Episode 135 – Seeking Brother Husband – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 135 Show Notes

Source: Tibetan Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’ll climb up into the heights of the Himalayan Mountains to windswept Tibet. You’ll see that some brothers know how to share, that you can do a lot with a cake and a skull, and that you should always know what your work is worth. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a tiny bat will disobey a mighty king. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 135, “Seeking Brother Husband”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story comes to us from Tibetan Folk Tales collected by A. L. Shelton in 1925. Once upon a time in a country that lay so high in the mountains that even little children would get tired trying to play, there was a great plateau completely surrounded by a dense forest. Built upon this enormous table-land was one large city amidst several smaller ones. All of them were ruled over by a king with seven sons. One day, these seven princes went out to the forest to entertain themselves. I’m not sure how old they’re supposed to be exactly, but at least old enough to know better.
While they were thus sporting through the woods, the princes stumbled across a beautiful young woman who was somewhere within the spread of the young men’s ages. Despite the fact that she was busy herding a large yak, she told the princes that she was the daughter of the King of the West. The yak had apparently wandered away from the kingdom and apparently no one else was available to track it down, so the princess herself had set out in search of it. All seven brothers were quite taken with this lovely young princess and so they called a little sidebar to talk it over. Polyandry (the practice of one woman having multiple husbands) was quite common in ancient Tibet so, instead of fighting over her, they all agreed to propose to her as a unit.
The princes were sheltered enough to be unsuspicious of this incredibly unlikely chance meeting, but you and I know better. This young lady was, in fact, no lady at all but a devil in disguise. Likewise, the yak was also a devil and, what’s more, he was the she-devil’s husband. Both could change their forms at will to pretty much any shape they wanted, which comes in very handy for devilish mischief. Being an unscrupulous devil, the pretend princess did not tell the seven princes the truth about herself or her yak husband. Instead, she drove the yak off (I don’t know what explanation she gave for getting rid of the thing she had supposedly come to this land from some kingdom they hadn’t heard of before) and agreed to this proposal. Technically, she had the right to marry the seven brothers even if she was already married but not without the informed consent of all parties involved. Literally no one but her is aware of the truth and also in agreement with her choice. Abandoning her existing husband, the she-devil went back to the capital city of the table-land with her seven new husbands. Surely only good things can come from this. Right?
Yeah, you know better than that. Within the first year of marriage, the eldest of the seven brothers died. Each year thereafter, the next oldest prince died until only the youngest remained and he wasn’t doing so hot. He had become incredibly ill and he knew that he was very, very close to following his six brothers to the grave. The leaders of the outlying villages gathered together to talk it over and try to figure out what the fuck could be done. Six dead princes in six years was one hell of a coincidence, but nothing they had tried had ever worked. All of the dead brothers had gotten the absolute best care and been given the latest and greatest medicines of the time but none of it had done a damned thing. So what now?
After talking and talking and talking, they finally decided to send for a man who was known for telling fortunes. Maybe he could discover what the hell was going on here. It was certainly worth a shot. Four men were chosen to go and seek him out, and so they did. It was a long, hard trip but the group did eventually find the fortune teller. Laying out the whole situation about the six dead princes and the dying seventh, they asked him to cast lots and read the results for them. The man nodded sagely and promised to peer into the future. He would lie down that night and dream a true dream about the situation, which he would relate to them in the morning.
And that, my friends, was a bald-faced lie. You see, this fortune teller was a total fucking fraud. He had absolutely no skill at telling the future and he realized he was in a really bad situation here. Lying to commoners was one thing, but now royalty was involved. The fake fortune teller did what many wise men do when confronted with a problem they can’t solve – they ask a woman who’s smarter than them. He went to his wife as soon as the quartet left and asked her what the hell he was supposed to do. She thought for a moment. “You do the only thing you’re good at – you lie your ass off. You’ve lied about plenty of fortunes before this, so what’s one more? I’m sure we can come up with some fake vision to tell those well-paying men that will satisfy them without getting you in trouble. We just need to be clever.”
In the morning, the four men came back to see the sham of a psychic. “I dreamed of your prince and your home last night. I will get out my black robes and my black hat so that I may travel back with you. I can prepare charms and read prayers for you, which will make everything right in the palace once more.” That seems like a high risk/high reward proposition. On the one hand, seeing the situation in the city for himself will allow him to tailor his lies more carefully and make it seem like he’s actually magical; on the other hand, he’ll be very close at hand if he isn’t able to save the prince and his customers want to take a bloody refund out of his hide. Taking up holy beads in one hand and the skull of a hog in the other, he returned back to the royal city with the four men.
