Episode 51 – Thor’s a Weakling – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 51 Show Notes

Source: Norse Mythology

This week on MYTH, we’re going to meet Loki. No, not that Loki. Well, maybe that Loki. You’ll see that competitive drinking is a godly sport, that cats have always been impossible to pick up if they don’t want to, and that you should never wrestle old women. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll learn how a goddess turned sex with a giant into a new kingdom and king. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 51, “Thor’s a Weakling”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s episode was requested in an email by Jack, and it’s a weird, wild, comedic story that you definitely need to hear, so everybody say ‘Thanks, Jack!’ But seriously, I want to let you all know how much I appreciate getting listener suggestion stories. Podcasting can sometimes feel like you’re a crazy person, talking to no one week after week, so getting these emails is always a huge confidence boost that people are out there listening, and that keeps me going. Okay, enough maudlin nonsense from me, let’s dive in to this strange, funny myth. It is the tale of Thor and Loki’s journey to the castle Utgard (or Outlands) in Jotunheimr, the land of the giants known as the Jotnar. It comes from Snorri Sturluson’s Prose Edda from 13th Century Iceland. The story is a weird one for Norse mythology, and a lot of that undoubtedly stems from corruption of the original tales by the Christian monks who gathered and wrote down the stories (and making liberal changes to the stories to rob them of any religious significance they may once have had to try and convert people to Christianity instead). It features a lot of fairy-tale elements that are wildly out of place in traditional Norse mythology, and is mostly lacking in any real religious significance, but there are a lot of indications that, somewhere lost in the tangle, lies a genuine Norse myth (though any original versions are long since lost to history). Still, the surviving story is a hell of a lot of fun and well worth diving into.
One quick note before we get started. The main antagonist of the story is Loki, but this Loki is one of the Jotnar, the giants, and appears to be distinct from the Loki we all know and love, especially as that Loki is also in this story as Thor’s traveling companion; however, there are theories that, in the original tale, both Lokis were one and the same, with the trickster god pulling off some very clever stunt for some unknown purpose (and if you like, you can consider that the giant Loki is just a made-up guy that real Loki is using to trick his brother for shits and giggles, which is totally in character for him – this is totally the interpretation I endorse). This giant Loki is usually known as Utgard-Loki to distinguish him from regular Loki, and that’s what I’ll be doing as well. Also, I’m a little under the weather this week (work has been exhausting), but I’m too excited about this tale to put it off a week, so I’m gonna go ahead and sally forth unto the breach. If my voice sounds a little, I apologize in advance. And now, adventure awaits!
Summer was approaching, and Thor was getting restless. “Bored!” Loki looked up at his brother, startled by this unexpected outburst. “I’m so fucking bored! We haven’t had a good battle with the giants in ages! Ooh, I know – I’ll take a journey east to Utgard and kill some Jotnar! I don’t know how many giants are still alive there, but any giants are too many.” “Interesting idea, brother, but you’ll need sharp wits to survive in Utgard.” “I’m smart,” growled Thor. Loki gave his brother a look that was both incredulous and long-suffering. “Thor, your wits are about as sharp as a hammer. I’m pretty clever, though. Maybe you should bring me with you?”
Thor debated knocking Loki through a wall for the insult, but decided to ignore it. His brother was an ass, but he wasn’t wrong. “Fine. You’re an evil dick, but a good traveling companion. You can tag along.” Loki’s eyes gleamed, shifting from brown to green to indigo, and his scarred lips twisted in a wolfish smile, which probably should have made Thor nervous, but he was every bit as dull as Loki said he was and besides, that was more or less how Loki always smiled. “We leave at dawn.”
They rose before dawn the next morning and had Thor’s goats brought in from Thrudvang and harnessed to his chariot before the sky had started to turn blue. Thor and Loki took their places, with Thor holding the reins of twined silver, and the chariot rattled off across the plains of Asgard. Thor gave one last loving glance at the silent, darkened halls of the sleeping gods and goddesses as they slipped away behind them, before focusing completely on the adventure ahead. They passed through the gate and headed for Midgard, the world of men, which was the easiest way for them to get to the realm of the giants.
As evening neared, they came to a lonely farm in the middle of an isolated field. It was the only building for miles around, but the two gods debated whether to try and find a bed there or keep going. The building was low to the ground, with a turf roof that almost seemed to grow right out of the ground. “It’s kind of a shit-hole, Thor. Are they even going to be able to host two gods?” Thor shrugged. “I don’t particularly want to keep going, so we’ll stay here. Whatever they can’t provide, I will.” Without waiting to hear Loki’s response, he climbed out of the chariot, forcing Loki to follow.
The farm proved to be the home of a humble farmer and his wife, along with their two children. They came out, curious as to who in the world could possibly be calling on them this late. When they recognized their two visitors, the couple began to tremble with fear. Providing hospitality to the gods was a great honor, but one that could very easily bite them in the ass if something went wrong. As dirt-poor farmers, the couple was very much afraid that they were going to offend the deities by not being able to appropriately provide.
