Episode 132 – Fearless – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 132 Show Notes

Source: Swedish Folklore

This week on MYTH, it’s a stirring tale of a boy and his…cow? You’ll learn that grit and kindness can accomplish a lot, that long hair can be a liability, and that you should always have an exit strategy. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a giant is going to demand too much cheese and reindeer steak. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 132, “Fearless”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story comes to us originally from Bland Tomtar och Troll, which is Swedish for Among Gnomes and Trolls. The first four volumes were illustrated by the great John Bauer and collected tales from all over Sweden by numerous different authors. This story was written by Alfred Smedberg in 1912.
Once upon a time, there lived a poor farmer who farmed someone else’s lands to feed his eight hungry children. The only thing he actually owned was a single cow named Lily White, so alas his poor kids often had to make do with very little. In the plus column for our poor farmer, Lily White was easily the best cow in the whole damned country, giving as much milk as the fattest cow in the richest manor. Not only was she a champion milk-giver, she was also quite clever and not just for a cow. Lily White was smart enough to understand every word the eight children spoke around her, and they chattered around her pretty much ceaselessly.
Despite being hungry, the kids weren’t hangry and they treated Lily White quite kindly. In fact, they were extremely devoted to her and treated her more like a pet than a beast of burden. For her part, the dairy cow was udderly happy and content (pun intended) – the actual quote is that she was as happy as a wasp in a jam jar. I guess that’s pretty happy, even though I’ve never known a wasp to be anything other than an angry murder machine. Anywho.
Each day, the farmer let Lily White out to wander where she wanted and graze to her heart’s content. She usually wandered up to the manor house where the grass was greenest and sweetest, but she always found her way back home by the time the sun went down. Until the day she didn’t. The farmer was understandably worried about his prize cow and immediately headed out to look for her. He spent half the night searching but was eventually forced to come home exhausted and dejected to the disappointed faces of his eight children.
He slept fitfully and rose again with the sun. With his wife and the eldest of his children in tow, he set out again to search for the missing Lily White in daylight. Together, they walked from one end of the pasture to the other without finding any sign of the missing cow. Finally, in the farthest corner of the field they stumbled across hoofprints in the soft earth. Upsettingly, they didn’t just find cow prints – beside them were those made by the big, clumsy feet of something much, much larger than Lily White. Trembling, the farmer knew it could only be one thing – one of the trolls of Hulta Wood.
The one small silver lining to this disaster was that the farmer now knew exactly where to look for his missing cow. The awful troll had clearly come slouching out from its dank caves in the granite mountain rising above the trees. Anyone could see how fine a cow Lily White was, even a horrid troll, and so it had led her away with him. With luck, it was keeping her alive for the milk. Of course, that was only useful information if they could figure out a way to save her. Which they couldn’t.
Dejected, the group went home to break the terrible news to the younger children, who understandably cried their little eyes out. The farmer and his wife made a half-hearted effort to scheme a way to save good ol’ Lily White, but they quickly gave it up. No one had ever dared enter the mountain caves where the trolls dwelt and lived to tell the tale. To make it worse, trolls weren’t the only horrors lurking in the dark places of the woods. There was the green-haired witch of Hulta Wood, the bellowing watchdog of the forest, and the shaggy bear king of the forest. Any of them could absolutely end your life before you even made it far enough to risk your life with the trolls.
Now, as it so happened, one of the farmer’s eight children was a small boy named Nisse. He was unique among the seven parishes of the country. See, young Nisse wasn’t afraid of anything. I need you to really hear me now. I don’t mean that Nisse was very brave, I mean that he literally didn’t feel fear about anything, no matter how dangerous it was. He wasn’t missing the fear center of his brain or anything, he was just such a good-hearted, kind, and generous person towards every single living thing he’d ever met in his entire life that literally everyone liked him. His friendliness was such that not even the fiercest and most vicious creatures of the wilds had any desire to hurt him. Thus, young Nisse wasn’t afraid of any wolves or bears or witches or even trolls living in Hulta Wood.
