Episode 117C – Fee Fi Fo Fum – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 117C Show Notes

Source: English Folklore

This week on MYTH, it’s the thrilling conclusion of the epic tale of Jack the Giant Killer. You’ll see that all giants use clubs, that you should always pay attention to your feet, and that giants and evil magicians have a lot in common. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a more different Jack will set out in search of his fortune without any real plan. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 117C, “Fee Fi Fo Fum”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we last left our hero, the Jack the Giant Killer, he was racking up quite the body count of giants (and one Devil). He cut a bloody swath of tiny vengeance across England and Wales, meeting up and becoming friends with a nameless son of the famous King Arthur known only as Prince. The well-intentioned and very privileged rich boy proved to be terrible with money, needing Jack’s help to bail him out of bankruptcy and set him up with a nice possessed lady (with the help of several magical artifacts looted from a giant). His feats and friendship earned him the eternal gratitude of Prince along with a knighthood and a spot at the Round Table of Camelot.
This was all very cool and worthy of legendary tales but it wasn’t nearly enough for Jack. He had a strong case of wanderlust and he was soon on the road again in search of new adventures. Being a folklore hero, it didn’t take him long at all to find them. Soon enough, he came upon yet another giant seated on a huge block of timber at the gaping maw of a deep, dark cave. We’ve met a few giants so far in our stories, but this dude was truly a giant among giants. He had enormous bug-eyes that flashed like burning coals and skin that had clearly never seen sunscreen or moisturizer. His cheeks are described as looking like slabs of bacon covered in bristly stubble as rough and rigid as steel wool. His gross, greasy, knotted hair fell in matted locks to his shoulder with curls that looked like a knotted mess of hissing serpents.
As with many giants, his weapon of choice was a club on the same massive scale as he was. It was an enormous bar of solid, knotted iron that most other giants might struggle to lift, but he carried in one enormous mitt. His rough, heavy breathing roared across the hills so loudly that you could hear him from a full mile away. Even for someone as bold and powerful as the Tarnished in Elden Ring (yes, I’ve been spending a lot of time playing that recently, why do you ask?), a leviathan as enormous and terrifying as this giant would be cause for concern. Not for Jack though. Bold as brass, he hopped off his horse and pulled his cloak of darkness out of his pack (one of those ludicrously powerful magic MacGuffins he got last episode).
Safely shrouded in invisibility, he snuck up to the giant and whispered in his ear. I’m not at all clear how exactly he reached the giant’s ear and the story doesn’t explain. Maybe there was a convenient hill above the cave, maybe he climbed a nearby tree. However he managed it, the giant heard him clearly. “Hey there buddy. That you? I’m gonna seize you by your ugly-ass beard soon.” The giant squinted, peering around for his unseen and unexpected tormenter, but unsurprisingly his burning-coal eyes couldn’t pierce the magic of the cloak of darkness.
Stifling a chuckle, Jack drew his magically sharp but rusty-looking sword (another magic thingy) and swung for the giant’s neck. It should be pretty tough to miss a target that fucking big but, if you’ve ever played a tabletop role playing game, you know that it’s always possible to fail a roll. It wasn’t a critical fail at least – Jack still caught the giant, but it was only a glancing blow. Instead of beheading him with one stroke, Jack snicker-snacked his nose clean off his face. The cut was clean, but it still left a bloody ruined mess behind and, of course, the giant roared in agony and fury.
He might have no idea where the blow came from, but clearly someone was here and doing some damage. Enraged but confused, the giant decided to just smash everything and sort it out later. That’s easier said than done however, and Jack was especially hard to hit in his magical cloak of darkness. He dodged every blow with ease and utilized a classic video game strategy – he dodge rolled around behind the giant boss and stabbed him in the back. With his magically sharp sword, he killed the giant stone dead with a single blow.
