Episode 58 – Antler Envy – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 58 Show Notes

Source: Mayan Folklore

This week on MYTH, death awaits you all – with nasty, big, pointy teeth! You’ll discover that Monty Python was right about how deadly rabbits are, that deer are thieves, and that you can’t trust a musician. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the Mayan cross between Dracula and Batman. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 58, “Antler Envy”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
We’re leaving the Old World for the New this week, with a tale of a trickster from one of the great ancient empires – the Maya. I don’t think we’ve had a story yet about the tricksy Rabbit from Mayan stories, though we have seen clever rabbits from other parts of the world, so I think it’s about time.
Long ago, rabbits looked more like the jackalope of the 1930’s American West than today’s rabbits because they had lovely racks of antlers. Rabbit was very proud of his massive antlers, and was excited to show them off to everyone. He came first upon Deer, who at this time had no antlers. You can probably guess where this is going. “Hey there, Deer! Check out these wicked antlers that Our Father gave me. Pretty cool, huh?” Deer was immediately jealous but managed to keep a straight face. “Those are alright, I guess. I mean, the antlers are cool, but they’re clearly too big for your head. Can I try them on? I ‘m bigger than you and I think they’ll look good on me. If I like them, maybe I’ll get some of my own.”
Surprisingly for a trickster character, Rabbit was pretty trusting of his fellow animals and so handed over his cap of antlers to Deer so that he could try them on. Deer struck a pose and Rabbit had to concede that he looked very dashing in the antlers. “You were right, Rabbit. These are nice antlers! Here, let me do a little dance for you so you can see just how bitchin’ these look on me.” He danced a few nimble steps, throwing his head around as he pranced, and he looked very suave. Rabbit was starting to miss having his antlers by now, so he held out his paw to ask for them back. Deer cut him off before he could speak. “I know, I know – you want them back. I’ll give ‘em back, I promise, but first I want to walk around in them a little and see if it’s easy to navigate in them. It’ll be a short walk and I’ll come back here right after and give them back – cross my heart and hope to die.” Rabbit wasn’t entirely comfortable with this arrangement, truth be told, but he was trying to be polite to Deer so he reluctantly agreed.
Rabbit stood in the clearing and watched Deer disappear into the trees. He listened with his keen ears as the mincing steps of the antlered Deer moved farther away into the forest until they finally went so far away that he couldn’t hear them anymore. Rabbit debated chasing after Deer, but he was afraid that if he did, Deer would come back, find him gone, and decide to keep the antler cap. Half an hour went by, then an hour, and still no Deer. Rabbit was crying by now, heartbroken over the loss of his beloved antlers after having them for so brief a time.
When he finally managed to convince himself that Deer definitely wasn’t coming back, and that there was no point in waiting around just another ten minutes, just in case, he resolved to go to the king, their Father, and tell on Deer for stealing his antlers. Thus decided, he dashed off into the woods towards the king’s home.
He soon found the place and was ushered in for an audience almost immediately. “What have you come to tell me, my son?” Rabbit hiccuped a little, trying to stop crying long enough to tell the king what had happened. “My brother, Deer, he took off with the cap of antlers you gave me. He told me he just wanted to try it on, and I wanted to be nice, so I let him borrow it. And then, a..and then…” Rabbit sniffled, then kept going. “He wanted to know why you gave the antlers to me and thought they should have gone to him instead. He said he was bigger than me and it fit him better, so he was keeping it. I thought he was my brother and I trusted him and he lied to me! I waited and waited and waited, but he never came back like he promised. I didn’t know what else to do, so I came to tell you. Can you give me another cap, since Deer stole mine, and maybe make me taller too so he won’t call me small anymore? I want to be big and strong like Deer so the antlers fit and so he can’t bully me anymore.”
The king nodded sadly at this tale. “I am very sorry to hear that, my son. If you want to be taller, then I’ll make you taller. If you do what I say, you’ll get big and strong just like you asked.” Rabbit sniffed, hope blossoming in his big bunny eyes. “You really mean it? What do I hafta do? I’ll do anything, Father!” “If you want to be as big as Deer, you need to go out and get 15 skins. Bring them back to me, and I can make your body grow up nice and big and give you another cap of antlers.” Rabbit was overjoyed at this, and thanked the king profusely before racing off to find the required 15 skins (which sounds like a fetch quest from the beginning of a World of Warcraft game).