You’ve probably heard enough folktales by now to know where this is going. Yup, no sooner had Nisse (being one of the younger kids who’d been left behind while his parents searched for the missing Lily White) heard the news than he decided to go and get her back. He announced his intentions to his family, and his parents let him go without trying to stop him. By now, they had seen enough examples of literally every creature loving Nisse enough to not harm him that they believed he might actually be able to pull this stunt off. They hoped that, unlike anyone else who might attempt the impossible here, Nisse might actually have nothing to fear.
The young boy grabbed a nice strong stick, put a slice of buttered bread in his pocket, and started walking. I don’t know that I’d be interested in eating pocket bread after a long walk in the hot sun, but I’m not a little kid in a fairy tale. Nisse walked with purpose and soon arrived at the edge of the forest. No one went into these dark woods, so there was no path between the brooding trees. It wasn’t easy making his way over boulders, under fallen trees, and across deep ravines, but he was as small and nimble as an eel, so he made it work.
In time, the heavy brush parted at a clearing, revealing the wild witch sitting on a small ledge and combing her tousled green hair, which fell in heavy waves all the way to her hips. Not gonna lie, this witch is low-key a vibe. Having no fear, as we discussed, Nisse strode boldly out of the forest and directly towards the witch, who couldn’t help but notice this interloper. “Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my forest?” There was a threatening edge in her voice, but Nisse just smiled his friendliest smile at her. “I’m Nisse and I’m out looking for my missing cow, kind lady. The trolls have stolen her away, and I mean to get her back.” The boy never even paused as he said this to the witch over his shoulder.
The witch snarled at this unwelcome intruder. “Now see here, you little asshole!” She leapt down from the ledge to snatch the boy by his collar, intending to drag him away to her lair for some cruel witchiness (likely cannibalism, given the usual modus operandi of witches in folklore). As she leapt, her long, flowing hair streamed out behind her in a truly cinematic image. Unfortunately, as she dropped past the thick fir trees around the ledge her hair got tangled up in the grasping branches. The witch found herself caught fast, dangling by her hair with just the tips of her toes able to reach the ground. She screamed and thrashed, but this only succeeded in tangling her hair up worse. She was stuck and utterly unable to free herself.
This witch had definitely intended to do harm to Nisse, good-natured lad or no, so he would have been well within his rights to feel some schadenfreude. Most people probably would have pointed and laughed that it served her right for attacking an innocent traveler like that, but not Nisse. His kindness and good heart were not an act – he actually was that fricking nice. He tutted gently at the tangled witch like you might a dog that got itself trapped in a chair while trying to steal your dinner. “You’ve gotten yourself into quite the predicament, little Mother. Hold still – I’ll get you out.”
Nisse scrambled nimbly up into the trees and crawled from branch to branch, loosening the thick tufts of green hair from the ensnaring branches. It took some doing, but he at last managed to free the forest witch. By the time he was done, murderous rage had been replaced by bemused curiosity. “You’re an odd child, Nisse. I doubt anyone else would have stopped to help someone who was about to hurt them. I meant to punish you for coming here, but that doesn’t feel right now that you helped me. I guess I’ll help you in return.” Nisse smiled in gratitude. “That would be very kind of you, little Mother.”
“You say your cow is lost somewhere deeper in the woods, right? Well you’ll never make it through those trees alive unless you can understand the dangerous animals that dwell there. You need to know their language. Lucky for you, I have a magical herb that will do the trick. Put it in your ear and you will be able to understand everything the wild beasts say while you are in my forest.” Thanking the helpful witch again for her generosity, he followed her instructions and continued on his way.
Nisse traveled on for a long ways deeper into the murky woods when he heard growling and snarling from the bushes. The watchdog of the forest materialized out of the gloom, fur stiff, teeth bared. Eyes burning with malice, it limped towards the child on three legs. Anyone else would have been scared shitless at this enormous mound of muscle, teeth, and claw preparing to pounce, but fearless Nisse felt only empathy. “Oh you poor, sweet doggy! What’s happened to your paw? Is it hurt? Can I help?” The wolf-sized dog had been just about to leap for the boy’s throat, but his kind words caught the beast off-guard.
