Episode 99 – Warts and All – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 99 Show Notes

Source: Slavic Folklore

This week on MYTH, it’s off to the Czech Republic for a twist on a classic tale. You’ll see that you should be nice to all your kids, that you should always let a stranger take you to a cave, and that you can be too good at questing. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a fox befriends a senior kitty. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 99, “Warts and All”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
Before we get started, I just wanted to mention that one of my favorite times of the year is here. No, not Halloween (although that’s also a favorite) – DragonCon. I’ll be back again this weekend with my Mythology in Popular Culture Panel to discuss the 30th anniversary of Beauty and the Beast, the French tale from Episodes 39A-I that started it all, and some of the more interesting adaptations. I’ll also be on plenty of other panels of pop culture goodness to nerd out with all of you. Specifics are posted on Facebook and the website, or you can find all the panels on the free DragonCon app. Hope to see you there!
This week’s story comes to us from the traditional folklore of the Slavic peoples and, more specifically, from what is now the Czech Republic. We’ll be using Parker Fillmore’s collection of Czechoslovak Fairy Tales from 1919. Once upon a time, there lived a farmer with three sons. As so often happened, the farmer was troubled about how to divide up his property between his sons after he died. He was not a terribly wealthy man and so his property wasn’t really big enough to split three ways without fucking over all three of his sons in the process, leaving them all struggling to eke out a living from too little land. On the other hand, how could he choose just one of his beloved children to gift with an inheritance and leave the others to twist in the wind? It was an impossible choice and, after much deliberation, he opted to just…not choose.
He called all three sons together to discuss the situation with them. “My sons – when I was a boy, my grandfather taught me that it was a father’s duty to treat all of his children fairly, and I have striven to live by those words. Now that you are all growing up, I want to be fair to you all so I have decided to leave your inheritance up to fate and your own cleverness. The three of you must go out into the wide world and find yourself a bride. The one who manages to bring back the biggest, most beautiful ring as a betrothal gift will become my heir and inherit my farm. Good luck, my sons.” On the one hand, all three sons are on a pretty equal footing – they are all setting out with nothing but their own wits and plucky attitude, so this is at least a fair competition. On the other hand, it makes marriage a game with the bride a somewhat interchangeable pawn, which is both gross and a bad foundation for a happy marriage. Of course, given the time when this story takes place, many marriages were about finances more than romance, so maybe it’s just par for the course. Anywho.
The sons all agreed to the plan (not that challenging it would have done much to change their father’s mind) and set out the next morning. The youngest son was named Kubik and the family considered him to be – not the sharpest crayon in the box. See, he did such laughable things like (checks notes) be nice to beggars and drive a fair bargain rather than a hard one. His brothers laughed at him and his father pitied him for being too kind and gentle, figuring that nice guys finish last. I like this youngest son already. Here’s to hoping this is a ‘clever son outwits his crueler brothers’ story and not a ‘nice guy gets taken advantage of’ story.
The three sons picked different directions so as to not be in direct competition with each other. Like, any more than they already were by the nature of the competition, I mean. After a few hours, Kubik’s path led him into a deep forest, far deeper and more mysterious than any he had ever seen before. The only way seemed to be through, so he headed in. As he walked along his way, a little frog jumped out of the undergrowth and into the path ahead of Kubik. “Hey there, Kubik! Where ya headed?”
This caught the young man completely by surprise. He’d never heard of a frog that could talk before, nor did it make sense that she knew his name, and suddenly being confronted with the impossible unnerved him (which is completely understandable). Even so, his father had raised him too well not to answer such a polite question. Even as his brain was making that fork in a garbage disposal sound, his mouth was answering just as politely. He greeted the frog in turn and told her all about his father’s farm and the competition with his brothers for the best engagement ring. The frog (who I’m imagining like a tiny Kermit the Frog) listened attentively. “Is that so? Well then you’re in luck, Kubik! Come with me and meet my daughter Kachenka, who I promise you can give you a ring more beautiful than anything your brothers will ever find.”