He had missed the coup-de-grace but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still get the decapitation. His magic sword went snicker-snack again and the severed head was loaded up on a wagon to be carted back to King Arthur in Camelot. As a trophy, I guess. That done, he headed into that dark, dank cave I mentioned to search for the obligatory treasure. Unsurprisingly, the cave turned out to be an entire dungeon with many winding twists and turns. It eventually let out in an enormous domed chamber that had been roofed with dressed stone instead of raw cave. At the far end stood a truly immense fireplace with an equally enormous black cauldron, larger than anything Jack had ever seen before.
Something in the metal pot was boiling, giving off a deliciously savory steam that made his stomach growl. Along the right hand side stood a long table sized for the hall and set with platters and mugs. This was clearly a spot for multiple giants to gather together and dine. But on what? Going deeper into the caves, he soon found the answer. Jack stumbled across a relatively small window barred with thick iron, which held a mass of miserable captives. “Oh shit young man, are you being locked up with us?”
Jack looked at them with that confused puppy dog head tilt. “I guess that depends: why are you all locked up? What’d you do?” “We didn’t do shit! Those awful giants kidnapped us and threw us in here. They keep us well-fed, but like the way you keep a lamb well-fed to make veal. Whenever the giants gather for a feast, they pick the fattest and juiciest looking ones and cook us for dinner.” That’s more or less what Jack expected to hear but it’s always wise to double-check that you’re not about to release a bunch of cannibal serial killers or some shit. Using the keys he’d spotted in the main hall, Jack freed the captives. He’d already noted the treasure rooms filled with silver and gold, and he divided it up amongst the freed captives as recompense for their suffering. Once everyone was ready, he led them to a nearby castle and paid for a great feast for everyone to celebrate their freedom.
The raucous party was in full swing with many toasts made to Jack’s bravery and prowess when someone burst into the grand hall. It was a messenger looking for Jack – how he knew to look here is anyone’s guess. Maybe someone noticed the head being carted back to Camelot. His message was a dire warning: Thunderdell, a massive giant with two heads, was on his way here. Word had reached him far up in the northern dell that his relative (the other two-headed giant we met previously) had been killed by some upstart asshole named Jack. He had immediately set out looking for said Jack with vengeance in his heart and was even now only a few miles away.
The party dissolved into screaming chaos at this news with the former captives joining the river of terrified peasants fleeing the giant with their flocks and herds. In no time at all, Jack was left in an almost-empty castle with just a handful of dedicated guardsmen. I get the urge to run but the castle was actually pretty well-suited to withstand an attack from an army or a rampaging giant. The castle and its walled gardens stood on a small island surrounded by a moat twenty feet wide and thirty feet deep. To make this even more impressive, the moat’s sides were incredibly steep and difficult to climb out of. As is typical, this moat was crossed by your stereotypical drawbridge.
Jack surveyed the scene quickly and came to a strategic decision. He ordered the few brave guards to saw the edges off the drawbridge leaving only a single surviving plank of wood down the center. It would be a hair-raising experience for a person to cross, but very doable. Once that was done, Jack ordered everyone else to hole up inside while he slipped across the bridge in his cloak of shadows. Magic sword in hand, he glided silently out to meet the oncoming giant.
As we’ve seen before, the giant’s eyes were not able to pierce the magic of the cloak but he was more savvy than a lot of his brethren. Like many of his kind, he had a very keen sense of smell. Sniffing deeply, Thunderdell realized he was not alone and cried out towards his unseen foe. “Fee, fi, fo, fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!” It’s a famous phrase that starts out silly and gets super intimidating. 8-year-old me thought that was terrifying, but Jack wasn’t even phased.
“Is that so? Wow you are truly a monstrous miller. And I bet your bread tastes shitty.” This insult stung, but the giant didn’t let it get under his thick giant skin. His plan was to keep Jack talking until he could spot the little fucker and make good on his threat. “You’re every bit as mouthy as they said, puny human. Did you really slaughter many of my friends and family?” “You know it, bitch.” “Then I’m gonna murder the shit out of you. I’ll rip you to ragged shreds with my teeth, drink your insolent blood, and grind up your bones to dust.”
