Episode 36 – One Sexy Cucumber – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 36 Show Notes

Source: Balinese and Javanese Folklore

This week on MYTH, it’s time for an island vacation. You’ll learn that cucumbers can make babies, that the Green Giant is a terrible mascot, and that spicy food can be a lifesaver. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a Balinese floating head monster that hunts babies. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 36, “One Sexy Cucumber”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
Continuing our tropical vacation from our last episode, we’re going to be island hopping out to Java this week for a delightfully weird story with some definite sexual innuendo. In some respects, the story of Timun Mas, which is Javanese for the Golden Cucumber, plays with a lot of the same themes as the much better known fairy tale from Europe, Little Red Riding Hood. You’ll see.
Once upon a time, on the island of Java, there lived a poor widow named Mbok Srini, who lived alone in her hut in the jungle. Some versions of the story have a young, childless couple on a small farm at the edge of the jungle, but I feel like this version works better. It’s more on-brand. Anyway, Mbok was lonely and isolated, and more than anything, she desperately wanted to be a mother. She and her husband had tried, but he had died soon after they got married for reasons that the story doesn’t find particularly important, so pick your favorite romantically tragic death scene. Each night, she begged the gods for a chance to be a mother, because she knew it would take a miracle unless she could find a good man to marry a poor, lonely widow.
In one version, a giant passing by her hut in the night hears her prayer and offers a deal, but that seems a little too convenient, so I’ll go with the other version, which has the gods speaking to her in a dream one night after praying her usual prayer. In her dream, she found herself standing in the jungle, alone among the thick, towering trees. The jungle stretches endless around her, the same in every direction, but then it suddenly isn’t. In front of her, where before there were only more trees, she sees a small clearing with a single tree at the center. The roots at the base are huge and gnarled, but she can see something wrapped in a cloth and tucked in between the roots. She walked over in that weird, endless way dreams sometimes have, but just as her hands reached out to pull back the cloth and see what was inside, she found herself lying in her bed.
She lay there, listening to the nocturnal sounds of the jungle, of things hunting and dying, and she thought about her dream. It had felt…real, somehow. True. She decided that her dream had been meant as an omen, and resolved to go out into the jungle at dawn to look for the child she was sure the gods had promised her. She tried to go back to sleep, but she found she was too excited, so as soon as the sky began to lighten, she rose and dressed, then headed out into the wild.
She was no stranger to the jungle. Although she was a farmer, she ventured in from time to time to hunt or to gather things that she didn’t grow herself, so she wasn’t worried about getting lost. Deeper into the wood she went, and the trees grew larger and thicker until eventually, they seemed to stretch to infinity in all directions. It felt familiar, and a small anticipatory smile creased her lips. She traveled a little farther and, as she had known she would, she came to a little clearing in the middle of the jungle, and a single tree stood at the center. She rushed forward, peering through the heavy shadows of the deep forest. The roots were every bit as huge and gnarled as they had been in her dream. As she got closer, she saw a small cloth wrapped around a bundle placed between the roots. Laughing she reached out and pulled back the cloth.
She cooed as she got the first glimpse of her new baby…only to realize that there was in fact no baby wrapped inside. Instead, all she found were the cold, wet, mushy seeds of a cucumber, and yes, that is absolutely meant to be a semen metaphor. Behind her, a deep, booming, monstrous laugh rang out, and she realized she was holding the rag that Butho Ijo, or the Green Giant, had used to clean up his plant-based jizz. He looked like a man, but huge, with green skin and mossy hair (not unlike the mascot for Green Giant vegetables). It was he who had heard the widow’s prayer and sent her a dream to call her here to him. He too wanted a child, but he needed a mortal’s help, so he offered Mbok Srini a deal.
“Go home, mortal woman, and plant the cucumber seeds in the soil of your farm. It will grow into a child, and you, Mbok, you will raise and nurture it as your own. You will finally have your heart’s desire and be a mother. However, when the child turns seventeen, you will return her here to me.” “Why? Why do you only want the child when it’s an adult? What are you planning to do?” Butho Ijo grinned a verdant snarl. “I’m going to eat them, of course. I hunger, and nothing is as sweet as the flesh of your own body, raised with love by a mortal.” Mbok was less than sanguine about this part of the deal, but she was terrified that this was the only chance she would ever have to be a mother, so she agreed to the terms. The giant vanished into the undergrowth, leaving the widow alone with her giant-semen stained rag.