“Hello, mortals. We would like food and shelter for the night,” said Loki, casting a critical eye at the roughspun clothes of the couple. “We can definitely give you a place to sleep,” responded the farmer hesitantly, “though it’s not much.” “And you’re welcome to the little food that we have,” added the farmer’s wife, “though I’m afraid it’s just a veggie stew. We don’t have any meat at the moment.” “Not even a chicken?” Loki glanced around the poor farm incredulously. He’d never seen a farm that didn’t have at least a few scrawny chickens running around and making a fuss, but there were none to be seen. The couple trembled, certain that Thor’s famous temper was about to erupt.
Instead, he shrugged. “No worries. We’ll just use my goats then.” Without another word, he walked over to the harnessed goats and slaughtered both of them where they stood, skinned them, and butchered the meat, putting several choice cuts into the large cauldron over the fire in the farmhouse.
Times had been hard on this small, isolated farm, and the enticing smell of roasting meat was almost enough to make the farmer, his wife, their lanky son, and their fair daughter sick with hunger. They’d grown accustomed to surviving on very little, and their mouths watered at the thought of having real food again. They kept checking the meat to see if it was cooked, anxiously awaiting the coming feast. They took little notice of Thor until he spoke up. He’d spread the hides of the two goats on the floor some ways from the fire. “As you eat, make sure you throw the bones onto the skins.” It was a strange request, but they weren’t about to contradict anyone offering free meat, especially a god.
When the food was finally ready, they all sat down together under the stars. “Don’t forget – the bones go on the skins, alright?” Everyone nodded their agreement, and they all began to eat. They picked all the bones clean, then tossed them in a small pile on the skins. The farmer’s son, Thialfi, had been so hungry for so long that, even though there was plenty of meat, that the thought of wasting the precious marrow inside the bones was too much for him to bear. Who knew when he’d have meat again? He waited until Thor was distracted, recounting a tale of some battle or other to his father, then he cracked open a thigh bone with his knife, sucked out the rich juice, then tossed the hollow bone onto the pile covering the skins. Everyone sat up for a while after the meal, shooting the shit, then turned in.
The next morning, Thor was the first to rise. He was up before the sun, dressed and out the door with the first light of morning. He took up his hammer, Mjolnir, raised it over the goat skins, and blessed the skins and bones. The bones knit themselves back together and the skins grew back over them until, very soon, the two goats were once more standing before Thor, alive and healthy. Well, mostly. They bleated happily and hopped off, and Thor noticed that one of the goats now had a lame leg.
Thor’s enraged bellow shook the walls of the farmhouse, shocking everyone else out of their sleep. “WHO THE FUCK DISOBEYED ME!?!” The farming family tumbled quickly out of the house, terrified of an angry and vengeful god in their midst. “ONE OF YOU FUCKERS BROKE MY GOAT’S LEG! WHO DID IT?” His eyes burned like orange flames, and the family cowered, certain that they were about to meet a very grisly end. Their eyes were drawn like magnets to the movement of Thor’s hand as it reached down and gripped the haft of Mjolnir so tightly his knuckles turned white. They threw themselves to their knees and begged for mercy, offering anything and everything they owned in payment for the injured goat.
Thor’s temper was famous, and with good reason. It was as hot and violent as a thunderstorm, but it could also pass by as quickly as a lightning strike. At the sight of this proud family reduced to quivering tears, his blood cooled. “Fine, fine, I’ll just take the two kids, Thialfi and Roskva, as my servants and we’ll call it even.” While heartbroken at losing their kids to whatever adventure this might be for however long Thor paid attention, they also knew that this was probably their only way for everyone to get out alive, so they agreed. Thor left his chariot and goats in the care of the farmer couple to heal up and then he, Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva set out for Utgard.
They walked a long time across the gently rolling farmland until they eventually came to the massive ocean dividing Midgard from Jotunheim. The two mortals gazed across the gray water in fear and wonder, but Thor just shrugged. “It’s late. We can cross tomorrow.” They set up camp, made dinner, then went to bed.
The next morning, they set out again and soon found an old boat beached on the sand. It didn’t look like it had been used in some time, but it appeared to be serviceable enough, so Thor dragged it down to the water and everyone piled in. Thor manned the oars, and the boat leapt ahead with every stroke of his might arms, bucking the boat and threatening to toss the two mortals into the drink. The journey passed quickly, at least, and they were across and into Jotunheim by midday, on the shores of Utgard.
They beached the boat so that it would still be there for the trip back and, seeing no sign of life, headed inland. Before long, they came to the outskirts of a vast forest which stretched out as far as the eye could see in both directions. It was clear that they weren’t going to be able to make their way around it very easily, so Thor decided that they would go through it. They picked their way between the massive trees all afternoon, lulled to a sort of daze from passing through countless pools of light and shadow through the thick forest canopy and from hunger. Thor…isn’t much of a planner, and when they didn’t stop for lunch, the two mortals realized that they had finished off the last of the food Thor had packed the night before. That’s right – Thor brought provisions for all of one day for this expedition.
