooling lava had locked him in place, making this his final resting place to this very day.
Tauhara was the weakest of the four volcanoes and he was also the most reluctant to leave. His love for Pihanga had been purely about her and not about a jealous desire to prove himself better than the other volcanic warriors. Thus, despite losing, his heart remained enflamed with burning passion for Pihanga, his soul overflowing with love for the beautiful maiden that would never be his. Still, with the other two leaving he knew that he couldn’t very well stay either. East and west were taken, so Tauhara went north across Taupo Lake. He moved slowly, not because he was tired (though he was) but because he couldn’t stop turning around for another last glimpse of Pihanga. The cool waters of the lake accelerated the hardening of the lava that still spilled from his shattered peak and so he only made it a little ways beyond Taupo Lake before he found himself frozen in place like the others.
And so these mountains stand to this day. Tongariro towers over the heart of the island, tall and proud and very much the dominant force. His beloved Pihanga still stands by his side, their affection for each other strong and true. Taranaki looms over the western coast, standing watch as the sun sets each night. Putauaki rises up beside Kawerau looking out towards the beach he couldn’t quite reach. And Tauhara slumps just across the lake looking back at Pihanga with love and regret. This arrangement has maintained the peace between them ever since, but that doesn’t mean it always will. Volcanoes can be temperamental after all, so it’s always possible they could decide to go to war once again if they decided there was cause.
It should come as no surprise that there are multiple variations on this tale, with different tribes including different mountains in the epic struggle depending on where they were and which locations were important to them. Some include Ngauruhoe (which you might recognize from her role as Mount Doom) as a second wife to Tongaririo. Others include Whakaari (aka White Island), Paepae-o-aotea (aka the Volkner Rocks), and/or Moutohora (aka Whale Island), each of whom fled away from the island and out to sea before becoming fixed in place.
Recent research in geology and volcanology have returned to myths like this, finding a treasure trove of long-stored information about the past. Known as ‘geomythology’, it looks at the strong parallels between archaeological and geological evidence of volcanic eruptions and the cultural myths of those same events. It was originally proposed in 1968, but it wasn’t until the 2000s that it began to pick up speed. Investigating the sites of these mythological struggles reveals proof that these titanic eruptions did take place at more or less where and when the stories said they did. Modern investigations can often not only prove that it happened but confirm the direction and number of such events as tidal waves, meteor strikes, and yes volcanic eruptions. It just goes to show that there is a surprising amount of truth tucked away in these fantastical stories. And so with peace achieved (at least for the moment), it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s god is our old friend Maui.
We haven’t visited this most excellent of trickster gods since back in Episode 88, where we covered his Promethean task of bringing fire to humanity. That’s just one of numerous stories of Maui risking life and limb in order to try and improve the lot of humanity. If you’ve seen Moana (and if you haven’t, go watch it now), then you probably remember the incredible litany of deeds that the animated Maui recites as he’s distracting Moana to steal her boat. There was one feat that was left out of the song and today, you’re going to find out why. As usual, there are a variety of versions of this story, but the most complete one comes from the Maori of New Zealand as recorded in Legends of Maui, A Demi-God of Polynesia by W. D Westervelt in 1910.
Having already made the lives of the people of his home island less short and shitty, Maui decided that there was only one gift left to steal – life itself. Specifically, Maui began to think about how he could possibly achieve victory over the cold embrace of death. He loved his people with all his spirit and it wounded him deeply whenever he lost one. Death was the one enemy of mankind that he hadn’t figured out how to outrun or outwit. Yet. Maui was clever and he was determined, so he set his considerable gifts to solving the problem.
He had reason to feel responsible for the plight of mankind. According to a Hawaiian story, the first humans had been created standing upright but with jointless limbs and a webbing of skin connecting the fingers and toes together, and the arms and legs to the body. As you might imagine, having no joints and a weird skin web makes it pretty fucking hard to move. This angered Maui (who wanted more for this creation, which he saw so much potential in). In his fury, he broke the limbs at the wrists, elbows, ankles, knees, shoulders, and hips. That done, he tore the webbing of skin, freeing the trapped limbs. This allowed humans to move freely from place to place now, but they still had no fingers or toes (which makes it kind of hard to use tools). It was up to them to evolve at this point. Hunger drove them to climb up into the mountains in search of food. The brambles and rocks sliced open their feet as they climbed, creating toes. Splintered bamboo ravaged their hands as they pawed for food, creating fingers. Thus it was Maui who made humans what they now were.