Jack just laughed. “Those are some big words, but they don’t mean shit unless you catch me first. Come and get me!” He put on his magical slippers of speed and pulled off his cloak with a magnificent flourish. Laughing tauntingly, Jack dodged and weaved just out of the giant’s reach. The giant roared in frustrated rage as the magically sped-up human bounced around like a rubber ball too fast for him to catch but always tantalizingly close. The very earth shook under his thunderous footfalls as he plodded after Jack like a moving mountain.
From up in the safety of the castle, the guards watched with gleeful delight at the spectacle, cackling and cheering at every near miss and dextrous escape. Jack kept a careful eye on his pursuer, watching as he got angrier and more reckless. When he judged that the giant was seeing enough red to keep him from seeing anything else, he smiled. Perfect. Still ducking and bobbing, Jack dashed for the drawbridge. Dancing nimbly across the single plank, he stood at the closed castle gates and made obscene gestures at the oncoming giant to egg him on.
The giant obliged. Seeing that his tormentor was trapped against the stout wooden doors, he lumbered to a full run across the drawbridge. The single plank was of course not nearly strong enough to support his mountainous bulk and he broke it clean in half. He stumbled as his feet gave way and he plunged headfirst into the moat, splashing desperately and wallowing in the water like a beached whale. He lunged for the edge over and over, but the edge was so sheer and steep that he couldn’t find purchase. Jack laughed from up above, taunting his fallen foe. Above, the guards roared appreciatively at the show. After a few minutes of this, Jack calmed down enough to go fetch a pair of ropes. Lassoing the two heads expertly, he tied the ropes to a team of horses to drag the giants up onto shore just long enough to lop off each head with his magic sword. And that was that for Thunderdell.
This was another rousing success and the townspeople hosted Jack for some time, partying and feasting at this new giant’s death and the freeing of the captured people. He had a great time, but his restlessness kept growing. When his wanderlust finally overpowered him, he bid farewell to his hosts and set out on the open road once more. It was time for some new adventures.
He journeyed far and wide, past hill and dale, over the river and through the woods until, at last, he came to a lonesome house built at the foot of a towering mountain. The sun was setting as Jack rode up. There was nowhere else to go unless he fancied sleeping outdoors (and he very much didn’t). He knocked politely on the door, which was soon opened by an old man with snowy white hair. Jack bowed to the old man. “Good evening, Father. Any chance you have a spare room for a lonely traveler?” “Of course lad, of course. Come in and rest your bones. Welcome to my humble cottage.”
Smiling in thanks, Jack followed him inside. The old man prepared a humble but tasty meal for the two of them and they chatted amiably as they ate. Leaning back to stretch and rub his full belly, Jack’s belt buckle flashed in the light. “So you’re the famous Giant Killer! Tales of your derring do have reached even my ears way out here. You are truly a great conqueror of evils, my son. I have need of your help, if you’re willing. Up on that high hill above my home lies an enchanted castle inhabited by a giant named Galligantua. With the help of a powerful and evil magician, he tricks scores of beautiful women and valiant knights inside where they are transformed into all sorts of birds and beasts. The unlucky ones turn into bugs or even fish. Poor bastards. Once animorphed, they are trapped in cages and forced to live pitiful lives of idle confinement.
“I grieve for all of these poor souls of course, but especially for the duke’s daughter who was kidnapped from her father’s garden. In a blazing chariot drawn by fire-breathing dragons, they dragged her away from her home and into the castle. She was transformed like the others but into the shape of a magnificent white hind (a type of deer). For her sake, many of the knights have journeyed forth, trying to rescue her and break the spell. All have failed and all have died for their troubles. You see, the entrance is guarded by two terrible griffins who slaughter all that dare that dread portal.”