The sweet scent of pine almost seemed to grow stronger as the light began to fade. They still had seen no life, not even a bird or a bunny that they could have tried to kill to make dinner, so they resolved to go hungry that night (not that they had much choice). Loki was less than pleased at his brother’s lack of foresight. “Even if there’s no food, we should at least find shelter for the night. I don’t particularly want to wake up on the inside of something’s belly.” Thor shot a vicious smile back at his brother. “Aw, is Fenrir’s father afraid of some liddle wolves?”
Thialfi was annoyed at everyone else’s slow pace, so throughout the day, he’d been running ahead to scout out their path. He’d headed out on such a jaunt not long ago, and returned now with news that he had found a glade a little ways on with some weird kind of hall. He led the way, and soon everyone was agreeing that, yes, this was indeed a very strange building. There was no door, but one entire side was open to the outside, as high and as wide as the structure itself. It was an enormous thing, too, large enough to fit any of the halls of Asgard, even Valhalla, inside with room to spare.
Loki shrugged. “Whatever it is, it’ll keep the rain off our heads and the wildlife off our backs. I say we sleep here. Better than sleeping in the damp forest.” The two mortals weren’t as sure about Loki’s logic, but they weren’t about to argue the point, so they set up camp in the strange giant hall. There was nothing to eat, so the four companions drifted off into an uneasy sleep, exhausted from the day’s travels.
They slept soundly if not well, until sometime around midnight. They were all roused from slumber by the sound of a deep, throbbing rumble through the very earth itself, which quickly grew louder and more violent until the very walls of the hall shook and trembled. Thialfi and Roskva held each other, trembling as much from fear as from the violent shaking of the earth, so loud that they almost couldn’t hear Thor yell that it was an earthquake. Loki stared daggers at Thor for stating the painfully obvious. “Let’s get the fuck out of here! I don’t particularly want to be crushed when this flimsy piece of shit collapses!”
Before they could steady themselves enough to try and leave though, the quaking stopped. The thundering ceased as suddenly as it had begun, and the forest was once more utterly still and silent. Loki took a few steps towards the entrance, but Thor grabbed his arm. “It’s no safer out there.” “There’s got to be a better place to stay than this, though. Let’s at least look!” Thor shook his head stubbornly. “We’re already here, and it’s at least some kind of shelter. Who knows if we’ll find anything safer out there, and we could easily blunder into something much worse in the dark. I say we explore this place a little better.”
Thor didn’t much care if anyone else agreed with him, so everyone was soon groping their way deeper into the hall, headed towards the far end. The darkness grew thicker and the air more stifling with every step, but they persevered. About halfway down the hall, they found a small side-room off to the right of the massive main hall. Thor was pleased. “This is good. If something attacks us now, we can make a stand here and force them to come at us one at a time. Won’t do much for earthquakes though.”
Thor seated himself in the doorway to stand guard while the other three felt their way gingerly into the small, pitch-black room and lay down. They slept, confident that Thor would keep them safe, but they still didn’t sleep too soundly. Several times through the night, muffled roaring shook them from their slumber, and each time, it took longer for sleep to find them again.
As soon as thin light began to filter into the hall, Thor groped his way cautiously to the hall’s entrance. There, lying in the glade, he could now make out the form of a huge giant asleep on the ground. They must have passed right by him in the night without seeing him. The massive form snorted and then began to snore, and Thor realized that this was what he and his companions had been shaken by all night. Thor nodded to himself resolutely and buckled on his magical belt, a gift from the giantess Grid. He felt his strength grow, surging through his limbs, and he felt ready to take on this enormous threat single-handedly.
At that moment, the giant awoke. Seeing Thor striding towards him with a look that said that murder was clearly on his mind, the giant clambered swiftly to his feet. He was easily as tall as the huge pine trees around them, which was big even for a giant. Thor was so surprised at his opponent’s incredible height that he forgot to throw his hammer. “Who the fuck are you?”
“Skrymir,” rumbled the giant, which I’ve seen translated as either Boaster or Big Guy. Either kind of fits. “I know who you are, Thor. Every giant knows you.” By now, Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva had joined Thor outside. “Hey, did you move my glove?” Looking back, they could see that the strange hall was actually an enormous glove, and the small room they’d spent the night in was actually the space for his thumb. They’d slept in his glove. That’s how big this giant was.
He picked his glove up and put in on. “I don’t have anything much going on today. You cool if I hang with you?” “That’s fine. We’re on the way to Utgard.” “Sounds fun. You guys hungry? How about you all eat with me before we leave?” Thor and his companions were only too happy to take Skrymir up on his offer, having no food of their own. They ate their fill from the giant’s massive provisions, barely making a dent. “You guys want to pool our resources?” They didn’t really have anything, so they were happy to agree and they dropped their tiny knapsack into the giant’s much, much larger one. Skrymir slung it on his back and they set off through the forest.
Unsurprisingly, the giant moved much faster than his smaller companions with his giant strides, and the four smaller beings were soon left behind. Even Thialfi, who was one of the fastest runners in Midgard, couldn’t keep up with the giant. Fortunately, it wasn’t hard to figure out which way to go: all they had to do was stop and listen for the unmistakable sound of Skrymir crashing through the forest ahead, smashing trees as he went. Around nightfall, they finally caught up to him, sitting under a massive oak tree (I mean, it had to be massive for him to fit under it, even seated).
