Episode 72Q – On the Road Again – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 72Q Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, Odysseus is going to find help in unexpected places. You’ll see that it’s a bad idea to creep around a princess, that sometimes hiding is easy, and what to do if someone asks you if you’re a god. Then, in Gods and Monsters, Zeus is going to get freaky with a cow instead of as one. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 72Q, “On the Road Again”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, we’d picked up just after the end of the Trojan War. . Things had gone bad almost immediately, and wise Odysseus had led his men into disaster after disaster: getting bloodied after raiding a random city for shits and giggles, getting his men stoned on premium lotus, getting men killed in the home of Polyphemus the Cyclops and then getting cursed by said Cyclops because Odysseus was too prideful not to reveal his real name, almost getting home before getting blown off course again, getting most of the crew eaten by cannibal giants, cavorting with a sorceress for a year, traveling to the Underworld for some advice that they’re all going to ignore, surviving the sirens but losing more men to Scylla and Charybdis, and then getting everyone but Odysseus himself killed after eating the sun god’s cattle (despite having been warned not to in the Underworld). Floating aimlessly on the shattered remains of his ship, Odysseus drifted to the island of the nymph Calypso where he became her boy toy for seven long years until Athena finally convinced the other gods to cut the guy a break. We then headed to Ithaca, where suitors are squatting in Odysseus’ palace to try and make his wife Penelope marry one of them and make them king instead of the prince Telemachus. A trip to find news of his father resulted in stories, but no concrete information. Penelope found out that her son had snuck out to go galavanting and had a bit of a breakdown, especially after learning that the suitors were planning to murder Telemachus. Odysseus finally headed back towards the known world, only to be knocked ass over teakettle by a last cheap shot from Poseidon. After desperately avoiding multiple flavors of certain death, he washed ashore on a remote island he’d at least heard of and, thanks to more help from Athena, had been found by the local princess Nausicaa and had begged her for help.
Nausicaa was understandably quite uncertain whether it was safe to help this ragged, naked man hiding his dick and balls with mixed success behind a bundle of leaves. He’d been on the open sea for weeks before crashing ashore here and taking a little nap in a pile of leaves in the woods. I think most people with even an ounce of self-preservation would take one look at this bedraggled stranger and wonder if he’s about to murder everyone. Fortunately for Odysseus, Athena had chosen this ‘random’ encounter well, and Nausicaa had a strongly developed sense of duty, which included helping random wanderers in obvious need.
She looked him over from head to toe, considered for a moment, and then made her decision. “Stranger, you are among friends here. I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I’d wager that you’re not a wicked man and no one’s fool. Zeus hands out fortunes as he sees fit, and he has decided to load you up with pain it seems. As you’re no doubt aware, you don’t really have much choice but to bear it with a grin but you can relax now and set your burden aside awhile. You’ve reached my kingdom and, while you are here, you’ll never lack for clothing or anything else you need. I will be your guide, stranger, and show you who the Phaeacians are and what kind of kingdom my father, King Alcinous, runs here.”
Nausicaa might have been brave and bold enough to stand firm in the face of this terrifying naked danger, but her handmaids were not princesses and had no such obligations. They had therefore made the utterly rational decision to get the fuck out of there as fast as their legs could carry them. They were hightailing it out of there even as Nausicaa and Odysseus had their very civilized discussion. She noticed them fleeing and called out to them. “Stop, friends! Are you really going to run away from one naked man? Surely you don’t think he’s an enemy do you? That’s obviously ridiculous since the Olympians would never let anyone reach our shores with destruction in store – they love us too much for that to ever happen (and we live too far away from anyone who might be inclined to test that theory).
“This poor ragamuffin has somehow drifted out here at the edge of the world and he clearly needs our help. Strangers and beggars are under the protection of Zeus himself, and he expects us to help this man out as though he were a god in disguise (which he very well could be). Help me find this man some food and drink while he bathes off the filth and salt in the river. Not to be mean, but he’s pretty ripe and really needs a wash.”
