Episode 111 – East o’ the Sun, West o’ the Moon

Episode 111 Show Notes

Source: Norwegian Fairy Tale

This week on MYTH, we’re having a new variation on an old familiar story. You’ll discover that selling children can be profitable, that strange old women can definitely be trusted, and that trolls can’t clean. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the selfish king and the powerful women who left a permanent mark on the oceans of the world. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 111, “East o’ the Sun, West o’ the Moon”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
We’re a little past Valentine’s at this point, but I’m still feeling the love. This week’s story is a traditional fairy tale, though the version I’m using was originally collected by Peter Christen Asbjornsen and Jorgen Moe, translated by George Webb Dasent in 1859 (as collected in Norse Fairy and Folk Tales, edited by James Shepherd). It’s a variation on a story type we’ve seen several times already from several different cultures though with some uniquely Nordic elements.
Once, long long ago, there lived a poor peasant with his family. He wasn’t a terribly forward thinking man and he enjoyed fucking way way too much, so he ended up with a whole mess of children. Being, you know, a peasant, he didn’t have nearly enough food or clothing to go around, but they did their best with what they had. Neither the peasant nor his wife was super great with the thinky-thinky, but they were very pretty and they passed their good looks down to their children. All of their kids grew up to be very attractive but all agreed that the youngest daughter was the prettiest of them all.
On a Thursday evening late in the fall (which is an oddly specific detail), the peasant family was hiding out in their cabin from the elements. The weather outside was wild and awful, a storm raging in the twilight. Wind rattled the window panes and rain beat mercilessly on the roofs, shaking the cottage with the fury of the storm. Inside the cabin however, things were fairly cozy. A bright, warm fire blazed in the hearth as the various family members busied themselves with whatever they felt like. It was honestly kind of nice.
The spell shattered as something gave three distinct taps at the window. The man and the woman looked at each other. Who the fuck would be outside in this weather? That had clearly been a deliberate tapping and not some random storm noise, so there was nothing for it but to go and see what was up. Steeling himself for the wall of water, the peasant man opened the door and went outside.
Looking around, he saw the source of the window tapping – an enormous white bear. The bear met his gaze and nodded politely. “Good evening to you, human.” Given that this is a fairy tale, maybe magic talking animals were fairly common. It would certainly go a long way towards explaining the peasant man’s blase response. He’s either in shock or utterly unsurprised by this encounter. “And good evening to you, bear. What brings you out on such a night?” The bear paused for a second, considering. “Would you be willing to give me your youngest daughter? If you will, I can make you as rich as you are now poor.”
That…was one hell of an offer. As noted, the peasant man was very, very poor. If the bear was true to its word (and who would doubt the honor of a magic talking bear), then that would make the man very, very rich. It would be awfully nice to be able to actually take care of everyone for once and to be able to take it easy. Shockingly for a fairy tale dad, this dude wasn’t a total douche and so he told the bear that he would have to talk it over with his daughter. He wouldn’t give her to a bear, magic or otherwise, without her input. “Wait here, bear. I need to talk to my daughter about this.”
Dripping wet, the man went inside to talk to his youngest daughter (whose age is not even a little bit specified, which I find…concerning). “Hey youngest daughter. So here’s the thing. There’s a magic talking bear outside and it wants to take you away. In return, it will use its magic to make your family extremely rich, allowing me to care for your mother and your siblings the way I haven’t been able to. What do you think? You interested?” The girl didn’t even have to consider. “Fuck no!” The man was disappointed by her response, but not surprised. He headed back outside. “She…wasn’t super stoked about the idea. Tell you what, bear – come back next Thursday evening and try again. I’ll talk to my daughter between now and then. Maybe I can convince her.” Nodding, the bear wandered off.
True to his word, the man spent the next week expounding on how much better everyone’s lives would be if the youngest daughter agreed to go with the bear. The man was careful to explain that the daughter would also be very well taken care of and not, you know, eaten. It’s not clear whether the bear actually promised this off-camera or if the man was just making optimistic promises. He was very convincing (or, perhaps more likely, the youngest daughter realized that he and probably everyone else would blame her forever after for their shitty lives if she didn’t agree to the deal). By the end of the next week, she had decided to go with the white bear. Figuring she might as well make the best out of a weird situation, she washed herself and mended her rags as best she could with her meager supplies.
Thursday evening came around again, and so did the bear. The girl had dressed as nicely as she could manage and packed the few things she could call her own (which all fit in a small bundle), so she was waiting and ready. Now that she’d gotten used to the idea of leaving her family behind, she found she was actually looking forward to this adventure. Things could hardly get much worse than they were at home already, and at least no one would resent her once she left. The bear lowered himself down to the ground and the youngest daughter climbed up onto its shaggy back. Waving goodbye, they rode off into the forest.