Kubik hesitated. He wanted to win this thing, sure, but he hadn’t ever planned on marrying a frog because who would? Still, this frog was being all kinds of nice and it just wasn’t in Kubik’s gentle soul to hurt her feelings by rejecting her offer out of hand. Sighing internally but smiling politely, Kubik agreed to go and meet this frog lady while hoping desperately that she didn’t look anything like her mom. He said nothing though, but followed quietly after his froggy host. They made their way into a deep valley and across to a high, rocky cliff on the other side. The stone was honeycombed with countless caverns and caves and was home to many wild creatures, including the frog and her daughter. The frog hopped up to a cave that looked like any other. “Kachenka, my beloved child, come out and meet Kubik! He’s here to woo you and perhaps to be your husband. Bring out your little box of rings to offer him a betrothal gift if this meeting goes well (which I think it will).”
In response, croaking and dragging could be heard from inside and a second frog soon appeared dragging a heavy jewel casket that was almost too big for her to move. Kubik’s breath caught in his throat and he fought to keep a polite smile plastered on his face. Kachenka was somehow a hundred times more hideous than her mother. Her legs were crooked, her skin was slimy and covered in warts, and her color was a delightful mix of vomit green, moldy brown, and piss yellow. She was utterly repulsive, even by frog standards, and when she spoke, her voice was ugly and hoarse and croaking. Poor, polite Kubik shuddered and seriously considered bailing on this whole thing. He hadn’t promised to do anything but meet this frog chick, so he could just leave and no one would ever blame him for it.
Almost immediately, he felt guilty for his thoughts. After all, it wasn’t Kachenka’s fault she had been born a particularly ugly frog and he shouldn’t hold it against her. Steeling his spine and summoning all the good vibes he could, Kubik walked over to meet the frog lady he was about to get engaged to because he was too nice to say no to her mother’s assumptive offer. He sat down to meet Kachenka, and the two frogs opened the jewel casket for him to peruse. The box was completely full of the most beautiful and impressive rings Kubik had ever seen, had ever even heard of. In his wildest dreams, he never would have imagined that any one creature would have such a collection of riches, and certainly not a random frog met by pure chance. The mother frog smiled up at her soon-to-be son-in-law. “You’ve been completely up front with me, and I appreciate your honesty, so how about you pick your own ring out of the box.”
Kubik picked through the rings, and each was more incredible than the last. After some time, he finally picked the smallest, plainest one he could find. He felt guilty taking anything nicer, especially after the mean way he’d judged his future frog bride in his mind. The frog matron laughed. “Not that one, Kubik unless you want your brothers to laugh at you. You don’t have to be so modest. Here, take this one instead.” Rooting through the rings, she picked out the ring with the biggest diamond of all, easily worth a king’s ransom. Awkwardly, Kubik took it, deciding that it would be more impolite to refuse such an extravagant gift. She wrapped the ring carefully in paper and handed it to her daughter’s fiance. “Very nice. You should head home, my dear. Your brothers have already returned and your father is waiting for you.” Kubik didn’t waste time wondering how in the hell a frog could possibly know such a thing. If she could talk, who knew what other powers she had?
The young man hurried back the way he had come. Sure enough, he arrived home to find his brothers already there with his father. Once they were all assembled, the farmer called all three together to compare the results of their quest. The eldest son pulled out a simple brass ring, very plain and very inexpensive. The farmer shook his head, unimpressed. “It’s not much but at least it has sentimental value. Put it away and hold on to it as a keepsake, yeah?” The second son smiled and pulled out a small silver ring, equally plain and simple. It was definitely worth more than the elder son’s ring though not by a whole lot, but since everyone expected Kubik to utterly embarrass himself, the second son thought he had this in the bag.
