Episode 137 – The Invulnerable Giant – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 137 Show Notes

Source: Armenian Folklore

This week on MYTH, a young prince is going to meet an immortal giant. You’ll see that magic items make everything better, that you should be careful with your promises, and that you should never trust the gardener. Then, in Gods and Monsters, sometimes the love of your dreams requires a whole lot of work. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 137, “The Invulnerable Giant”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story comes to us from The Golden Maiden, a collection of Armenian fairy and folk tales published by A. G. Seklemian in 1898. Once upon a time, there lived a king with seven sons. Did they have a mother? Who knows because the story doesn’t care. Anyway, each of the seven boys grew up as children usually do. As each prince came of age, his father sent him out on an expedition to prove his bravery and find for himself a wife.
One by one, the six eldest princes rode out on magnificent horses, had their adventures, and returned home with wives in tow. No one knows if they actually showed bravery during their sojourn or not but the way the story phrases it makes me think they probably didn’t. Regardless, the important bit is that it was now the youngest son’s turn to sally forth. His name was Bedik and his father the king made sure he was very, very well equipped for his solo adventure. For a level 1 character, he had a lot of powerful items: a horse of lightning, your standard issue magic sword, and a basic, boring bow and arrow. His father saw him off out of the palace. “Go forth, my son, and may Heaven grant you good fortune.”
He rode out in no particular direction and traveled for many, many miles. Bedik and his lightning horse rode the length and breadth of the entire world. They visited the land of darkness; they visited the land of light; they visited the land of the fairies; they visited the land of the giants. He outfought and outsmarted men, beasts, genii, and all manner of other fantastical beasts that inhabit the many different lands he traveled through.
None of this is the story, it’s just the prologue because Bedik is absolutely the kind of prince to show real bravery. He won every scrap he found himself in but not without cost. By the time we catch up to him, Bedik had lost all of his servants and all of his wealth over the course of his many wars and adventures. I don’t know how many of his servants died versus how many simply jumped ship nor do I know how much of his money was well spent or wasted or stolen. What’s important is that all Bedik has to his name now is his horse, his sword, his bow, and his bravery.
On this particular day, Bedik’s wanderings brought him to a truly splendid castle built of solid marble chased in gold and studded with flawless jewels. The palace sat on a magnificent estate filled with vibrant orchards and gardens of rare and exotic flowers. Clearly, this was a seat of great power and wealth. Which made it all the weirder that Bedik didn’t see anyone at all. Calling out, he rode slowly through the gardens and all around the building itself, but he saw not a single man, woman, or child anywhere.
The young prince’s spidey senses were tingling, so he found himself a concealing bush and settled down to wait. As the sun was sinking towards the horizon, a towering Giant strode over the horizon towards the palace. His massive form was covered with finely wrought steel armor and an enormous steel bow was slung over his shoulder along with a quiver of heavy steel arrows. The ground trembled under the Giant’s footfalls, their thunderous booming announcing his arrival. Those footsteps slowed and then stopped as they neared the castle. He sniffed, deep and loud. “Hmm, I smell the flesh of a human hiding here. What good luck! I spent all day hunting in the mountains only to find that my prey has come to me instead. Come out come out, little human, or else you’ll make a tasty morsel when I find you.”
The young prince watched in silence from his hidey hole. He had ridden through the land of the giants, as previously noted, but this capital G Giant was the strangest creature he had ever encountered in his many travels. With his shining steel armor that covered him from head to toe, neither sword nor arrow would be able to harm him (at least not any wielded by Bedik’s human-sized muscles). Direct violence was clearly not the answer, so courage would have to be his weapon instead. Steeling his nerves, Bedik stepped out from the bushes to confront the Giant, who peered down at his tiny form curiously.
“And who might you be, little one? I’m surprised you’ve come here to my castle. Neither birds soaring on their wings nor snakes slithering on their bellies can approach my private abode, so how is it that you’re here? And why have you come? Have you not heard of the famous Invulnerable Giant?” The young man nodded, carefully hiding any twinges of fear he might be feeling. “Certainly I’ve heard of you, and I’m sure you’ve heard of me too – the name of Bedik is every bit as famous as yours. I’ve traveled all over the world and matched wits and swords with deadly foes in countless lands. Having bested them all, I heard tell of your famous might and decided to see if the stories were true.”