After they had traveled a good ways from the cabin (farther than the girl had ever been before), the bear looked up over its shoulder at the small passenger. “Are you afraid?” She shook her head. Surprisingly, she really wasn’t. Nodding contentedly, the bear continued on its way. “That’s good to hear. Just hold on tight to my shaggy fur and there’s nothing to be afraid of.” They journeyed on a long, long way until at last they came to a towering cliff. The girl wondered if they had reached journey’s end or if they were going to have to make the difficult, terrifying climb up the sheer cliff face. As it turned out, the answer was neither. Instead, the bear walked up to the cliff and knocked on it. A door opened in the unbroken rock, leading them into the grand hall of a spectacular castle.
The girl craned her neck to take in all the incredible sights. Well this was certainly a nice change from a crowded hovel. Exquisitely decorated rooms stretched as far as she could see, each lit with cheerful light and glimmering with silver and gold. The bear led her to a dining room with a massive table in the center set for dinner. The bear handed the girl a small silver bell (which looked positively tiny in its massive claws). “If you need anything at all, simply ring the bell and you will have it at once.” This is giving some serious Beauty and the Beast slash Psyche and Eros vibes, right?
Magic bells were all well and good, but food was by far her bigger concern right now. She sat down at the table and tucked in. The food was exquisite, far, far finer than anything she had ever eaten before. By the time she was done eating, it was well into the evening. The combination of food and her long journey had left her exhausted and she wanted nothing so much as a comfy bed. She picked up the bell. Might as well give this thing a whirl. Hesitantly, unsure what would happen, she rang it.
Before the silvery tinkling had died away, the girl found herself in an elegantly appointed bedroom. The enormous bed was bigger than any bed back home and far, far softer. The downy mattress in the four-poster bed was decked in silken pillows and curtains with gold fringe. Everything was finely made, richly decorated, and made from either silver or gold. This castle had a definite vibe. She put out the lights and climbed into the enormous bed. Once the lights were all out, she heard footsteps enter the room – human ones, not bear ones. It was the magic bear, who had taken off his pelt to reveal the human form beneath. He walked over to the bed, which creaked as he lay down beside her.
And that was it. He fell almost instantly asleep. The girl was surprised to find that she felt comfortable and safe, despite the odd situation. The bear could have done whatever it wanted at any point during this whole journey, so what else was there to be afraid of? She drifted off to sleep beside the man. She woke as the light broke through the window and looked over towards her sleeping companion, but the bed was empty. He had already risen before the dawn and left.
For a time, the two were happy. Much like Belle and Psyche before her, this young maiden spent her days all alone in an opulent palace. Coming as she did from a large family crowded into a very small, very cramped space, she enjoyed being on her own at first. She had the run of the place and the freedom to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. What’s more, her little silver bell could give her anything she desired. In time though, she began to feel bored and lonely. The white bear rose before the dawn each morning and vanished all day, returning only after all the lights were out. As the loneliness grew, so did her homesickness. She began to miss her mother and brothers and sisters and even the father who had all but sold her.
One night, as she lay there in the darkness next to her mystery man slash magic bear, he noticed her melancholy. “What troubles you?” She sighed. “I dunno. The castle is great and everything is lovely but…I get lonely all by myself. I miss my family. I wish I could see them. You know, visit for a while. Not being able to talk to anyone is making me sad.” “Well that’s fixed easily enough. There’s no reason you can’t go home for a visit, but I need you to promise me one thing: you can’t let your mother get you alone for a conversation. You can talk to her with other people around all you want, but I know she’ll want to take you by the hand and lead you somewhere private for a chat. You must not do that under any circumstances, or it will end very badly for both of us.”
The maiden readily agreed to these very easy terms and so, the following Sunday, off they went to see her mother and father. As before, she rode on the white bear’s back the whole long journey. They traveled far before finally stopping in front of a huge, grand house. Her brothers and sisters were running around playing on the lawn, so this was clearly the right place. It was strange to see everyone so happy, so clean, and so well-fed, but like the good kind of strange. Everything was so pretty and nice. It made her feel very happy.
The bear stopped short of the house and allowed his passenger to hop down. “This is where your family lives now. Don’t forget what you promised, or you’ll make us both terribly unhappy. Have fun!” Promising again that she wouldn’t forget, the girl ran happily towards her family. Her parents were shocked and thrilled to see her burst in the front door. There were joyous hugs all around and lots of catching up. No one could thank their youngest daughter enough for all she had done for their family. Since she had made her deal with the bear, their lives had been everything they could possibly have asked for, and it was all thanks to her. Once they had caught her up on all that had happened, her parents were dying to hear about her life with the magic bear.
“Oh, it’s been great. I live in a huge castle with a magic bell that summons…makes…fetches? I’m not really sure how it works exactly, but if I ring it, whatever I want appears. That’s it, really. It’s honestly not as exciting as it sounds.” It wasn’t the most satisfying story, but the young daughter deftly turned the conversation back to the antics of her siblings and no one thought much about it. At least, until after dinner. Once everyone had eaten, things went down exactly as the white bear had warned her. The mother took her daughter by the hand and wanted to have a private discussion in her bedroom. True to her promise to the bear, the young girl found a polite way to refuse the offer that was really more of a demand.