Having been given the nod from their leader, the other young women came back to help out. They were still understandably nervous but also determined to do as their princess bid, so they teased each other as they led Odysseus down to a sheltered spot on the river where he could bathe out of the cruel teeth of the wind. While he washed off, someone ran and grabbed him a shirt and cloak to wear, which was a lot more effective than his makeshift branch had been, and they also brought a flask of sweet oil to rub him down with. Having overcome their fear, they seemed determined to wash this ruggedly handsome man themselves and oil his muscles down with curious hands, but it was now Odysseus’ turn to feel embarrassed by this whole situation. He might have beguiled and bedded some of the most beautiful goddesses in the world, but having a bunch of young, giggling girls wash him was beyond the pale. “Thanks for the oil (gods, how long has it been since I’ve had proper oil to rub myself with) but if you wouldn’t mind hanging out…anywhere but here? It would be super embarrassing to stand stark naked before a group of lovely girls in intricate braids.”
Duly chastened but still giggling, the handmaids ran off to find Nausicaa and report back. While they were gone, Odysseus scrubbed the brine and grime from weeks of hardship from his shoulders and cleaned the sweat and oil from his hair and beard. Once he was done, he felt a new man as he dressed in clean clothes. The mortals may not have been getting an eyeful of Odysseus as he bathed and dressed, but Athena certainly was. Like she had for Telemachus, she worked a little divine mojo to make him seem taller and more muscular. As a little cherry on top, she added a little extra curl to his hair like thick hyacinth clusters in full bloom. The entire effect was something right out of Hollywood. Draped in glory, he wandered down to the beach to watch the water.
Princess Nausicaa found her way back to where she had left Odysseus and saw him standing like the epic hero he totally was. He was much, much older than she was but he was easily the most handsome man she had ever seen and had just a touch of restrained danger to make him seem utterly intriguing. The sight of him took her breath away, and she turned to her maids with wonder tingeing her words. “Friends, the Olympian gods can’t possibly be completely against this strange man. I mean, yeah he seemed like a wild beast when we first found him, dirty and ragged, but now he looks like a literal god strutting along our shores. If only a man like that could be my husband and live here with me…” She shook herself out of her momentary daydream. “Enough chatter, girls. Let’s feed the man.” The maids, who had all been sharing in her charming vision, snapped out of it and scurried off to obey.
It took all of the restraint he had to eat without spraying food everywhere in his haste. He was ravenous, having finished the stores on his raft well before he had reached shore. It seemed like years since he had last tasted real food. The girls sat around and watched as he devoured the small feast like a dangerous animal in a zoo until he had finished every scrap. Folding all of the clothes that they had come to the river to wash in the first place, they loaded them up onto the cart. Nausicaa climbed up and then invited her guest to join her. “Come on, friend. Up you go. We’ll head into town and I’ll introduce you to all the best Phaeacians.”
She thought for a moment and then realized that if she, princess of the island, came into town accompanied by a handsome stranger, it would cause an uproar. “On second thought, we should head in separately. You seem like a wise man to me, so you’ll understand why we need to handle this…delicately. I’ll lead the way with the cart, with my maids trailing behind. You follow along behind us at a reasonable distance so that, when we pass all the fieldhands, no tongues start to wag. We’ll head into the city proper, through the walls, and along the causeway to the city’s fine harbor. Being an island nation, we don’t care much for bows and spears, but for masts and oars, for the glory of ships crossing the wine-dark sea. Of course, the old salts that haunt the docks might gossip if they see you following in my footsteps. They’ll suspect that we’re having a tryst, that I mean to take a foreign stranger as my husband, which they won’t be happy about. Hell, even I would be horrified by a girl who carried on like that.
“Tell you what – head down the road until you find a huge, beautiful grove of poplar trees sacred to Athena with a spring bubbling merrily in the center. That grove marks the edge of my father’s estate, just within shouting distance of the town proper. Go there and rest a bit while we head to my father’s house. Give us time to get there ahead of you, then follow along. You can ask anyone for directions to the palace of generous King Alcinous. You can’t miss it, and literally anyone could guide you, even a child. Once you’re there, head inside and go to the main hall to find my mother. She’s almost always sitting beside the fire spinning yarn into sea-blue wool with her ladies drawn up around her. You’ll see my father’s throne not far from where she sits, and he’ll probably be sitting in it like a god among mortals. Don’t approach him, but go straight to my mother and grab her by the knees to ask for her help. She’s a generous, kind woman and getting her on your side is your best bet for getting help from the court.”
