Episode 93 – Magic the Hedghog – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 93 Show Notes

Source: European Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’ve got a hedgehog on a rooster – your argument is invalid. You’ll learn what happens when you wish too hard, what a hedgehog’s favorite instrument is, and why you should obey legally binding contracts. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’re headed into the grimdark world of…chickens? This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 93, “Magic the Hedgehog”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story is a weird one, even by our usual standards. It’s about a hedgehog-human hybrid who gets up to some hilarious hijinks. Picture the abomination that was the Sonic the Hedgehog images that were released before the internet complained and made him less terrifying. That’s basically our boy Hans. There are actually quite a few versions of this story across a number of European countries, but we’re going to be using the one collected by our old buddies The Brothers Grimm.
Once upon a time, there was a successful farmer and his wife. They had a great deal of land and enough money to live quite comfortably; they were mostly happy with their lives, but the one thing missing was a child. They went to the city often, and the other peasants would mock the couple for not having children (which was pretty shitty of them). This happened often enough that one day, he came home enraged. He shook his fist at the heavens and shouted “I must have a child, any child, even if it’s only a hedgehog or some bullshit!”
It appeared that someone upstairs heard him screaming his frustration for soon thereafter, his wife was pregnant. They were overjoyed as you might expect, although things got a bit more…complicated when the child was born. See, whomever had been listening to the farmer had really been listening and, in some real monkey’s paw shit, the baby was born a boy from the waist down but a hedgehog from the waist up. He was, in fact, a hedgehog or some bullshit. His wife was horrified by the strange creature in her arms and clearly blamed her husband for wishing for this, even if he hadn’t really meant it the way it was taken.
The farmer shrugged. “I mean, I’m sorry that I wasn’t more careful with my words. I really didn’t think it would change anything. We wanted a kid and now we have one, sort of, so there’s really nothing to be done but baptize him and raise him as well as we can. We can’t really ask anyone to be his godfather though; that would just be too weird, right?” His wife nodded slowly. “I guess that makes sense. His name will be Hans-My-Hedgehog because with a child this strange, you simply have to give him a completely on-the-nose name.
Thus was Hans brought to the pastor to be baptized. For his part, the pastor was completely cool with it. He did point out that the boy’s parents were going to have to come up with some unusual sleeping arrangements. With his sharp quills, he wouldn’t be able to sleep in an ordinary bed. Everyone agreed that this was the case, and so a bed of straw was made behind the stove for Hans to sleep in. They quickly realized that breastfeeding was right out as well since his quills proved quite perilous. It’s not clear if they fed him something else instead or if he just starved somehow surviving in spite of the neglect. What is clear is that, after 8 years of the half-human half-hedgehog Hans sleeping behind the stove, his father was sick of him and wished that he would just hurry up and die already. Despite the horrible neglect, Hans just lay there and survived.
As it so happened, there was a fair in the city that seemed like a lot of fun. The farmer decided that he deserved a break and wanted to go to the fair. Besides, it was a good opportunity for networking for the farmer to sell his goods. He could have gone with his wife, a little date night, but he decided to go alone (and since he was hoping Hans would die, I can’t imagine it would be out of concern). He did have the basic decency to ask his wife what she wanted him to bring her back from the fair. She asked for a little meat, some bread rolls, and some necessities for the household. He then asked their servant girl what she wanted, which turned out to be a pair of slippers and some fancy stockings. Finally, he asked Hans-My-Hedgehog what he wanted from the fair. All he asked for was some bagpipes, which is kind of an odd choice for an eight year old.
The farmer went to the fair, had a grand old time, and returned with all of the things that everyone had asked for, even the bagpipes for Hans. The farmer might be an emotional iceberg of a father, but he was not a complete tool. Hans was thrilled to have his new instrument, and decided that it was a truly momentous occasion. “Dad, could you go to the blacksmith’s and have my riding rooster shod? If you do, I’ll ride away on it and never come back.” As previously noted, the farmer was not going to be winning any father of the year awards and he was more than happy to see his hedgehog son vanish forever. He went immediately to get rooster shoes I guess for the chicken that Hans rode (who, based on context clues, I’m assuming was small enough to ride a large chicken rather than having a monstrous rooster). As promised, Hans climbed on his rooster’s back and rode away, taking some pigs and donkeys with him to raise on his own in the forest.