He waved to the tiny gods and humans as they approached. “Hey guys! I couldn’t find any buildings to sleep in, but the trees here are thick enough to keep us dry tonight. I’m pretty beat after walking all day.” Thor and Loki looked longingly at the giant’s knapsack, containing all of their provisions. Thialfi and Roskva shared a look that said ‘maybe life on the farm with mom and dad wasn’t so bad after all.’ Skrymir didn’t appear to notice either of these looks but, being a friendly kind of guy, he offered them whatever they wanted from his bag for dinner before rolling over and falling immediately asleep. The trees shook with the force of his snores, forcing the birds who had been perched there to take flight in search of a safer place.
Thor grabbed the massive bag of provisions. “You make the fire, and I’ll get the food out of the bag.” Thor expected this to be a simple task, but it proved to be incredibly difficult. The rope holding the bag closed proved as impossible to unknot as the rope binding the wolf Fenrir until the day of Ragnarok. Thor was unable to work a single loop free, and he eventually broke down enough to ask for help, but none of his companions were able to make any headway either. They began to fear that there would not be any dinner tonight after all.
As you might expect, Thor was growing more and more frustrated at not being able to accomplish a seemingly simple task. His beard bristled at the thought that Skrymir was taunting him, having known full well that they wouldn’t be able to actually get into the provisions bag. A frustrated Thor is a violent Thor, and he decided to vent his rage in the only way he could think of. He stalked over to the sleeping giant and smashed his hammer into Skrymir’s forehead. This was short-sighted as fuck, since the giant was the only being around able to get to the food, but Thor isn’t exactly known as a deep thinker.
Fortunately, Skrymir’s skull was on scale with the rest of him, and he sat up at Thor’s attempted murder, brushing at his forehead. “Huh. A leaf must have fallen on my face.” He looked around at his companions. “How long was I out? Did you guys eat already? I guess your ready for bed, then.” Thor, unwilling to admit to having failed to open the sack, agreed that they were indeed just about to turn in. They made their way over to a second oak tree and lay down, but sleep eluded them. Most of them were just hungry, but Thor was also deeply worried. Mjolnir had never before failed to kill its victim since it was first forged by Brokk and Eitri, and Thor wondered if he’d finally met an opponent he couldn’t best through strength at arms.
As midnight approached, Skrymir began to snore again. Thor still hadn’t slept a wink, and the thundering, roaring reminder of his failure from the sleeping giant grated on his nerves. He’d had enough. Careful not to disturb anyone else, he slunk over to the sleeping giant, raised Mjolnir, and slammed it down onto the crown of the giant’s head. He felt the skull give way under his hammer blow, until he was sure that his hammer was deeply buried in the dead giant’s brains. There was no way Skrymir was getting up from that one.
Nevertheless, Skrymir sat up, rubbing his head. “Now what? Did some little acorn fall on my head? Oh, hey Thor! What are you doing up at this hour?” “Uh, I just got up to pee, but we should probably just go back to sleep. It’s really late.” He crept slowly backwards towards the second oak tree where the other three slept and lay back down. He swore to himself that, the next time he brought the hammer down, Skrymir wouldn’t ever sit up again. Cause he’d be dead. By being smashed by Thor’s hammer. He lay down and pretended to sleep, waiting for his moment.
Just before dawn, Thor decided that Skrymir was finally in a deep enough sleep to be easily murdered. The deep bass roar of the incessant snoring was getting on Thor’s last nerve, and he decided that the third time was the charm. Once more, he got up and slunk over to the sleeping giant’s form. He raised his hammer, and with every ounce of strength he possessed, he brought the hammer slamming down on the sleeping giant’s forehead. He buried the whole hammer deep in Skrymir’s skull, all the way to the handle in the brains of what had to be a dead giant.
Yawning, Skrymir sat up and rubbed his cheek. He glanced up at the tree overhead. “Are there some birds up there that don’t like me or something? I’m pretty sure one of them took a shit on me just as I was waking up. Ah, good morning, Thor! Did you sleep well?” Thor was thunderstruck, pun definitely intended. “Glad to see you up and at ‘em. You should get your friends up, too. Utgard’s not far from here. I heard you all whispering together about how big I am, but just wait until you get to Utgard – you’ll see tons of people waaaaay bigger than me.”
Thor was shaking his head, partly in amazement at the giant’s impossible claim and partly in denial that it could be true, though he didn’t seem to be entirely aware of it. Behind him, unnoticed, Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva were stirring and listening to the giant’s words. “A little friendly advice, Thunder-maker: it’s fine to be an arrogant ass around the Asgardians, but you should really keep your trap shut around the giants. Utgard-Loki’s men won’t stand for bragging from a little shrimp like you.”
Surprising exactly no one, Thor seethed at the insult to his pride, but he’d already unleashed everything he had on Skrymir and done jack shit, so he knew he had no choice but to swallow his anger. “Your other choice,” continued Skrymir, oblivious to Thor’s boiling rage, “would be to go straight home right now with your tail between your legs. That would be the smart move, if you ask me. If you insist on this foolishness, however, head east from here. I’m headed north, to those distant mountains, but I’m sure you can find your way from here easily enough. Good luck, tiny!”