Satisfied that Odysseus was on board with her scheme, Nausicaa flicked the whip to get the mules moving back towards the city. She kept a steady but comfortable pace so that her maids (and the discretely trailing Odysseus) could keep up on foot. By the time they reached the hallowed grove, the sun was dipping towards the horizon. As discussed, Odysseus broke off there and sat down under the tree. Given the convenient location, he figured it prudent to offer up a little prayer to his patron goddess (who this grove served as a natural shrine to). “Daughter of Zeus, who holds the thunder as her shield, hear my call. You turned a deaf ear when I called your name out on the wild waves when Poseidon wrecked my pitiful raft, so hear me now. Here among the Phaecians, may I find some small piece of mercy and aid.”
Athena, who far from having abandoned her favorite crafty soldier had been invisibly dogging his footsteps, was of course physically there to hear him. If he were many other mortals, this bit of disrespect could have earned him some really nasty, creative punishment; she liked him though, so she just smiled fondly. She still wasn’t quite ready to reveal herself to him, at least not without a very thin, easily seen through disguise. She might oppose her uncle Poseidon in this matter, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still somewhat in awe of the rage that churned his domain against Odysseus to try and keep him from his native land.
While Odysseus was kvetching to the gods – again – Nausicaa was driving her team to the gates of her father’s splendid halls. As she drew up, her brothers, built like Hollywood-esque gods (as so many on this island were), clustered around her to unhitch the mules and unload the clothes. Nausicaa left them to their work and made her way to her bedroom. Her chambermaid, an old woman named Eurymedusa from Apiraea, lit a fire to drive away the chill from the stones. She had been carried to this isolated island by the rolling ships years ago and had been claimed by the king as his personal prize (by which I definitely mean slave), a gift from his people who served him like a god.
Odysseus figured that enough time had passed by now, so he stood up, stretched, and headed towards the palace. Now, the friendliness of the young princess (who had been softened up in her dreams by the wiles of Athena) had given him maybe an overly optimistic view of the island’s people. Given their isolation and insular society, the Phaeacians were more than a little xenophobic and didn’t tend to be overly fond of outsiders. Nausicaa’s concern about how people would react to her showing up with a sexy stranger on her arm was less about saucy rumors and more about torches and pitchforks. The problem with being so completely isolated is that you don’t know what things are idiosyncratic, so Nausicaa didn’t think to warn Odysseus about this in any kind of direct way. Instead, she left him to make his way into the palace of the king who ruled as a god of a kind but deeply suspicious people on his own. This had the potential to go very, very wrong even without any nudging by an angry Poseidon.
On the other hand, all that it would take to keep this powder keg from exploding would be a nudge from Athena, who just so happens to be on hand. As usual. Seriously, doesn’t she have anything else going on? She once again took an active hand, disguising herself as a random young Phaeacian girl. She placed herself, holding a pitcher to fetch water from the local well, so that she would be the first person Odysseus would see on his way in. Predictably, he saw this utterly non-threatening child and figured that she would make the perfect guide. “Hey there, little girl. You wouldn’t happen to know the way to the palace of a guy called Alcinous? He’s supposed to be the king around here, or so I’ve heard. I’m a stranger you see, loaded with a world of troubles, and I’ve wound up here on this far-off shore without a friend or a way home. I don’t know anyone and could really use some help.”
The little girl, with unnervingly wise, old eyes, nodded at Odysseus. “Of course, kind stranger person. The king lives right beside my own father, so I know the way to the palace. Follow me, and make sure not to look anyone in the eyes on the way and keep your mouth shut as we walk. The men here are suspicious of strangers and would be less than thrilled if they heard that foreign accent of yours. Gods know what they would do if they knew you were from outside. The only thing they actually like are their sleek, fast ships that fly across the mighty ocean of the great Poseidon.”
Odysseus started to answer then caught himself with a small smile. He put a finger to his lips and nodded, following after the darting form of the slender goddess in disguise as she led the way. As they raced through the city gates, Athena added some divine magic to this whole affair. Not speaking was good, but it would be better if the Phaeacian men never saw him in the first place. To that end, she poured out a thick cloud of enchanted obscuring mist. The sailors lounging around the docks never saw Odysseus passing through, giving the old salt a chance to marvel at the tall ships tied at the docks where the great lords met for assembly as well as the tall, stout ramparts of the palace ringed in a thick palisade of sharpened stakes.