It took every bit as long to return as it had to come out here in the first place, but they arrived without incident. The devil bride saw the posse coming and didn’t know what to make of this odd procession. Being very much a supernatural creature, she wasn’t at all sure whether this strange fortune teller really did have magic powers. Had he had some vision about what she had done to the six princes, what she was currently doing to the seventh?
Getting right to work, the fake fortune teller made with the hocus pocus. He started by baking a torma (a ritual cake) molded from butter and tsampa (a roasted barley flour). Such cakes are very complex and colored with vivid, intricate dyes to symbolize deities, offerings, mandalas (geometric designs used for meditation and prayer), or even weapons.The torma was placed gently on the ailing prince’s forehead and covered with the hog’s skull, and then both were draped under a cloth. The fortune teller then asked everyone else to leave the sick house so that the magic could do its work.
As soon as the small crowd was gone, the sick prince stopped tossing and turning, sighed, and fell into a deep sleep. The faux psychic saw this, thought the prince was dying before his eyes, and nearly pissed himself in terror. In reality, the prince was doing a little better simply because his wife, the she-devil, had left the room. She was eating his soul just as she had her other six husbands, and it was already half-devoured. With her gone, the prince was finally able to relax and his soul was able to start to heal, just a little.
The terrified psychic called out for help several times, but no one came. He had warned them all to stay out while the magic worked and they were taking him at his word. He very much didn’t want to be discovered here with a dead prince, so the man thought that maybe it was time to get the hell out of Dodge while the getting was still good. Only, when he tried to open the door and slip out, he found that he had been locked inside the building. That hadn’t been part of his instructions, but apparently the prince’s attendants were making very sure that no one disturbed the fake fortune teller and his charge. Well, shit. What now?
Thinking quickly, the fraudster decided that, if he couldn’t escape this trap of his own making, he would just have to hide until it blew over enough to let him sneak out. He couldn’t get out, but he could go up. The faker tiptoed up the stairs, which led out onto the roof. Night had fallen while he’d been preparing the torma and pretending to cast spells, so he couldn’t see where he was going very well. The little balcony he was on turned out to be missing a few boards and so the fraudster tumbled through the opening and down to the ground. Well, nearly to the ground anyway. See, there was a yak standing right there and the man tumbled down onto its horns. This understandably spooked the poor animal, who bucked and reared and raced off into the night with the hapless psychic still tangled in its horns.
The fake fortune teller had a few moments to think that he had managed his escape, however painfully and accidentally, but then the yak pulled up beside the prince’s wife (who we know is a shapeshifting she-devil). And yes, this yak is the one she’s married to. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. With a frightened squeak, he managed to roll off the yak’s back and into some thick bushes to hide. He didn’t dare move and give away his location while the two devils were right the hell there. The she devil had come out here to be alone because the sudden appearance of this intimidating man dressed all in black and claiming to be able to heal the prince of the evil consuming his spirit frightened her. What if he was legit? I mean, he’s not but she doesn’t know that.
Seeing his evil wife, the yak-devil brayed and hurried in her direction. “He’s onto us! He jumped onto my head in the darkness, knowing full well that I’m a he-devil in disguise. He has been beating me in the head with his magic charm the whole time I’ve been trying and failing to throw him off me. This holy man is going to kill me, wife! What do I do? Help me!” His wife didn’t move, eyes wide in terror. “He knows me just as clearly as he knows you, husband – I dare not come over and help you or he’ll kill both of us. As soon as morning comes, he will call all the people together and they will scheme to be rid of us for good. We’re fucked, my yak husband!” Neither said it aloud, but they both feared that the women would be called together to bring wood for a fire to burn the two devils to ash with. Or maybe they would devise some even more agonizing death. The twisted minds of the two devils could concoct some pretty elaborate torture schemes.
The faux fortune teller had been full of shit before, but now he legitimately knew what to do to save the prince (though only because the two devils had accidentally told him). He crept back into the city proper and shimmied his way up to the roof and down the stairs to where the prince was still peacefully sleeping. He set up the torma and the hog’s skull again and got back to reading his prayers. In his mind however, he was laying plans that were pretty much exactly what the two devils had laid out.
It wasn’t long before the quiet murmur of the man’s voice awoke the prince, who was much improved from a night of restful sleep without a devil munching on his soul the whole time. Seeing the prince stirring, the fortune teller put aside his book. “Good morning, my prince. How do you feel?” The prince stretched experimentally. “Much better, actually. Thank you!” “Don’t thank me yet, there’s still much to do and the threat is far from over. Once the sun rises, I need you to call all your headmen together and have them organize their people. Bring all the guns and swords they can carry and have the women bring as much wood as they can spare.” These were unusual instructions but the fake mystic healer had done what no one else had been able to, so the prince was completely willing to go along with his plans.