“We can talk about things whenever we want. Come on, I want to visit with everyone. I’ve only just got home!” Alas, her mother was very used to getting her own way and, like many mothers, could sense that her daughter was hiding something. She persisted and, eventually, she managed to pull her daughter into a bedroom and pry the whole story out of her. Sighing, the daughter told her about the man who came into her room after it was dark and lay down beside her. She told of how he always left before first light and was gone all day. She told how she was often terribly lonely, spending all day alone and finding herself wishing she could see her magic bear mystery man.
Her mother was understandably distraught by the strange tale. “Oh dear, that’s…not great. How do you know you’re not sleeping next to an actual fucking troll? You have to be careful. You never know what could happen with a stranger. What you need to do is get a little peek. Here’s what you do – I’ll give you a candle stub. Stick it down your cleavage and take it with you. Once he comes in and falls asleep, light that sucker and take a look. Make sure not to drip any candle wax on him though.” Yeah, you can already see where we’re headed here. Yup, the young girl felt a little freaked out by her mother’s reaction and did as she was bid.
As evening fell, the white bear showed up again to carry her home. As she rode on his shaggy back, she could feel the candle stub nestled against her chest. She was deeply conflicted during the whole ride. It didn’t help that, after they had left the grand house far behind, the bear looked up at her over its shoulder. “How was your visit? Everything go the way you hoped? You didn’t let your mother corner you and give you bad advice, did you? Listening to her will bring bad luck on both our heads and be our ruin. No pressure!” She said nothing, slumping down against the shaggy pelt. Exhaustion and concern warred in her brain.
She had come to no decision as she lay down that night and put out all the lights. Uncertain, she kept the candle stub on her just in case. Once darkness fell, she heard the familiar footsteps and felt the familiar presence beside her. Sleep eluded her, even as she heard the strange man’s breathing even out into the steady rhythm of sleep. Once he was fast asleep, her hand crept up to the candle stub her mother had given her and she couldn’t help it – curiosity overtook her. She got up, carefully lit the candle, and brought the small pool of light over to the bed to reveal her secret companion.
As you almost certainly expected, the candle’s light revealed the most handsome prince she had ever seen, ever imagined might exist even. She knew he was also her gruff white bear and she was already very fond of him. Seeing his incredibly beautiful face, she fell deeply in love with her bear prince. Heart pounding with her first real love, she felt that she might just die right there on the spot if she didn’t kiss him right that fucking second. So she did.
It was hard to be careful while also kissing a sleeping person passionately without waking them, and the girl didn’t manage it. As she kissed him, three drops of scalding hot tallow dripped onto his shirt and burnt his chest. Naturally, he woke up at this…sexual indiscretion. His eyes found hers and his expression fell into despair. “What have you done? You have ruined us! If we could have held out in this strange situation for one single year, I would have been free! My wicked stepmother has bewitched me, making me a white bear by day and a human man by night. You have broken your vow and with it, broken all ties between us. I have no choice – I must leave you now and go to her. She lives in a castle east of the sun and west of the moon. There, I must marry the princess she has chosen for me who has a nose three yards long.” I don’t love that particular detail (which feels a touch anti semitic) but we’ll just roll on past it.
She cried and clung to him, begging her prince not to leave, but there was nothing to be done. He was under a curse and he had no choice – he had to go. “Can I at least come with you, my great bear?” He shook his head mournfully. He must make this depressing journey alone. “There must be something we can do. At least tell me how to get there so I can look for you. How do I find this castle? Surely you can at least tell me that.” He considered. “I already told you the only way to find it, but it won’t be enough for you to follow – the castle is east of the sun and west of the moon. I am sorry that it had to end like this. Thank you for trying.”
Heartbroken but with no idea what to do next, she tried to find some way out of the mess she’d made but with no luck, eventually drifting into an exhausted slumber. When she woke in the morning, the castle was gone, and so was the prince. She found herself lying in a little clearing in the midst of a deep, dark forest all alone and completely naked. Beside her, she saw the worn bundle of rags she’d worn here that first night. With no other options, she crawled back into them and then sat down to have herself a good cry. When she’d wrung her eyes dry at last, she stood up, scrubbed her cheeks, and set out in a basically random direction.
She walked and walked and walked, many days passing without her seeing another soul. At last, she came to a high cliff that towered above her. Seated at the base, idly tossing a golden apple, was an old crone. This was the first person the girl had so much as seen in days, so she walked up to her. “Excuse me. I’m looking for a prince. He lives with his stepmother in a castle that’s east of the sun and west of the moon and is going to be forced to marry a princess with a nose three yards long. Do you know how I can get there by chance?”
