Episode 117B – The Prince is a Pauper – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 117B Show Notes

Source: English Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’re headed back to merry old England for the further adventures of Jack the Giant Slayer. You’ll discover that it takes less than you think to become a knight in Camelot, that royalty aren’t great with money, and that the Devil has some weird hobbies. Then, in Gods and Monsters, Jack – maybe the same Jack, maybe not – will head to a real mill in Yorkshire. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 117B, “The Prince is a Pauper”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left our hero, the eponymous Jack, he had begun to make something of a name for himself by, naturally, killing a fuck ton of giants. He’d earned himself a sweet belt buckle for killing his first giant then made his way to Wales, encountering and killing two more giants on the way. Apparently, Arthurian England is just lousy with giants. The whole King Arthur thing hasn’t come up yet, but it’s about to in a big way.
As every story of King Arthur shows, the knights of the Round Table were riding across the land doing brave deeds, as were a lot of other less famous knights. One of these less well-known figures was none other than King Arthur’s very own son, who the story doesn’t bother to actually name instead referring to him only as Prince (though he doesn’t show up in every version of the story). If you want to imagine him as a purple-clad sexy singer, I won’t stop you. In the Welsh tradition, Arthur had three sons who all died without children of their own: Amr, Gwydre, and Llacheu (and I am absolutely certain I butchered all of those). Any of these could be the Prince of this tale, but I’ll stick to calling him simply Prince.
Seeing all of these brave errant knights running around, Prince begged his father to give him a whole bunch of money to journey off to Wales where a beautiful maiden was being held captive by seven evil spirits because…reasons. Don’t worry about it. King Arthur didn’t particularly want to send his son wandering off to somewhere as remote as Wales with nothing but a sword and a lot of gold, but Prince refused to relent. Eventually, he rode out with two horses, one for riding and one for carrying his chests full of gold pieces. He traveled for many days until he came to a market town just over the Welsh border.
As he rode up, there was a great commotion consuming the town. Prince found a random NPC and asked what was happening. It turned out that there was something of a legal kerfuffle because of an odd interpretation of an old statute. The corpse of a very generous and well-loved man had been arrested on its way to the grave because the man had owed a shitload of money to his lenders before he died. I’m not entirely sure what arresting the dead is supposed to accomplish except advancing the plot.
The Prince frowned thoughtfully. “That’s a cruel law and I don’t like it. Tell you what: go and bury the dead in peace and send his creditors to me. I’ll pay his debts so that everyone can be happy.” Everyone was satisfied with this solution and soon enough, the money-lenders came to see Prince at the inn where he was staying. Now the problem was that, being born into wealth and power, Prince had never had to worry about finances. He hadn’t bothered to check just how much the corpse owed and, by the time everyone was paid off, he had only a farthing and twopence left to his name. His grand quest was over before it had really begun.
I mentioned that Jack was also journeying to Wales though his reasons are ill-defined at best. You had to know that I didn’t start talking about Prince for no reason, so of course Jack wandered into this particular Welsh town not long after Prince became poor. He heard about the helpful young man’s plight and decided to meet him. Prince was even kinder and more generous than Jack had expected from the stories and promptly announced that he would be Prince’s servant for the next little while to pay him back for his generous soul. Prince realized that Jack had something he needed, so he was more than happy to accept Jack into his service. They stayed the night at the inn, and Prince paid his last farthing to settle his bill and they headed out of town. As they did though, an old woman chased after them. “Prince, a moment I beg you! Is there no justice for the poor as well as the rich? The dead man has owed me twopence for the last seven years, and now I’ll never get it unless you help me. Will you pay me the money as you promised?” Sighing but moved, Prince reached into his pocket and pulled out his last twopence and handed it over. The pair was now truly and utterly broke.