The farmer wasn’t terribly impressed with his second son either. “You did better than your brother I suppose, but I would have hoped the future owner of my farm could do a little better than that. Hold on to that as a keepsake son. And what about you, Kubik? What have you brought?” Blushing in embarrassment, Kubik pulled the little paper package out of his pocket. Both of his brothers began laughing at the sight. “Holy shit, bro! How cheap is your ring if you had to hide it in old paper? Come on, show us how badly you fucked this up!” Kubik unwrapped the package to reveal the ornately carved ring with its massive stone. The diamond caught the sun and sparkled with a dazzling array of colors that seemed to almost blaze with an inner fire. The laughter stopped abruptly. The farmer looked from the ring to his son, his face horrified. “Kubik, where did you get such a ring? Who did you steal that from, you wicked boy?”
Without actually waiting for the youngest son to answer this accusation, the farmer grabbed a whip from a nearby wall and began to beat Kubik mercilessly with it. Once the young man was beaten bloody for his supposed misdeed, his father hid the ring carefully. He wasn’t about to get his ass arrested for his son’s bad idea. “Okay, that didn’t work out the way I hoped so we’re going to have to try again. All of you go back to your brides and ask them to gift you an embroidered handkerchief. Whichever of you brings back the most beautiful one will be my heir and inherit my farm.”
The next day, the three sons again set out in search of the best McGuffin to win this competition. Kubik decided to pick a different road than he had walked the day before, hoping to avoid running into the old frog. He was worried that talking to her again would end up with the farmer whippin Kubik’s ass bloody again, which he understandably wanted to avoid. He followed this new path for some time until, against all reason, that old frog matron once more leapt in front of him. She smiled up at him until she noticed his expression. “What’s wrong, Kubik?”
The young man hadn’t planned on telling her the story, but she was gently insistent with her questioning and at last he relented. It would have been rude to continue to refuse her after she had been so kind to him before, right? The whole tale spilled out – his brothers’ small rings, the accusations, the beating, and the new quest for an embroidered handkerchief. The old frog patted his leg reassuringly. “That is just awful. Don’t worry your pretty little head any more about that whipping. And as for an embroidered handkerchief, why, Kachenka is just the girl for the job! She can give you one that will make your brothers’ eyes pop out of their heads in amazement. How lucky is that?”
Kubik didn’t really want to accept another gift from Kachenka. He was already in way too deep with the ring and didn’t want to make things worse, but the old frog was insistent. At last, he agreed to follow her to the cliff to talk to Kachenka again, mostly because he couldn’t figure out a polite way to refuse. She called out to her daughter as before, and again ugly, crooked Kachenka crawled out, this time dragging a huge, ornate chest. Already knowing what he would find, Kubik opened the lid to reveal a collection of the finest, most wonderful silk handkerchiefs he’d ever seen, each one richly embroidered with expensive thread. Some of them were so large and finely worked that they seemed more like shawls than handkerchiefs. The old frog again urged him to choose his own and Kubik humbly pulled out the smallest, plainest one he could find. The frog sighed in bemused exasperation and cajoled him into taking the largest, most expensive one in the box (much to his embarrassment).
This new gift was wrapped in paper like before, and Kubik was sent home with an admonishment that his brothers were already there ahead of him. He hurried home to find that, sure enough, his family had gathered to see the results of the contest. The eldest son went first, pulling out a plain, simple linen thing that was basically a rag. The farmer sighed in disappointment at the worthless thing, told his eldest to keep it as a memento, and turned to the middle son. He pulled out a larger, nicer handkerchief though it was still a fairly plain, inexpensive thing. The farmer considered this carefully. “Better, I suppose. It might be good enough for a farmer. If you squint. Put it away for now as a keepsake. And what about you, Kubik?”
Blushing furiously with embarrassment, Kubik reached into his shirt and pulled out the wrapped up gift. Having learned absolutely nothing from the day before, the two elder brothers laughed loudly at the sight. “Holy shit, bro! How cheap is your handkerchief if you had to hide it in old paper? Come on, show us how badly you fucked this up!” Already worried about how today was going to end, Kubik unwrapped his prize. Again, their laughter cut off in an instant as the magnificent work inside was revealed. Kubik had brought home a piece of fine silk large enough to have functioned as an ornate rug for a large room and so richly worked in embroidery that any princess in the world would have been proud to wear it.