Since no one could see the goddess or the mortal as they passed, no one tried to stop them as they headed in to see the king. “Here we are, strange man. This is the palace of the king, just like you asked. The beloved princes, favored by the gods, are inside right now, feasting and drinking. Head on inside, stranger, and fear nothing. Fortune favors the bold, even wild wanderers from distant shores. Queen Arete will be the first person you encounter inside the halls, the answer to our prayers and from the same sacred blood as our great king Alcinous himself. Nausinthous, son of Poseidon, Lord of Earthquakes and our first ruler, hailed from the line of Eurymedon who ruled the giants. That asshole had run his clan to ruin and gotten himself killed in the bargain, but that didn’t make Poseidon lust after his daughter Periboea any less and from their of course fertile sexing came Nausithous.
“Now lionhearted Nausithous had two sons, Rhexenor and Alcinous. Rhexenor grew up and got married, but he was cut down by Apollo with his silver bow, leaving a lone daughter behind named Arete. Yes, that Arete and that Alcinous – his wife is his niece. I guess they’ve got just enough godly blood for it to be okay. It helps that she’s a fantastic queen, wise and beloved by everyone, especially the king. She’s got a gift for brokering peace between even the most argumentative of men, offering just and wise judgments. If you can make her take your side, you’ll have the full resources of this island kingdom at your disposal.”
With this helpful assurance (and mini history lesson on the dual ick factor of royal and godly incest), she raced back out into the night and flashed away over the barren sea to the city of Marathon and then the broad streets of Athens. She sped down the avenues to the halls of Erechtheus where Athena kept her stronghold in the mortal world.
Odysseus shrugged at this weirdly specific story from this oddly insightful little girl and turned to the famous house of Alcinous. As he approached the threshold, a confusing rush of feelings stirred in his heart, slowing his steps and bringing him to a stop just shy of the door. The bronze decor glittered in the light shining from inside, a radiance as bright and brilliant as the full moon or the rising sun. The walls were plated in bronze, carved into an intricate frieze glazed a brilliant blue, and were set with solid golden doors. Silver doorposts rose to a silver lintel hung with golden hooks and guarded by dogs carved from silver and gold by the cunning hand of Hephaestus himself. They were more than simple statues, but magical guard dogs for the king’s palace, immortal, ageless, and unsleeping.
Intricately carved thrones for the lords of the kingdom flanked the room on either side in a long unbroken line from the outer gate to the inner chamber, each draped with the finely spun weavings of the noble ladies and the queen herself. As skilled as the Phaeacian men were at sailing and ship building, the Phaeacian women were equally skilled at weaving. Athena had gifted them with clever hands and clever minds. The story goes on like that, getting into ridiculous detail as to the orchards and vineyards, but we’re gonna fast forward a little. The moment of awe passed after Odysseus contemplated all of these very overt signs of great power and wealth, and he headed inside to meet his fate.
Unaware that Athena’s magical fog was still shrouding his movements, he marched down the hallways utterly unopposed and unremarked by anyone, allowing him to reach the great hall with ease, where the kingdom notables were holding a little festival in honor of Poseidon. Even as he strode out into the gathered people, no one saw him until he reached the king and queen and, as instructed, threw himself to his knees and grasped the queen by her knees in a sign of supplication and need. As he did this, Athena rolled back her mist, revealing this strange and slightly wild but undoubtedly charismatic and heroic man as he begged for help. Shocked silence immediately fell over the assembly, so his words rang out clear and true.
“Queen Arete, daughter of the godlike King Rhexenor – I have braved many dangers and survived countless trials to reach your shores and I have come to beg for mercy, for aid! You, your husband, your assembled guests – may the gods endow them all with great fortunes to hand down to their children in the tradition of this magnificent kingdom. As for myself, I only wish to leave, to return to my home. I have been kept away for many, many years and I want nothing except to return once more. If you could help me, could lend me a ship or even just a ride back to Ithaca, I would be eternally grateful!”