The Giant wasn’t sure what to make of this bold declaration. He stared at the tiny prince for a long moment. His nose twitched and itched and a sudden sneeze exploded from his lungs and ripped across the grass. The nasal tempest lifted Bedik off his feet and carried him ten rods (or 165 feet) away. Amused at his challenger’s discomfort, the Giant laughed uproariously. “That’s a great fucking joke, little human. You can’t even fight my sneeze, so I very much doubt you can fight me. It’s okay, come back over and don’t worry – I’m not gonna hurt you. You’re right, Bedik, I have indeed heard of you. It seems the tales of your bravery were all true. That won’t help you against me though, because I’m invulnerable (hence my title). How about this – instead of fighting me and dying for no good reason, work for me. I’ve been needing a skilled human servant and I can’t imagine I’ll find anyone better than you for the job. Bring your sword and your bow. They won’t hurt me anyway, and you’ll need them for hunting and maybe for other things, depending on how things go.”
This intrigued the lad and so he agreed to work for the Invulnerable Giant, moving into the castle with him. This went uneventfully for a time until one day, the Giant opened up to Bedik. “I may be immortal and all that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have worries just like everyone else. There’s one anxiety that gnaws at my soul day and night. You know the King of the East? Well, his daughter is the most beautiful woman to be found anywhere under the sun. I’ve invaded the Eastern Kingdom seven times to try and kidnap her and force her to be my wife, but I’ve failed each time. You seem like a resourceful lad, Bedik. If you can bring her here, I will reward you with a truly kingly gift.”
Serving had grown somewhat tedious, so the prince was eager for adventure. “No sweat, Giant. I’ll fetch her for you.” “Will you swear that upon your very soul?” Bedik nodded. “I will.” Gathering up his belongings, the young prince set out into the East at once. It was a long journey from whatever strange land the Invulnerable Giant called home to the city where the King of the East lived.
The city was surrounded by high, thick walls that had been heavily reinforced out of fear of their neighbor, the aforesaid Giant. Since he’d begun assaulting the city every year to try and kidnap the princess, they’d only built them taller and stronger to keep him out and manned them constantly with stout, brave warriors. Before entering, Bedik changed clothes to look like a simple farmer’s son so he could be incognito. He went to the palace and quickly got hired as an apprentice to the royal gardener. It was a dirty job and it paid very little, so the older gardener was happy for the help.
He hadn’t been working there long before he spied the princess sitting in her window as she sewed and soaked up the golden rays of the sun. She was every bit as beautiful as the Giant had said – so much so that it almost seemed that the sun needn’t bother shining at all. The princess was radiant enough for the both of them. In a move that should surprise no one by now, Bedik immediately fell head over heels in love with her. His promise to the Giant had been rash but sincere and he bitterly regretted making it. He’d apparently been absolutely fine with the idea of kidnapping an innocent woman though, so I don’t really feel bad for him.
Bedik waited for his chance and it soon came while the gardener was off doing…something. It’s really not important what. The prince pulled his princely garments out from wherever he’d stashed them. Thus the humble gardener’s apprentice was replaced by the handsome prince. He rode into the gardens atop his horse of lightning looking every inch the dashing hero. From her high window, the princess saw him and she too fell instantly in love. He was the most handsome young man she had ever seen and he was clearly some kind of wandering hero.
She thought long and hard about what she wanted for all of a few hours. In the morning, the princess sent two of her handmaids to bring a message of ardent love to the foreign prince. He sent them back with word of who he was and how he had learned of her incredible beauty. He also promised to await anything she might wish for him to do for her. They passed love notes back and forth by way of the handmaids.
One day, he received a different message than usual. “Tomorrow is the feast of the Navasard (the Armenian New Year). All the maidens of the city will go out together to dance and celebrate – all except me. The Invulnerable Giant always attacks the city during the feast to try and kidnap me, so I’ll be in the garden beside the river. That’s where the walls are strongest, so that’s where I’ll wait to see you display your bravery.” Bedik had sworn his love to the princess and he wasn’t about to let her down now.
The following morning, he once more set aside his humble gardener’s clothes and dressed like the prince he truly was. He mounted up on his horse of lightning, belted on his magic sword, and shouldered his bow and quiver. He rode back and forth near the garden wall going faster and faster until it galloped as fast as if the horse had grown wings. One last pass and, with a crack of the whip that he apparently also had even though it’s never been mentioned, the horse leapt straight over the wall. They soared like an eagle above the stones and landed in the garden where the princess was waiting. She was duly impressed by this magnificent display. Eyes sparkling with excitement, she took the prince’s hand. He pulled her up behind him in one smooth motion, kicked the horse back into a gallop and, with another crack of the whip, they were both beyond the wall.
The horse and the couple on its back landed outside the city and galloped away like a flash. Her horrified maids could only watch in terror as, for all they could tell, a hurricane carried off their mistress. It took a long time for them to understand what had really happened, what the messages they’d carried back and forth between the two lovers had been setting up. Once they put the pieces together, they raced to inform the King of the East what had happened. He immediately sent out his bravest warriors on his fastest horses, but it was already too late. None of them were anything close to a match to the horse of lightning that Bedik and his beloved rode.