Skrymir picked up his bag of provisions, threw it over his shoulder, and stomped away into the forest without so much as a wave, a nod, or a friendly word. Thor and Loki watched him go. “I don’t imagine we’ll miss that asshole very much,” mused Loki. The four travelers gathered their own meager supplies and set out east, leaving the forest behind them. They walked all morning, until the trees were just a distant blur behind them. Towards midday, they crossed a saddle-back ridge with three odd-looking square valleys and climbed down into a plain. There stood a massive castle stronghold, with walls so high that the four travelers had to crane their necks and lean back a little to see the tops of the buildings beyond.
They were happy to be at their journey’s end, although the size of the structures was the teensiest bit super unnerving. They hurried up a well-worn road leading up to massive gates formed from wrought-iron. Thor gave them a massive shover, but they didn’t budge – it appeared that they were locked and that no one was on duty to open them to visitors. Nothing stopped them from peering through the bars though, and they marveled at the sheer scale of everything they could see beyond. Thor fingered Mjolnir in what he definitely wouldn’t admit was nervousness. “The bigger they are, the harder they fall, right?” Loki scoffed. “Brains over brawn, brother. I told you that you’d need someone clever with you on this.” With a sly smile, he squeezed between the tight bars. Roskva and Thialfi followed after with relative ease, but Thor struggled to force his brawny bulk through the small gap. He grew frustrated and threw all of his might at the bars, finally forcing two of them slightly farther apart and giving himself enough room to squeeze through.
They followed the hall on the other side to a door. This one stood open, so they sauntered in and immediately wondered if that had been a mistake. The room beyond was full of giants lounging on benches: young and old, male and female, and all of them at least as big as Skrymir had been, if not even bigger. All of them took notice as the tiny visitors from Asgard and Midgard entered. They sneered at Loki and, especially, at Thor, and the men leered openly at Roskva, which is more than a little disturbing.
One giant sat alone in a massive chair at the opposite end of the hall. Thor wagered that this was the king of this place, which made him Utgard-Loki. The four travelers made their way boldly up to his massive chair, which was just shy of being a throne, and greeted him with cautious courtesy.
The giant king did not return the courtesy. In fact, he didn’t even bother to notice that Thor and his companions were there at all. He did not move and he spoke no word, and he never so much as glanced in their direction. Thor glanced at Loki with a confused and irritated frown, but Loki only yawned. “Greetings, Utgard-Loki!” he yelled even louder than before, in case the king was deaf or something. “We have come…” Utgard-Loki interrupted rudely. “News travels slowly from other worlds, and the event often overtakes word of it. Or am I mistaken in taking this little pipsqueak to be Thor of Asgard?”
Thor bristled angrily (he was getting real tired of all of the short jokes these giants kept making, but he was just self-aware enough to realize that starting a fight with this many massive giants would be suicide). Utgard-Loki finally bothered to look over at Thor, and shrugged condescendingly. “Maybe you’re stronger than you look? What would you say you’re…good at? And what, exactly, can your companions…do? No one is allowed to stay with us unless they are a master of something.”
Loki, standing behind the others, could see that Thor was struggling to find some answer to this combination of insults and challenges beyond drawing his hammer and screaming ‘Thor SMASH!’ He stepped forward, drawing all eyes. “I’m a pretty solid eater, giant. I don’t think that there is anyone in this hall who can eat faster than I.” A chuckle bounced around the room as everyone considered this tiny man who was claiming to be able to eat more, faster than the massive men seated all around him. “If true, that would certainly be one hell of an accomplishment. We’ll put that to the test, because I think you’re full of shit. Logi, get your fat ass over here and show up this puny Loki.”
Several of the king’s servants carried a massive trough into the hall and set it down before the throne. They then heaped it full of chunks of chopped meat and more chopped meat. Thor’s stomach rumbled, reminding him of just how long it had been since any of them had eaten. If nothing else, Loki had managed to get himself a free meal out of this.
Loki was seated at one end of the trough and Logi at the other. They waited for a signal from the king, and then they both began to devour the heaping meat. Bloody gobs flew everywhere as they gobbled and devoured and swallowed, each eating as fast as they possibly could, sliding their chairs forward as a section of trough was emptied. Before long, the two chairs met in the center of the trough. Everyone eyed the empty, bloody mess they’d left behind. Loki had eaten every scrap of meat on his side, leaving behind nothing but bones. On Logi’s side, however, he had eaten not only the meat, but the bones and the wooden trough as well. Utgard-Loki raised Logi’s hand in the air. “Loki is pretty clearly the loser here.” There was a grumbling from Loki’s companions, but no one raised any objections. The king was clearly right.
Loki stared at Utgard-Loki’s eyes with mistrust, but said nothing, so the king ignored him and looked at the remaining three, and Thialfi in particular. “And what can this tiny mortal do?” “I’m pretty fast, faster than anyone I’ve ever met. I’ll race against anyone you care to name.” Utgard-Loki smirked. “I’ll be very impressed if you can actually outrun anyone here. We’ll definitely put that wild claim to the test.”