Kubik’s family stared at this expensive, kingly gift in shock and again, the farmer was certain that his good for nothing youngest son clearly must have stolen it. Exactly as Kubik had feared, his father again seized the whip and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of him for his supposed crime. Kubik was straight up not having a good time, yo. Once the farmer was done beating his youngest son to within an inch of his life, he took the expensive silk handkerchief and hid it away with the ring. That done, he gathered his sons for a third time (it’s a fairy tale, so the rule of threes is in full effect here). “Okay, clearly the whole gift thing was a mistake. Tell you what, my boys – this time, I don’t want you to bring back material wealth. Instead, I want each of you to bring your bride here to meet the family. Whichever of you brings home the most beautiful bride will be my heir and inherit my farm.”
The next morning, the three sons again set out in three different directions. Kubik was officially Over This Shit. “I really need to pick my path carefully today. No offense to her, but I really don’t want to meet Kachenka again. Twice now, I’ve brought home the best betrothal gift and twice I’ve been beaten for it. What would they do to me if I brought home a fucking frog as my bride? They’d really laugh it up if he did that. And then probably beat me for good measure.” Thus, Kubik took a third path through the woods, trying his very best to go not at all towards the place where he had met the old frog the previous two days. What do you think happened next? You guessed it – the old frog somehow managed to hop out onto the path ahead of Kubik. Courtesy be damned, Kubik wasn’t doing this. Before the frog could speak and trap him in a loop of politeness, he turned and ran the fuck away as fast as he possibly could.
Having much longer legs, he quickly outran the frog. He ran and ran and ran, feeling guilty about his choice the whole way. Suddenly, a huge snake rose up in the road before him. Swaying hypnotically, it rose up until it stood as tall as he did, daring him to come closer. Kubik didn’t know if this particular serpent was venemous or not, but with fangs as long as his arm, it probably wouldn’t matter. Any bite would likely be fatal. Slowly and without breaking eye contact, Kubik backed away. Well, fuck. Kubik realized that the woods were telling him in no uncertain terms that he was being rude. Reluctantly, he turned back and headed to meet the old frog. “I guess I’m marrying a frog, dammit.”
The snake was apparently in on this whole thing. Once Kubik made it clear he was resigned to his fate, it offered to show him the way to the cliff where the two frogs were waiting for him. The old frog thanked the snake for its help and greeted Kubik warmly. She didn’t blame Kubik for getting cold feet. For his part, Kubik was exhausted and depressed. He was not at all stoked about joining his life to a frog, but he had made a commitment, and he intended to keep it. The young man sat down to rest and fell into a little depression nap. At least he could escape the last few terrible days in his dreams.
Two beatings in two days coupled with his failed escape attempt finally caught up to him and he slept clean through the rest of day and the night. He awoke the next morning, refreshed and more than a bit disoriented. He had fallen asleep next to a cave, but he woke up…in a huge feather bed. It was softer than anything he’d ever felt and whiter than fresh-fallen snow. Looking around, he saw that he was in a palatial room that was decorated lavishly enough for any king. An exquisite silken shirt lay spread out on a chair beside the bed with a silver basin of crystal clear water just beyond.
Kubik rose to wash his face, prompting a burst of activity. Attendants rushed in carrying clothes woven from cloth of gold. Not just golden in color but made from actual gold. He tried to protest but they ignored him and proceeded to comb his hair and dress him in the fine suit. It would have been rude to fight them off, so he suffered through their ministrations in silence. When they were finally finished, Kubik barely recognized himself. He looked like a young prince.
Once he was washed and dressed, the attendants sat him down at a lavish breakfast. The food was incredible and, much to his delight, there was rich coffee with an unexpected luxury – cream. The story literally stops to make sure that you, the audience, are aware that this was only the second time in his life that Kubik had ever had cream with his coffee. So there, you are now aware and we can move on.