Odysseus bowed his head in a sign of submission beside the fire blazing in the hearth, and silence fell over everything once more. The great hall could have been filled with marble statues instead of people for how still and quiet it was. This simply did not happen, and no one quite knew how to respond. The brittle silence was broken by Echeneus, the eldest of the lords of Phaeacia as well as a revered local figure and a renowned speaker. He was moved by Odysseus’ words of woe and, lucky as ever, he was inclined towards kindness for the stranger. He encouraged the assembled notables to stop sitting around with their thumbs up their asses and help this man, clearly in need, to a chair to hear him out. He reminded them that Zeus, who was fond of his devastating lightning bolts, had a special soft spot for wanderers and supplicants and it wouldn’t do to mistreat a guest in the palace, wherever he might have wandered in from. The clear subtext to all of this was that, especially given his unexpected appearance right the fuck next to the king, this strange wanderer might very well be a god in disguise, maybe even Zeus himself, and it would be suicidal to mistreat him.
King Alcinous saw the wisdom of this advice and took Odysseus’ calloused hand in his own and personally helped him to a chair, kicking out one of his own sons to make room for their now honored guest (and not just any son, but his personal favorite Laodamas, who sat directly beside the king in a place of honor). At a signal, a maid brought in a golden pitcher of clear water and a silver basin so that the stranger could wash his hands (a sign of courtesy and welcome) before having a small table pulled up to his chair with bread and finger foods to calm his hunger. A grateful Odysseus dug into the food and water and when he had finished what had been set before him, the herald was summoned to formally begin the banquet and call the guests to a toast to Zeus.
The wine was mixed, libations were poured out to the gods (and especially to Zeus, patron of unexpected guests), and everyone drank deeply of the very fine vintage. Once the formalities were out of the way, King Alcinous stood to address the crowd. “Thank you all for coming to this festival. Before you all depart for your homes, I wanted to let everyone know that I am calling a full assembly of the elders at dawn to discuss providing our guest, who will of course sleep here tonight as an honored friend, his requested passage back to his home. We will do our utmost to set his feet on his native soil without any trouble or hardship on the way, since it sounds like he has endured greatly already. On the off chance that he happens to be one of the deathless gods, then they’ve apparently changed the game a little. Up until now, they’ve always come to see us face to face, to allow us to hold great feasts and glorious sacrifices in their honor. Since we’re all such close kin, as close as the wild Giants are to the Cyclopes, they’ve never tried to disguise themselves before. Well, at least as far as we know, I guess.”
Although Ghostbusters would disagree with him, Odysseus absolutely did not want the locals thinking he was a god. “Alcinous, no need to worry about that. I am absolutely, 100% not a god. I’m just your average, run of the mill vanilla mortal, though one saddled with an unusually heavy portion of grief and misfortune to be sure. I could spin one hell of a story from everything that’s happened to me in my attempts to get home, but it would be great if I could finish eating first. Hunger is a pain in the ass, but it won’t leave you alone until you feed it, you know? I’ll happily meet you all at first light, especially if you can really send me home. If I can even just see my homeland again, I can die a happy man.” That’s a bit of a lie since Odysseus made it close enough to hit with a rock when they had the bag of the winds back in Episode 72D and he’s a long way from happy, but the sentiment touched the assembled guests. They all burst into applause and loudly agreed with each other that of course they must help their new friend get home. The earnestness and honest pain in his voice was plain to hear and rang completely true (because, as we know, it was). They toasted again, poured out more libations to the gods, and then wandered home to their own beds to sleep until first light, when they would gather again to help out this still nameless but definitely not a god stranger.
Odysseus stayed behind to eat, seated beside the royal couple. Arete, who was every bit as clever as Athena had said, had already noticed that this stranger wore a shirt and a cloak that had come from her own household. It was clearly work that had come from her own hands and those of her maids, and that made her super duper suspicious of this entire heap of bullshit. “Okay, everyone’s gone now so it’s just us, and I’m not buying your crap. Who are you? Where are you from? Who gave you those clothes that you wear? Didn’t you say that you had washed up on our shores from the wild sea?”
Odysseus, himself a wily and careful man, realized where she was headed with this line of questioning and was a bit cagey in his answer. “It would take hours to tell you the story of my troubles from the beginning up until winding up here. The gods on Olympus have given me a bit more than my fair share, so it might be better for now to jump to the end. Far out across the empty ocean lies the island of Ogygia where Calypso, daughter of Atlas, makes her home. The beautiful nymph is the power there, and no one goes there without her permission, god or mortal. My cursed ass was cast onto her shores by chance or by fate after Zeus smashed my warship with a thunderbolt during a storm on the wine-dark sea. All of my loyal shipmates died in that catastrophe, but I managed to ride the wreckage for nine days until I drifted onto her shores.