The king stood and led the way out of the hall. They came to a large, open field which would make an excellent track. “Hugi! Get your swift ass over here!” One of the younger, leaner giants stepped out from the group. “You’re running against the human. Take your marks.” Hugi and Thialfi lined up on one end of the field. The king signalled, and the two took off. They sprinted across the grass as fast as their legs could move, and their feet seemed to hardly touch the ground. Thialfi pushed himself harder than he had ever run before, and he thought that surely no one could outrun him. As he approached the finish line though, he looked up to see Hugi already standing there and waving mockingly at him.
Hugi smiled as Thialfi crossed the finish line. “Not bad. I’ve never seen a man from Midgard move that fast before, but if you want to beat me, you’ll have to do a lot better than that. Care to try again?” Thialfi nodded, and they walked across the grass to the starting line again. Once more, they took off, and once more, they sprinted across the grass. Thialfi raced across the field faster than he’d ever moved before, but it was no use. Hugi crossed the finish line a crossbow shot’s distance ahead of the gasping human man. Utgard-Loki shook his head. “Thialfi is quick, but not quick enough. The third time’s a charm though, right? One more race, winner take all.”
They lined up a third time, and raced across the grass again, but Hugi crossed the finish line before Thialfi had crossed the halfway point. No one argued when the king ruled that Hugi was clearly the faster of the two. “You’re up, Thor. You’re well known for your boasting; I’ve heard you brag endlessly about all sorts of shit no one cares about but you. You clearly think yourself skilled at many things – which will you deign to show us today?” Thor swallowed the giant king’s insults yet again, but it was getting harder with each humiliation. “I’ll drink anyone here under the table!” shouted Thor!
To be honest, I’d have excepted the next challenge to be Roskva’s, but she doesn’t actually get one. In fact, she does absolutely nothing in this story, which makes me wonder what was censored out by the ancient monks. Alas and alack that we’ll never know.
Utgard-Loki smiled. “Very well. Back inside and fetch me my drinking horn!” Everyone traipsed back inside, and the king’s cupbearer grabbed a massive drinking horn off the wall and brought it to the giant king. “If you can drain this horn in one go, we’ll consider you a good drinker. Some of us take two pulls to finish it off, but no one is such a weak little baby that they can’t finish it off in three. Let’s see how you measure up.” Thor took the proffered horn and considered it. He thought he had seen bigger before, though it did seem a bit on the long side. He was pretty damned thirsty, especially since Utgard-Loki hadn’t been polite enough to offer his guests anything to eat or drink since they’d arrived.
He took a breath, closed his eyes, and began to drink down the liquid inside in enormous gulps. He felt sure that he would drain it in one long pull, but as he felt his lungs begin to burn with the need for air, there was still plenty left. He lowered the horn and raised his head, shocked to see that the horn was only a little less full than it had been before. Utgard-Loki scoffed. “That’s all? I’ve seen children drink more than that! You’ll have to do much, much better than that.” Thor scowled. “If someone had told me that Thor would have such a pitiful ability to drink, I’d have called him a liar, but here we are. Still, I’m sure you’ll finish it on your next go.”
Thor didn’t answer. He took a few deep breaths, then raised the horn to his lips again. He didn’t gulp this time: he opened his throat and poured the liquid straight down into his belly in an unending tide of drink, but still he was unable to tilt the horn up and drain it before he again ran out of air. Gasping, he checked his progress. There was definitely some space between the rim and the top of the liquid now, and it was possible to carry the horn without being at risk of sloshing it over the edge, but he thought he’d made even less headway with the second drink that he had with the first.
Utgard-Loki shook his head, sighing. His breath swirled around Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva like an unpleasantly warm, fragrant wind. “Are you okay, Thor? You seem to have a lot of liquid left. If you’re going to actually pull this off, your third pull will have to be your best.” Thor wanted to retort, but he was honestly worried. It was a big horn, sure, but he couldn’t believe he was doing so poorly here. His confidence was shaken, but his wrath was also raised. He took a deep breath and raised the horn to his lips a third time. He drank as much as he could stomach, until his lungs burned and his gut ached, but the horn was still far from empty. The level was definitely lower this time, but far from empty. He shoved the horn back at the cup-bearer angrily, ignoring the mocking calls for him to try again.
The giant king scoffed. “It seems we were over-sold on your prowess, thunder god. Do you want to try a different challenge instead? Your drinking doesn’t seem up to snuff.” “I can prove myself in a lot of different ways, ass…I mean, king, but I will say that I doubt anyone in Asgard would call what I just drank a trifling. That was a fucking lot of liquid.” Utgard-Loki smirked, but said nothing.
“So what now, king? What’s next?” The giant sighed and shook his head. “Maybe something more in line with your tiny stature. Young giants here perform the feat of strength of lifting my cat from the ground. It’s not the most impressive thing ever, and I’d never have dreamed of suggesting it to the great Thor if I hadn’t seen with my own eyes that you’re not nearly as great as the stories say.”