By the time the chase was organized, their quarry had already crossed over mountains and valleys and come to the banks of a deep river that marked the country’s border. Bedik gave another crack of his whip and the horse leapt into the rushing water and swam easily to the other side. The King’s guards dutifully followed the horse of lightning’s trail all the way to the river but turned back there. They had no authority in the lands beyond. Those were the lands of the Invulnerable Giant.
Almost as soon as the horse climbed out of the water, the Giant’s magnificent castle rose into view above the horizon. The princess had already started to worry that she’d been too impulsive, but seeing her supposed love carrying her towards the home of her greatest foe was fucking terrifying. “Um, Bedik? We’ve come a long, long way (though it was admittedly a very quick journey) and yet you haven’t said a single word to me. You haven’t shown me a single sign of love this whole time, as a matter of fact. For the sake of Heaven tell me true – did you carry me away for yourself or have you kidnapped me for someone else?”
The prince took a deep, steadying breath. “For Heaven’s sake and for yours, I will tell you the truth: I have kidnapped you for the Invulnerable Giant. I have sworn an oath to deliver you to him.” The princess understandably took this news very poorly. “Fuck me, fuck you, and most of all fuck the Giant! He had tried and failed for years and years to carry me away, but it was only because of your valor and skill that he has now stolen me away. Curse my soft heart and my frail womanhood! We are slaves to our hearts.” Her words per the original story, not mine. “It was for you and for you alone that I eloped and left my home behind. I will not belong to that Giant! I would rather throw myself into the river for the fish to devour or hurl myself over a cliff for the birds to peck. May the fires of Heaven burn your cruel heart and all the callous hearts of wicked men!” Which, fair.
These weren’t idle words either. The princess twisted behind Bedik and tensed to throw herself off the horse and into the nearest abyss to perish. Heart pounding, fear burning like a furnace in his belly, the prince turned around and held her fast. “Wait my love! I beg you not to kill yourself – every word I spoke to you was true. I made a solemn oath to the Giant true, but that was before I ever laid eyes on you. I swore upon my very soul and I know of no way out of that binding promise. On the day you wed him, I will fall upon my sword. Life without you would be a curse and death a blessing.”
The princess could hear the ardent passion in his words and could see the truth of his love in his eyes. She stopped trying to throw herself off the horse and began talking to Bedik about what to do now. Neither wanted to live without the other, and both realized that the Invulnerable Giant was the big fucking fly in the ointment. Unless they found a way to end his life, they would never be able to be together. Thus they vowed each to the other to do whatever it took to slaughter the Invulnerable Giant and wed each other. Of course, neither had any idea how to kill a thing whose name is literally Big Scary Unkillable Thing.
Thus resolved, they set out together for the Giant’s castle. In the tallest tower of said castle, said Giant was watching and waiting. Today was the day he would usually assault the Kingdom of the East but he had put his faith in the plucky foreign prince who had sworn an oath to him. He saw them coming and raced down to meet them, sprinting across the splendid gardens towards the approaching horse. Words of heartfelt gratitude poured out of his mouth as Bedik and the nameless princess stopped to greet him, followed by flowery words of passionate love for the young woman he couldn’t wait to marry. He couldn’t believe she was really here with him and he was more than a little terrified that he would hurt her genteel feelings with his rough, unpolished manners.
He fretted around the princess trying to make her comfortable in the place that would be her prison/new home. “Is the castle to your liking? Are the pillows fluffy enough? Are the walls gold enough? What can I do to make you as happy as possible here with me?” The young woman swallowed her seething hatred at the Giant and put on her most dazzling smile. “Everything’s incredible, thank you. You are the only thing I need. I have dreamed of the day when I would finally leave that dreary city and come live with my beloved Giant in his gorgeous castle. Alas, I could only convince my parents to finally let me go by promising to remain a virgin for seven more years. I have thus sworn such an oath and to break it would mean to turn the love with which my parents have cherished me into a poison that would defile my entire life and my very soul. You understand, right? We’ve already waited so long – what’s seven more years? Do you promise to abide by this condition?”
The Giant wasn’t exactly thrilled about waiting seven years for marital sex when he was horny for his super hot bride now, but he was also infatuated enough with her to be patient. “Of course, my love. I promise. With you living beside me in this castle, I would wait not just seven years, but seven times seven years if necessary!” It was an idle boast and everyone knew it, but no one called him on it. They needed him to think everything was just peachy for the moment.
The princess and the Invulnerable Giant exchanged solemn vows and mutually agreed that Bedik should continue living in the castle as their most trusted servant as well as being the best man at their wedding. And why shouldn’t he? As far as the Giant is concerned, Bedik has fulfilled his promise and done something that he himself had tried and failed to do seven different times. The foreign prince was clearly entirely trustworthy and would definitely never scheme behind the Giant’s back with his own fiance to overthrow him and run away together, right? No, of course not.