He set out across the fields, past the mountains, and all the way to the sea. There, he found someone selling a marimba (a percussion instrument similar to a xylophone) and bought it for himself (I have no idea who was selling a marimba or what Rabbit used to buy it, but it doesn’t really matter). Some translations I’ve found say that it was a guitar, but later he uses a marimba mallet, so I’ve gone ahead and used marimba throughout for consistency). He headed back inland, marimba slung on his back, until he came to a nice flat, open plain. He leaned back against a small rise in the land and began to play while he rested his aching feet. He’d been playing for awhile (and apparently was pretty good, which makes me wonder why he didn’t already own a marimba – maybe he got tricked out of that too) when the sombre, melancholy melody drifting across the land drew an old snake to him.
“What are you doing all the way out here, brother?” “I came to play music for you, Snake.” The song he was playing was probably a slow, sad traditional Mayan dance song, although the original word used also translates generally to ‘music’, so it could be something else. Pick your favorite depressing song and picture that. “That’s a very sad song, Rabbit.” Rabbit nodded somberly, but didn’t stop playing. “Would you mind if I danced to your song?” Rabbit smiled. “Of course you can dance, Snake. That’s why I came out here to play for you! Just to be careful though, could you show me your weak spot? I want to make sure we’re safe and I don’t accidentally hit it with my marimba mallet while I’m playing.” Snake thought this a very sensible precaution. “Good thinking, Rabbit. My weak spot is right here on the end of my tail.”
Rabbit smiled. “Perfect. Now that I know where your weak spot is, you can dance without fear that I’m going to hit it by accident.” Snake nodded and began to wind sinuously in the dust near Rabbit, swaying to the sombre beat. He danced all around and, really in the groove, swayed close to the marimba, confident that Rabbit wouldn’t hit his tail by accident. Instead, Rabbit smashed his mallet down on Snake’s weak spot deliberately and with all of his strength. Caught by surprise by this unexpected betrayal (much worse than Deer’s theft, to be honest), Snake wasn’t able to jerk his tail away in time, and the blow killed him instantly. Rabbit skinned Snake and, leaving his bloody corpse to rot, took the freshly flayed skin with him as he journeyed on. One down, 14 to go.
Rabbit headed up to the mountains, found a nice spot, and began to play again. He hadn’t been playing his sad song for very long before a big old mountain lion came by, entranced by the captivating melody. Lion smiled toothily at Rabbit. “What are you doing all the way up here in the mountains, Rabbit?” “I just wanted a quiet place to play my marimba, Lion. Do you like music?” “I like music very much.” “Would you like to dance then, Lion?” Lion thought about it for a moment. “You know what? I think I would like to dance. Thank you for asking, Rabbit.” “No problem. Playing music is always more fun with someone to appreciate it and dance to it. Before I start playing again though, why don’t you tell me where your weak spot is. This clearing isn’t very big, and I wouldn’t want to hit it with my marimba mallet by accident.” “That’s very thoughtful of you, Rabbit. My weak spot is right here at the base of my neck.” “Good to know, Lion. Now you can dance safely while I play.”
Lion, reassured by the clever little Rabbit, began to dance to the renewed playing. He shuffled and swayed to the melancholy music, bending down and reaching for the sky alternately. Soon, he grew careless and wandered close to Rabbit and his marimba, confident that Rabbit wouldn’t hit his weak spot by accident. As soon as Lion bent down close enough, Rabbit whacked him on the back of the neck, killing him instantly. Again, he skinned the dead dancer who had trusted him and been betrayed, leaving the bloody flayed corpse behind to rot. He packed his grisly trophy with Snake’s skin and journeyed on.
He went next to the beach, set up as usual, and began to play. It wasn’t long before an alligator swam by and crawled up onto the beach to listen. “Is that you playing, Rabbit?” Rabbit agreed that he was indeed the one playing and offered to continue so that Alligator could dance. Alligator thought that sounded like fun and began to sway to the beat after revealing to Rabbit that his weak spot was at the base of his tail. You know, so Rabbit didn’t accidentally hit it while playing. True to form, Rabbit waited until Alligator was close and distracted, then smashed his mallet on Alligator’s tail, killing him, then skinned his corpse and left it to rot as he journeyed on. Rabbit was officially a serial killer now.