The old woman stopped tossing the apple and eyed the younger girl up and down. “The prince, eh? How do you know about him I wonder. Maybe you’re the girl who should have been the one to marry him?” Unable to speak past the lump in her throat, the girl nodded. “I thought so. Well I hate to kill the optimism I see blossoming in your eyes, but I don’t know the way. All I know is that he lives east of the sun and west of the moon and that if you get there at all, you’ll get there too late to stop the wedding. A pity really. You seem like a nice kid, so here’s what I can do for you – I’ll let you borrow my horse. You can ride him to my neighbor up the way. Maybe she’ll know more about how to find your lost prince. When you get to her place, just swat my horse under his left ear and beg him to head home. He can find his own way back. Here, take this golden apple with you as well. Who knows, maybe it will come in handy.”
Grateful but increasingly depressed, the young girl thanked the old crone for her incredible kindness, took the proffered apple, and went to mount the horse. The beast seemed to know the way and took very little leading on the girl’s part, which was just as well. They rode and rode and rode until, after many more days of travel, they came to another towering cliff. Another old crone (different from the first but still very much cast from the same mold) sat under this cliff holding a golden carding comb (a stiff iron brush used to prepare wool for spinning).
Climbing down from the previous crone’s horse, the girl approached this new crone politely. “Excuse me. I’m looking for a prince. He lives with his stepmother in a castle that’s east of the sun and west of the moon and is going to be forced to marry a princess with a nose three yards long. Do you know how I can get there by chance?” The old woman looked up from toying with the golden comb. “The prince, eh? How do you know about him I wonder. Maybe you’re the girl who should have been the one to marry him?” Again, the girl nodded. “Well I’m sorry, but I don’t know the way. All I know is that he lives east of the sun and west of the moon and that if you get there at all, you’ll get there too late to stop the wedding. A pity really. You seem like a nice kid, so here’s what I can do for you – I’ll let you borrow my horse. You can ride him to my neighbor up the way. Maybe she’ll know more about how to find your lost prince. When you get to her place, just swat my horse under his left ear and beg him to head home. He can find his own way back. Here, take this golden comb with you as well. Who knows, maybe it will come in handy.”
This whole thing gave the girl a serious case of deja vu, but there was nothing for it but to thank the crone for her kindness and get on with it. The girl gently tapped the first horse under his left ear and asked him nicely to head on home (which he did) before climbing onto the back of the second very similar horse. Putting the golden comb away with the golden apple, the girl set out once more in search of her lost prince. Again, they rode for many days along empty, desolate places until they finally came to yet another towering cliff with yet another old crone seated beneath it. This one was sitting at a golden spinning wheel busily spinning thread. Already more than suspecting how this was going to play out, the girl politely approached the old woman, who looked up as she neared.
“Excuse me. I’m looking for a prince. He lives with his stepmother in a castle that’s east of the sun and west of the moon and is going to be forced to marry a princess with a nose three yards long. Do you know how I can get there by chance?” “The prince, eh? How do you know about him I wonder. Maybe you’re the girl who should have been the one to marry him?” As usual, the girl nodded. “Well I’m sorry, but I don’t know the way. All I know is that he lives east of the sun and west of the moon and that if you get there at all, you’ll get there too late to stop the wedding. A pity really. You seem like a nice kid, so here’s what I can do for you – I’ll let you borrow my horse. If you want my advice, I think you should head east and visit with the east wind. He gets around quite a bit and might have a better idea of where this castle is. Maybe you can convince him to blow you there. When you get to his place, just swat my horse under his left ear and beg him to head home. He can find his own way back. Here, take this golden spinning wheel with you as well. Who knows, maybe it will come in handy.”
This was a much larger piece of equipment, making it a lot more awkward to situate on this new horse’s back but the girl managed. Thanking the third old crone for both her kindness and her advice (and for breaking the pattern somewhat), she tapped the second horse under the left ear and asked it to go home before climbing on the back of a third horse. Again she rode off with a new magical-seeming doodad and a vague destination (though she had a slightly better sense of where to go this time). Many more weary days of endless isolated riding followed but at last she found herself at the home of the east wind. She knocked on the door and, to her delight, it was the east wind himself who answered.
“Hello. I’m looking for a prince. He lives with his stepmother in a castle that’s east of the sun and west of the moon and is going to be forced to marry a princess with a nose three yards long. Do you know how I can get there by chance?” The east wind thought for a moment and then nodded. “The prince? Yeah, that rings a bell. I’ve heard people talking about him a lot lately. Seems he was supposed to marry someone else but that went sour so now he’s marrying the princess you mentioned. I know the man but not the way, I’m afraid. I’ve never blown that far before. You know what though? My brother the west wind might have. I can take you to see him if you want. He’s much stronger and travels a lot farther. He might be able to carry you there.”
Heart pounding, the girl nearly tripped over her words agreeing to go with him. This was the most hopeful response she’d gotten yet. She was closer to her prince than she’d been but she was still terrified of arriving too late. Sending the third horse home as well, she hastened to climb on the east wind’s back and they were off in a rustle of leaves.