Prince was, naturally enough, utterly despondent and uncertain about how to move forward but Jack, who had been poor most of his young life, was used to this. “Jack, what are we supposed to do now? Without money, how can we find a place to stay tonight?” Jack laughed. “Don’t worry, richie rich – you’re with Jack now, and Jack always finds a way. See, I’ve been talking to the locals while you were stuck handing out all that gold and I heard that there’s a giant just two or three miles up the road. The rumors say he’s truly enormous, has three hideous heads, and can fight 400 armored warriors all by himself and not just win but toss them around like dandelions on the wind. He’s a real fucking monster.”
Prince gave Jack an understandably confused look. “I mean, that’s cool and all but how exactly does that help us afford a room? Won’t he just rip us to pieces and then eat the bloody bits?” Jack just laughed even harder. “Not a chance. They don’t call me Jack the Giant Slayer for nothing. I’ll head down first and get everything ready for you. The rumors say he’s deadly but they also say that all three heads are as hard and empty as rock. I can use that.”
Prince wasn’t sure what to make of this odd bravado but Jack was utterly confident, so he made camp outside the Welsh village and let Jack go on ahead. Getting his horse into a gallop, the young giant killer raced down the road to where the townfolk had said the giant’s castle lay. It didn’t take long at all for the gigantic building to rise above the horizon until it towered over the neighboring hills. Wasting no time, he rode right up to the gate and, bold as brass, knocked on the main gate. Apparently, Jack knocked so loudly that it echoed across the nearby hills but it doesn’t explain exactly how. Maybe he used a stick? I dunno. It’s not important, but it still bothers me.
This made such a racket that the three-headed giant was roused from whatever giant activities he was up to inside. His voice roared like thunder. “Who dares knock on my door?” Jack puffed out his chest – there was no one there to see him, sure, but it was more about attitude than anything else. “It’s me – your poor cousin Jack. How’s tricks?” The giant wasn’t entirely sure that he had a cousin Jack, but the voice outside was super confident so he must have just forgotten about his friendly relative. “Cousin Jack, of course! It’s so nice of you to visit. What news, Cousin Jack?” His confusion was evident in his voice, so Jack hurried to confuse him further. “Oh, terrible news cousin. Just awful.”
“Oh no, bad news is the worst news!” Jack’s words were beginning to inspire fear in the giant, though he still wasn’t really sure what was going on. “How bad can it really be though? I mean, have you seen me recently? I’m huge and I have three fucking heads. Plus I can take on 500 armed knights all by myself, smash them into squashed smudges of shattered steel and broken bone. What news could possibly be bad enough to bother me?” “Only 500, cousin? I was afraid of that. See, everyone is talking about how the son of the famous King Arthur himself has come to Wales with 1000 men and is riding this way even now to kill you!”
“Oh shit, how did they know that my one weakness was a lot of people with weapons? This is bad, this is very, very bad. What am I going to do, Cousin Jack? You need to help me!” “That’s why I’m here, coz! Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. Here’s what you do – you go and hide in your vault. It’s super strong and secure, right? You head in, and I’ll come behind you and lock you in then bar the door. I’ll take the key and hide it from the Prince until he gives up and goes away. Your castle is super big and strong, and your vault walls are so thick that even someone as powerful as you couldn’t possibly break it. You’ll be safe from the Prince and his 1000 men.”
The giant was now frightened enough that he didn’t even try to think through the finer points of the plan. Not that he would have seen the flaw, even if he’d tried. Panting in fear, the giant rushed down to the underground vault and shut the door behind him. Jack stayed out of sight until he was sure the giant was hidden inside, then rushed down to the vault, took the key the giant had left on a convenient key ring, and locked the multiple stout locks in the thick door. Then he threw the bolts and dropped the heavy bar as extra insurance against anyone getting in. Or, more accurately, out.
With the giant safely locked away, Jack fetched the Prince and brought him to the castle. King Arthur’s son had a good hearty laugh at Jack’s story of trickery and the cowering, shivering giant locked deep beneath their feet. They raided the giant’s well-stocked larder to cook themselves a delicious and utterly free meal out of what the giant had meant to eat for dinner himself. Deep underground, the giant’s three heads tried to breathe as quietly as they could to avoid drawing the attention of the presumably 1000 men currently making merry in his castle. He couldn’t hear that many people, but the vault was very thick, so maybe that was it.