The poor lad’s head was spinning at this bizarre and inexplicable situation. None of it made sense. Out the window, he could see a lush courtyard and an ornate gate; beyond lay a large, bustling town full of houses and shops and people busily hurrying about their day, which was nothing at all like the forest or cliff or caves he would have expected. Where was he?
Before long, beautiful music began to stream in through the window from the courtyard below. A large crowd began to gather to listen. Kubik would have listened from his perch in the window as well but several attendants burst in and hustled him out of the room. They kept calling him ‘Lord Kubik’ no matter how many times he told them that it was just Kubik. They led him through a series of corridors and out the main doors to the grand gate he’d seen from the window. The crowd began to cheer as a fine carriage pulled in through the gate and came to a stop before him. Two exquisite ladies were seated inside and, from the obvious resemblance, Kubik guessed that they were mother and daughter. Moreover, they were clearly nobility from the expensive silk dresses they wore. They smiled when they saw Kubik (who was glad he had been dressed in fine clothes to meet such fancy people) and climbed down to speak with him.
The older lady smiled as she saw Kubik’s obvious confusion. “You don’t recognize us, do you my dear Kubik? I am the old frog matron who met you on that forest road, and behind me is Kachenka who you knew as an ugly, crooked frog that you feared to bring home to your family. I’m sure this is all very confusing to you. See, we were all under a wicked enchantment. Some years ago, an evil magician brought devastation to our kingdom and ruin to our family. Our people were changed into snakes while the two of us were turned into frogs. This city and our great castle were changed into the rocky cliff you saw before. We were doomed to remain transformed until someone came to ask my daughter for a betrothal gift. I spent years asking every person who passed along that road to help us, but they all ignored us, sneered at our ugly appearance, or ran away screaming because, you know, talking frog. Some of them even tried to step on us and squish us. The audacity! You, my fine Kubik, were the only person not to turn away in disgust. You were not repulsed by our ugliness and now, thanks to you, the curse is broken! The betrothal that you had asked for when we were but frogs will be honored – you will marry Princess Kachenka and become the king of this kingdom.”
Shocked, Kubik allowed himself to be led up into the carriage and seated between the princess and the dowager queen. The story doesn’t say what happened to the previous king, so I’m going to assume he got into some fairytale shenanigans with the evil magician and ended up on the business end of a fireball spell. You pick your own terrible fate for the absent king. The assembled people cheered their hero as the carriage pulled out of the kingdom and headed for Kubik’s village.
As the carriage pulled up, the farmer was in the yard chopping wood with the help of his two older sons. Both had brought their new fiances, country girls from nearby farms who I’m sure were perfectly fine people. They were all waiting to see just who – or what – Kubik was going to bring home. The eldest noticed the approaching lords and ladies and pointed it out to his family. The second son panicked a little. “Dad, did you forget to pay our taxes? How screwed are we right now?” His father shushed him, pulling off his cap out of respect and elbowing his sons to follow suit. His mind drifted back to the two stolen goods his youngest had brought home stashed nearby. He had to be wondering if these were the victims. “No, everything is in order. Now be polite!”
The carriage stopped before the trio, who bowed awkwardly as two fine ladies and a handsome lord descended. The young man looked between them with an odd expression on his face which made the three commoners very, very nervous. “Don’t you know me?” The father bobbed in repeated bows, going lower and lower each time until his head nearly touched the ground. “Of course not – where would I have ever met such a fine man as your lordship, sir, your honor.” “Huh. And your sons, they don’t know me either? These are your sons, right?” “Yes sir. I mean no sir. I mean yes these are my sons and no they don’t know you sir. Isn’t that right, boys?” The two elder sons were far too embarrassed by all of this to say a word, so they just stood by silently as their father kept bobbing his nervous bows.
“That’s so weird. You really don’t recognize your own son Kubik who you beat bloody the last two days running for showing you the betrothal gifts he had brought back per your instructions?” That got the farmer’s attention. He finally stopped bowing and looked closely at the young lord, seeing past the fine clothes to the person wearing them. “Holy shit. Oh, sorry for cursing wait should I be apologizing for cursing in front of a son I’ve cursed in front of many times before oh no I’m rambling. My boy! How could I possibly recognize you in that fancy getup? You look positively dashing. And…is that your betrothed? Really? Incredible! I mean, you obviously won the contest – the farm is yours, Kubik.”