As the princess began planning the wedding, she went and lived alone in the apartments in one wing of the castle while Bedik and the Giant lived in the bachelor pad apartments on the other wing. So far so good, but the young human lovers were getting nervous about this very dicey plan. They had each spent all of their free time trying to figure out some way to slay the Invulnerable Giant but they couldn’t find any vulnerabilities to exploit – that’s kind of what invulnerable means, after all. If they simply gave it up as a bad job and eloped, the Giant would chase them down and not even the horse of lightning would be able to keep them out of his grasp for long. There had to be something clever that they could do, but what? Most of the seven years the Giant had agreed to wait were already up, and soon she’d have to actually go through with the wedding or die in a futile fight.
With no other ideas, the princess decided to lean on her womanly charms. Sitting on an enormous couch, she encouraged the Giant to lie down with his head in her lap so she could stroke his hair (I’m assuming that the steel armor is not the source of his invulnerability because that’s just way too obvious). I don’t know exactly how his head fits in her lap since he’s, you know, a fucking giant but maybe there’s magic involved. Anywho. While he was thus relaxed and drowsing, she began talking to him, asking about himself, his life, and his history until she came to the subject she actually wanted to talk about.
“It must have been so very lonely living out here in this magnificent castle all by yourself with only your armor to keep you company. Was living alone part of your invulnerability magic? You’re not in danger with us living here now, are you?” The Giant chuckled reassuringly. “No, no. My invulnerability is not so easily broken. You have nothing to fear.” “Then what is the secret of your invulnerability? How did you always emerge unscathed through the hail of arrows and the storm of swords that greeted you when you tried to rescue me all those times?” The Giant shifted uncomfortably. “Don’t worry about it, my love. Just know that I’m safe.” But the princess wouldn’t let it go. “Why won’t you tell me, the woman you claim to love? I only want to be able to help protect you and I can’t do that if you don’t trust me! If you can’t trust me, then maybe you don’t really love me. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe I should go and throw myself in the river and save us both the pain!”
The Invulnerable Giant knew that a secret was safer when no one knew it, but he also knew that he couldn’t bear to live without his beloved princess and she was right – he needed to trust her if this relationship was going to work out. “You’re right, my love. I’ll tell you. There is a white mountain lying seven days to the west where a wild white bull lives. This beast is untameable and neither man nor beast dare approach his wicked horns and thrashing hooves. Once every seven days, this bull becomes thirsty and must journey to the top of the white mountain. At the peak lies a white fountain with seven white marble reservoirs of water, which he drains completely in a single gulp. Inside the bull’s belly is a white fox; inside that is a white box made of mother-of-pearl; and inside the box are seven white sparrows. Those birds are my spirits, my seven secrets. The bull cannot be subdued. The fox cannot be caught. The box cannot be opened. The sparrows cannot be seized. If either of them is taken, the others will all escape. And so I too remain unconquerable, invulnerable, and immortal.”
This Giant is giving real Koshei the Deathless vibes from back in Episodes 18B and C. The princess gently kissed the Giant’s worried brow and thanked him for his trust, cooing and singing until he finally fell asleep. As soon as she had the opportunity, the princess immediately betrayed her fiance’s trust and told Bedik everything. To be fair, the Giant had his bride kidnapped by force and fully intended to force her to marry him whether she wanted to or not (although she’s convinced him that she does indeed want to). The princess doesn’t owe her captor shit.
Telling her true love “I have done my part and discovered the secret; now it’s your turn to use that knowledge to free us both,” she turned the quest over to him. To avoid suspicion, Bedik waited a few days to let the Giant stop worrying about his secret being out. Taking up his sword and bow, he told the Invulnerable Giant that he wanted to give the happy couple some space to finish up wedding preparations. He’d take a month-long trip to hunt and wander, but he’d come back in time for the nuptials. The Giant had no reason to be suspicious of his good friend Bedik, so he wished him luck on his travels.
As soon as the castle was out of sight, the young prince rode directly for the convent of seven wise monks who were renowned throughout the world for their vast knowledge and deep insight. If anyone could help him unknot this thorny problem, it would be them. Performing all of the required religious rites before the holy altar, Bedik approached the monks to ask them his one question: “How is the unconquerable man conquered and the unsubduable beast subdued?” There was silence as the monks considered and then they answered. “Man by woman, beast by wine.”
Thanking them for their wisdom, Bedik left the monastery. The next day, he loaded up seven horses with seven skinfulls of seven-year old wine (are you seeing a pattern yet), a bucket, and a shovel, and took it all to the white mountain. Avoiding the bull, he climbed up to the white marble fountain and with the bucket, Bedik drained the seven reservoirs of water and replaced it with the wine. With his shovel, he turned the stream that fed the reservoir aside so that it flowed around the fountain and would not dilute his wine. He also dug a deep trench to hide in when the bull got thirsty. Then he waited.