Jack agreed to take on the old man’s giant. He had himself a handy dandy cloak of shadows, which had proved itself many times over by now. There was no sense in taking chances though, so he pulled out his hat of knowledge and popped it on. In moments, he knew everything he needed to and had his plan all worked out. Having so many powerful magical artifacts makes this whole thing almost not fair. Satisfied, he headed to bed to get some rest.
Jack awoke at dawn, stretched, and headed out. He looked at the tall, tall mountain and decided to cheat a little. The invisibility cloak went around his shoulders and the slippers of speed went on his feet. In the twinkling of an eye, he stood at the top. As the old man had said, a castle stood there with huge imposing gates flanked by a pair of terrible griffins. The story says they had forked tails and forked tongues, which does not meet my usual image for a griffin but whatever. It’s kind of irrelevant because, cloaked in magical darkness, the two dread guardians couldn’t see Jack approach and let him pass undevoured.
Inside the gates, he found a golden trumpet tied by a silver chain hanging from the wall. Beneath it were instructions engraved in red lettering: “Whoever shall this trumpet blow will cause the giant’s overthrow. The black enchantment he will break and gladness out of sadness make.” This could easily have been a trap except that Jack’s magic knowledge cap had told him ahead of time what to expect. Without hesitation, he snatched up the trumpet, put it to his lips, and blew. It was basically the giant red self-destruct button, which makes you wonder why do we even have that button?
As the liquid notes sounded from the silver trumpet, the very castle trembled on its vast foundation. At the resounding blast of his rousing martial tune, the cruel giant and the wicked magician bit their thumbs and tore out their hair in fear and horror that their reign of terror was over. The warlock cowered but the giant decided to go down swinging. He snatched up the weapon that all of our giants have used so far – an enormous club – and rushed towards the source of the powerful music. He swung wildly at where he thought Jack probably was based on the sound but, since the lad was invisible, he misjudged and swung wide. Jack dodged easily (especially with his magic shoes) and pulled out his deadly sword. With a single swipe, the giant’s head was severed from his body and bounced to the flagstones.
Having felled one foe, Jack turned to face the magician, but the coward had already fled by summoning a magical whirlwind. He was swept away on the swirling wind and was never seen again, which is a wildly anticlimactic end. Like, why even have the magician? Sure, he did some magical transformations I guess, but the giant could have had another magical doodad to accomplish that without changing anything. But hey, sometimes these stories don’t make the most narrative sense. On the plus side, the magician’s flight also ended his many sorceries. All of the lovely ladies and brave knights who had been transformed regained their human forms. The ones who had been devoured by the griffins were shit outta luck, but you can’t have everything.
The white hind turned back into the duke’s daughter and even in this room full of beautiful people, she was by far the most beautiful of them all. Indeed, she may have been the most beautiful woman the sun’s rays had ever shone upon (take that Helen of Troy). With the end of the magic, the castle itself also vanished into rolling smoke that blew away on the wind. I guess it was made of magic instead of stone. Apparently, that was also the very last giant – or maybe the wizard’s spell was somehow responsible for every giant? I’m not sure, but however it worked, the giants were gone from the land forever thereafter. Jack the Giant Killer had officially killed all the giants. No word on what became of the three-headed giant Jack left alive last episode.
His mission complete, Jack took the severed head of Galligantua (remember him?) and brought it back to King Arthur in Camelot. All of the lords and ladies that had been freed from the spell came with him to be presented to court. Having done this, Jack realized he had nothing else to do, no more adventures to go on. In recognition for his many heroic deeds, Arthur gave the duke’s daughter to Jack in marriage. Not sure why he had authority to do that other than being king I guess, but there you are. She was apparently on board and so the two were wed and the entire kingdom rejoiced with Jack, whose fame had spread far and wide. They were granted a magnificent estate as well for them to live in, where they and their eventual children lived in happiness and comfort to the end of their days. And thus ends the saga of Jack. And so, with all the giants dead and Jack living out his happily ever after, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s hero is yet another iteration of our old pal Jack.
