Episode 119 – Love, Marriage, and Dragons

Episode 119 Show Notes

Source: Turkish Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’re headed to the wilds of the Ottoman Empire in modern Turkey for a royal rumble. You’ll find that you should listen to your elders, that some ancient places are basically video game levels, and that lions make good hiding places but not great hiding places. Then, in Gods and Monsters, an apple a day will get you kidnapped and beaten. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 119, “Love, Marriage, and Dragons”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This wonderful tale comes to us from the collection Turkish Fairy Tales and Folk Tales by Dr. Ignacz Kunos published in 1901. All of the stories were collected directly from the Turkish peasants themselves by the Hungarian linguist and folklorist while traveling through Anatolia. Once upon a time, there lived a Padishah (a title formerly used for rulers similar to the shahs of Iran or the sultans of Turkey) who had 40 sons, princes all. As folklore princes often do, the passel of boys spent their days in the forest hunting furry animals and snaring birds. It was a fine life for the idle rich but, when the youngest of the 40 boys turned 14, their father thought it was time they grew up and did something with their lives. For princes, ‘something’ meant getting married.
Finding brides for all 40 boys would be something of a challenge but they were princes, so it shouldn’t be too hard for the Padishah (or more likely, his advisors) to come up with plenty of eligible bachelorettes of suitable ages. Thus, he called all of his sons together to discuss the matter. The 40 boys called a quick sidebar to whisper amongst themselves. “Okay dad, we’ll all marry but only on one condition – we meet 40 young women who are all sisters. To be clear, we mean the same mother and father for all of them just so there’s no fairytale trickery.”
Some rulers would have put their foot down and insisted that the young men come to heel, possibly threatening some terrible punishment for disobedience. The Padishah was apparently something of a pushover so he tried to find these 40 eligible sisters all looking for a husband. He searched high and low throughout all of his lands, but the closest he could find was 39 sisters. Honestly, I’m impressed he found that many. 39 kids is an absolute shit ton. “Come on, work with me here boys! 39 of you can marry sisters and the youngest of you will just have to marry someone else. Please?” Alas, the boys formed a wall of adolescent solidarity, refusing to wed anyone unless they all wed sisters. I don’t know why they’re so hung up on this particular fetish but whatever. You do you.
“Sorry dad, it’s all or nothing. Since there aren’t 40 sisters for us to wed in your kingdom, how about you let us all travel abroad to see if we can’t find our own 40 sisters?” The Padishah tried to talk them out of this plan (which was pretty typical by fairytale standards) but they were dead set. Like I said, he’s kind of a pushover for an absolute ruler so he begrudgingly gave in. “Okay, fine, fucking whatever. You’re headstrong boys and clearly the servants didn’t do a great job of raising you. Alright, go and seek your brides in foreign lands but there are three things I need you to keep in mind. One: when you reach a large spring, do not spend a night anywhere near it. Two: beyond the spring is a han (buildings used as inns and trading posts); don’t spend the night there either. Three: beyond the han is a massive plain – you guessed it, don’t spend the night there. In fact, don’t linger there any longer than you absolutely have to.” I don’t know how he could possibly know what they’re going to find since they don’t seem to have settled on a direction but whatever. They promised to remember their father’s undoubtedly sage if cryptic advice, mounted up on their steeds, and rode out.
Smoking and talking, the 40 sons rode out in search of their brides. They enjoyed their first day of journeying as a grand adventure and, as night fell, they came to a great spring exactly as warned. “Okay, I know dad said not to sleep here but what does that old fart know? We’re exhausted and this spring looks like a great place to rest. Besides, there are 40 of us! Who would dare fuck with us? We’ve got nothing to fear, brothers.” They were all convinced (and privileged enough to feel invincible) so they made camp, cooked a nice dinner, and headed to bed. The youngest son, the 14 year old one, was forced to stand watch (because of course he was). With 40 of them, you’d think they could take shifts but why do that when you can make one person do all the work?
He was probably the most responsible of them all, so he stayed vigilant through the night. Around midnight, he heard a rustling from somewhere out in the darkness. Remembering his father’s warning, the 14 year old drew his sword and crouched cautiously as he watched for whatever it was. The sound approached closer and closer, growing louder and louder until, from out of the darkness, a seven-headed dragon suddenly charged. Roaring his own challenge, the youngest son charged right back, sword raised. Three times, the dragon attacked the youth and grappled with him, trying to pin and murder him but three times it failed. The 14 year old was apparently an absolute beast, single-handedly holding off a dragon.