Some days later (but not more than seven), the white bull made the trek up to the top of the mountain to drink the chill spring water. Only, there was no water in the fountain, but potent wine. Terrified by the unexpected scent, the bull leapt straight up into the air as high as seven poplar trees stacked atop each other then raced down the mountain roaring and bellowing in fear and anger. His thirst was not slaked though and so, the next day, the bull was forced to return and drink the wine. I’m guessing that either the bull couldn’t reach the place where the stream flowed or else Bedik had made it inaccessible. Or maybe the bull was simply not clever enough to deviate from long years of endless routine. Whatever the reason, the bull drained all seven reservoirs of the strong wine. Having never had even a drop of alcohol (he was a fucking bull after all), the poor critter got immediately shit faced, frolicked wildly for a few minutes, and then passed the fuck out. Approaching cautiously (though he needn’t have bothered), Bedik drew his magic sword and beheaded the white bull.
Meanwhile, back at the castle, the Giant had gone out to hunt. It was the last day of the seven years he’d promised to wait for the maiden, and so he was excitedly searching for the beast that would be worthy to become their wedding feast. As he went, he became very drowsy and clumsy. If he didn’t know any better, he’d swear he was absolutely sloshed. At the very instant that Bedik severed the bull’s neck, the Giant grew suddenly and violently dizzy and he knew something was very, very wrong. “Oh shit, someone has killed the white bull! I told my secret to my princess and she must have told Bedik or some secret lover. She’s been playing me this whole time, plotting my murder – they both were! Bedik is too clever by half to fail to finish the job now. This is surely the day that I die, but I won’t go into the darkness alone. That scheming bitch of a princess will die with me! If I can’t have her, why should anyone else? Why should she get to live happily ever after?” And so the No-Longer-Invulnerable Giant abandoned his hunt and ran drunkenly towards the castle with murder in his heart.
Back at the white mountain, Bedik had finished killing the bull and had moved on to the real prize. With his razor-sharp magic blade, he slit open the corpse’s belly to reveal the white fox. Now normally, the fox would have raced off into the wilderness as soon as it was freed (much like the critters hidden by Koshei did), but that bull had drunk enough wine to literally kill a bull, so the fox hidden in its belly was also thoroughly sloshed. Bedik caught the fox easily and beheaded it as well. At the distant castle, the sprinting Giant’s nose began gushing great gouts of blood, weakening him and deadening his senses.
Bedik meanwhile was rummaging through the fox’s slit open stomach to find the mother-of-pearl box. This he soaked in the hot blood of the two dead animals. For reasons that are not adequately explained, this caused the box’s top to spring open. Oooh, magic or whatever. Out of the box stumbled the seven sparrows, which Bedik easily seized. Nearing the castle now, the Giant’s eyes exploded in agony and then literally popped out of his skull like two overripe pomegranates. Blood began pouring out of his ears and his mouth as well, so this is just becoming a truly horrifying sight. Blinded, weakened, and definitely dying, the enraged Giant nevertheless drew his sword and charged the castle. He’d spent many mortal lifetimes on these grounds and didn’t need to see to navigate them.
The princess was alerted to the imminent threat to her life by the pain-maddened roaring of her kidnapper. She looked out the window to see the blood-soaked monster rushing towards her to try and drag them both to hell. Her only path of safety was up, so she fled into the highest tower of the castle. Best case scenario, the dying giant wouldn’t be able to reach her there. Worst case scenario, she could hurl herself from the battlements if he did. She would rather die by her own hands than let the Giant wreak his terrible vengeance on her.
The thick oak door of the main castle entrance shattered with an ear-shattering crash as the Giant barreled through it. Even as he broke through however, Bedik killed the first two of the sparrows, one in each hand, and the Giant’s knees shattered beneath him. Still roaring bloody defiance, the Giant dragged himself towards the tower with his hands. Bedik took up two more sparrows and slew them, withering the Giant’s arms. The next two sparrows stopped his lungs and his heart but he was not yet dead. The last sparrow caused the Giant’s head to fall upon the castle’s stone and shatter like an egg, splashing the floor with blood and brains. Thick, oily black smoke poured out from his mouth and nose and then the Once-Invulnerable Giant lay still. He was dead.
His grisly task done, Bedik remounted his magical horse and galloped back to the castle like a bolt of living lightning. At the sound of his voice (and the sight of the Giant’s motionless form), the princess descended from the tower by the stairs rather than by the window and rushed into her beloved prince’s arms. With her tormentor dead, she was now free to wed the man she loved. First though, she understandably wanted to return to the city of the Eastern Kingdom and reassure her undoubtedly anxious parents that she was safe and the Giant’s threat was ended. But even before that, it was time for every gamer’s favorite thing – loot! They ransacked the elegantly appointed castle for anything of value the Invulnerable Giant had left behind, packed all they could carry on the lightning horse, and rode East.