They arrived very quickly at the home of the west wind, having traveled much faster by magical personification of the elements than by mundane horseback. The east wind knocked on the door of his brother’s house and greeted him warmly when he opened the door. “Hey there, bro! Haven’t seen you in a hot minute. Listen, you see this girl with me? She’s the chick who was supposed to marry the prince who lives in the castle east of the sun and west of the moon before everything went to shit. Do you know how to get there? I’d have taken her myself, but I’ve never been that far.”
The west wind shook his head slowly. “Sorry, brother. I’ve also never gone quite that far afield before. That castle is way off the beaten path. I don’t know how to get there, but do you think our other brother the south wind might know the way? He’s stronger than either of us, so he might have made it that far.” He turned to the girl. “You want me to take you to see him? He might be able to carry you to your prince’s castle.” The girl was all too happy to agree and promptly climbed down from the east wind’s back and onto the west wind’s back. In a gust of creaking tree limbs, they were off.
The west wind was indeed faster and stronger than his brother, and they made even better time to the distant home of the south wind. Together, they approached the door and the west wind knocked, greeting his brother when he answered. “Hello brother. Pleasant travels. This young woman on my back is looking for the prince who lives in the castle east of the sun and west of the moon. Neither I nor the east wind knew the way and we hoped you might. Could you help this young human, who was the one who was supposed to marry the prince?”
“That’s her, huh? She’s the one. Wouldn’t have guessed. I’ve been a hell of a lot of places in my time, but I haven’t ever been quite that far before. It’s a very distant place, you know. I can’t take her to her prince but I think I can help.” He turned to the girl. “If you are willing, I can take you to see our eldest brother, the north wind. Being the oldest, he is also the strongest (and the gruffest) of the four of us. If he can’t take you to the castle, there is no one in the whole wide world who can.” Trembling with terror that her quest might be coming to a failed end, the young girl nevertheless thanked the west wind for his help and climbed up onto the south wind’s back. With a howl of stormy seas, they were off.
The south wind was indeed much stronger and faster than his brothers. The trip to the home of the north wind literally flew by with a deafening rush, leaving her trembling slightly but no less determined. Together, they walked up to the door and the south wind knocked. “What the fuck do you want!?” The north wind roared his vicious question from somewhere deeper in the house with such force that the icy blast chilled the girl even through the door. The south wind gave her a warning look and then turned to the door. “No need to be a dick, bro. It’s your little brother the south wind. The girl who was supposed to marry the prince is here, looking for his home east of the sun and west of the moon. She’s been asking around trying to find the way there and I figured you might know.”
With a blustery huff, the north wind finally opened the door. His stormy glower was every bit as cold and harsh as his voice had been. His angry gaze raked over the girl’s timid form and he huffed in obvious disdain at what he saw. “Yeah, I know the place. It’s a pretty fucking long way from here, brother. I blew a single leaf from an aspen tree there one time, and afterwards I was so damned exhausted that I couldn’t manage even a mild breeze for days. I don’t know if I can make it that far with a fucking human on my back, even one as small and inconsequential as her, but I guess I can try. Not like I had anything better to do with my day, right? Surely I’m not a busy fucking wind with a busy fucking schedule so sure, let’s help a waste of space mortal chase her prince. Why the fuck not. You game or are you a fucking chicken, mortal girl?”
The young woman was not at all encouraged by the prospect of such a harrowing journey with such an enormous asshole as a traveling companion but she had long since decided that she would do anything, endure anything, to see her prince again. She’d made a mistake and she would do whatever she had to in order to fix it. “I’m ready. I’ll go with you, strong north wind, if you’ll have me.” The north wind rolled his eyes but opened the door a little wider. “Well come in then. You’ll have to sleep here tonight. It’s going to take me the whole fucking day tomorrow to get there, if I can get there at all, so we’ll have to leave at first light. Be ready.”
The north wind’s home was dark and cold and uncomfortable, but somehow sleep still found her. She was awoken by the wind the next morning just before sunrise. “Alright, let’s do this thing. It’s gonna suck. You ready?” She wasn’t sure she was, but she nodded just the same and climbed onto his back. Drawing in an enormous breath, the north wind began to blow. He swelled into an enormous, angry-looking black thundercloud brimming with lightning. He would have been a terrible sight to behold even from a distance, let alone from right up on top of him. Steeling herself against the gruesome, terrifying visage below her, the girl clung on tight as they rocketed off on storm winds.
She’d only thought the south wind had been moving fast. That was nothing compared to the awful speed and riotous fury of the north wind. A trail of deadly, destructive storms were left in the north wind’s wake along the earth’s surface. Acres of forest were uprooted and scattered, entire towns were blown to bits, and when they crossed the sea, massive waves raged behind the wind and swamped hundreds of unlucky ships. The death toll was terrible and the girl wondered if she’d made the right choice. It was too late now to second-guess, but she knew she’d always have to bear the burden of this awful trip.