Having repulsed the seven-headed dragon’s three charges, the young prince smiled, wiping a trickle of blood off his chin. “Alright you bastard – my turn.” Raising his sword again, the prince charged the dragon and, with a single mighty stroke, smote six of the seven heads. Writhing in agony from this terrible wound, the dragon snarled at the prince and gasped. “Finish it, you coward. Strike one last time.” The youth shook his head. “I will not. You are beaten. This fight is over.”
With one last gasp, the dragon sank down to the earth. As it died, one of the heads began to roll across the ground of its own accord. It rolled and rolled until it finally reached a well and perched at the edge. “Let he who has taken my life take also my treasure,” it intoned as it plunged into the well. Which is pretty decent of it, actually. Good sportsmanship. It could easily have pronounced a terrible curse on its slayer but game recognize game.
The prince thought about this strange pronouncement and did the only logical thing. He grabbed a rope, tied it off to a rock, and followed the head down the well. Someone understands video game rules. Shockingly, none of his 39 brothers woke up and investigated any of this incredibly loud commotion and the youngest prince didn’t bother to get any of them for help. I guess if you’re enough of a badass to solo a dragon, you don’t need backup. Hand over hand, he scampered down the rope into the dark depths of the well. At midnight, may I remind you.
At the bottom of the well, what do you think he found? Not a shallow pool of muddy water or, you know, his doom as he easily could have. No, instead he found an iron gate that opened easily under his hand. Passing through it, he found himself entering a magnificent palace the likes of which he had never seen. Even the glittering edifice his father, the Padishah, couldn’t come close to matching it. It was stunningly beautiful and he looked around in stunned admiration as he explored. He found 40 elegantly appointed apartments inside the palace and, inside each of them, he found a beautiful young maiden seated at an embroidery table. Beside each table was piled an immense pile of treasures (presumably the seven-headed dragon’s treasure that the severed head mentioned).
The young women were, quite understandably, terrified at the unexpected appearance of this strange young man inside their home. “Are you a man or a djinn?” asked the terror-stricken maidens. The prince gave his most charming smile (I don’t know if this conversation is happening to each maiden in turn or if they all gathered together somewhere – the story doesn’t explain). “Don’t worry, ladies – I’m entirely human. I was attacked by a seven-headed dragon up on the surface but I fought and won, killing the rampaging beast. One of his severed heads showed me the way to this place, so now I’m here. Hi. How’s things?”
At this incredible news, the maidens (who do seem to all be in the same place now) cried in happiness and relief. It turns out that they were 40 sisters who had been kidnapped by the dragon for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Their poor parents had been slaughtered during the kidnapping, leaving the poor sisters without a single friend or relation in the world. They clung to their rescuer and begged to remain with him – they had no one else, after all.
The young prince was understandably taken aback at this series of revelations. “No shit. It just so happens that I am one of 40 brothers. The others are asleep above, and all of us are looking for wives who are also all sisters. That’s some real synchronicity shit right there. Possibly even destiny. So listen, I’ve gotta climb back up to the surface. We’re on kind of a quest thing right now but, once that’s done, we’ll come back and rescue you. IN the meantime, with the dragon gone, you’re all much safer down here for now.” The maidens didn’t love being left behind but the young prince was persuasive and it wasn’t like they had much choice in the matter. He shimmied his way back up the rope, returned to the spring, and lay down. He was dead asleep as soon as his head hit the cloak he was using as a pillow.
Having had a full night’s sleep that wasn’t interrupted by guard duty or dragon combat, the other 39 brothers rose early. As far as they knew, nothing at all out of the ordinary had happened last night, so they laughed and joked about the cowardly father’s ridiculous warning. What kind of padishah is scared of a silly little spring? This commotion finally roused the youngest brother who, surprisingly, said nothing at all about the night’s adventure or the 40 eligible bachelorettes waiting beneath their feet right then. I’m not really sure why except that the narrative set up three locations that they are supposed to visit, and visit them we will.