As if on cue, a gray cat uncoiled itself from the back of the throne and sprang to the floor. It was a massive, grizzled old tomcat, and it gave Thor an evil stare. Thor stomped forward, wedged one shoulder under the cat’s ribs, and heaved. The cat arched its back slightly, but did not lift off the ground. Thor adjusted, getting both arms under the cat, and heaved again. The cat arched its back even more, forming a steep rainbow over the straining god’s head, but it’s four feet remained firmly on the ground. The giants all laughed and howled at the way the cat, with its sinuous movement, frustrated Thor’s efforts to lift it.
Thor crawled under the cat, directly under its ribs, and heaved with all of his might. The cat arched up higher than ever, and one paw was forced off the ground, but no more. Thor had failed again. The giant king shook his head sadly. “As I feared. It’s a pretty big cat, I guess, and Thor’s a weak little child compared to the mighty men of this hall, so it’s not really a surprise.” Thor’s temper finally boiled over. “I dare you to say that to my face! Anyone want to dare to come over here and wrestle me, one on one? Come and taste my wrath!”
Utgard-Loki rubbed his beard and looked along the benches crowded with giants. “I don’t know that there’s anyone here I’d be willing to send to wrestle you at this point. After everything we’ve seen, they’d all feel it was beneath them.” Thor fingered Mjolnir and wondered how he could bring it into play here. The giant king’s mouth widened into a smile. “Wait, I know! Someone go and find my old foster mother Elli! Thor can wrestle her – she’s about the right challenge for him. She’s thrown men who have been stronger than Thor here.”
Before long, a shriveled, horrible looking old crone hobbled into the hall and headed for the throne. The king asked her to wrestle with Thor, and she smiled a gummy, toothless smile. She set her walking stick carefully aside and turned to face Thor, who hurled himself at the old woman. He wrapped her up in his brawny arms, expecting to throw her to the earth and finish this thing up, but she was much, much stronger than she seemed. Thor heaved and strained and grunted, but the old woman stood firm and unmoved. The more he laid into her, the more easily she seemed to withstand his effort.
Suddenly, Elli decided take the upper hand, taking Thor by surprise. She caught him in a lock and threw him off balance, forcing Thor to cling to her desperately. He bared his teeth and fought back. Clinging desperately, he tried to take her down with him, but strain and struggle as he might, he was eventually forced to one knee. Utgard-Loki stood. “Enough! You’ve shown us how pitiful your strength is as a wrestler, so there’s definitely no point in putting you up against anyone else in my hall after that abysmal display. Let him go, Elli.”
By now, after eating and drinking and racing and wrestling, it was late in the evening. Utgard-Loki managed to find places for Thor, Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva on the crowded benches. Food and drink was brought out for everyone, and they were allowed to eat and drink as much as they wished. Once everyone was full, padding was laid out on the floor and pillows brought out. Giants and tiny travelers all laid down and went to sleep on the floor of the great hall.
In the morning, Thor and his companions were the first to wake. They dressed and prepared to leave Utgard, but the giant king stirred as they were almost ready to leave. He picked his way over the trunk-like bodies of his sleeping followers and set up a table beside the travelers. He woke his servants, who laid the table high with food and drink. Once they were full, he led them through the sleeping giants and out through the massive gates of Utgard. Together, they walked across the green field outside the castle, with the king talking amiably to everyone while Thor and Loki kept unusually silent, chastened and humiliated by the previous day’s failures. Thialfi and Roskva, happy to be alive, chattered happily with the king, spirits high.
They stopped at the edge of the field. “Here is where I leave you,” growled Utgard-Loki. “How do you think this journey turned out? Was it everything you hoped it would be? Have you ever met anyone more powerful than I?” Thor hesitated, but then he shook his head. “I hate to admit it, but there’s no denying that I’ve come off second-best in this whole bullshit. You’ve humiliated me and even worse, I know you’re going to tell stories about yesterday to everyone who will listen about how puny and weak I am, and I hate that.”
Utgard-Loki considered for a moment, then stooped down. “Listen, Thor, I’m going to tell you the truth while we’re outside the walls of Utgard. I want you to know that, as long as I live and people listen to me, you’ll never be allowed inside Utgard again. If I’d known how strong you really were, I’d never have allowed you inside in the first place.” Thor was visibly confused, and Utgard-Loki chuckled. Loki kept his lips firmly shut, but they curved into a small, sly smile. “Did you know you very nearly killed us all?
“I used spells to trick you. I was the giant you met in the forest. You remember, the one with the bag of provisions? I fastened it closed with thick wires, so it’s no wonder you couldn’t get it open. Then, you hit me with your hammer in the night. The first blow was the lightest, but if it had actually landed, it would have killed me instantly. That saddle-backed hill and those square-shaped valleys were the dents you made with you hammer. I set that hill between us, but kept you from realizing it with my magic. You wrecked those hills with your mighty hammer.”