Rabbit left the beach behind and headed inland for a huge farm. The land there was rich, and grew sugar cane, bananas, oranges, and sapotes (a fleshy fruit common in the lands of the Maya). There were several houses on the much poorer land nearby where monkeys and coatises (a furry mammal somewhere between a lynx and a badger) lived. Changing his murderous MO a little, he approached the houses with an armful of bananas, which couldn’t grow on the shitty soil the monkeys and coatises lived on. Monkeys in stories have always loved bananas, and these monkeys were no exception. They chittered excitedly as Rabbit approached, and jumped in excitement when he offered the ripe fruit to the hungry monkeys.
“That’s so nice of you, Rabbit! I can’t remember the last time that we had some yummy bananas!” Rabbit tutted disappointedly. “That doesn’t seem right. Monkeys are supposed to have all the bananas they want. You know what? I have this huge farm not too far from here, and I can’t begin to eat all of the food that I grow. It’s just rotting in the fields because I’m too full to eat it. Why don’t you come by tomorrow with your entire family, and any of your neighbors you want, and you can all eat your fill? You look soooo hungry.” Now, these monkeys had definitely never seen this Rabbit before in their life, but I can believe that the rich farm owner had never deigned to meet with the poor monkeys and coatises next door, so it’s not too surprising that they didn’t question his ownership. Given that the fat cat farm owner had never shown any particular concern for their welfare before, it’s a little surprising that they trust his good intentions so willingly, but desperation can make you see what you want to see.
The next day, a bunch of monkeys and coatises headed over to the huge farm together. Rabbit greeted them at the property line and ushered them across, smiling. “Eat my friends, eat! Enjoy yourselves!” The assembled animals fell to with a vengeance, devouring fruit with wild abandon, sating bellies that had been empty for far too long. Once everyone had reached a point where they couldn’t really shovel anything else into their mouths without puking, Rabbit gathered everyone together. “Everyone enjoy themselves? Great! Come on, let’s all head over here so you can take something back with you when you go.”
The monkey and coatises followed willingly, happy to be able to set something aside against future hunger. They traveled together until they came to a large plain, where Rabbit called a rest. The monkeys and coatises began to play together, happier than they had been in a long time. “Hey, I know a fun game we could play! Go and fetch two big nets and I’ll teach you.” The furry critters went and fetched the requested nets, unwilling to question their new benefactor. “Here you go, Rabbit. What game are we playing?”
“I’m going to weigh all of you and see which group weighs more: the monkeys or the coatises. The winner will get a prize.” The thought of a mysterious prize on top of the already promised fruit was tantalizing, and so all of them climbed willingly into the two nets and let Rabbit hoist them up from a tree branch. “So who weighs more, Rabbit?” “Who cares? You assholes are going to pay for all the fruit you ate!” The fruit was never Rabbit’s in the first place, so they don’t owe him shit, and he was always planning to murder every last one of them, adults and children alike, so this feels like Rabbit might be getting a wee bit guilty at all of the murder he’s doing for a nifty hat. Then again, I might just be hoping the little shit feels a little bit bad for the trail of bodies. He seems pretty remorseless.
So, while the monkeys and coatises screamed and begged for their lives, Rabbit took a heavy stick and beat each and every one of them to death one after the other. When they were all mercifully dead at last, he cut down the two nets and skinned all of the bodies. Counting them up, he smiled – 15 at last. Rabbit bullied a nearby armadillo into serving as his pack mule and loaded the skins, many of them still fresh and bloody, onto its back for the trek back to the king. He went in to see him, ready to get a new cap of antlers and to be made big and strong so that Deer wouldn’t make fun of him anymore (although at this point, I’m honestly surprised he didn’t just murder the fuck out Deer and be done with it. Rabbit certainly has no compunction about killing his fellow friendly animals with no provocation whatsoever).