Having feasted like kings (which Prince basically was), they slept well in the giant’s enormous and very comfy bed. In the morning, Jack woke Prince (who wasn’t as used to early mornings, being rich). The young slayer had already plundered the castle and handed Prince enough gold and silver to replenish his empty chests. His second horse loaded up, Jack told him to ride three miles farther on his way and then wait for Jack to catch up. When he was pretty sure that the royal and his rich people odor was far enough away that the giant’s sensitive nose wouldn’t pick him up, he headed down to the vault.
The giant stumbled out as Jack unlocked it, bedraggled and miserable and half dead with hunger, cold, and damp. As awful as his condition was, he was also utterly grateful to Jack for ‘saving’ him from King Arthur’s son. “It was awful, cousin! I was so sure those awful knights would find me but you were as good as your word. How can I repay you? Seriously, name anything at all and it’s yours.” Ol Jack was your classic trickster hero and he had kept his eyes open while wandering the giant’s castle. He’d seen something that seemed out of place and his instincts were whispering to him. “It was nothing, good cousin. You’re very welcome. If you insist on rewarding me, then all I would ask are the old cap, threadbare coat, rusty sword, and thin slippers sitting beside your bed.”
The giant sighed and shook his heads. “That’s…actually a whole lot. You couldn’t possibly know it, but those are actually my most precious possessions but I promised you anything you wanted, so they’re yours. See, the coat will actually make you invisible, the cap will tell you anything you want to know, the sword will cut anything you strike in half, and the slippers will carry you wherever you want to go in the twinkling of an eye. They’re very powerful magical items. And they’re yours now.” Internally, Jack was overjoyed at this success but suppressed his enormous smile and pretended to be surprised. He hadn’t known exactly what they did and now, thanks to the giant, he did.
Taking his prizes, Jack left the castle behind and met up with Prince at the designated spot down the road – leaving the giant verymuch alive. Together, they headed for the castle where the beautiful lady that Prince had come to Wales to rescue lived. Now I say rescue, but that’s not entirely accurate. She wasn’t being held captive by the seven spirits, she was literally possessed by them. Even so, when she heard that Prince, the son of King Arthur himself, was interested in her as a suitor, she decided to woo him right back. She met the pair with a large, gracious smile and a sumptuous banquet. The woman seated herself on the Prince’s right hand and made sure to keep his plate piled high and his wine glass full all night.
When dinner was over, the woman wiped Prince’s lips with her own personal handkerchief with a mysterious smile. “My lord, I am so glad you’ve come. I have a favor to ask – perhaps a task would be a better word for it. Tomorrow morning, you must show me that handkerchief again or lose your head.” With a flourish, she tucked it between her tits and stood. “Good night, sweet Prince.” And she swept out of the room. The Prince was horrified by this turn of events. I don’t know exactly what he thought rescuing a damsel in distress would entail, but it seems like he didn’t expect much danger. Despairing, he went to bed certain he would be dead by morning.
Jack however had a plan. And several magical MacGuffins. Once Prince was asleep (or at least tossing and turning in bed), he plopped the old cap on his head and thought about their predicament. In moments, he knew everything he needed to about the woman, the spirits, and the castle. He waited until the dead of night when the woman called upon one of her familiar spirits to call the Devil himself for a visit and a favor. I guess she was less ‘possessed’ and more ‘complicit’. Jack was waiting for her and, with his coat of invisibility and slippers of swiftness, he vanished from sight and appeared in the room where the two were meeting. Despite being the Prince of Evil, Lucifer had no idea Jack was there because magic.