The King was utterly distraught by the disappearance of his only child. This wasn’t just because his beloved daughter was missing but also because he was getting older and, without her, he had no heir. He knew that she had been carried away to the Invulnerable Giant’s home and so, the day after her abduction, he sent messengers to the seven wise monks. Yes, the very same monks that Bedik had also consulted (or would consult in six plus years in the future I think, given the timelines). He received the following much more direct answer: “the hero who carried off your daughter is a Prince from afar. At the end of seven years, this same hero will return your daughter back to you just as safe and unspoiled as she ever was.” This story cares an awful lot about the princess’ virginity, which is pretty gross.
The King was only kind of comforted by this advice and he spent the next seven years anxiously waiting and hoping. As the seventh year came and began to pass, he grew more nervous. On the very last day of the seventh year, he ordered a great feast laid: hopefully it would be a celebration for the return of the princess with her hero. Worst case, it would be a mourning feast. Sentries were posted in the seven tall towers of the city walls to watch for their arrival. As the sun was just touching the horizon, lightning flashed in the west and suddenly a horse was trotting up to the gates with Bedik and the princess on its back.
The crowd erupted into wild cheers at their appearance. An impromptu procession led them up to the palace where the King waited. Bedik escorted the princess into the audience chamber and knelt before his beloved’s father. He bowed respectfully, then explained the whole long story of her abduction and return. I’m wondering if he was entirely honest about how willing he originally was to absolutely kidnap the princess and hand her over to the Giant.
Probably not, because the King blessed their betrothal and the feast became the first day of a forty day wedding feast for the happy couple. The story ends by saying that they attained their wish and a hope that you too will be granted your wish and I think that’s lovely. May you be granted your wishes. And so with Bedik and his nameless love happily married (no word on if he ever sent word to his own father about his safety or marriage), it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s unexpected romantic partners are the children of the East and the West.
This story also comes from The Golden Maiden by A. G. Seklemian. Once upon a time – a different but equally long ago time than the main story – there was a King of the West and the King of the East. The former had a son and the latter had a daughter (apparently princesses are very common in the Eastern Kingdom). One night, the Western Prince dreamed a dream in which a personification of Destiny betrothed him to the Eastern Princess. When he awoke in the morning, he was not as surprised as he should have been to find a ring on his finger where none had been the night before. It should come as no surprise that far away in the Kingdom of the East, the princess had dreamed the same dream and awoken with a brand new ring.
Convinced that this truly was his destiny, the prince set out for the Eastern Kingdom at once. It was a long and arduous journey but, in time, he did indeed reach the capital city. He’d had time to think along the way and had decided that the father of a woman he had never met was unlikely to buy his whole ‘destiny’ story, especially since the kingdoms of East and West had long been at war. Thus, he resolved to enter the Eastern King’s service as a random stranger.
The prince worked in secret this way for seven years, during which he spent many happy hours getting to know the princess. I presume that he revealed his identity to her or maybe she already knew who he was since they’d shared that fateful dream. At the end of his seven years, he asked the king for his daughter’s hand as the only payment for his service that he needed (other than room and board I assume?). The Eastern King agreed to this match (I guess the prince was charming enough to win his father’s bitter enemy over) and even agreed that the couple should travel to the Western Kingdom for the wedding.
Giving a large dowry as was befitting his daughter’s station, they arranged to take a ship across the sea rather than the longer, more dangerous land route. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the captain of the ship they hired was a wicked, cruel man. He was absolutely smitten by the princess’ beauty and desired her for himself. Before they set sail, he sent the prince back ashore to secure additional rations saying that the winds were blowing the wrong way and would slow them down. As soon as he was gone, the captain weighed anchor and sailed away.
The prince returned laden with supplies to find the ship already on the distant horizon. There was nothing he could do about it but bewail this ill-fated turn of events. On board, the princess had been resting in the cabin and had no idea that her fiance was not aboard until it was far too late. She exploded at the captain, demanding that they return at once to pick up the prince. The captain ignored her anger and insults until she paused to gather her thoughts and then he told her that she would be his wife, not the prince’s. That went over about as well as you’d expect. “Marry you? Fuck that shit! I would rather be thrown overboard to a watery grave than marry a savage beast like you!”