The dowager queen rolled her eyes. “Your son Kubik has no need of this farm. And for that matter, neither do you or your other two sons. Kubik is marrying my daughter the princess and will be crowned king of our kingdom. You three are welcome to come and live there with us in peace and comfort.” The farmer thought this sounded just dandy, especially since he could just as easily have been punished for beating his son to a pulp for a lie that hadn’t actually been a lie. He hugged his son, his soon-to-be daughter-in-law, and his son’s royal mother-in-law. On Kubik’s suggestion, the farm was given to the poorest man in the village and everyone went to live in the kingdom. They lived a long and happy life. The farmer was very pleased at how it had all turned out, especially since it all started with his decision to try and be fair to his three sons and not split the farm. The poor man who was given the farm also lived a much happier life and never tired of telling this story of how good king Kubik came to the throne, where he ruled as a wise and generous man. And, for once, they all lived happily ever after.
This is a fairly unique take on a pretty common fairy tale trope. The goodhearted commoner who manages to become royalty through a series of magical coincidences is pretty standard fare – Puss in Boots from Episode 29 is a well-known example of this – but I like that our friend Kubik stumbles his way to the throne mostly through social anxiety and a fear of being rude. I find it interesting that the hero kind of fails the third challenge, running away from the frog and only stopping because he ran into a giant snake, but isn’t punished for this transgression. Similarly, his brothers and father never get any comeuppance for the beatings or cruel bullying and end up with pretty good lives they did nothing to earn. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to the grimdark universe of the aptly named Brothers Grimm. But Kubik has gotten his just deserts, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s furry friends are the cat and the fox.
Not to be confused with Disney’s tear-jerking classic The Fox and the Hound, this is a Ukranian tale from the Cooack Fairy and Folk Tales collection from Robert Nisbet Bain from 1894. Once upon a time, in a certain forest that almost certainly was not a magically transformed kingdom, there lived a fox. Also in these woods, not far from the fox’s den, there also lived a man with his cat. The kitty cat, whose name was the fantastic Mister Shaggy Matthew, was getting on in years. He had been a champion mouse hunter in his younger days but time had not been kind and now he was slow and half blind. The cat’s owner was a jackass and decided that, despite the years of service and companionship Mister Shaggy Matthews had given him, he didn’t want to care for a senior cat. He had just enough of a soul to not just bash his cat’s head in, so instead he took it out into the forest and left it there to die. Asshole.
The fox, who being a wild creature had no name, sauntered out to greet her fellow hunter. “Why, as I live and breathe if it ain’t Mister Shaggy Matthews! How do you do this fine day? What brings you out to my neck of the woods?” Mister Shaggy Matthews sighed. “Today doesn’t feel very fine to me, sister fox. My human loved me when I was a frisky kitten, quick and nimble with sharp teeth the better to catch mice with; now that I am old and find it difficult to chase mice any longer, he has abandoned me here to die a miserable, lonely death.”
The fox shook her head sadly. “That is a terrible tale, my fine puss puss. But don’t you worry your whiskers – I’ll be happy to help you get your daily bread. But, like, not bread because you’re a cat.” The kitty perked up at this incredible news. “Really, sister foxey? You mean it? You’re the best!” The fox built a little shed with a little garden for Mister Shaggy Matthews to live in and to nap in the sun in, respectively. It was a great retirement, not far from the farm where the cat had spent his entire life, but safely out of sight. With the fox’s help, the cat was able to get plenty of food.
One day, a hare snuck towards the farm intent on stealing a nice fat cabbage for himself. He moved quick and quiet, squeaking to himself as he approached the farm. His hopping brought him near to the little shed and caught the attention of Mister Shaggy Matthew, who poked his head out the window. The cat couldn’t see all that great as noted, but he still knew a rodent when he smelled one. The cat arched his back and hissed, scaring the shit out of the hare who’d thought the guardian cat long gone. He raced back into the woods, abandoning any thoughts of cabbage.