The woman plucked the handkerchief out of her bosom and handed it to the Devil, asking him to keep it secret, keep it safe. Again, for the literal incarnation of Hell, the Devil wasn’t very clever or imaginative, so he hid the handkerchief on a high shelf. Seriously. That was the best idea he could come up with. Jack was easily able to snatch it away and then disappear back to his own room without anyone noticing. Waking the Prince quietly, Jack handed over the handkerchief with a smile. Thus, when the woman came in expecting to see the Prince deflated and defeated, he instead greeted her with an insolent smile and a theatrical bow, fluttering the handkerchief as he did.
She was terribly disappointed at first, but as the day wore on, she pulled herself together. As evening drew near, the woman ordered another even more elaborate banquet laid for her guests slash victims. When it was ready, she kissed Prince full on the lips, lingering near his face. “You did splendidly, my love, but I have another task for you. Show me tomorrow morning the last lips I kiss tonight or else lose your head.” It seemed an easy request but you and I both know that it’s anything but. Unfortunately, the Prince was utterly smitten. “If you kiss no lips but mine, my love, I will.” This lovely lady might be possessed by seven devils but she wasn’t unaffected by the Prince’s extremely handsome royal face. She couldn’t help but blush at his intimate proximity and bedroom eyes. “That’s neither here nor there, my love. The terms are as I have stated. You must show me tomorrow or death is the price.”
Smitten but also depressed, the Prince went to bed worried that tonight would be his undoing. Once again, it was Jack to the rescue thanks to his magical cap of knowledge. It again told him everything he needed to know to save his friend the Prince. When the lady again called upon one of her spirits to call Lucifer to come see her, Jack was there before her in his coat of invisibility. The Devil wasn’t happy that the Prince was still alive (since he obviously hated King Arthur and everything he stood for). “You have already betrayed me once by losing that handkerchief.” Which was clearly the Devil’s fault for hiding it on a fucking shelf, but whatever. “This time, I will give you something that no one can possibly steal and thus seal the Prince’s doom, son of a king or no.”
Having no real option, she sighed and kissed the demon right on his scaly, hideous lips and returned to her own room. As soon as she was out the door, Jack drew his rusty sword and snicker-snack he sliced off the Devil’s head. Which begs the question of whether this was really the Devil or just some lesser demon – or if maybe the Devil is dead now and has been for centuries. Whatever it was, Jack took the bloody severed head, hid it under his coat, and returned to the Prince’s room.
When the morning came, the gorgeous lady returned to her suitor with a malicious sparkle in her eyes and a cold smile on her lips and asked to see the last lips she had kissed. Meeting her smile with his own triumphant one, Prince lifted the severed head by its twisted goat horns. The woman’s eyes flew wide with shock and she shrieked seven times with seven unholy voices as the devils were exorcized from here, the curse broken. She stood there, once more revealed in her grace, beauty, and goodness. She and the Prince were married the very next day, then returned to Camelot and King Arthur with Jack in tow. In honor of his exploits and bravery, he was knighted and made one of the vaunted Knights of the Round Table. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
And as much as that feels like an ending, it isn’t. Being knighted in Camelot by the legendary king isn’t enough for a trickster as bold as Jack – he’s still got a few adventures left in him, but we’ll have to wait until next time for the exciting conclusion. For now, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is the blinded giant.
As I mentioned last episode, Jack is an English archetype hero who is used as a placeholder in a lot of different stories. It’s not entirely accurate to say that all of these stories are about the same person, but it’s not exactly wrong either. Jack is always a very similar guy who gets up to very similar shenanigans, so it’s entirely possible that the same Jack who was knighted in the main story is the same Jack who once visited Dalton Mill – or at least the place that would one day become Dalton Mill. The story was recorded by William Henderson in 1866 in his book Notes on the Folk-Lore of the Northern Counties of England and the Borders, which is a real mouthful of a title. As is true of many of these stories (including Jack-o-Legs from last episode), the story centers around a real physical feature of a real place. In this case, the spot in question is a long, unusual mound set in front of the old mill (which was demolished and rebuilt sometime between 1860 and 1866).