The captain’s smile faded and a wicked gleam sparkled in his eye. The princess’ anger had subsided just enough for her to reconsider. Not the marriage part, she was dead set against letting herself be assaulted by this chucklefuck, but maybe it was better to be clever than dead. “I’m sorry, I was just caught off guard by this. We’re kind of all alone out here, so I guess I have no real choice but to marry you. But not here at sea – the waves make me queasy. No, I think you should take me back to your home city where we can be lawfully married.” The captain figured this was a simple enough request and it would keep her away from rescue until she learned to accept her new position as his subservient arm candy slash sex slave.
It wasn’t long before the ship reached this third nameless city. “Go ashore and get everything ready for the wedding. I’ll wait here until you return and we can be wed.” The captain was wicked and cruel, but clever he was not. Despite having pulled this same goddamned trick on her mere days ago, he didn’t have the slightest suspicion about it and headed ashore. Maybe he didn’t think her bold enough to risk betraying him or maybe he thought his crew would be loyal. He was wrong on both counts. The princess was a very convincing young woman and the crew didn’t much like their captain, so when she asked them to set sail, they did. She didn’t know where they were going, but anywhere was better than here.
I don’t know why she didn’t tell them to take her home. Maybe she did ask but they were too nervous about being arrested for the, you know, royal kidnapping. Whatever it was, they soon docked at a fourth city that was not part of the Eastern or Western Kingdoms. The king of this fourth city was a young man of about the princess’ age who just so happened to be in the middle of his own wedding festival. The twist was that he didn’t know who the lucky bride was just yet – 39 women had been picked to choose amongst but one more was needed for an even 40. Once all of them were assembled, he would select his queen in some kind of Bachelor rose ceremony. Everyone not picked would become the hand-maids of the new queen, which was a fairly decent consolation prize at that time.
Hearing that a gorgeous new young woman had arrived in the city unexpectedly, the king hurried to the harbor to see her and, as everyone seemed to be, was smitten. “Fair maiden, you are the jewel of this city even though you have just arrived. Please come and be the 40th and complete the wedding ceremony. You will surely be my new queen since that decision is literally 100% up to me and the decision ceremony is as much of a sham as any reality show.” The princess smiled her best smile. “I would be honored to join the ceremony at the palace. If I may ask one favor, send the other 39 maidens here so that we can enter the city together with proper pomp and circumstance.”
The king (who had basically already made up his mind) saw no reason to deny the princess such a simple thing. He sent the 39 maidens out to the harbor and onto her ship to prepare for a proper entrance. As soon as the women were aboard, she had the sailors weigh anchor and cast off. Again. She informed her new guests who she was and what she was about and asked them all to accompany her until destiny revealed her path. They were apparently so entranced by her presence, poise, and beauty that they agreed one and all to follow her anywhere, even to the ends of the earth. I don’t know if the young king sucked that bad or if they were just stoked to be given a choice in their own futures.
The slightly more crowded vessel sailed for a long time before sighting land once more. These must be like the worst sailors ever if they are cool with just wandering the ocean blindly with no idea where they’re going. No one knew who lived in this new place or what dangers they might face, so naturally they cast anchor and all went ashore. The 40 young women found a castle not far from where they landed and figured what the hell and all went right on in. No knocking, no invitation, just trespassing. Surely only good things can come of such reckless abandon, right?
Inside this unknown castle, they found 40 rooms, each with its own bed and rich, elegant furnishings. The larders were well-stocked with abundant wealth and plentiful food stores, so they made themselves at home, cooked a tasty meal, and went to bed. Around midnight, the silence was broken by the return of the castle’s owners. At least, owners in the sense that possession is 9/10 of the law. See, these men were thieves and brigands who had spent the day robbing and pillaging the countryside and had now returned with their hard-stolen booty.
These robbers were surprised but thrilled to find their castle suddenly awash in beautiful young women. “Well how do you like that shit, boys? We spent all day hunting for the richest game and it turns out the antelopes have just wandered into our very own den. What brings you ladies here, hmm? Looking for a good time?” The princess thought quickly (something she really should have done earlier) and bowed low. “Welcome home, brave heroes. We have been waiting eagerly for your return.”
The other 39 maidens followed her lead and all pretended to be thrilled to see the rough, dirty thieves. By pure and totally believable coincidence, there were exactly 40 thieves so each maiden took one roughian back to the bedchamber she had chosen as her own. The men were absolutely thrilled at this unbelievable turn of events, so each was more than happy to go into the room, close the door, and strip down naked. Part of disrobing was disarming, and they were all way too excited about the prospect of sex to notice the young women quietly taking their swords. The brigands were easily convinced to lay down for whatever nude fun was about to come their way. Instead, all 40 men were beheaded. Don’t worry, they definitely deserved it.
In one bloody stroke (or 40 of them), the maidens became the owners of a castle and a great deal of ill-gotten wealth. They weren’t the ones that stole it, sure, but that probably won’t make the people it was stolen from feel better (assuming any of them are still alive). Just don’t think about it too hard. Victory! I’m not sure what the women did after that, but I suspect they tossed the bodies, changed the sheets, and slept the rest of the night away in the murder beds.