They lived there in the woods, the rooster flying him up into the branches of a tall tree. He sat there and watched over the donkeys and the pigs munching happily on the forest floor. He sat up there for years (again, it’s not clear if he took breaks to eat or if he just didn’t need to), watching as his herds grew larger and larger. He definitely didn’t contact his father during this time, who also never spared a thought about his vanished hedgehog son who had ridden off on a chicken at the ripe old age of eight. Hans passed the time sitting up in the tree by playing beautiful music on his bagpipes.
One day, a king happened to be wandering in the woods. He wasn’t exactly alone, but kings wandering lost in the woods seems to happen far too often in fairy tales. Anyway, this king was definitely lost and had followed the beautiful, mysterious music. As they approached, the king sent a servant to go and check out the source just in case, you know, it was dangerous. The servant did as he was ordered because what else was he going to do and was a bit surprised to see a rooster sitting high up on a branch of one of the trees with a hedgehog on its back playing the bagpipes. Even in a fairytale kingdom, that’s not something you see every day.
The servant went back to the king to dutifully report this strange occurrence and, as soon as he convinced everyone that his eyes were fine thank you very much, he was sent back to ask for directions back to the kingdom. There was more than just the one kingdom in these parts but apparently hedgehogs have a great sense of direction because Hans did in fact know the way. He introduced himself politely and climbed down from the tree. After the servant explained the situation, Hans-My-Hedgehog offered to show them the way personally if the king would promise in writing to give him the first thing that greeted him at the royal court upon his arrival home. For those of you watching The Witcher, this tradition would roughly be where the Law of Surprise comes from.
The servant went back to the king again and conveyed Hans’ offer. The king considered it and, being an asshole (as kings often are), he decided to screw the helpful hedgehog over. “I can’t imagine that a tiny hedgehog living all alone out in the woods can read or write. I bet I can just write down whatever the fuck I want and he won’t know the difference.” He grabbed a pen and some paper, scribbled some bullshit, and sent the servant back to collect their new guide. Assuring Hans that his terms were agreed to and all signed, nice and legal like, he led them safely to the kingdom.
In the castle, the king’s daughter saw the small procession coming and, overjoyed that her father had finally returned, rushed out to greet him. She swept her father into a huge bear hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek. The king hugged the princess back, happy to be home, but he couldn’t help but think about Hans and his condition for leading them here. He pulled her aside and told her the whole story about finding the odd hedgehog riding a rooster and playing the bagpipes in the wood, about promising Hans the first thing that greeted him at home, and about lying to Hans and writing down that this would actually not happen since Hans couldn’t read and wouldn’t know better. The princess was relieved to hear this and told her father that she wouldn’t have gone with him anyway. They both had a good laugh at the expense of old gullible Hans.
And…absolutely nothing happened. Hans went back to the woods with his rooster, his bagpipes, and his herd of donkeys and pigs without anything at all happening to the king and princess for breaking the deal. Huh. This was apparently a very busy forest for wandering kings because it wasn’t long before a more different king got lost there. Like the other king, he too heard the bagpipes drifting through the trees and went to look for it. Likewise, he sent a messenger to go and check on the source, who was surprised at the sight of a tiny hedgehog on a regular-sized chicken playing bagpipes in a tree. The messenger asked what he was doing all the way out here in the middle of nowhere. “I’m tending my pigs and donkeys, of course. What can I do for you?”
The messenger told Hans that they were lost in the woods and asked for his help in getting back to their kingdom (which is, to be clear, a second kingdom with a second king). Hans climbed down amicably and once again offered to be their guide home if the king would agree in writing to give Hans the first thing that they met when they got to the castle. The king agreed to the terms and signed a pledge to that effect. Not being a total asshat, he actually wrote down the terms they had agreed to rather than cheating Hans.