He sat down and looked at the child with that cocked head confused puppy dog look. The story isn’t clear on whether the flower also lets the boy speak in the language of the animals or if (like Lily White) they just all understand the human language. Either way, the guard dog was taken aback by the boy’s offer of aid. “You’re not like other humans, are you, boy?” Nisse shrugged. “Maybe not. Can I see you paw, little Father? I promise I’ll be gentle.” Hesitantly, the dog offered its foreleg. Lifting it carefully, the boy spied a heavy thorn buried in the hound’s paw. As delicately as he could manage, Nisse pulled it out and then covered the wound with a poultice of soothing moss tied with long grass. “That should help it heal up a little faster and also make it hurt less in the meantime.” The guard dog tested the foot and gave a doggy grin.”You’re right – that feels much better. You know, I’d meant to tear your ears off your face, but I don’t want to do that anymore. What brings a small, tasty-looking boy like you out to these dangerous woods?”
“The trolls stole our beloved cow, so I’m headed to their caves to get her back.” The watchdog cocked its head in that confused way again. “Seriously? You’re planning to go into the troll caves? Of your own volition? All by yourself? That’s not what I’d call an age-appropriate task for a child. Well, since you did heal my foot, I’ll do what I can to help you survive this certain doom.” He thought for a moment. “I know – I’ll go with you as a guide. That way I can show you the safest path and maybe I can help keep some of the vicious denizens of this place from trying to eat you.” Nisse gladly accepted his new traveling companion and the two of them set off once more for the caves.
As promised, the watchdog led the way, scampering along the fallen trees and sniffing out the safest traveling path for them both. Together, they spent the next several hours making their way deep, deep into the forest – deeper than even the watchdog had ever been before. The woods gave way to a peat bog and the dog stopped to consider. Journeying through the treacherous bog would be dangerous enough (lots of unwary critters got stuck in the mud and dragged down below), but that wasn’t what had the dog so shook. No, that honor went to the massive, shaggy form of an enormous bear lumbering through the bog in search of wild cranberries.
If you’ve played any number of video games (Assassin’s Creed Odyssey and Elden Ring come to mind) or if you’ve read the incredible Animorphs series, then you know just how deadly an angry bear can be. The watchdog was a fierce canine and not exactly small himself, but he knew better than to tangle with a bear. “We’d better steer wide of that bear. It’ll take longer, but it’ll be a lot safer – that bear is known to kill and eat cattle and people alike.” Nisse cocked his own head and considered the bear, with his widdle ears and his adorable wiggling nose. “I dunno, I think he looks pretty cute. Surely something that fuzzy is friendly, right?” And he kept right on walking into the peat bog.
He hadn’t gotten very far before the bear noticed the small boy approaching him. With an earth-shaking roar, he rose up onto his hind legs the way bears do when they’re about to commit murder and stalked towards the incredibly tiny figure of the child. Nisse just smiled up at the bear in childish wonder. “Wow, what a cool gravelly voice you have!” He held out his hand in greeting. “I bet you’d make a hell of a bass in the choir with that big voice.” The bear roared again, a clear warning of imminent death. “See, that’s what I’m talking about. That deep rumble really carries. As loud as you are, you seem really friendly since you’re waving at me with both paws. Hi!” Nisse waved back at the bear who was most definitely not waving in greeting.
The watchdog wanted to help Nisse but he knew that all he could realistically do at this point was get his ass eaten alongside the boy, so he stayed where he was. The bear loomed over Nisse, slavering jaws opened to devour the child in a single gulp. “Don’t touch that boy!” The green-haired witch leapt out from the trees behind the watchdog as she yelled, drawing the bear’s attention. She’d been curious about what the young boy meant to do when he arrived at the troll caves (and maybe she’d still felt a little bad about almost murdering such a sweet child), so she’d secretly followed him from a distance. “Seriously, bear, he’s not like other humans. You know I’m not big on ‘people’ as a rule, but this one’s different.”