In the morning, the 40 women dressed themselves in the nicest clothes the brigands had stolen and armed themselves in their weapons. Thus arrayed, they looked like a troop of 40 noble, youthful knights. Filling up saddlebags with all the gold, silver, and jewels they could carry, they mounted up on the thieve’s’ horses and rode towards the Kingdom of the West. I’m not sure how they know which way to go when they didn’t know where they were in the first place. Maybe there was a map in the castle? Maybe they just went west?
The group reached the outskirts of the capital city and camped in the meadow for the night. As they rested there, a herald came out to the city gates to announce to one and all that on the morrow, a new king would be elected. It seemed the old king had died and the prince had gone missing, leaving no heir to the throne. Rather than descend into bloody civil war as different powerful families tried to seize power, they apparently had some kind of traditional ceremony in place to choose the next ruler.
The next day, everyone living in the city gathered in the spacious park that lay next to the palace. Amongst them were the 40 foreigners who were curious about what was going to happen. As everyone watched and waited, the old king’s advisors released the royal eagle from the tallest tower. It soared into the air and circled the crowd, inspecting everyone assembled with its keen and maybe magical eyes. No one moved, no one even breathed as the bird glided overhead. Flapping its wings once more, it dove towards the crowd and pulled up amongst the group of 40 maidens before perching on the head of the princess from the Eastern Kingdom. You know, the sworn enemies of this kingdom?
The advisors realized that the princess (who they took for a wandering hedge knight) was not a citizen of the Western Kingdom and declared that a mistake must have been made. They carried the eagle back up to the tower and released it again, but it simply repeated its performance and landed on the princess a second time. After a third attempt yielded the same result, everyone accepted that the eagle had made its choice and heralded this wandering youth as their new king. Long live the king! She was carried into the royal palace along with her attendants. She was anointed with holy oil and crowned king with the other 39 maidens named as her ministers. I don’t know if this kingdom is very progressive and cool with a female king or if she’s just really good at pretending to be a dude. Either way, she proved to be a wise and just ruler, better than the kingdom had ever seen.
It didn’t take long for the people to decide they loved their new ruler with all their hearts and minds, and she loved her adopted people right back. Once her rule was secure, the new King of the West had a fountain built in the town square with a tall statue in her likeness. This isn’t simple vanity though – she instructed that a guard should always be in attendance to watch the people who came to drink. “Watch carefully. If you ever see a stranger come here to drink who sees this statue and appears to recognize me, bring them to the palace to speak with me.” That’s right, she’s got a clever plan.
It should come as no surprise that, in time, a young stranger did indeed come to the city. He went to the fountain to drink and, after he had sated himself, looked up at the statue. He started at the sight of it and then sighed deeply, staring at it long and hard. He was immediately arrested (which wasn’t exactly what the king had ordered but close enough for government work) and brought to the royal audience chamber. The king observed the stranger from behind a curtain to avoid being seen. Upon seeing his face, she immediately ordered him thrown into prison. Wait, what? No, she isn’t consolidating power by imprisoning the rightful prince because the stranger is actually the captain that had kidnapped her.
More time passed and another stranger came to the city square. He too drank, looked up at the statue with surprise, and then sighed with deep longing. He too was arrested and brought before the king. This man was quickly released and moved to an apartment in the palace. He was royalty but not the missing prince. No, this was the foreign king who had been hosting his own personal season of the Bachelor. More time passed and finally a third stranger came to the city and yes, this was the long-missing prince in disguise.
When the King saw her long lost fiance, she summoned all of the kingdom’s nobility as well as all the wise men of the realm. Once they were assembled in parliament, all three visitors were brought before them as the king told them all her story. After hearing it, they wasted no time in condemning the wicked captain to death by hanging, dragging him away to execute him. The foreign king was brought out and reintroduced to the 39 maidens slash ministers. To their number was added one of the King’s own handmaids to make up the requisite 40. I guess he picked one of them and married her? Kind of begs the question of why the princess had spirited them away in the first place, but maybe that was just cover to escape herself.
The two betrothed of destiny were reunited and soon wed. The festival for their nuptials lasted 40 days and 40 nights before the prince was officially crowned king as the true and rightful heir, with the now-former king becoming queen. Personally, I wanted them to rule as co-Kings (or even to have the prince become the Queen but no one asked me).
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’ll learn about ancient history from the Maori of New Zealand for our 200th episode. You’ll discover that there are male and female volcanoes, that love is a battlefield, and that passion can shake the world to its foundations. Then, in Gods and Monsters, Maui has a date with destiny and also a goddess, but not in a fun way. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.