This story is told in a lot of places, but I’m using the one published by Flora Annie Steel in English Fairytales from 1922. Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a boy who was, of course, named Jack. He was, as he usually is, quite a poor boy and so he decided one day to go out in search of his fortune. It’s a pretty nebulous goal but Jack was young enough not to be deterred by that. He didn’t need a plan, just gumption.
He hadn’t gone very far along the road when he met a little cat. “Morning, Jack. Where ya headed?” Not at all surprised to meet a talking cat (this is a fairytale after all), Jack replied “Hello there, kitty. I’m off to seek my fortune.” The cat gave Jack a mysterious, considering look. “I seem to be heading the same way. Perhaps we should journey together.” It wasn’t exactly a request but it was as close as a cat was willing to offer and Jack took it in stride. “Sounds great, kitty – the more the merrier.” And so on they went together, Jack and the cat. Jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt. And no, I have no idea what that nonsense means but it’s always part of the tale.
A little farther along the road, the pair met a little dog. With a big doggie grin, he sat down and wagged his tail at the travelers. “Hey there, Jack. Where you headed this fine morning?” I guess all of the animals know Jack. “I’m off to seek my fortune, little pupper.” “Fortune sounds awesome! Mind if I tag along?” Jack smiled back. “Sure thing, doggo – the more the merrier.” And so the duo became a trio and continued on their way. Jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt.
As they traveled a little farther along the road, they came across a little goat. You probably already know where this is going. “Hey Jack and company. Where are you all headed on this bright morning?” “I’m off to seek my fortune.” “Hmm, fortune could mean something tasty. Mind if I accompany you on your trek?” “Of course, billy goat – The more the merrier.” And so Jack and his three companions moved on down the road. Jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty jolt. Next up was a massive bull with long, sharp horns. “Hullo, Jack. What’s the word?” “I’m off to seek my fortune, bull.” “I could use some exercise. Mind if I trot alongside you?” “Of course, mighty bull – the more the merrier.” Jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt.
This little posse went farther on down the road and soon encountered a bantam rooster. It strutted across the road (as chickens are known to do) and stared up imperiously at the group. “And where might you be going, Jack?” “Hullo, rooster. I’m off to seek my fortune along with all my new friends.” “Hmm. Acceptable. I will journey with you.” “Of course – the more the merrier.” And finally, our party is complete. Jiggley-jolt, jiggelty-jolt, jiggelty-jolt.
This now rather large menagerie jiggelty-jolted down the road (and yes, the story uses that as a verb for unspecified reasons) until the day was gone and night was approaching. They started looking around for somewhere to spend the night. They came upon a little house all by itself, which seemed like the only viable option. Jack told his companions to wait there – quietly – while he scouted ahead. He snuck up through the trees to the window and peeked inside to see if it was safe.
As it turned out, it was very much NOT safe. Sitting inside the house was a band of thieves and highwaymen counting out great bags of gold. They were clearly dividing their ill-gotten booty. Jack’s eyes widened and practically flashed dollar signs.Or maybe pound signs – this is England, after all. He’d set out in search of his fortune and here was a very convenient fortune indeed. “That gold shall be mine. Oh yes, it SHALL be mine.” He snuck carefully back to his companions and reported on what he had found. “Okay, it’s showtime. When I give the word, all of you make as much noise as you can in whatever way you prefer. I’ll handle the rest.”
They gathered around the thieve’s den and, at Jack’s signal, they all raised a terrible ruckus. The cat meowed and screeched, the dog barked and howled, the goat screamed and bleated, the bull mooed and bellowed, and the rooster squawked and crowed. The robbers, who had thought they were all alone out here in the middle of nowhere, jumped up in fright at the unexpected cacophany. They ran out into the night, leaving the bags of gold unattended on the table. It’s a shit ton of money to leave behind, but gold is very, very heavy and so it’s not really something you can haul while fleeing for your life.