Having thus resolved to move on (because 39 of the 40 didn’t know they’d already completed the quest they were supposedly out here for), they traveled on throughout the day. As evening approached, they came to the han their father had warned them about. Laughing that the spring had been a whole pile of nothing (only because the 14-year old had soloed a 7-headed dragon), they decided that they were tired and there was no reason to keep moving today. The elder princes announced that this was a perfect place to camp and would hear no argument about it. The youngest, being the only one with any relevant experience in the matter, tried to raise an objection. “Hey guys, maybe it’s just me but I think we should listen to dad. You see, after everyone went to sleep…” but the others had already tuned out and were making camp. With a long suffering sigh, the youngest joined in.
The princes cooked and feasted around a roaring campfire inside the abandoned han, said their nightly prayers, and then settled down to sleep. Everyone quickly dozed off except, of course, for our 14 year old hero who kept watch as before. At this point, I don’t know if he’s being bullied into keeping watch all alone or if his 39 older brothers just see no reason to set a watch at all and so, since he has the one brain cell between them, he resigns himself to keeping watch. Around midnight, the prince again heard a commotion approaching the camp. He’d expected this – his father’s warnings had proved deadly accurate last time, and he’d had no reason to doubt that the han was just as dangerous as the spring.
Drawing his sword, the prince crept forward to investigate. Out of the underbrush sprang another 7-headed dragon, this one larger than the one he’d bested the night before. This one didn’t hesitate – as soon as it saw the prince, it roared a challenge and charged. Despite being bigger and meaner, the dragon had no more luck getting through the prince’s well-trained defense than the previous dragon had. Exhausting itself, the dragon pulled back to reconsider his surprisingly capable foe and the prince smiled. “My turn, beast. Prepare yourself!” And the prince leapt towards the dragon, sword flashing in a dance of biting steel. In short order, six heads lay bleeding in the dust. The dragon and its one remaining head lay exhausted and defeated. “Finish it, you coward. Strike one last time.” Again, the prince refused the coup-de-grace.
At this refusal, one of the severed heads suddenly began to roll across the earth until it came to a well and disappeared over the edge. The prince wasn’t surprised by this strange happening the second time, so he promptly followed the head down into the well on his rope. As before, beyond a metal grate stood a magnificent palace, larger and grander than the one from the night before. No kidnapped maidens appeared to live within, but the halls were filled with heaps of dazzling treasure that put anything in the last palace to shame. Well hot damn – now the princes had brides and riches aplenty for all of them. This quest was going pretty damned well so far (and all thanks to the youngest prince, not that his elder brothers had any idea).
Tired, he took only a quick inventory of the place, noted the well it was in, and then went back to bed. He dropped into an exhausted slumber as soon as he was horizontal. Two nights of deadly combat in a row were beginning to take a toll on the young prince, even with the indefatigable strength of youth. He slept right through the commotion his brothers made as they woke and began breaking camp. They had to shake him awake in the morning so that he wouldn’t be left behind.
Mounting up again, the 40 princes rode on over hill and dale, laughing again about how cowardly their father was for being scared of a pond and an empty building. The youngest knew they were being assholes but was much too tired to correct them. It took most of his focus to stay upright in his saddle. He very much hoped that he’d be able to get some real sleep tonight, but he wasn’t optimistic. They came to a wide, sweeping plain towards the end of the day and, blithely, rode out across it. Sunset came soon thereafter and so, completely ignoring their father’s warning yet again, they made camp in the middle of the plain. They cooked another fine feast, said their prayers, and laid down to get some sleep.
The youngest was resigning himself to another all-nighter when a great shriek echoed across the plains, ringing off the distant hills loudly enough to make them shake. From deeper on the plain, another 7-headed dragon stalked towards the assembled princes, snarling and spitting fire. “Where’s the motherfucker who killed my two brothers? Which of you assholes was it? Tell me so I can murder him and get my vengeance!”