Everyone in agreement, Hans led the way on his rooster. Once again, Hans seemed to have a great sense of direction and was able to lead them home easily. This king also had a daughter who was watching anxiously for her father’s return. When she saw his retinue approaching, she rushed out to give her father a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She asked him where he had been and what had happened to him that kept him away for so long. He told her the whole story about getting lost and finding the half-hedgehog on his rooster in the tree. His face fell as he got to the part about promising Hans the first thing that met them when they reached the castle, which turned out to be her. He was sorry about that, he hadn’t expected it to turn out like this. She hugged her father again and told him that she was just glad he was home. If that was the price, then she would gladly pay it.
Once more…nothing at all happened. Hans rode his rooster back to the woods to watch his ever-growing herd of pigs and donkeys. In time, he had so many animals that they damn near filled the forest. Hans was satisfied. Time to go home. Hans sent a message to his father (how is not exactly explained) saying that he was coming back to the village with a large herd of pigs, big enough in fact that anyone who wanted to could take part in the slaughter and get themselves some tasty pork.
Hans’ father was not exactly thrilled to hear from his half-hedgehog son. They hadn’t heard a word from him for many years and he had kind of hoped that his son had long since died. Seriously, no father of the year award for you. Not caring much about his father’s reaction, Hans mounted up and drove his enormous herd into the village to be butchered. The commotion of so many animals being killed one after the other was so loud that it could be heard two hours away. I can’t even imagine the smell.
Once it was done (and the streets pretty much ran red with blood), Hans-My-Hedgehog went back to his father. “Go to the blacksmith and have my rooster shod one more time. Once that’s done, I’ll ride away and never come back to this hellhole as long as I live. Deal?” His shity father, happy at the prospect of getting rid of his abomination of a son once and for all, agreed. The rooster got fresh shoes and then Hans rode out for good. It was finally time to collect.
Hans rode to the first kingdom to seek out the princess that had been promised to him. The king, really doubling down on shittyness, had ordered that if anyone was spotted riding up on a rooster and carrying bagpipes, he was to be murdered with extreme prejudice. Specifically, he should be shot at, struck down, and then stabbed repeatedly to make sure he never got close enough to even see the castle. Thus it was that Hans was shot at as he rode into the kingdom. Being a very small target, he was hard to hit so the soldiers pulled out their bayonets and charged. There are benefits to riding a rooster – namely, flight. They launched themselves into the air, soaring over the gate and landing on the king’s windowsill.
“Hey asshole, remember me? You made a promise to me and instead of honoring it, you tried to have me murdered! That’s not cool, dude. I held up my end of the bargain, so now it’s time for you to pay up. Now, or it’ll cost you and your daughter your lives.” On the one hand, a tiny half-hedgehog on a rooster can’t be all that terrifying. On the other hand, he’d gotten into the king’s bedroom through the entire army, so he clearly has skills. The king decided that cowardice was the better part of discretion and told the princess to go see Hans to save both their lives.
The princess wept but she put on a white dress and prepared to marry a tiny half-human weirdo. Her father gave her a carriage with six proud horses, a retinue of servants, lots of money, and property as a dowry. She climbed up into the carriage and Hans-My-Hedgehog climbed up beside her with his rooster and bagpipes. They said farewell to the terrified king and rode off. Her father was devastated, certain that he would never see his beloved daughter again.
Hans and the princess traveled a short distance from the city and then pulled off to the side of the road. He tutted disapprovingly at her for the deceit and then ripped her clothes off, leaving her naked and trembling in fear. Then, he raked her delicate skin with his quills until she was bloody and screaming. “This is the reward for your treachery. Go the fuck home. I’m not gonna marry you. May the rest of your days be wretched.” The princess fled, naked and blood-soaked and terrified and her days were cursed forever after. Seems like a pretty harsh punishment for the woman who agreed with her terrible father’s trick but had nothing to do with the actual deceit. Why not punish, you know, the dude who lied to you? I guess that’s why I’m not a half-hedgehog bagpipe player who rides a rooster.
Hans didn’t give the princess or her father another thought. He mounted up his riding rooster and headed to the second kingdom. He was a little bit worried that this kingdom had also been ordered to murder him on sight if he tried to collect on his debt, but he was pleasantly surprised. The army saw Hans coming on his rooster with his bagpipes and promptly saluted him before escorting him to the castle in an honorary procession. He was brought before the princess, who was not exactly thrilled about this arrangement but was willing to honor the bargain that had saved her father’s life. Hans was strange and terrifying but she swallowed her fear and welcomed him to the kingdom. They were promptly married and he was sat beside his new bride at the royal table for a feast.