The party went into the house, laughing and celebrating their victory. The hideout and the gold were theirs. Of course, Jack was (as usual) a clever boy and so he knew that the robbers were down but not out. Being criminals, they would of course come back in the dead of night for their gold. And vengeance. Going full Kevin from Home Alone, Jack orchestrated a series of animal-based booby traps. When it was time to actually go to bed, he placed the cat in the rocking chair, the dog under the table, the goat at the top of the stairs, the bull in the cellar, and the rooster up on the roof. With everyone in place, Jack went to bed.
As predicted, the thieves snuck back to their hideout when the night was darkest. Being cautious, they sent one of their number in to scout things out and find the missing money. Before long, he came running back in terror. “I went into the house and tried to sit in the rocking chair – don’t ask why that was part of looking for our gold, it just was – and when I did, some old lady stuck a pair of knitting needles in my ass! I didn’t even see her, but I sure as shit felt her.” Of course, that was no old lady, it was the cat. Even if it had been, that doesn’t seem nearly threatening enough to drive off a hardened murderous highwayman but whatever.
“I jumped up out of that chair and rushed over to the table where we left the money.” That part at least makes sense. “As I approached, this fucking cobbler stuck his awl (a shoemaking tool) into my leg!” It’s a really specific assumption to make, but maybe he expected some shoe-making elves like in another fairytale. Of course, you and I know that it was the dog and not a cobbler at all. “I raced upstairs to see if the gold had been moved but this small, angry man was waiting for me and beat the shit out of me. He smashed me in the gut with a flail and knocked me down the stairs.” That was the goat, and I can at least see how he got this one wrong.
“I gave up on the upstairs and fled to the cellar instead. But wouldn’t you know it, another dude was waiting for me there. This was a big motherfucker with an ax and he sliced my arm to ribbons and knocked me on my ass.” This was the bull and yeah, he was definitely in mortal peril from a beast that big. “I could have fought him off I think, really given him a thrashing, but there was one more jerk up on the roof who kept screaming ‘Cook-him-in-a-stew! Cook-him-in-a-stew!’ I’m about to fuck with no cannibals, so I had to get the hell out of there before they straight up murdered and ate me.” That last was of course the rooster crowing ‘cock-a-doodle-doo’.
After hearing this story and seeing the very real and very serious wounds on their buddy, the robbers decided to abandon the gold. They could always steal more but only if they didn’t get butchered and served in a cannibal stew tonight. Jack and his buddies slept the night through and awoke well rested and very rich. He headed back home with his many bags of gold – with plenty of help from his animal companions. The kitty cat carried a sack of gold from his tail (since cats apparently always walk with their tails stiff, despite the cats I’ve known very much not doing that). The dog hung more from his collar (which tracks). The goat and the bull carried most of the gold on their horns (even though loading up their backs would make more sense). The rooster only carried a single gold piece in his beak to shut him the hell up and keep him from constantly crowing ‘Cook-him-in-a-stew! Cook-him-in-a-stew!’
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Well folks, DragonCon is once more upon us and I’m going to be back again this year for my annual Mythology in Popular Culture panel to discuss a classic tale: The Little Mermaid. I’ll also be doing a variety of other panels, including a discussion on the Hadestown musical and some drunken Shakespearean Shennaingans. I’ll put the full schedule of events on the website and the socials, so come by and say hi. I’ll have stickers as usual and a new edition this year: badge ribbons! See you there!
Next time, strange creatures lurk in the dark places of the earth beneath Zimbabwe. You’ll discover that tears have magic powers, that clothes maketh the bride, and that animals riding animals isn’t always cute. Then, in Gods and Monsters, sometimes children are born made of wax, which comes with some pros and some very big cons. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.