The elder brothers were all paralyzed with bone-deep terror. They had no idea what this awful dragon was roaring about but they were also pretty sure he wouldn’t accept ‘we don’t know’ as an answer. He’d murderize them all if they didn’t give him what he wanted. The youngest prince, on the other hand, was barely even surprised. The dragon was early, but otherwise totally within expectations at this point. He gathered his brothers together and gave them the cliff notes version of what had happened while they all slept. Handing them the keys to the two palaces hidden in the wells, he told them to gather the treasure and rescue the maidens. He’d ride after them once he’d dealt with the dragon. It was him the rampaging beast wanted anyway. The 39 brothers didn’t question their youngest’s orders. They promptly sprang onto their horses and rode away, leaving him all alone. I mean, it would have been nice if even one had tried to offer to stand and fight with him, but it seems like the youngest prince is the only decent one in the bunch.
This was the most difficult and deadly foe the prince had ever encountered and their mighty combat was one for the epics. They fought back and forth for long and long, but neither was able to find a vulnerability to overcome the other. At last, the 14 year old had found a 7-headed dragon he couldn’t solo (though he still fought it to a stalemate). The two foes realized at roughly the same time that neither could hope to win this fight. Rather than keep going at it stubbornly until they both died of exhaustion, the dragon withdrew and held up a claw. “You are stronger than I expected, human, so I will make you a bargain. If you go to the land of Chinimatchin and bring me the daughter of the Padishah who rules there, I will spare your life and forgive you for slaying my kin. Deal?” The prince wearily agreed, knowing full well that this was the best choice he was likely to get.
The dragon nodded. “Very well, then I suppose we are reluctant allies. My name is Champalak. Here, take this.” He handed the prince a bridle pulled from who knows where. “Every day, a magic horse called Ajgyr grazes here. Catch him and put that bridle over his head, then command him to carry you to the distant land of Chinimatchin.” The prince hadn’t really known how he was going to find this place he’d never heard of before, so the dragon’s advice was really quite helpful. Thanking the foe, the youth went out onto the plain in search of a good hiding place.
Then he waited. Hours passed but, at last, the young man saw a golden-hued steed galloping across the sky and come in for a landing on the plain. Sneaking up carefully, he tossed the bridle over the magic horse’s nose expecting it to bolt. Instead, as soon as the bridle was in place, the horse looked up at the young prince with a nicker. “I am yours to command, little Sultan. Where to?” “Take me to Chinimatchin.” “I can do that. Climb aboard and close your eyes.” The young man did, and felt the horse leap high into the air beneath his legs. Moments later, the horse told him to open his eyes again.
“Welcome to Chinimatchin, little Sultan.” They had made the journey in impossible time, even for a flying horse. He was glad he’d kept his eyes closed as the horse had instructed – no one should see the world moving that fast. Thanking his steed, he removed the bridle and headed toward the city that stood just down the road from him. He stopped at the first place he found, which happened to be an old woman’s hut, and asked her whether she might be able to find lodgings for him. Looking him up and down and noting his obviously fine clothes, the woman smiled. “Of course. Have a seat. Coffee?” Grateful to rest after his trio of battles, he sat by the fire and sipped his coffee and asked her about this strange country he found himself in.
“Things are…interesting. See, there’s this 7-headed dragon that’s fallen madly in love with our Sultan’s daughter. It’s becoming a real problem, and he just won’t take the hint that she’s not into him. There’s been a war raging for years because of it, but no one can get rid of that terrible monster.” “Wow, that is indeed interesting. And what about the Sultan’s daughter? Where is she in all of this?” “Oh, she lives in a little shed in the Padishah’s garden. It’s the only place she’s safe, so she dares not go even a single step beyond it. Not much of a life if you ask me.”
The prince was already working on a plan. The next day, he went out to the Padishah’s garden and asked the gardener if he could get a job as the assistant gardener. The guy didn’t really need an assistant, but the young man pleaded so earnestly and so eloquently that he finally broke down. “Fine, you can be the assistant to the gardener. Your only job is to water the flowers. That’s it.” That was perfect and the young man started immediately. He soon found the shed and made sure to water the flowers within view of it. The princess within couldn’t help but notice the young man, who was the first thing she’d seen in ages that was at all different from the view she had every damned day. She called him over to her window to question him about himself.
“I’ve never seen you before. You’re not from around here, are you? Who are you? How did you come to our land?” He gave her a very sanitized but not untrue version of the story, telling her that he was a prince in a distant land who had, through some shenanigans, fought with the mighty Champalak. “I couldn’t beat him so I took his bargain instead: he lets me live and I fetch, well, you. But don’t worry – now that I’ve met you, my love for you is much stronger than my fear of the dragon is. If you come with me, I think I can defeat the beast. I’ve been thinking about it and I have a plan to destroy him. What do you say, Princess?”