By now, the sea stretched endlessly in all directions. She doubted any other human had ever been this far out into the middle of absolutely nowhere, and that thought was more than a little unsettling. Worse, she could feel the north wind tiring beneath her. He was visibly slowing, the beat of his wings more labored. They descended slowly towards the rolling swells of the gray sea as the north wind tired until the top of the waves were lapping at the girl’s heels. “Are you afraid?” To her surprise, the girl found she wasn’t. She’d come too far to be afraid anymore. “No, I guess I’m not. I hope we make it though.” Land had appeared over the horizon and was drawing steadily if slowly nearer. With the last of his strength, the north wind crashed over the breakers and landed in a long furrow on the beach. With the last of his momentum, he hurled the human rider up the shore to roll under the very windows of the castle.
Brushing herself off, she turned to check on her benefactor, but he cursed gruffly at her that he just needed to rest. He’d sleep here for the next few days, so there wasn’t anything she could do for him. She might as well get on with why she’d come. There was no way for her to get home right now even if she’d wanted to. The sun had dipped beneath the horizon already, as the trip had indeed taken the entire day to achieve. Curling up on the softest patch of grass she could find, the girl went to sleep beneath the castle that lay east of the sun and west of the moon.
The next morning, the girl rose and stretched, looking out over the distant, isolated island. Not sure what else to do, she sat down under the window where the wind had tossed her and pulled out the golden apple the old woman had given her. She tossed it back and forth from hand to hand as she tried to rack her brain for some plan that would let her get in to see the prince she had betrayed for curiosity.
The window above her opened and who should pop out but the princess with the nine-foot long nose. The flash of gold had caught her eye and she looked down at the ragged figure playing with it. “How much for that golden apple, girl?” She looked up at the woman who was apparently her rival for the prince. “It’s not for sale, not for gold or money.” “Alright, if the price is not gold or money, then what is it? Everything has a price – name yours for the apple.” The girl barely had to consider. “It’s yours if I can go see the prince, who lives here, and spend the night with him tonight.
The princess thought about it. She could live with that deal. Handing over the apple, the mortal girl let herself be led up to the prince’s room. This was going perfectly. She just knew that if she could talk to him, they could figure this thing out. Toying with the golden fruit, the princess indicated a door and left. The young girl opened it to see her beloved prince lying in a splendid bed, fast asleep. She ran over to him and gently shook him. Nothing. She shook him harder. He didn’t stir. She called his name and yelled and cried, but nothing worked. No matter what she did, the prince remained in what was clearly some kind of enchanted sleep. Taking what comfort she could, the girl lay beside him in his bed as he had once laid beside her in hers and fell asleep. The next morning, as soon as the first rays of the sun broke, the princess chased her out of the castle.
Since it had worked the first time, the girl seated herself below the window again and pulled out the golden carding comb. She began to card a little wool, the golden comb flashing in the sun. Soon enough, the princess’ eye was caught by the sight and she came to ask the price. Again, the girl asked for permission to go to the prince and spend the night with him. Again, the princess agreed to the terms, took the golden object, and led the girl to a door.
As before, the prince was asleep in the bed and nothing she did could seem to rouse him. She’d been planning new, more inventive ways to wake him up on this second attempt, but none of it had any effect. He was lost in his enchanted sleep. In the morning, as the first gray light of dawn lit the sky, the princess chased her out of the prince’s room. With no other ideas or options, she pulled out the golden spinning wheel and began to weave thread. Again, this brought the attention of the princess, who asked the price for it. As she had twice before, the girl asked for permission to go to her prince and spend the night alone with him. Again, the princess agreed.
Now, the prince’s room wasn’t the only one that was occupied. People lived in the other rooms near the prince’s and, for two nights running now, they’d heard a strange young woman’s voice coming from his chambers. Stranger, the voice had been crying and calling his name. Worried that the prince might be doing something unseemly like cheating on his princess fiance, they asked him about the voice. He told them honestly that he had slept through the whole thing. He also told them he had no idea who the voice could be, but that wasn’t strictly true. He had a hope.
That night, as usual, the princess brought the prince his nightly wine. He more than suspected that it contained a sleeping spell, but he’d never really cared before. He was trapped here and doomed to marry the wrong woman, so what did it matter? Now, however… He took the wine gratefully and took a massive swig – except he didn’t. It was all playacting. The princess had no reason to suspect him of subterfuge, so she bought the ruse. He pretended to pass out on the bed and waited for her to leave. When the girl was led to his room in exchange for the spinning wheel, he was wide awake.
He sat up in the bed with a huge grin on his face once they were alone. After a massive hug, he looked her in the eyes. “I hoped it was you. Listen, you’ve arrived just in the nick of time – the wedding day is tomorrow. I don’t want to marry the princess, and you are the only woman in the world who can save me from that fate. She’s a real troll, and I don’t mean that in a sexist way – she’s actually a troll.