“That lovely goddess took me in and healed me up and I lived with her for seven years. She wooed me, even promising to make me an immortal like herself, but I never stopped longing for my home and so she never won my heart. I don’t know why she changed her mind in the eighth year, but I didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. She offered to help me build a stout raft and gave me provisions for the long, deadly journey. I sailed away from Ogygia for 18 days before the shadow of your great mountain finally loomed on the horizon. That was when the god of earthquakes decided to torment me yet again, and I was thrown off of my raft and into the raging sea, but I managed to fight against the waves and make it to shore without being crushed against the cliffs. I made my way up a river until I found a place where I could pass out from exhaustion in relative safety. I hid myself in leaves and fell deeply asleep until your daughter happened by this morning with her maids. She’s an incredible woman, moving like a goddess among mortals, and while the others fled at my approach, she held her ground admirably. She offered me food and these clothes. That’s my story.”
The king gave Odysseus a look. “I do find one thing odd. It’s weird that she didn’t escort you here to the palace herself. After all, it was she you actually first asked for aid and shelter. It’s…impolite for her to have left you to your own devices like that.” Odysseus shook his head. “Your majesty, that was my choice. She urged me to come with her exactly as you said, but I worried that it would be a breach of etiquette. What if you were upset at seeing a strange older man wandering into town with your beautiful daughter? It would be a pretty fair reaction, to be honest. We mortals are by need and by nature a suspicious lot.”
Alcinous brushed this objection away. “Pshaw. I’m hardly a man for reckless, useless anger. Balance in all things, moderation in all things. You know, seeing the man that you are and the way your mind and manners work, it could be arranged for you to just…stay here. You know, wed my daughter, become my son in law, get a nice grand house and vast wealth. No Phaeacian would dare to stand against you.” It’s a weird jump for the king to go from concern about who this strange man is to offering his beloved daughter’s hand to the still-nameless and much older fellow because you liked the way he told a story. Odysseus is a charming bastard.
The king could see that Odysseus wasn’t really feeling this offer and continued. “If not, your journey home will begin tomorrow, as decreed. You’ll sleep through the entire voyage while my people sail you across the wide oceans without problems. We have a way with the waves, and we can have you there in a day, even if your home lies farther from here than Euboea, off at the very edge of the world. Hell, they once took King Rhadamanthys (one of the Judges of the Dead) out to visit Tityos (who just keeps popping up) and they made that trip there and back in a single day without even breaking a sweat. No worries, friend – we’ll get you home.”
This was beyond good news. This was beyond even the wildest hopes of the long-wandering warrior, and he praised Zeus for finally giving him a way to actually make it home in a clear, definitive timeframe. The queen had her maids make up a bed of purple linens for their guest and then left him to his rest as they retired to their own. Odysseus is maybe closer to reaching the shores of his long-sought homeland than he’s ever been, so we’re going to let him dream a little happy dream for now. There are still trials and tribulations ahead of the old sea captain, but for now, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is Argus Panoptes.
Argus was one of the great Giants of Greek mythology referenced by King Alcinous in his speech to Odysseus. His story is one of the oldest surviving tales from the ancient Greeks, predating the Homeric stories by a good bit. He was a devastatingly deadly warrior in the service of Hera, credited with slaying the Mother of Monsters, Echidna (who came up last in the story of Typhon in Episode 26H). Part of his power lay in his ever-wakeful nature as he had more than the usual number of eyes. In a fragment of the lost poem Aigimios, attributed to Hesiod, Argus was credited with four eyes – two looking forward and two looking back (not unlike the better known Roman god Janus). By the 5th century however, this number had grown to hundreds, with only two of them ever sleeping at any given time.
The main reason that Argus Panoptes (literally ‘the all-seeing’) is remembered today is for the role he played in the story of Io (which we alluded to briefly in Episode 72M). Io was an Argive princess, usually described as the daughter of King Inachus and the Oceanid nymph Melia (though as is so often the case, plenty of writers have a different family tree for this beautiful nymph). Whatever her parentage, Io was a priestess of Hera in Argos (not to be confused with our boy Argus). I’m betting that a lot of you can guess what happens next. That’s right – Zeus noticed this poor innocent mortal and decided to be a raging dick. The exact sequence of events varies from telling to telling. In the tragedy Prometheus Bound from the 5th Century BC, Zeus tried to seduce Io, who resisted his unwanted advances. The oracles warned her father that she was about to become the center of a godly shitstorm and recommended that she be kicked out of the house, and so she was left to wander the earth on her own.