The young prince apparently believes in love at first sight (which makes sense given his tender age); the princess was apparently cut from the same cloth because she had already fallen in love with the prince in return. More than that, she was bored fucking stiff of living in a shed in the garden and longed for freedom. If this young man could give her that, she’d go anywhere with him. They began to plan and, one night, they made their escape from the garden in secret and headed for Champalak’s plain demesne. “Okay, so the stories say that dragons have a talisman that gives them their power. I’m going to pretend to hand you over to Champalak and you’re going to gain his trust enough to find out what the talisman is. If I can get that, I can destroy him.”
The princess was understandably nervous about this plan that required her to be captured by the monster they’d gone to war for years to avoid, but she trusted her prince and so she agreed. Champalak was overjoyed to see the prince returning so soon with his beloved princess in tow. “I knew you were the man for the job. Today is a great day, princess! What a joy that you have finally come!” He seized the princess gently in one claw and stroked her hair, which set her to weeping in fear and despair. The dragon didn’t seem terribly bothered by this reaction and just kept right on stroking her hair and cooing ‘what a joy you have finally come’ over and over.
Days went by, then weeks, and still the princess spent all of her time weeping piteously. Eventually, it even got through the stony heart of the 7-headed dragon. “Why do you weep so, my love? Aren’t you happy about finally being together? What can I do to make you stop crying?” The princess sniffled. “If you would tell me what your talisman is, maybe it would set my mind at ease and I wouldn’t be so worried all the time.” “Is that all? Don’t worry, my darling, it’s impossible to reach. I’ve hidden it in a distant country with a large palace. The place is a trap since anyone who goes in never gets out again.” That was apparently all the prince needed to hear. To me, that seems like not nearly enough information to go on but what do I know? I’m not a fairy tale prince. Also, apparently he was hiding somewhere during all of this without getting caught despite not being mentioned by the story.
The young prince snuck out of the dragon’s lair without getting caught and headed straight for the sea. Oh yeah, apparently there’s a sea on the edge of this boundless plain. The youth pulled that bridle back out of wherever he was keeping it and tossed it right into the sea. Despite that not being at all how Champalak explained the bridle working, the golden-hued flying horse appeared at this apparent summons. “Hey there, little Sultan. Where to?” “Take me to the palace of Champalak’s talisman.” Other than knowing it’s a palace, it seems like he could have done that at any point without needing to hide in any lair.
The prince hopped up on the horse’s back, closed his eyes, and then opened them again. “Welcome to the palace, little Sultan. A little advice: fasten my bridle to the iron rings at the palace’s gate. When I neigh once, knock the rings together and the gate will open. Oh, by the way, that gate is actually a lion’s jaw. That’s why no one comes back from it. If you cut it asunder with a single mighty blow of your sword, you’ll be safe. Otherwise, your toast, little Sultan. So don’t miss.”
The prince thanked the horse for this sage advice and headed up to the gate. Sure enough, huge iron rings were hung on the gate to open it and the bridle was tied off to it. Once everything was secure, the horse neighed and the prince knocked the rings together. I have no idea why any of this is part of opening the gate, but it is so here we are. The gate opened revealing the snarling, gaping maw of a massive lion. Prepared, the prince swung the sword he’d already bared and split the lion asunder with one great strike. His aim was true, and the lion dropped dead on the spot.
Everything else he’s encountered has been magical so the prince soldiered on ahead. Taking his bloody sword, he butchered the lion and opened up its stomach. Instead of half-digested meat, the prince found a cage containing three doves. Not just any doves, the ideal doves, beautiful and pristine. The kind of dove you think of when you think ‘dove’. That dove. The prince had never seen a bird as beautiful as these three doves inside the lion’s stomach. Enchanted, the prince reached into the cage and pulled out one of the lovely doves. He caressed its gorgeous plumage, petting it gently as it cooed. In an instant, it shook itself out of his grip and leapt into the air.