They ate and drank the night away but eventually it was time for bed and all that means on a wedding night. She was understandably afraid of his many sharp quills, but he reassured her that it would be okay. He swore he would not hurt her (fortunately, she didn’t know about the first princess’ fate). Hans told the old king to have four men keep watch by their bedroom door that night and asked that they build a large fire. He would give them something that night and they were to throw it on the fire and watch until it burned to ash.
Eleven o’clock came and Hans went into the bedroom. He stripped off his fucking skin (presumably standing around in his flayed flesh like something out of a horror movie) and called for the guards. They rushed in, took one look at the bloody monstrosity standing there, and decided to follow orders so that this would not be their problem. They grabbed the hedgehog skin and ran back out of the room to the fire. They stood there, asking each other just what the fuck had happened, as they watched the skin burn away.
When it was gone, Hans was redeemed (for what is not exactly clear since he was a half-hedgehog from birth) and lay there in fully human form but charred coal-black by the heat of the fire that had burned his skin. The king summoned the royal doctor, who washed Hans and dressed his wounds with salves and medicines until his skin was healthy and pale. In fact, he was quite a handsome man. The princess, who had to have been watching this bizarre procedure with shock and horror, was relieved to see how it ended up. Her new husband was now a handsome man. They had another feast the next day to celebrate Hans’ transformation and his new position as heir to the kingdom.
Some years of wedded bliss later, Hans and his wife traveled back to the little village he had been born in to meet his parents. He presented himself at their home and announced that he was their son. Remember, Hans’ father fully wanted his son to die and he was not on board with this self-proclaimed kid. He declared that he had no son. Once, there had been a son but that child had been born with quills like some miserable hedgehog and had gone off into the world never to be seen again and good riddance. Hans explained that he actually was Hans but he was fully human now. His judgmental-ass father was overjoyed to find he now had a normal son (and a prince to boot) so he accepted the two of them happily. That’s the mixed-review ending here I guess, though I still don’t like Hans’ dad (though I might be bringing some personal baggage there but whatevs). And that means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s selfish character is the little hen.
Given that Hans-My-Hedgehog rode a rooster in place of a horse, I thought it would be fun to keep the theme going with another Grimm Brothers story about chickens. Buckle up – this is a very Brothers Grimm story. Once upon a time, there was a little hen and a little rooster. They were both feeling peckish (pun intended) and so decided to go to Nut Mountain which, despite the name, is not a euphemism for sex. It was a literal mountain where a lot of nut trees grew. The place had already been pretty thoroughly picked over before the story starts, so the bird pair agreed that if either of them found a nut, they would share the meal.
They split up to cover more ground and began their search. It was tedious work but, at long last, the little hen found a nice fat nut. The innuendos are just going to keep happening given that it’s a story about nuts and a cock so feel free to make the jokes yourself – there are just too many. Searching had made her very hungry and, despite their agreement, she decided that she wanted this fat nut all to herself. Instead of calling out to the rooster, she gobbled down the nut. Or rather, she tried because this nut was just too large to get down her throat and it got stuck. Uh oh.
Despite the fact that choking usually makes it kind of hard to talk, the little hen managed to shout for the rooster. She was very much afraid that she was going to choke to death, so she yelled out for him to run fetch some water from the nearest well before the nut stuck in her throat killed her. The rooster immediately raced off as fast as he could to the well. Fortunately, this was a magic well that a rooster with no hands could manage to get water out of. Unfortunately, it was also a magic well that talked. “Well, give me some water please! The little hen is lying on Nut Mountain, choking to death on a huge nut that she swallowed!”
The well considered. “Okay, you can have some of my water but first I need you to go to the bride and get some red silk from her.” Why does a well need red silk? No clue. Squawking at the delay, the rooster ran off to find the bride. “Please, bride, may I have some red silk? I need to give it to the well so that the well will give me some water to take to the little hen who is choking on a nut over on Nut Mountain!” The bride considered. “I suppose I can part with some of my red silk but it’s very valuable, so first I need you to go and fetch my wreath. It got caught on a willow branch over there.” Squawking in exasperation at the increasing train of requirements on this annoying fetch quest, he raced off to the willow tree to grab the bride’s wreath.