The more common version has Zeus visiting Argos in the form of a big fluffy cloud. He then left this cloud hanging in the sky exactly between himself and Mount Olympus to block off Hera’s view of what he was about to do. Once he was convinced in his privacy, he ‘seduced’ the Naiad, and by seduce I definitely mean rape a priestess of his wife Hera. Yeah, this doesn’t end well. See, despite Zeus’ clever little scheme of ‘put a cloud on it’, Hera noticed that there was an unusually dense cloud hanging unnaturally still directly between her and the earth. It was weird and she was well aware of her husband’s wandering dick, so she headed down to her temple in Argos to investigate.
Zeus became aware of Hera’s imminent arrival moments before she broke through the cloud cover, so he panicked and did the only thing he could think of: he dusted off his favorite trick and he turned something into an animal. For once, he didn’t transform himself since he knew Hera would be expecting that. Instead, he changed Io into a beautiful, solid-white heifer. Hera then appeared on the scene to find Zeus standing alone in a field next to a cow, probably whistling as innocently as he knew how. If Parks and Rec had been a thing back then, he probably would have been humming the ‘don’t be suspicious’ thing to himself.
Hera…was not fooled. She knew exactly what the score was but, either to make her husband sweat a little or to show some small measure of mercy to her much-abused priestess, Hera played along. “Whatcha doin’, husband?” “Nothing. Just, you know. Chilling.” “With a cow?” “Uh, yeah. With a cow. Just chillin’ with a cow. Like you do. Yup. Okay then, see you at home.” “In a minute. I kind of want to see what all the fuss is about. I could use some chill time. With a cow. Maybe with that cow. It’s a very pretty thing, and she does seem very sweet. Maybe I could have her? As a gift? It’s been so long since you did anything nice for your wife, you know.” Zeus couldn’t think of a single good reason not to give her the cow that wouldn’t be an admission of guilt, so he begrudgingly agreed to give Hera the disguised Io.
Here is where our friendly neighborhood monster Argus shows up. Hera knew good and well that this cow was a disguised mortal woman that Zeus likely had every intention of retrieving and continuing to be his asshole sky god self with. She didn’t particularly want to let that happen, so she gave the heifer to Argus Panoptes and told him to take the cow to Hera’s sacred olive grove at Argive Heraion in Argos and then watch over her. With his hundred plus unsleeping eyes, he would make the perfect guardian and, having slain the terrible Echidna, he might be just dangerous enough to keep Zeus from bothering with the hassle of freeing her.
She was mostly right, but as usual, Zeus found a loophole. He absolutely didn’t feel like tangling with the Giant warrior over a mere nymph, but that didn’t mean his penis was done doing the thinking. He summoned the newest of the Olympians, our dear trickster god from last episode Hermes. Anxious to prove himself equal to his new role as an Olympian god, Hermes gladly accepted the task. Being a trickster and the god of thieves, he was not about to confront this massive bruiser in a stand-up fight that he might lose. Hermes is not one to get into any fight that could reasonably be described as ‘fair’.
Instead, Hermes disguised himself as a mortal shepherd so that he could wander to within sight of the sacred grove without arousing suspicion. In some versions, he tries several different things to just sneak up on the giant from behind, but with all of Argus’ eyes, this proves impossible and he goes with deception instead. Thus costumed, Hermes wandered over and began talking Argus’ ear off with the most boring story anyone has ever told – an in-depth, comprehensive discussion of the history, nature, construction, and proper playing technique of the pan pipes Then, pulling one of the several instruments he invented, he began to play a soothing lullaby on his pipes through which he wove the subtle magic of his office. The hundred eyes of Argus Panoptes began to grow heavy and, for the first time in the Giant’s life, all of them closed at once and he slept. Hermes knew that the ever-wakeful Giant wouldn’t be out for long and that he wouldn’t have time to get Io away before he awoke again. The god of thieves was left with no choice but to slay the sleeping warrior from ambush. Like I said, Hermes doesn’t fight fair. He either crushed the Giant’s head with a big rock before cutting off his head or just went straight for the decapitation coup de grace, making Argus Panoptes one of the first entities ever to basically die of boredom.