The prince reached for it but wasn’t nearly fast enough. The dove was soaring high out of reach and with it, any hope of saving his beloved princess (who he’d only just met). Something blurred behind the dove and, with a loud crack, its neck was snapped and it fell to the earth dead. The magical horse had apparently freed itself from the gate rings and leapt into the air after the dove. Somehow, it apparently wrung the bird’s neck but I personally think it makes more sense for it to kick the bird to death. However it happened, the dove was dead and the prince was on his guard.
Remounting the horse, they flew back to the dragon’s palace with the cage. At the gate, he killed the remaining two doves (which he probably could have done before without carting the whole thing by magic horseback but whatever). As the last neck snapped, the dragon dropped to the floor in a heap, gasping and obviously dying. The prince strode boldly in, dead dove in either hand. The dragon, in obvious agony, met the prince’s eye. “You have bested me, human. May I ask you for one last favor, a dying wish? Could I pet my beloved doves one last time?”
The prince was a tender-hearted lad and, moved to pity, he started to comply when the princess leapt between them. Seizing the doves, she threw them away out of reach of the dragon, who convulsed and died painfully. The horse walked in at this point and eyed the scene. “Smart move, princess. There was magic in those birds and their touch would have revitalized him. It would have been all over if you’d let him so much as touch them.” Perhaps the most inexplicable part of this whole thing is that the horse was apparently part of the dragon’s magic. With the dragon and the doves dead, there was no need for the bridle and so it vanished, followed moments later by the magical horse.
Alone now, the young happy couple looted the dragon’s palace of its treasure. With no magic conveyance, they had to carry it all to Chinimatchin themselves. Somehow, they managed. Back in the palace, the Padishah had become physically ill with worry about the sudden, unexplained disappearance of his daughter. He’d had his soldiers search the kingdom high and low but no one found any sign of her. Thus, he could only assume that she had fallen into the dragon’s power through some inexplicable means. I mean, he’s not exactly wrong, all things considered. He was overjoyed when the prince showed up in the city with his very alive and very free daughter and tales of a dead dragon.
The young prince regaled the Sultan with the epic tale of the dragon’s defeat. The father could see the love in the pair’s eyes and, after everything he’d heard, he felt confident that this was as good a match for his daughter as he could hope to find. The two were soon wed with a massive party throughout the city. After much revelry, the young married couple set out on their honeymoon and, after that, they went to visit her new husband’s family with a retinue of soldiers.
The Padishah was shocked to see his youngest son show up, not only alive but with a new bride and even more treasure. Everyone had assumed he’d died long ago (none of his 39 brothers thought he could possibly have survived his encounter with the 7-headed dragon). Indeed, if he hadn’t known the details of the two secret palaces in the wells that he had found after slaying two other 7-headed dragons, they would have thought him an imposter. With the youngest now returned to the land of the living, the 39 princes married 39 of the sisters from the dragon’s palace while the 40th married the princess’ brother. So basically, they did exactly what the Padishah suggested at the very beginning of this story and the brothers refused to even consider. Despite this hypocrisy, the 41 couples all, despite the odds, lived happily ever after. And so, with wedded bliss achieved all around, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s mysterious figure is the wizard dervish.
This story also comes from Turkish Fairy Tales and Folk Tales by Dr. Ignacz Kunos and also centers around a Padishah. Unlike our previous ruler who had dozens of sons, this Padishah had none. He was walking around the city with his lala one day (an old Persian title meaning tutor or statesman in the Ottoman empire) when they came to a well. It was hot and they had been walking for some time, so they stopped at the well to drink. Out of the crowd burst a dervish (a member of a Sufi tariqa, a Muslim mystic fraternity). “All hail the Padishah!” This being before tv and the internet, most people in the city had never seen the Padishah before and he was certain he’d never met this dervish before. “You see keenly to recognize me in the crowd. Can you also see keenly enough to tell me the cause of my sorrow?”
This was probably an easier question. It wasn’t exactly unknown that the ruler had no heir. The dervish smiled and pulled an apple from his coat. “Of course, my liege. Your sorrow is that you have no son but fear not. Take this apple; eat half yourself and give the other half to your wife. You’ll have your son in no time and he shall be yours for his first 20 years but, after that, he’ll belong to me.” So this is some kind of Rumplestiltzkin situation. The Padishah had already taken the apple before the dervish finished speaking but at these ominous words, he looked up. The dervish was gone, either vanished or melted back into the crowd.