The bear snarled at the meddling witch. “Fuck off, this is none of your business. He’s in my bog, so he’s my dinner!” The bear opened his jaws even wider and leaned down towards the boy. Sighing, the witch grabbed a gnarled stump of a long-dead fir tree from the edge of the bog. The marshy water had long since rotted away the roots, so the hardened stump came away easily in her hands. Taking aim, she hurled the stump directly into the bear’s gaping jaws. It stuck there, caught in the bear’s huge teeth preventing it from growling or biting.
For his part, Nisse just looked up at the bear who had definitely been moments away from eating him if the witch hadn’t intervened with compassion and pity. “I know you were just trying to help, and I appreciate it, but that wasn’t a very nice thing to do to old Father here. He was being so friendly and just wanted to greet me with open paws and a big smile. Hold on a moment, old Father, and I’ll see if I can help you out of this predicament.” Looking around, Nisse found a long, heavy stick and used it to poke and prod at the stump in the bear’s jaws. It took some doing (while the bear sat very patiently as the boy worked since he would very quickly starve to death if the stump wasn’t removed) but Nisse eventually pried it free.
The bear worked its aching jaws a little and then considered his helper with new eyes. “I guess the witch was right. That was very neatly done, child, thank you. You clearly have a lot of moxie as well as compassion. You do realize that I was about to eat you, right? Swallow your tender flesh in one gulp, but not anymore. You saved my life, which means your life is safe from me forever. What are you doing out here so deep in the wilderness? Very few humans ever come to my bog.”
“I’m looking for my lost cow. The trolls stole her away and took her to their caves.” The bear stared at the small, fragile human child. “You’re going to brave the trolls in their lair? You’re even braver than I thought. If you’re going to outwit the trolls of Hulta Wood though, you’ll have to be a lot cleverer than you look. I guess I should tag along with you and see if I can help out on your quest. I owe you that after you saved my life.” Thus agreed, the entire party set out for the caves: the dog leading the way, Nisse scampering along right behind, the bear waddling along behind them both, and the green-haired witch bringing up the rear.
This hodgepodge party arrived at the troll’s mountain caves as the sky was beginning to darken. This deep in the woods, night would fall fast. The various forest dwellers knew more or less where the entrance to the labyrinthine cave was, but the trolls had blocked it up with heavy boulders a la Polyphemus in the Odyssey. The rocks weren’t a perfect fit for the tunnels, and a gap remained that was just about big enough for a small dog to crawl through. Or perhaps a small child. The bear came to the same conclusion. “Nisse can probably fit in there, but I doubt the rest of us can. If you get attacked by a troll, call for me and I’ll come running. Trolls may be big and scary, but even they don’t want to tangle with a bear. They’ll have a real fight on their hands if I jump in the ring.” I don’t know how the bear is supposed to join the combat if he can’t even enter the tunnels. Maybe the rest of the party plan to try and make a bigger opening while Nisse is inside? I mean, it’s not like Lily White can crawl out of the tiny gap, so it makes sense.
Nisse nodded gratefully to the bear. “I doubt I’ll need any backup, but I appreciate the offer, bear.” And without any hesitation, Nisse crawled through the narrow opening. It was a tight squeeze, but it soon opened up into a dank cave as big as a barn. A cheerful fire crackled at the center, with the enormous old troll sitting beside it at a rough-hewn table. So I guess it’s not such a massive maze of caves after all. Or he just got lucky and they lived in the very first chamber. The monster was idly munching on a bone, though the story doesn’t tell us what kind of bone it was. It could just as easily be from a cow or a person. He was a frightful sight with his huge, bulbous nose that had been broken several times, enormous hairy arms, and eyes that glowed a faint yellowy-green like a cat’s in the firelight. Beyond the troll stood Lily White, contentedly munching on some rough thistles the troll had picked for her in the forest.