In exchange for the wreath, she gave the rooster some red silk. In exchange for the red silk, the well gave the rooster some water. Having finally completed his mission, he raced back to Nut Mountain to save the little hen from choking. Wanna guess what happens next? If you guessed that this whole complicated ordeal took way too long and the little hen was already long dead – ding ding ding! Yeah, it’s almost like you have to fix choking pretty goddamned quickly or it’s fatal (although I don’t think the water would honestly have helped matters much, so maybe she was doomed from the start).
The rooster was understandably distraught that after trying so very, very hard to save her, the little hen was dead. He sat down beside her body and cried long and loud and hard. Other animals came to see what was happening and joined in the mourning. Everyone had liked the little hen. Six mice built her a small carriage to carry her body to a final resting place with dignity. Once it was ready, they hitched themselves to it and the rooster drove. As they rode along in the slow funeral procession, they met the fox.
“Where are you going, little rooster? What’s all the fuss about?” “The little hen died. We’re taking her to be buried.” “Oh, bummer. Mind if I ride along with you?” “I guess that would be okay, but you need to sit on the back of the cart. You make the mice nervous being right behind them – they’ll feel more comfortable with a little more distance.” The fox agreed that this was reasonable and hopped on the back of the carriage. They rode on, wolf, bear, elk, lion, and all the animals of the forest riding on the back of the carriage (pulled by some incredibly buff mice apparently) until they came to a brook. It was surprisingly large, certainly large enough to be a problem for a chicken-sized carriage pulled by mice.
The rooster was distraught. “How in the hell are we supposed to cross that?” A long piece of straw was lying next to the brook and it was apparently a magic piece of straw because it could also talk. “I can help. Lay me across the brook and then the mice can walk across safely. I bet I can even support the carriage.” That seems like an awfully dicey proposition to me, but the rooster and the mice thought it was the best idea they could think of. All six mice climbed on the straw and started across the water. They got about halfway when the straw broke (because of course it did) and fell into the water. All six mice fell in and, unable to swim very well, they all drowned. Hey, I warned you this was a Brothers Grimm story.
Rooster was devastated and had no idea what to do next. A live coal came rolling down the hill (from where, I have no idea because that’s a very random object to just wander by). It had heard what had happened. It too could talk and offered to lay across the water as a bridge. I mean, this is a live coal, which means it’s basically on fire, but no one objected. The coal laid itself across the water, which is a very bad place for a coal to be. When the brook touched the hot coal it hissed and steamed and died, breaking apart and falling into the water. Well, shit.
A stone watched this and it turned out to also talk and also be willing to lay across the water as a bridge. I don’t know why the rock didn’t speak up first since it’s a lot sturdier, but maybe it’s just a slow thinker what with being made of stone and all. Rooster hitched himself to the carriage and pulled it along, while all of the other animals climbed in the back. I don’t know why they didn’t just walk, but there it is. Rooster had to strain to pull the heavy load, but he made it across the stone safely, pulling the carriage. Unfortunately, a cart loaded down with a bunch of heavy animals is a bigger load than a single chicken and the stone rolled under the weight. All of the animals tumbled into the water and apparently none of them could swim for they all drowned. Miraculously, the body of the little hen stayed on the rock and so rooster was able to retrieve it. Unfortunately, he was now all alone with her cold corpse and the guilt of all of the dead animals who had tried to follow him. He dug her a little grave in a pretty spot that she had always liked, made a mound atop it, and then sat there grieving until he too died. And then everyone was dead, no happy ending, life is pain. Seriously. The last line of the story is just ‘and then everyone was dead.’ That pretty much sums up Brothers Grimm stories.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’re headed to the desert to do some gambling long before Las Vegas was a thing. You’ll see that animals make great game pieces, that you shouldn’t wager people, and that the gods don’t like it when you win too often, even if you’re also a god. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the world’s fastest growing child who has some very cool powers. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.