He considered the dervish’s message the whole walk back and eventually decided to chance it. It probably wouldn’t work anyway and, even if it did, the dervish probably wouldn’t be able to collect. Thus, he cut the apple in half and shared it with his wife as the dervish had instructed. Sure enough, the Padishah’s wife became pregnant almost immediately, convincing those in the know that the dervish must also be a wizard. When the little prince was born, the entire kingdom celebrated his birth.
The child’s first years flew by. At 5, a tutor was appointed to teach him reading and writing, as was appropriate for his station. At 13, he began to journey out from the palace on his own, walking through the city and eventually heading out beyond the walls to hunt. As his twentieth birthday neared, the Padishah thought it was time for his son to take a wife. The prince was hot and eligible, so it wasn’t hard to find a suitable bride and the couple was soon engaged.
Everyone had forgotten all about the wizard dervish over the last two decades, but he hadn’t forgotten them. On the very day of the son’s wedding, even as all of the guests were assembled and waiting for the ceremony to begin, the dervish appeared out of thin air (proving that it had, in fact, been magic). He seized the groom-to-be and vanished again. The pair reappeared at the foot of a mountain the prince had never seen before. Saying only ‘remain in peace,’ the dervish went away again. Looking around with growing alarm, he saw nothing around but three white doves flying towards the river that he now realized he was standing beside.
He watched the birds soar towards him and land not far off. Behold, as they did so they transformed into three gorgeous maidens and waded into the water to bathe. None of them noticed the prince. Two pronounced themselves clean, resumed their bird forms, and winged away but the third turned and saw the prince standing around awkwardly. She was understandably surprised to see the prince in a place that was usually empty of people. “How did you get there?” “Uh, hi. Sorry, I just kind of got dropped here. A dervish carried me away and left me here.” “That explains a lot, actually. You see, that dervish is my dad. Be warned: when he returns, he’s going to grab you by your hair, hang you from a tree, and flog you with a whip. ‘Dost thou know?’ he will ask you, and you must answer him ‘I know not.’” With that advice given, she offered no explanation but turned back into a bird and flew away.
It wasn’t long before the prince saw the dervish approaching and, alas, he did indeed have a whip in one hand. As warned, the wizard hung the youth from a tree by his hair and began to whip the shit out of him and demanding ‘Dost thou know?’ Trusting the dove lady, he insisted that he didn’t know – which wasn’t hard since he really, really didn’t. He had no fucking idea what was going on here. For three days in a row, the dervish repeated this horrifying performance, leaving the poor prince bruised and bloodied and in terrible agony. At the end of it though, the dervish was satisfied that his captive was ignorant of anything important and set him free of this torment.
The prince was still a prisoner, but his cage was now barren emptiness and a complete lack of supplies or directions to escape. He’d die of exposure if he tried to flee and he knew it. He was now free to wander as he wished and so, one day, the dove maiden found him while he was walking alone as was his habit. She handed him a different bird, not a magical dove woman, which is a bit weird. “Take this and hide it. My father’s going to come to you soon and ask you which of the maidens you desire. When he does, pick me. If you can’t recognize me though, then bring out this bird and say you desire the maiden the bird flies to.”
I’m going to hope that they’ve had some other conversations off-screen but, given that it’s a fairy tale, it’s entirely possible that this is only their second conversation ever. Regardless, the dervish came to see the prince the next day and he didn’t come alone. Three maidens accompanied him (and I have to assume they’re the same three bird women as before). It doesn’t say whether he knew which one was her (I don’t know how alike these women looked) but he decided not to take chances. If you have a bird plan, you use the bird plan. As promised, the bird darted straight to the maiden he’d spoken to. They were immediately wed (the prince’s previous almost-marriage and presumably current betrothal notwithstanding). They had her father’s blessing (obviously), but not her mother’s who, apparently, was a witch because of course she was.
Not long after the wedding, they were out walking together when they spied the witch mother heading their way. The dove lady apparently didn’t get on great with her mother so she tapped on her new husband and poof – he was a garden. She then tapped herself and poof – she was a gardener. She busied herself with gardening to complete her disguise as the witch came up to her. “Excuse me, gardener. Huh, I never noticed a garden here before. Despite knowing for a fact that magic is real, I’ll accept everything at face value. Did you happen to see a youth and a maiden pass this way?”