This large mound was named the ‘giant’s grave’, and you can already guess where this is going. In the mill itself, they had a long blade of iron, as large and sharp as a scythe but without that tool’s trademark curve. It was probably just a scythe blade that hadn’t been curved for some reason, but the locals all swore it was in fact a giant’s knife. See, the mill used to belong to a giant, who used it to grind up men’s bones to make his bread (which is a traditional giant delicacy). Oh, and this giant only had one great eye, so maybe he was more of a cyclops, but the story insists on using the term ‘giant’ to fit with the whole Jack motif.
One day, long ago, this giant had captured a young man in the nearby area of Pilmoor who somehow talked his captor into taking him back to the mill alive. If he wasn’t going to be an ingredient for bone bread, the young man needed to do something to earn his keep, so the giant set him to work as his servant, which he did for many years. His name, as I already mentioned, was of course Jack. Servant wasn’t entirely accurate – slave was much more the term for it. Jack was worked to the bone and never allowed a holiday or weekend off. It was exhausting, and eventually Jack was fed up with it.
The Topcliffe village fair was coming up and Jack had begged his giant captor to allow him to have just one day off to visit the fair. Shouldn’t a young man have one day to himself to flirt with the young ladies and maybe buy some nice spices for the giant’s meals? Bone bread was all well and good, but you had to eat more than just that (even if they were British with their famously terrible food). Unsurprisingly, the giant refused to let his slave go have a little vacation at the fair. Also unsurprisingly, Jack refused to take no for an answer and resolved to get to that fair no matter what it took. Spoiler alert, it’s gonna take trickery.
This particular day happened to be very, very hot and so after dinner, the giant decided to take a little nappy nap. He lay down in the mill with his head on a sack stuffed with grain and ground human bone and was soon fast asleep. The remains of his meal were scattered around him because, being an evil giant, he was also a huge slob. A half-eaten loaf of bone bread lay on one side and his giant-sized knife was clutched in one hairy hand that slowly relaxed as he snoozed. Jack watched the giant begin to snore from the shadows. Eyeing the knife, he stepped stealthily over. The giant didn’t even stir as Jack slipped the knife out of his hand.
Taking the massive knife in both of his small hands, Jack crept over to the sleeping giant’s head and stabbed his one great eye with all the force and hate he could muster. He’s definitely channeling our old buddy Odysseus from the Iliad and the Odyssey. This of course woke the sleeping giant – I mean, he had a fucking knife in his goddamned eye after all – but he was now totally blinded. Howling with agony, he stumbled over to the door and filled the opening with his own enormous form, knowing the mill well enough to do so even without sight and drowned in a red haze of pain.
Jack realized he was in trouble. He was the only one in the mill and, like Polyphemus the Cyclops from the Odyssey, his foe was waiting by the only exit hoping to catch his tormenter. Looking around the mill, Jack had a clever idea. And no, it isn’t hiding under a sheep but it’s not entirely dissimilar. This giant didn’t have any sheep in his mill, but he did have a beloved dog that was much bigger than Jack. This particular pupper was apparently a deep sleeper and somehow hadn’t woken up during all the commotion. And yeah, this is about to get really horrible. Jack snuck up on the sleeping dog, slit its throat in one quick strike, and then skinned it. Throwing the bloody dog skin over his own shoulders, Jack ran towards the door on all fours barking in his best imitation of the dead dog. Thus was he able to slip through the giant’s legs and escape. The story doesn’t say what happened to the giant but he has a grave outside the mill and his knife is still inside, so I have to imagine he died there in the mill. Decide for yourself if he died from infection, starvation, or dehydration. Unpleasant any way you slice it, so chalk another kill up to Jack the Giant Slayer.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, Jack will reach a bloody end to his giant-killing spree. You’ll learn that giants have a keen sense of smell, that severed heads make great gifts for royalty, and that beautiful ladies make equally beautiful deer. Then, in Gods and Monsters, another multiverse alternate Jack will summon his inner Kevin McCallister to foil some evil robbers. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.