“Here’s the plan: I still have the shirt I was wearing the night the whole thing with the candle happened. I’ll tell the princess it’s my favorite shirt and ask her to prove herself a worthy wife by washing it for me. For magical reasons I don’t have time to explain, a troll won’t be able to wash them out, but since you’re the one who put them there in the first place, you can. She’ll fail, and I’ll say I’ll only marry the woman who can wash my shirt properly. I’ll ask you to try. Do you have all that?” The young woman nodded. Here at last was a chance to undo her mistake in a very symbolic way. The story says that there was ‘great joy and love between them that night’, which sounds a lot like fairy tale euphemism for sex to me. You can be the judge on that.
Anyway, the next morning the prince faked a magical sleep and the girl was kicked out of the castle by the princess again. The prince was awoken and everyone began to prepare for the day’s wedding. He walked up to his stepmother and soon to be mother-in-law with a resigned smile. “Well, if we’re gonna do this thing, we should do it right. I’d like to see what my bride is fit for.” The stepmother, thrilled to have her stepson finally giving in to her machinations, eagerly agreed with him. “Awesome. Glad we’re on the same page. So I want to wear my favorite shirt for the wedding but, wouldn’t you know it, there’s three spots of tallow on it, which simply won’t do. I have sworn to only marry the woman who can properly clean my shirt. After all, as both of you have said, a wife isn’t worthwhile if she can’t clean.” Which is gross, but at least we know the prince doesn’t believe any of this patriarchal bullshit.
That was an easy enough test, and so the princess was called over to wash the shirt. She began to scrub, but the three spots seemed to grow larger under her hands rather than smaller. “What the fuck?” She kept rubbing and scrubbing but it was obvious now that the spots were indeed somehow growing. With a growl of exasperation, the troll’s mother (who was also a troll, in case that wasn’t clear) shoved her aside. “You’re utterly worthless, daughter! Can’t even wash a damned shirt. Give it here. I’ll show you how.”
Even as the troll mother’s hands touched the fabric, the spots grew to cover the entire shirt, staining it an ugly mottled gray. Horrified, all of the other troll relatives joined in to try and clean the shirt, but each just made the situation worse. By the time they were done cleaning it, the shirt looked like it had been used to wipe down the inside of a chimney. It was, in a word, disgusting.
“Well this is quite a shame. Not a one of you is worth shit. Seriously, is there no one here who can manage to wash a simple shirt?” He looked out the window to where the young woman sat in her stained rags. “There’s a beggar girl outside the window there. Even as filthy and poor as that urchin is, I bet she can clean a shirt better than the entire trollish lot of you. Hey, girl! Yes, you! Come here please!” She scampered in at his summons.
“Can you wash this shirt clean, girl?” The girl considered the filthy, grimy hunk of fabric. “I don’t know – that’s pretty bad, but I’ll give it a shot. I think I can do it.” Taking it in her hands, she dunked the shirt in the water to scrub it. After one single scrub, all of the caked-on grime vanished, leaving the shirt as clean and white as fresh-fallen snow. Whiter even. The prince smiled. “Well what do you know? I guess you’re the girl for me.”
The troll mother flew into a screaming cursing rage. She worked up a good head of steam, screaming at the girl and the prince and the stepmother and the whole motherfucking castle until her rage grew so intense that she simply exploded. Literally. She spontaneously fucking combusted into nothing but a wisp of smoke. One by one, all of the other trolls also exploded and were never heard from again.
That sounds harsh, but it turns out that the trolls had been kidnapping mortal people (the story calls them Christians, but that’s a corruption thanks to the Christianization of the region) and holding them in the castle. The prince and young woman were promptly married as they both wanted and set all of the kidnapped humans free. Ransacking the castle for all of the treasure (mostly silver and gold), they escaped with all the mortals and fled the castle that lay east of the sun and west of the moon. The story doesn’t say how, but it’s pretty clear that the north wind wasn’t going to be able to do the job. I have to assume that there must be some kind of magical conveyance in the castle that everyone else used to get here. However they managed it, the prince and the now-princess lived happily ever after
This story is almost certainly inspired by the tale of Cupid and Psyche from The Golden Ass, which we covered way, way back in Episode 7. There are just way too many similarities for it to be a coincidence. It’s likely a corruption and combination of an existing tale with this new influence. Anyway, with the proper bride finally married to the groom, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s legendary king is Frothi.
There are actually quite a few Danish kings name Frothi littered throughout the ancient world, showing up in Beowulf, Snorri Sturluson’s Prose Edda, and the Grottasongr. The one we’re concerned with today is a distant descendant of Odin, at least according to the story collected by Charles John Tibbitts in 1890.
Long, long ago, Odin got busy with a mortal woman and had a son named Skioldr. The child grew to adulthood and led his people into Denmark, which was then called Gotland, and settled it. Skioldr reigned over Gotland for many years before passing kingship to his own son Frithleif. This second king also ruled for many years before passing the throne to his son, Frothi. According to legend, Frothi reigned in Gotland around the same time that Emperor Augustus ruled in Rome. This very historical emperor was effectively the first emperor of Rome, ruling from 63 BC to 14 AD. If you know your Roman history, you know that Augustus greatly expanded Rome’s territory and ended the simmering conflict of power between members of the Second Triumvirate (if you’re curious about specifics, I highly recommend the History of Rome podcast), ushering in what was considered by many to be an era of widespread peace.