Io was now free of her captivity, but not of her transformation. Zeus himself had been the one to change her, and Hermes didn’t have the power to undo what Zeus had done. He began to lead her back to Olympus and Zeus, who would have to be the one to undo the enchantment, but Hera had noticed that her favorite champion was dead. She whisked herself down to the grove to gather up the mortal remains of poor dead Argus and she honored his sacrifice by placing his many eyes on the plumage of the peacock, her sacred bird.
While she was doing that, Hera also got revenge on the poor unfortunate Io, who hadn’t had a say in either Zeus’ amorous intentions or his savage rescue. It was simple and yet wickedly effective – Hera sent a gadfly to sting the cow-shaped nymph relentlessly, driving her to constantly flee in pain and fear. She was not able to rest, to sleep even, as every time she tried to stop moving, the fly found her and stung her again. In her misery, she wandered across the wide world, leaving Argos for Epirus and Dodona.
Her wanderings continued across Europe and Asia, before coming to a strait between the Black Sea and Propontis Sea (today known as the Sea of Marmara) which acquired the name Bosporus Strait (which means ox-passage) afterwards. Eventually, her maddened wandering brought her to the Caucasus Mountains where our old buddy Prometheus had been chained up at the end of Episode 1B. As you might recall, the Titan had been chained up to the mountain for giving fire to humanity but had avoided being thrown into Tartarus with most of the other Titans because he had the gift of foresight and prophecy, which had helped Zeus win the Titanomachy.
When Io, still in her cow form, stumbled across the bound Titan, he naturally knew exactly who she was. Given that he was also currently suffering under the cruel lash of Zeus and the Olympians, he was more than happy to help her out with a little advice. He told her that she would be a human woman again if she followed the path he laid out for her. He also told her that she would become the ancestress of one of the greatest heroes who would ever live who, to Prometheus’ interest, would one day return to this rock and free the bound Titan. He also declared, partly to her but more to the heavens above, that Zeus would one day have a son who would overthrow him the same way that he had overthrown his own father.
Hope blooming in her bovine breast for the first time in a long time, she headed for the coast and then dove into the sea to make a swim for it. That stretch of water was known forever after as the Ionian Sea in her honor. She eventually reached the shores of distant Aigyptos, better known as Egypt. She crawled out of the sea on the banks of the Nile where Zeus finally found her again. As she emerged, the touch of his hand returned her to her original womanly form. Only now, she was pregnant with the baby by Zeus that she had been carrying this entire time. This son would be named Epaphos and is often seen as an aspect of the Egyptian sacred bull Apis, with Io being a version of the goddess Isis.
Poor Io’s trials were not yet over. Hera found out about the son of Zeus and sent the telchines, a mysterious race of sea demons, to kidnap the infant child. Zeus found out about this abduction and didn’t take it well. He launched lightning bolts at the monsters, killing them, but it was left to Io to wander again in search of Epaphos. In less time than before, she found herself in Byblos (modern day Lebanon) where she found the boy safe and sound in the court of King Malcander. Io would go on to marry the Egyptian king Telegonus, and Epaphos would succeed him on the throne, giving rise to a line that would become one of the most important in Greece including such notables as Europa (of course), Perseus, Dionysus, and the great Heracles.
To close things out, Hermes was later put on trial for the murder of Argus. The silver-tongued trickster made a persuasive argument to his innocence (even though he was definitely guilty as hell) before leaving it up to the gods, the major and the minor, to decide. They voted for his innocence or guilt by taking stones and tossing them either at his feet or at Hera’s. By the time everyone had voted, Hermes’ feet were buried in a pile of stones, with only a few beside Hera’s, making him a free man (and giving rise to the tradition of piling up stones beside the highways for the god of travelers to ask for his guidance).
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, Odysseus is going to put that silver tongue to good use and wheedle his way into a ride home. You’ll learn that you shouldn’t challenge strangers in sports, that Odysseus could give the 6 Million Dollar Man a run for his money, and that Nausicaa is going to be even more impressed by a well-dressed Odysseus than a naked and wild Odysseus. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll see that Hera is not going to win any awards for World’s Best Mom. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.