Given his long string of successes, Maui was understandably confident in his ability to conquer death. Having only the kernel of the idea, the demigod decided to seek out the counsel of his father Makeatutara, who just so happened to be the god of the underworld. This naturally gave him an insight into the workings of death but, like with Hades and Thanatos in the Greek pantheon, he was the god of the dead, not the god of death. Important distinction.
Makeatutara was…less enthusiastic about his son’s plan. It wasn’t really a plan – it wasn’t even a proper scheme, it was just a vague concept. “You really need to learn humility, Maui. One day, your tricks will catch up to you, and I worry that this might be the one. After that stunt you pulled with stealing fire from your grandmother Mahuika, your other divine ancestors and relatives aren’t exactly thrilled with you.” Maui scoffed. “You think I give a shit what those old windbags think? You can’t stop the GOAT, baby! Don’t stop never stopping!”
Makeatutara sighed in the way that only a long-suffering parent can when watching a teenager barrel towards bad life decisions. “It’s not like I can stop you from doing whatever you want, but you should really think twice about this. If you’re serious about conquering death, you’re going to come up against someone too powerful to overcome with any of your clever tricks. You need to be careful.” Maui laughed scornfully. “And who exactly is this oh-so-powerful windbag? Who’s gonna defeat the great Maui?” “Hine-nui-te-po, the great goddess of the night and the guardian of life and death. You know, the one you have to literally defeat to achieve this absurd dream of immortality for the humans.”
Back in the time when Maui had fished the islands out of the sea, Hine-nui-te-po had taken one of the smaller, more remote islands as her own. She dwelt there alone and was happy with that situation. Each evening, the sun set into the ocean and its last rays set the thatch of her roof ablaze with scintillating light. The Great Hine would step out into the dying light, and she herself would flash to life with glorious color that could be seen sparkling on the horizon’s edge.
Makeatutara had not approved of Maui’s foolhardy quest, so he was not eager to tell his son where the goddess dwelt. As they stood at the edge of the underworld’s entrance, the sun was setting and the mysterious light far out over the water caught his observant eye. He knew enough about heroic quests by now to know that strange occurrences like that should always be followed up on. “Well well well, now isn’t that interesting. Maybe we should go check that weird light out. Whatcha say, dad? Is that her?” The underworld god sighed in deep reservation.
“You already know the answer to that. Please, my son, do not do this. You are of my divine blood, but you are also mortal. When I chanted the sacred ceremony in your childhood, I, well, I kind of forgot part of the ceremony. You’ll never grow old, but you are still able to die. There’s no guarantee that you’ll be safe – no mortal can live forever. Not even you.” “I know that, dad. I wouldn’t be much of a hero if there was no risk, after all. But enough about that – tell me about Hine-nui-te-po. What’s she like?”
“You’ve seen the light in the distant sky – her flashing eyes are as dark as emeralds but they can see incredibly well over great distances. Her teeth are as hard and sharp as volcanic glass in a mouth as wide and gaping as a shark’s, and her hair floats about her head like seaweed. She is incredibly dangerous, Maui.” That sobered the demigod up a little. He knew this was dangerous, but the reality of it was setting in a little. He looked up into the night sky as he tried to formulate a plan, and his gaze was drawn to the pale luminescence of the moon.
His thoughts drifted back to the night he had snared the moon and prevented her from escaping. Now, she bathed in the waters of life, forced to return night after night so that humanity could have a light in the darkness. Back then, he’d made his first play at immortality. Of a sort. “You bathe in the waters of life, so how about this – let death be short. As you yourself die each night and return renewed the next, let men die and be revived.” The moon was in no mood to be compliant, what with being lassoed and all. “Fuck that. Let death be very, very long and let man’s last breath be a sigh of regret and sorrow. When he dies, let him descend into darkness and become like the depths of the earth itself. Let those he leaves behind weep and wail at his passing, mourning something that will never come again.”
That failure had never sat well with Maui, and now was his chance to fix it. He traveled out to the outer island where Hine-nui-te-po, guardian of life and goddess of night dwelt. As he approached, he heard her order her attendants to be on guard and watch for anyone who might approach. If anyone came to her island walking upright as men did, they were to be captured. She sensed something in the air tonight and she wanted to be ready. Maui crouched in the bushes as he considered her words, and then he had a brilliant idea. Getting down on all fours, he crept past the attendants like a beast and was unseen by the watchers.