The ‘gardener’ didn’t look up from her work. “My red turnips aren’t ripe yet. They’re still too small.” The witch shot the gardener a confused and annoyed look. “I didn’t ask about your damned turnips, I asked about a youth and a maiden. Did you see them?” “The spinach hasn’t sprouted yet. It probably won’t be ready for another few months.” The witch sighed. “Fuck this shit. You clearly don’t understand me or aren’t listening, so fuck this and fuck you.” She stalked off in search of the missing pair. When she was out of sight, the maiden turned herself and her husband back into their rightful forms.
They continued on their walk, feeling safe. Unfortunately, the witch either saw or heard something and turned around. Spying the pair, she hurried to catch up to them. Well shit. Acting fast, the maiden turned her husband into an oven and herself into a baker. “Ho there, baker. Weird, I don’t remember an outdoor bakery being here before but I’m not going to question your unorthodox methods. And where did that garden go? Anyway, have you seen a youth and a maiden come this way?” “The bread isn’t baked yet. I just put it in, so it needs more time. Come back in half an hour and you can have some.” “Fuck, not this bullshit again. I didn’t ask you for bread, I asked if you’d seen a youth and a maiden!” “Just give it time. We can eat when the bread is ready but not before.” This was going as poorly as it had with the gardener, so the witch gave up and stormed off. When the coast was clear again, the maiden turned them back into themselves and they hurried on their way.
Once again, the witch somehow sensed their flight, turned to see them, and pursued. By now, she figured out that the mysterious baker was her magic-wielding daughter and wasn’t about to be fooled by the same trick again. Well, not for a third time anyway. The maiden decided to change things up and turned her husband into a pond and herself into a duck. The witch didn’t see any suspicious person this time and figured her daughter must have conjured a pond to slow her mother down. She searched along the banks but could find no way across. Frustrated, she gave up and went home.The danger at last passed, the duck and the pond turned back into people and continued on their journey.
After much traveling, they came to the city where the prince had been born and found an inn to stay in. Being on familiar territory again, the prince took the lead. “Wait here. I’ll go fetch us a carriage to take me to my father’s palace. We can be safe there.” Almost as soon as he had reached the road, the dervish found him and seized him. They vanished into the air and reappeared in the Padishah’s palace. The place was still set for the wedding and, indeed, all of the guests were still assembled. “Okay, what the hell? Did I fall asleep? Was all that weirdness a dream?” He rubbed his eyes, but everything looked as it had.
Meanwhile, back at the inn (because this was absolutely not a dream), the young wife waited for her husband until it was clear he wasn’t coming back. “That faithless asshole has abandoned me here to rot!” Giving it all up as a mistake, she turned into her dove form and took wing. He’d told her that he was heading to his dad’s palace, but apparently he’d gone without her so that’s where she flew. Sure enough, she found her two-timing husband in the palace in the middle of a feast with another woman! “You faithless piece of shit! How dare you abandon me at some inn after taking me away from my home so you can party without me. I’m out of here.” So saying, she flew back to the inn. She’d sleep there tonight (the room was already paid for), and fly home tomorrow.
The prince realized at last that this had not been a dream (though I have no idea what the dervish’s deal is – he seems to just be doing shit with no plan). He grabbed that carriage he’d originally set out for and raced for the inn, hoping she would be there. He explained the whole thing to his beloved and convinced her to come with him in the coach back to the palace. The first bride, having been left at the altar for a second time, decided she was done waiting for an eccentric and obviously flaky groom. Besides, she knew he just wasn’t that into her, so she went home and got on with her life. The wedding feast went ahead as planned, only the bride was now the dervish’s daughter for a second, more official wedding. The celebration lasted 40 days and 40 nights and they presumably lived happily ever after.
And that’s it. That’s the whole story. I can’t see much of a lesson here, but maybe you can see something I missed. The dervish is a total wild card, sewing chaos that is never, ever explained. What did he think the boy knew? No idea. And not knowing is the other half of the battle I guess?
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re headed to Japan for the original James and the Giant Peach. You’ll learn that nursery rhymes have mystic power, that monkeys and dogs hate each other, and that you can buy a lot with tasty rice cakes. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s an oily baby spirit. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.