The king was shocked to see Rabbit back. He had set what he thought to be an impossible task for a small fluffy bunny and never really expected to see him ever again. “Did you really kill and skin 15 animals? I don’t believe it – you must be lying!” Rabbit puffed up his chest indignantly. “I did so kill them. I’ve got the skins right outside. I’ll prove it!” He took the grisly net off of the armadillo, who was grateful to be away from this psycho with his life, and pulled the skins out one by one to show the king. One by one he laid them out – Snake, Lion, Alligator, and all the monkeys and coatises. “That’s…that’s actually 15 dead animals. You really did it. Okay. And what did you want in exchange?”
“I want what you promised, king. I want a new antler cap and for you to make me taller.” “Wait, really? You really murdered all of your friends and neighbors for a hat and a little bit of height?” As though this wasn’t all because of his pretty explicit instructions. “You’re a psychopath, Rabbit. I didn’t realize you’d actually murder them all or I’d never have said it. You killed all of these animals, many of them much bigger than you and with claws and teeth and big muscles. If I made you bigger, you’d definitely kill absolutely anyone who pissed you off or maybe just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. No antlers for you. I’ll give you the extra height you wanted, but there’s a diabolical twist – all of it will go to your ears. All of it. Now get out of my sight and never come back, you shameless psychopath.” Rabbit, his ears stretched by the king, fled and never returned. The little thief Deer got off scott free and has antlers to this day, but at least he never murdered 15 sentient creatures for the sake of fashion. And with the murderous Rabbit chastised and antlerless (where it wouldn’t surprise me if he went on to become the Legendary Black Beast of Arrrghhh from Monty Python and the Holy Grail), it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monstrous god is Camazotz.
You might have seen the viral picture going around the internet a while back of the Mayan Batman. While the creature referenced is 100% real, the Batman-esque armor that accompanied it was an art piece created in 2015 by Mexican artist Kimbal, and the Batman reference was deliberate. Camazotz, which translates roughly to ‘death bat’ (and which sounds like a sweet name for a metal band), was a bat god associated with death, sacrifice, and the night (much like Batman).
Most of what we know of the Mayan gods and myths come a handful of books, including the Popol Vuh, or Book of the People, which was compiled by Dominican friar Francisco Ximenez in the 18th Century from an unknown earlier source from the mid 1500s. Much of the Mayan culture and stories were deliberately destroyed by the Spanish during their conquest of the New World, so our knowledge is fragmentary and incomplete. Camazotz is the bat-like monster described in the Popul Vuh encountered by the twin heroes Hunahpu and Xblanque during their trials in the underworld. They spend the night in the House of Bats and are attacked by the carnivorous creature and only survive by hiding themselves inside their own blowguns. Well, Xblanque survived. Hunahpu stuck his head out of his blowgun early to see if the sun had risen yet, bringing sanctuary, and Camazotz ripped his head from his shoulders and carried it to the ballcourt to be used as the ball for the next game played by the gods.
A creature that might be Camazotz, though he isn’t named, appears in another Popol Vuh story as well. He appears in the form of a man with the wings of a bat and brokers a deal with mankind for the opening of their armpits and waists (meaning human sacrifice) in exchange for the gift of fire. He is also said to be one of the four animal demons responsible for wiping out humanity during the age of the first sun (a story similar to the Aztec story from Episode 34, which probably borrowed and adapted the Maya one).
Most scholars believe that Camazotz was inspired by the real-life vampire bat, which are native to the region, though some have suggested he was instead inspired by a now-extinct giant cousin of the vampire bat (well-probably extinct since it’s possible that a few Desmodus Draculae are still out there in the jungle, which is a truly terrifying image). Humans have feared bats across the world and throughout history, so it’s no surprise that vampire-style monsters exist in so many different cultures (such as the Chonchon of Peru and Chile which is created when a sorcerer, known as a kaku, performs a magical rite that causes his severed head to sprout giant ears, which become wings, and talons upon his death). The most recent sighting of the dread god Camazotz was in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, where he serves as a Guardian of the Beam, and in the Silverwing books by Kenneth Oppel. The bat god of death yet lives.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll meet the Latvian Davy Crockett who waited until 18 to kill his bear, but without a rifle. You’ll see that drowning isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a whirlpool, that crystal palaces lurk under Latvian rivers, and that you should always trust random old men carrying babies. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a demon of darkness with a fondness for the violin. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.