This particular hare was apparently on good terms with a bear, a wolf, and a boar who all hung out together for reasons that are never adequately explained. He told his much larger and deadlier friends all about his encounter with the cat and they were not at all pleased. The bear had apparently heard that the local fox had taken in the abandoned cat, which simply wouldn’t do. “Harumph! These two need to be taught a lesson. Here’s what we’ll do. I’ll go and steal the human’s honey; Mr. Wolf, you steal his pot of bacon; Mr. Boar, you root up his fruit trees and gather all the fruit; and you, Mr. Bunny, go back to the shed and invite that cat and fox to dinner. We’ll ambush them and murder them. Okay?” Everyone agreed with this disproportionate violence for reasons that are again not adequately explained and set out on their tasks.
The hare hurried back to where the cat and the fox lived and stopped beneath the window. Both animals stuck their heads out as the hare looked up at them. “We, the animals of the forest, hereby invite your ladyship Foxey Woxey along with her companion Mister Shaggy Matthews to dinner in the woods.” He then raced back to his co-conspirators and told them what he had said. The bear shook his head ponderously. “You should have told them to bring their spoons!” The hare smacked himself in the head for forgetting such an obvious thing. I mean, I have no idea why anyone expects a cat and a fox to have or need spoons, but apparently they did. The hare raced back to convey this additional bit of instructions to the cat and fox. With all of this hubbub, you would expect the spoons to be somehow integral to the story, but nope. They are never mentioned again. I have no idea why the story makes such a big deal about it.
That evening, the fox and the cat headed out to the banquet. As they approached, Mister Shaggy Matthews smelled the delicious aroma of bacon and meowed loud and long in anticipation. Apparently, it sounded like ‘ma-lo, ma-lo’, which is roughly Ukrainian for ‘too little’. The bear, who was hiding with his fellow assassins behind a stand of beech trees, couldn’t believe his ursine ears. “Seriously? The four of us have been gathering all the food we could find, more than enough to make a celebration feast for all of us once our victims are dead, and this pig-faced little cat says it’s not enough? He must be some kind of awful monster to be so very hungry!”
Defying all logic, many hundreds of pounds of powerful animal death became terrified of this cat because he was hungry enough to not be satisfied with a feast. If you’ve ever spent any time around cats at all, you know that many of them will cry because they can see the bottom of a mostly-full food dish. While annoying, that’s not exactly bone-chilling stuff. This bear apparently had one hell of an imagination and managed to convince himself (and the others) to run away from a fake monster. The bear scurried up a tree (which makes sense), leaving the others to hide as best they could in some bushes. Mister Shaggy Matthews heard the commotion and came to investigate. He saw the boar’s bristles poking out of the bushes and, to his bad eyesight, it looked like a little mouse. He put up his back and hissed at the mouse, trying to scare it away from the feast laid out for him and his foxy friend.
This show of apparent bravado with an old house cat staring down a wild ass boar convinced the assembled would-be animal assassins that this was one seriously mean pussy cat. The boar fled into some much thicker bushes farther away; the bear scrambled down from the first tree and clambered up into a much higher tree; the wolf cowered behind a bunch of oak trees; and the hare fucked right off as fast as he could. The cat didn’t fully understand what had happened, but he did know that the feast was still there. Even though their hosts were nowhere to be seen, the cat and the fox sat down at the table and ate themselves silly. They gobbled down the bacon and the honey and headed back to their little home licking their paws. And unlike the Fox and the Hound, Foxey-Woxey and Mister Shaggy Matthew lived happily ever after. What do you know? Two happy endings in one episode. Just this once, everyone lives.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re going to follow another plucky commoner on his quest to demand answers from the gods themselves. But, you know, politely. You’ll see where magic anime artifacts come from, where dragons come from, and where rainbows lead. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s my new favorite monster – a heavenly dragon that eats the rich for being assholes. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.