The orders were sent out and, in a remarkably short time, all was ready. Wood had been piled up around an open center as though for an offering to an idol, exactly as the fortune teller had commanded. Seeing that everything was ready, the fake magician went and saddled up his yak (who was of course the he-devil in disguise) and rode him around the city for some fresh air until they ‘stumbled’ across the gathered wood. Snatching up his hog’s skull, the man beat the yak three times in the head. “Show me the true body of this yak!” Squealing in pain, the yak’s form melted into that of the he-devil.
The creature’s natural form was absolutely hideous with two long canine teeth that hung all the way down to his chest and two more that rose up to his forehead. The armed men wasted no time, having been prepared for this terrible transformation. With their guns and spears and swords, they butchered the he-devil until he was nothing but a twitching hunk of bloody meat. That done, the fortune teller called for the princess to come and meet her husband. She’d sensed the death of her devilish husband and knew the jig was up. She came, but at a dead sprint screaming bloody murder, her hands raised to scratch out her tormenter’s eyes.
The fortune teller caught her between her own eyes with the hog’s skull and demanded to see her true form. Like the he-devil, her form shimmered to reveal her hideous true appearance with enormous teeth like her husband’s, clawed hands with razor-sharp talons, and a long, snakelike tongue. She died screaming under another barrage of bullets and melee weapons, her bloody corpse heaped atop her husband’s. Both devil corpses were shoveled carefully into the center of the fire, which was set alight.The people watched intently to make sure the bodies burned and the threat was ending. By the time they turned around to heap praises on the conquering fortune teller, he had slipped away back to the sick man in his charge.
The young prince felt better each and every day as his soul began to knit itself back together. It was clear he would make a full recovery in a remarkably short time. “You saved my life, fortune teller. What can I offer you in return? Whatever you wish, ask and I will give it to you if it be in my power.” The man thought for a moment. “Could I get one of those wooden rings you use to lead a yak around by the nose?” His wife always said that he couldn’t make them properly, so he thought she’d appreciate having one made by the best craftsman for miles around. The prince laughed at this humble request. He gave the fortune teller 100 wooden rings as well as seven yaks loaded up with goods to accompany him on his way home.
His wife saw his little procession coming and she took some wine out to meet her returning husband. Given that he was back with much more than he’d left with, things must have gone well. After washing off the dust of the road and eating some dinner together, she asked her husband to regale her with the stories of his adventures. He told her all about the two devils eating the prince’s soul and about trapping and killing them, saving the prince. He might have made some of his exploits seem a little more like bravery than cowardly luck, and although she knew her husband well enough to know he was bullshitting a little, she let him have his moment. It would be a short moment.
“So you saved the life of a prince and all you come back with is some dried cheese and meat and a bunch of rings for the yak? I knew I should have come with you, love. You were always bad at bargaining. I’ll handle it.” She considered going down to see the prince herself, but decided it would be wiser to write a letter. In it, she warned the prince that the fortune teller had dreamed another true dream, saying that the small reward given to the prince’s savior might not be enough to keep the prince’s mysterious disease from returning one day.
The king considered this letter graciously. He’d thought it odd that the fortune teller had asked for so little. He’d given the man everything he’d asked for and much more besides, but he agreed that it wasn’t enough to pay for the life of his only surviving son. The next day, the prince rode out to see the fortune teller. “I have received your letter and I agree with you. I should have given more. I will raise you up to a station equal to my own and set you to rule over half my kingdom.” There’s no word on what kind of king he made but I suspect that, as long as he listened to his much cleverer and more pragmatic wife, he did okay. And so with the soul-eating devils reduced to dust on the wind, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s clever critter is the wise bat.
This story also comes by way of Tibetan Folk Tales, collected by A. L. Shelton. A long, long time ago (much longer than the previous story – we’re talking back in the mythic age when humans and animals still understood each other’s languages and could speak to each other), there lived a very powerful king. He lived far away in a distant corner of the world and ruled over all the animals and people in his vast lands. His palace lay in the very midst of the forest so that he could dwell amongst the many birds and animals that lived nearby. It was an idyllic time and everyone seemed happy and content. Well, everyone, that is, except for the queen. She hated the raucous sound of thousands of birds all singing at the same time but definitely not singing together.
It can certainly be an auditory riot whenever you get enough critters together and I get overstimulated by loud sounds, so I get where she’s coming from but her solution is brutal and selfish – she asked her husband the king to cut off the bills of all the kingdom’s birds so that they could no longer sing. No trying out earplugs, no attempt at negotiation, no she went straight to mutilation of what were definitely sentient beings who were able to speak. Though they wouldn’t be able to anymore if she had her way. And she would for the king could deny his wife nothing. “Very well, my wife. We will cut off their beaks as you wish in a few days.”