The keen-eyed troll spied the young man immediately. “Well lookie here, a little street urchin has come poking around my cave.” With one enormous hand, he snatched little Nisse up around the waist and lifted him onto the table. “And where might you have come scuttling in here from?” Nisse bowed politely at his host. “Good evening, friend troll. I was just looking for my lost cow who seems to have wandered into your cave by mistake. I’m so sorry about that. I’ll just fetch her and we’ll both be out of your hair in no time.” The troll laughed at the absurdity. “Oh my dear little fellow, you truly are as naive as you are brave. Your cow didn’t wander here, I took her. My old woman and I needed the milk, so we snagged the cow. And you, well, you’ll make a very tasty chop for dinner. As soon as Mother returns, she’ll put a pan on the fire and fry you up nice and crispy.”
Nisse cocked his head at the troll. “You’re joking, right? Surely you wouldn’t be so cruel as to murder and eat a little boy who has done nothing at all to hurt you.” The troll laughed even harder. “Are you shitting me? I’m a fucking troll, boy. I’m exactly cruel enough to do that. Haven’t you ever heard any of the stories about us? They’re all true. I will absolutely fry you up and eat you. Aren’t you afraid of me?” Nisse shook his head. “No, I’m not afraid. I’ve heard the stories, sure, but I know people exaggerate things to make a good story. I know you’re not as bad as you pretend to be. It’s just an act. Bluster.” The child’s bold, utterly fearless demeanor unnerved the troll. He’d never met anyone quite like Nisse before. “Mother? Get your ass in here quickly and light that fire. We need to cook this morsel up soonest.”
From another tunnel leading deeper under the mountain, an old troll woman appeared. She had flint and steel in her hands and, grumbling, started trying to make a fire. I don’t know why she didn’t just take a branch from the fire the troll is sitting beside, which we already established and would be a lot easier. It’s a hell of an oversight. Nisse smiled at this new host. “Thank you for your kindness, Little Mother. It’s very sweet of you to build a nice fire to warm up your old man’s bones. I’d love to stay and enjoy your hospitality but it’s getting dark. It’s high time that Lily White and I started for home.”
The fire caught and the old woman set a huge iron frying pan atop it with some butter to fry up the boy. The other troll grabbed Nisse off the table and prepared to toss him alive into the pan. The child made him uncomfortable and the troll wanted him dead right the fuck now. Nisse was learning an important lesson, though it was almost too late to do anything with it. It turns out that most creatures can be won over by friendliness, kindness, and generosity, but not everything. With a monster as nasty as a troll, violence is the only language they understand.
It was almost too late to use this lesson, but Nisse was quick and he had allies. “Bear! You were right – I do need that backup! I’d appreciate it greatly if you could get in here and help out.” The other party members had loosened things up a bit by now, so at Nisse’s cry the bear was able to fling the boulders away from the cave entrance in a great heave. Before the thunderous crash had died away, the enormous beast was charging into the cave and roaring at the surprised trolls. The watchdog and the green-haired witch followed in the bear’s wake brandishing their own claws and weapons respectively.
The bear caught the troll holding Nisse by the throat and shook it like a ragdoll before tossing it heavily to the earth. The watchdog charged at the old woman troll and lunged with a snarl. His teeth missed flesh but closed on her leather jacket and he jerked that to pull the troll off-balance. She fell head-first into the water pail by the fire. While the two trolls were thus occupied, the witch hurried over to Lily White, loosened the rope tied around her neck, and led her out of the cave to safety. Freed from the troll’s huge hand by the bear’s attack, Nisse raced over to the cow and scrambled up onto her back. Clutching her long horns for balance, he heeled her gently in the ribs to get her moving.
“Thank you all for your help. I couldn’t have done it without you all. Try not to be too hard on the trolls – it’s really not their fault. They’re just being trolls, after all. Let’s go home, Lily White!” The cow didn’t need much urging to get moving. She had never much liked the smell of the trolls anyway, so she was quite content to carry the friendly young boy back to the sweet pastures she was used to. They galloped away from the mountain, over the bog, and through the woods. She was incredibly sure-footed and had no trouble making her way back home safely. By the time the sun was peeking over the horizon, the two were back at the small croft.