Thor listened to Utgard-Loki’s explanation with a combination of wonder, relief, frustration, and rapidly rising anger. “I used spells to keep you from realizing the truth when you competed with my followers as well. Loki was ravenous, and ate incredibly fast, but Logi was wildfire itself, burning with an insatiable hunger through everything, even the wood of the trough. You never had a chance. And then, when Thialfi ran against Hugi, he was running against thought itself, and no one can possibly move faster than thought.”
Loki grinned maliciously as Thor, anxious to hear how he had been tricked (exactly as Loki had warned him before they had set out), but Thor didn’t think there was anything to smile about here. “And you, Thor, when you drank from the horn, you thought you did poorly, but I could scarcely believe my eyes. You didn’t realize that the other end of the horn was linked to the sea. When you get back to the ocean shore, you’ll see just how far out the tide has gone thanks to your prodigious thirst. And the cat! That was a wonder to behold. Everyone was horrified that you actually got one paw off the ground. You see, that was Jormungand, the Midgard Serpent that circles the world and bites on its own tail. You lifted it up so high that it almost grazed the sky with its back.
“And then you wrestled with Elli for so very long, and only fell to one knee. Elli is old age and, even if the mightiest hero survives every sword and monster and illness, he can’t withstand old age in the end. No one can, but you did one hell of a job trying. But now, here is where we part ways. Don’t ever try to come back. I used magic yesterday, so you know what I am capable of. I will use it in defense of Utgard if I must. I won’t let you threaten me or my people.”
Thor’s rage, which he had been forced to swallow all day yesterday, rose with each new revelation until it boiled over. He drew Mjolnir and raised it high, but it was no use. Utgard-Loki had already vanished. Thor turned, intending to hurl the hammer at the walls of Utgard, to smash the halls of the sleeping giants, but there was no castle there. No Utgard, no giant king, nothing except for the dents in the saddle-backed hill to show that any of it had happened at all. Thor’s rage evaporated, and he shoved the hammer back where it went. Joining his companions, the four travelers slowly made their way back to the sea (which was indeed much lower than it had been before) and crossed into Midgard. Thor retrieved the chariot and his goats from the farmer and his wife, then went on to the fields of Asgard with Loki, Thialfi, and Roskva.
It’s an interesting story, and one that definitely has more in common with European fairy tales than traditional Norse mythology (the tales of Jack the Giant-Killer come to mind). It seems like a story meant to show that, even in moments that feel like humiliating failures, we might not realize just how well we’re actually doing, or just how difficult the challenges facing us actually are. We often underestimate our own struggles and overstate our own weaknesses and shortcomings, and only someone looking on from the outside can get an accurate picture of what’s happening. So the next time you feel like you’re being beaten down by the minutiae of your life, bear in mind that some of your struggles may only seem small and insignificant because you’re familiar with them – from the outside, they may be more easily seen for the monsters they are. Even if you don’t win, don’t underestimate how significant lifting even one cat’s paw off the ground actually is. You are mighty.
With Thor mulling over a lesson that, based on Loki’s secret smirks, were definitely his doing, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s goddess is Gefjun (GEV-yoon).
Gefjun is the Norse goddess of agriculture, fertility, abundance, and prosperity. The etymology of her name is debated by scholars, but is usually translated roughly as ‘the giving one’. Like our main story, most of what we know about Gefjon comes from Snorri Sturluson, the 13th Century Icelandic poet and historian. As we saw with the tale of Utgard-Loki, his writings have to be taken with a huge grain of salt, but in this case, his information seems to be fairly authentic.
One day, long ago, a homeless woman was wandering through what would one day become Sweden. She came upon King Gylfi, the king of that land, and entertained him with songs and stories. In thanks for her kindness, he offered the homeless woman land in his kingdom. “You can have as much land as you can plow in one day and night with four oxen.” Unbeknownst to him, but suspected by you, the homeless woman was Gefjun in disguise and she had a plan. Odin had sent her out to look for more land for the gods, and she had settled on this land. She went to Jotunheimr and summoned her four sons by some unnamed jotunn and turned them into oxen.
She went to the western part of Sweden, which was flat and fertile, and began to plow. The tool bit deep into the soil, so deep that it actually cut the land off from Sweden and opened out to the ocean. The land she plowed became the Danish island of Sjaelland (Zealand) where the capital city of Copenhagen lies, and the depression from where the land she carved off came from became Lake Malaren (although some scholars think that the myth was actually about Lake Vanern, which better fits Snorri’s description).
This story is supported by a shorter and less clear version from 9th century poet Bragi Boddason’s Ragnarsdrapa (which likely was the basis for Snorri’s version). Gefjon supposedly went to live there afterwards, based on Odin’s visions of the future, and was married to Skjoldr, Odin’s son, and the first king of Zealand, later known as Denmark. And so, this crafty goddess of agriculture and fertility (who some sources say was a virgin goddess and the patron of woman who died unmarried, although other stories say she definitely had sex and a husband), is directly responsible for Denmark being a thing and for it’s ancient line of kings.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll head down to Brazil for a little summer sun before the winter holiday special. You’ll see that it’s rude to call your son stupid his entire life, that some people just aren’t meant for school, and that butterflies are more badass that you ever realized. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet an evil witch crocodile turned beloved children’s tv star. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.