At the center of the island, he found the place of life, the hut where the goddess dwelt. He crept inside and stole some of her food, then snuck back out again. No one saw him as he escaped and returned to his own home island where his brothers lived. He showed them his captured prize. “This is step one of my plan to achieve immortality for everyone, but I need you to come with me for step 2.” The story isn’t at all clear about what stealing the food does exactly. My best guess is that eating it gives Maui a small piece of the goddess’ power so that he can do what he does next.
His brothers were convinced to go with Maui into the darkness of the night of death, which was a very dangerous place to be. On the way, the demigod changed all of them to birds so that they could approach unseen. I have to wonder why he didn’t do that before when he was trying to avoid walking upright, but maybe he needed his hands to steal the food. I mean, my dog manages theft without hands pretty well, but she also eats it immediately. Either way, they came to the house of the goddess on her lonely island as the sun was setting on the next day.
Maui changed back into human form but warned his bird brothers to remain silent. He was about to do the hardest thing he had ever done, so they couldn’t make a sound. What’s more, they were tasked with making sure the actual birds obeyed as well. “Okay, here’s what’s about to happen. To achieve life without death, I have to climb into Hine-nui-te-po’s mouth and make my way down into her womb. It’s all symbolic and shit. You absolutely cannot laugh while I’m inside her. I’ll make my way through her body and back out her vagina in a literal and symbolic rebirth. Once I’m safely out again, then you can laugh slash tweet.”
His brothers were understandably worried about him. “Maui, that sounds unbelievably dangerous. You know that’s a goddess, right? You’ll die if you go inside her.” The trickster shook his head. “As long as you don’t make a sound, I’ll be okay. If I can make it all the way from her mouth to her vagina, I’ll live and she’ll be the one to die and then no one else will ever have to.” They all promised, so Maui stripped down and oiled up. You come into the world naked, so naked was how he had to go into the goddess of life and death. Only inside of her could he tear out the source of life and bring it back with him. In some versions, he goes in as a man, but in most he turns into a worm to slither in more easily. And also to be more symbolic of cum because this is a magical pregnancy.
The last rays of the setting sun sparkled off his well-oiled muscles, decorated with tattoos. Taking only his magical fish hook, he crawled into the goddess’ mouth, wound carefully between her obsidian teeth, and passed through the gates of death. Slowly, carefully, he made his way deep into the goddess’ womb. There, he found the source of life and carefully cut it out with his weapon. Grinning with victory, Maui continued on his way down and into her vagina. He was almost home free. It was then that a little bird named the Pata-tai laughed in a shrill, clear tone.
The Great Hina awoke and felt Maui where he definitely hadn’t been invited to be. She clenched her muscles in the most lethal contractions imaginable and, to Maui’s shock, he found that her mouth wasn’t the only place she had obsidian teeth. That’s right, Hina has vagina dentata, literally teeth in her vagina. As an aside, there’s an absolutely incredible horror comedy from 2007 about this concept called Teeth that you should definitely check out. And yes, this is a real concept that occurs in many, many cultures. As Maui desperately crawled towards his rebirth, the teeth crunched down on his body and sliced him into two bloody halves. And thus, the great trickster god died, trapped on the far sides of the gates of death.
In some versions, he instead goes in through her vagina in a spiritual sexual encounter with the goddess of death, intending to exit through her mouth. Depending on the version, he’s either chewed to pieces by her normal mouth teeth, or he’s forced to turn around and try to return the way he’d come only to die upon the vagina dentata. In another, much shorter version, he never even reaches the goddess, instead climbing into the pit of darkness where she hides only to be crushed and suffocated by the darkness itself. However it worked, Maui was definitely dead.
His mutilated body was soon expelled from the goddess in a bloody mess. His brothers gathered up the corpse and carried it away. It was buried in a cave called Te-ana-i-hana or ‘the cave dug out’, which had been prepared as a burial place. See, I was a little less than direct earlier – Makeatutara hadn’t just warned Maui that he was vulnerable, he warned that his death had been fated though no one knew the time or place (as of course no mortal does).
When she learned about his passing, Maui’s wife Hina (different from the vagina dentata goddess) made war upon the gods and spirits. She killed as many as she could (which wouldn’t have been possible if Maui had succeeded) to avenge her husband’s death. It helped. A little. Maui was dead, but his legacy lived on through his children, and many of the great heroes of old are said to be descended from him. And thus, with the passing of the great trickster god also passed any chance for immortality.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re heading to London to discover the origins of King Arthur, the once and future king. You’ll see that Revenge of the Nerds borrowed a dirty trick from Merlin, that it’s hard to say no to the king, and that you can never quite seem to get rid of the Saxons. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’re headed to the little town of Hamelin in Saxony to try and deal with their little rat problem. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.