Rome’s power was so great that Augustus’ peace reached even distant Gotland far to the north. Being the most powerful of the kings in the north (since there was no Winterfell and no Starks to take the title), the locals attributed this peace to Frothi, and thus it was known as Frothi’s peace. Not the most creative name, but evocative and to the point. During Frothi’s peace, no man lifted his hand against another. Even if someone were to discover the identity of the man who had murdered his brother or father (a terrible crime that must have occurred before the peace began), he would not take bloody vengeance. Theft and robbery dwindled to nonexistent as there was enough to go around to everyone. It is said that a gold armband lay forgotten in the road in Jalangursheath and was left there untouched for many days until its owner finally returned to claim it.
After this peace had well and truly been established, Frothi decided to go and visit Fiolnir, the friendly king of Sweden. There, he purchased two slave women (so I guess that Frothi’s vaunted peace didn’t actually extend to everyone after all) named Fenia and Menia. These two women were equally well-renowned for their impressive physical stature and strength. In some versions, they are literally giants (or at least descended from giants). At this time, there were two enormous quern-stones in Denmark (a type of rounded grinding stone that usually comes in pairs). They were so massive that no one had thus far been able to move them. So powerful in fact was this quern-stone that it was named Grotti, and had been presented to the king by Hengikioptr, whose name apparently means hanging chops. These stones had a special magical virtue – they could grind out literally anything that the grinder might want, and that isn’t limited to just things that make sense to be ground out. Of course, it only worked if you could turn it, and no one in Gotland had thus far been able to, not even Frothi’s most powerful warriors. That’s where these strapping young lasses come in.
The slaves Fenia and Menia were brought to Grotti to turn the massive stone and finally get some use out of the magic. Being absolutely stacked, they were able to actually turn the stones. They were in pretty good spirits about it, all things considered. It’s exhausting, tedious work but they were strong as fuck, so it wasn’t bad. Seeing it working, Frothi asked them to grind out for him gold, peace, and prosperity. That seemed like a relatively good thing to make, so Fenia and Menia cheerfully did as they were bid. Soon enough, the king’s coffers were overflowing with wealth and Frothi’s peace, as we already mentioned, was shining across the land. Augustus might have gotten the ball rolling, but it was Grotti (with a big assist from Fenia and Menia) who kept it going, at least in Gotland.
Having done all of this, even two women as powerful as these needed a bit of a break. They’d certainly earned one, right? King Frothi, it turns out, was a huge fucking dick with a real hard-on for gold. Enough wasn’t enough – he needed more. Ignoring their very reasonable request, Frothi forced them to keep working, to keep making gold. Enslaved as they were, they didn’t have much choice. They were only allowed whatever rest they could snatch in the time it took for a song verse to be sung or in the brief time the cuckoo bird shut the fuck up.
Ground down by the king’s cruelty, the giantesses decided to get a little much-deserved revenge. One night, while the king slept and left them all alone to grind out his never-ceasing river of gold, they changed their song, performing a lay that would later become known as the Grotta-Sovengr. To this martial tune, they ground out an army instead of peace and prosperity. This enormous armed band was used to convince the viking Mysinger to invade Gotland with a large army of his own. Under the power of Grotti, the people of Gotland slept through the invasion, awakening only once the assault was underway. Caught completely by surprise, they were absolutely wrecked by this viking king and many of Frothi’s people (including Frothi himself) were slain.
Mysinger claimed much of the land’s riches as his own, including the two enormous millstones and their two equally enormous attendants. Bringing them aboard his ship, Mysinger ordered them to get to work grinding out salt for him, which was a very valuable commodity at the time. Shrugging, the two gigantic women got to work. This wasn’t quite the vengeance they’d hoped for, but there wasn’t much they could do against an entire viking horde.
They ground and ground and ground, stopping to ask Mysinger several times if he had enough salt yet. Each time, he furiously ordered them back to work. It turns out that this dude was every bit as big a dick as Frothi had been and just as short-sighted. They kept right on grinding until the ship sank beneath the weight of the salt they had ground out, taking everyone on board down into the depths of the sea. It is said that they went down in the Pentland Firth off the coast of Norway. Their collapse created a deep hole in the seafloor and the rush of seawater through the holes in the center of the quern-stones created a great whirlpool known as the Maelstrom. As for the salt, it naturally dissolved into the ocean water. The two giantesses had ground so much of it that it spread throughout all the oceans of the world, which have been salty ever since.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’ll set out on a pilgrimage to the ancient mountains of Japan. You’ll discover goblins can’t hold their wine, that the real goblin king is an ugly SOB (though David Bowie’s Jareth did get the crotch bulge right), and that sometimes prayer actually can make a difference. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll learn why you shouldn’t steal cool clothes you find on the beach. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.