There was a great deal of celebration as the family woke up to the triumphant return of the pair. There was some concern initially that the trolls would return to the farmer’s small house to resteal Lily White (and maybe cause some revenge mayhem). Fortunately, they never did. It turns out that the surprise assault by the alliance of forest baddies – who had all joined forces to help Nisse because he was so friendly and kind – that they never dared to come within miles of Lily White or Nisse. And so they lived humbly but happily ever after. I really like this story because it shows that kindness and good intentions can make friends out of the unlikeliest of people, but also that it won’t work 100% of the time. Some assholes are just too monstrous to befriend, so it’s good to have friends at your back. And so, with Lily White safely returned, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is Stalo.
This story comes from Great Swedish Fairy Tales, published in 1978, by P. A. Lindholm. Once upon a time, high on a towering mountain where the snow drifts piled up six feet high and never melted, there lived a cruel, evil giant named Stalo. There was a crystal clear lake outside his cave, but no one dared to fish there (or otherwise come anywhere near his cave) without first leaving an offering of reindeer steak or a wheel of cheese on the stone table the giant had built near the lake. Every spring and every autumn, the Lapp people who lived in the area had to offer up a whole reindeer to the giant or the rest of their year would be cursed. And by cursed, I mean that Stalo would slaughter their reindeer herds or send packs of wolves to hunt them down. Stalo was cruel and vengeful and it was said that he ruled over the wild beasts of the forest, so this was absolutely something he could do.
When Stalo was angry, rumbling and roaring could be heard echoing all over the mountain range. No one dared go see what was up, but they whispered amongst themselves that the giant was amusing himself by flinging rocks and boulders around. Which sounds a lot like an explanation for an avalanche. As soon as these rumblings began, everyone fled because it was well known that the only thing that made the giant happier than destruction was killing and eating humans.
Now, in the Lapp village that lay in the mountains, there lived a courageous and clever boy named Kauras. He’d grown up with this atmosphere of fear and he was sick of it. Kauras resolved to put an end to the troublesome giant once and for all. Thus, he went out to fish in Stalo’s lake without placing any offering on the table. The giant, who apparently watched his lands like a hawk, noticed almost immediately and came storming down from the peak. “Hey, you! Boy! Get the fuck out of my lake! Shoo!” Kauras studiously ignored the giant, who was so huge that the human child could have fit in his pocket. One of Stalo’s eyes was as big as Kauras’ entire head (or maybe he only had one – a later passage in the story implies he might be a cyclops). Kauras should have been trembling in his boots, but he seemed wildly unconcerned at the giant’s approach.
“Calm down, Father. I’ll leave your lake just as soon as I have caught all the fish I can carry home. Can you be a little quieter? You’re scaring the fish.” Naturally, this nonchalance infuriated the giant, who roared all the louder. “Get the fuck out of here now! Now now fucking now or I’ll kill you!” Kauras burst out laughing. “Kill me, Father? No, I don’t think so. That simply wouldn’t do at all.” And he laughed even harder, which confused the hell out of Stalo. “Alright then, square up little man. Let’s fight!” Kauras shook his head. “That sounds boring. I don’t want to squeeze you to death, but maybe we can test our strength another way.”
Stalo wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but he was down to clown. Whatever test Kauras came up with, Stalo would whoop his ass at. And then he’d eat him. The human boy thought for a moment. “Okay how about this: we see who can make the biggest hole in a fir tree with his head.” Stalo insisted on going first. He picked the nearest tree, got a running start, and smashed head-first into it. Pinecones rained down all around him, but once the stars cleared from his eyes, he saw that the tree had no hole in it.
Kauras snorted derisively. “Really, Father? Are you such a wimp that you can’t even headbutt the bark off? You want to give up?” Stalo roared in anger. “Hell no! One more time! Do over!” He sprinted towards the tree again and threw himself so heavily at it that it trembled like it was in a hurricane. A little bit of the bark came loose, but there was still no hole in it. The giant fell heavily to the earth and stayed there, having knocked himself out cold. As he lay there, bleeding heavily from the head, Kauras hurriedly stripped the bark off another tree and cut a hole in it with a tool he had hidden nearby before fishing. After making sure it was big enough to easily slip his head through, he placed the stripped bark back on the trunk covering the hole.