As it so happened, a little bat was hanging upside down in the eaves of the palace. He had been napping but the royal conversation had woken him up. And a good thing too. He’d heard the queen’s request and the king’s assent, so he was the only one who knew the horror that was about to befall his flying brethren. He wasn’t sure what he could do about it, but he clearly had to do something. The next day, the king sent messengers out to all corners of his kingdom. All of the birds (which seems to include flying mammals as well) were to gather at the palace at noon three days hence. It was absolutely essential that all of them be there at the same time so they were asked to put the message at the center of their hearts so they didn’t forget.
The bat made sure to vanish from the palace before the third day. He had a plan and he was hoping he’d read the situation right. All of the birds arrived at the palace as ordered on the third day and a census was taken as noon approached. That’s when it was discovered that the little bat was missing. The king was furious that someone had disregarded his orders and everyone was forced to hang tight until the bat could be located. If he was going to have the beaks of all the flying things cut off, it had to be done at once or the later birds would hear what was happening and never come to the palace.
The next day, the bat finally winged his way into the palace to confront the enraged king. “Where the fuck have you been, bat? I told everyone to be here yesterday at noon and yet you don’t saunter in until a full day later? You better have a fucking good explanation for your lateness.” The little bat bowed low. “I do indeed, your majesty. These birds can come and go at your beck and call since they have no business to attend to and no responsibilities to care for. Me? I’m super busy with so many things, just like my father was before me. See, I have to make sure the death rate stays where it should be in order to govern the sex question. You know, making sure there are roughly an equal number of men and women in the world at any given time.”
That gave the king pause. “I…didn’t know you did all that. I’d never heard of such a thing before. Why does such an important task fall on the shoulders of such a little bat?” The bat dodged the question. “Oh that’s not all. I’m also responsible for separating the night from the day and making sure the hours of light and darkness are balanced.” “You must be very busy and very powerful indeed to accomplish all this. How exactly do you do it? Please explain. In detail.”
The bat nodded. “Well, when the nights are short, I shave a little off the morning and when the nights are long, I take a little off the evening instead. That way, the day and the night stay equal. That one gets away from me sometimes and either the days or the nights get long, but that’s because people don’t die fast enough. I have to make sure the sick and the old die at the proper time so that the birth rate isn’t affected because when that gets out of whack, then the number of men and women doesn’t match anymore. You end up with more men than women and some of these men become enabling assholes who agree to whatever asinine thing their wife proposes without thinking about it. Those kinds of men, I turn into women to keep the numbers equal.”
The king had already been suspicious, but now he knew for sure that the bat was full of shit. However, he also realized that the bat’s very thinly-veiled criticism of him was valid. He was angry with himself for agreeing to his wife’s awful suggestion without pushing back even a little, which is not proper conduct for a king. And besides, on the off chance that the bat actually was in charge of all the things he claimed to be, the king didn’t particularly want to be turned into a woman. I’ll leave it up to you to decide how much of the king’s fear is pure sexism and how much is very real awareness of how much more privilege he had in his kingdom as a man. Either way, the king decided not to follow through on his decision. He would let the birds go without cutting off any of their beaks.
He stepped out to address the birds, who were still assembled. “Up until now, humans haven’t known how to make laws for your kind and to mete out punishment when those laws are broken. That changes now. I am appointing Cuckoo to be King of the Birds and Hoopoe to be his Prime Minister. I have called you all here to bear witness to this proclamation and to ask them to rule wisely and well, to judge justly, and to not oppress the people. Hear the petitions of all who come to you, be they large or small, rich or poor, and judge fairly regardless of their station. Now you may all return to your homes. Except for you, Bat.”
See, the king might have recognized the wisdom in the little bat’s criticism, but that didn’t mean the king wasn’t still furious with him. All the flying creatures had been ordered to gather at the palace on the third day and the bat had disobeyed. It didn’t matter that he’d had a good reason – ignoring a king’s direct order had to carry consequences. This being a folktale, you’re probably expecting something that will explain some facet of bat behavior but no. This king believed in corporal punishment, so he turned the bat over his knee and spanked him for being naughty. Seriously. And that’s how it ends, with a bat getting spanked by a king. I’m not kink-shaming but I am kink-asking why. I’m not quite certain what this particular king was into but I guess that’s between him and the bat.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re off to Wales to wander with the Romani people. You’ll learn why you should never listen to a stone, why red clothes are a red flag, and why you should be careful what gates you walk through. Then, in Gods and Monsters, three horny reckless sisters will travel through impossible forests to cavort with devils. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.