Eventually, Stalo came to in something of a daze. “You want to go again?” Stalo dabbed at the blood on his skull and decided he’d had enough. Besides, if he couldn’t headbutt a hole in the tree, then the puny human certainly couldn’t manage it. “No, I’m done. Your turn, punk.” Kauras just laughed. “Let me show you how it’s done, you scrawny weakling.” With another laugh, he leapt to his feet and charged at the presawn tree. His head went clean through the bark and into the tree up to his ears. And just like that, Stalo was afraid. He didn’t want to play anymore – he wanted to go home.
“Oh we can’t quit yet, Father Stalo. I won, so you owe me a prize.” “Fair enough, I guess you can fish here for free whenever you want.” Kauras shook his head. “Not good enough, Father. I want you to give back all the reindeer steaks and cheeses you’ve taken from the Lapps over the years. All the spring and autumn offerings.” Stalo squinted at him. “How am I supposed to do that, human? I ate all of that a long time ago.” “If you can’t give em back, you’ll just have to pay for them.” The giant patted his pants. “I didn’t bring my wallet. Don’t have any cash on me.” “Then I guess I’ll just have to come back to your house with you so you can fetch it.” “Are you brave enough to do what no other human has ever dared?” Kauras laughed. “What am I supposed to be afraid of? A scrawny weakling who can’t even headbutt a tree properly?”
Stalo didn’t have a reply for that, so the two of them headed for Stalo’s house. The giant’s wife brought out several heaping platefulls of fish and meat. Each held more than twice as much as he’d ever seen anyone eat in his life but the giant polished off a couple and then went to bed without making any move to pay out the money he owed. He probably had a concussion, so this wasn’t maybe the wisest move, but Stalo wasn’t the wisest giant. Besides, he and his wife had schemed a scheme to get out of paying the reward, but they all needed to be asleep to make it work. Kauras wasn’t oblivious to this fact but he pretended that he had nothing on his mind except a nice after-dinner snooze. Stalo’s wife showed the lad a guest bed for him to use.
Locking the door behind him, Kauras examined the room. It was very plain and clearly sized for a giant. It was also clearly where Stalo and his wife planned to murder him rather than paying back all of the cheeses and steaks. He grabbed a birch log, laid it in the bed, and covered it up with blankets to look like a sleeping person. That done, he scrambled under the bed to hide. This is playing out very much like ol Jack the Giant Killer in Episodes 117A-C, and it’s going to keep playing out that way. Sure enough, in the middle of the night, Stalo crept into the room. Moonlight glinted off the cruel ax in his hand as he raised it up and brought it whistling down on the bed. It split the log with a sickening crunch, convincing the giant that the murder had succeeded.
In the morning, Kauras slipped out of his hidey-hole and stretched, then sauntered out. Stalo’s eye widened at the unexpected sight. “How, uh… How’d you sleep?” Kauras grinned. “Not bad, but I think that bed might have fleas. I think I felt one bite me in the night.” The giant swallowed hard and exchanged glances with his wife. They’d hoped to avoid having to pay their debt by murdering the boy, but he was clearly a lot more dangerous than they’d expected. Without another word, he pulled out his wallet and began counting out silver coins into a bag for Kauras.
“You mind carrying my winnings out to the lake for me, Father? I’m still feeling a little sleepy. Besides, this way you can take away the table so that the Lapps never have to make any more offerings. Or I could just challenge you again, but you’ll have worse than an aching skull if we have to compete again.” Stalo was by now utterly convinced of Kauras’ incredible strength, so he didn’t dare rise to the bait. He promised to move away from Big Mountain and never return. He was as good as his word and no one ever heard another thing about Stalo or his wife ever again. Kauras for his part became rich and famous for his great feat of ridding the land of the terrible giant.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re headed down to the Philippines for some trickstery goodness. You’ll discover that you should never ask a king for a job, that the best princesses always live far away, and that human kings are the worst kings. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll discover that you should never trust a man who only values beauty. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.