She hurried back the way she came and planted the cucumber seed in her field as soon as she got back. She cared for it diligently, watering and fertilizing it, and in time, a huge golden cucumber began to grow from the seed. She was nervous, since this wasn’t exactly a baby, but golden cucumbers weren’t exactly normal either, so she continued to water and protect the little plant as it grew. When it was ripe, Mbok picked the cucumber and, unsure what else to do, carefully pried it open. To her delight, she found a beautiful baby girl nestled in the center of the golden cucumber and so she named the girl Timun Mas, which naturally means “golden cucumber” because all of the names are very literal in this story.
Years went by, and Timun Mas grew from an adorable little baby to a precocious little girl to a beautiful young woman. Remarkably, she was even more lovely inside than out; she was kind, patient, and loving, and she was always diligent and helpful towards her aging single mother. Her memories of how she had gotten her child faded with time, and by the time the girl was sixteen, Mbok Srini had almost convinced herself that she had gotten knocked up by her beloved husband before he died and the whole business with the cucumber seed had just been a weird dream. That lie shattered a week before Timun’s birthday when Butho Ijo showed up at the house.
Nearly two decades had passed since that day in the jungle, but the green giant looked exactly the same as he had, although Mbok Srini was now an old woman (hey, people died younger back then). “I have come to remind you of our deal, mortal woman. In one week, I will return to claim my daughter and take her away with me. I hope you have enjoyed motherhood, but now it is time to say your goodbyes.” Without waiting for a reply, he strode back into the jungle.
The old widow had hoped that she would never be asked to hold up her end of the bargain, but now that she was, she found that she loved her strange, wonderful magic child and couldn’t stand to see her be eaten by her father (I know, crazy right?) so she racked her brain to try and think of a way out. Unfortunately, she was a poor, humble farmer, so she didn’t have any especially clever ideas. Fortunately, she knew of a rishi, or wise magi (sort of like the brujos from last episode) who lived nearby. He was a hermit, and lived alone on the top of the mountain that rose out of the jungle. If anyone knew how to save her daughter, it was him.
That very day, she set out for the mountain, and by the following morning, she had reached the peak and found the rishi. She told the man her story, and he frowned. “Well, we certainly can’t let that bastard eat your lovely daughter. It wouldn’t be right!” He went inside his hut and rummaged around for a bit before coming back outside with four small sacks.
He handed them to the confused old woman. “What’s in the bags, wise old man?” “Well, one is full of cucumber seeds, one is full of needles, one is full of salt, and one is full of terasi (a spicy shrimp paste used in cooking on Java). When the giant comes for her, tell her to run. If he gives chase, and I expect he will, have her throw the these over her shoulder at him.” The old woman was confused, not sure how such mundane items were supposed to stop such a powerful magical creature, but she had asked the rishi for help and he had provided. She didn’t have any better ideas, so she went back home and gave her daughter the four sacks, along with the instructions. Then, they tried and failed to get on with their normal lives as they waited for Butho Ijo to return.
As promised, the giant returned on Timun Mas’ 17th birthday. “Where is my little girl? Oh, little one, you look so lovely! Come here! You look so good, I could just eat you up, and unlike most parents, that’s not hyperbole. I’m gonna kill and eat you girl!” Mbok Srini stepped between the giant and her daugther. “Run, my child! Run! Run for your life!” With a last glance at her mother, afraid of what her father would do, she did as her mother bade and she ran. Behind her, the giant bellowed in rage. She heard a sickening wet thump, followed by her mother crying out in pain, then she heard a deafening crashing sound as the giant smashed their home to pieces in punishment for trying to break the bargain. Then, he took off after his fleeing daughter/meal.
Mortal terror drove her legs like pistons, and for a while she was able to stay ahead of the giant, who was larger and far less nimble. She was only human, though, and she couldn’t keep it up forever. Soon, her lungs felt filled with liquid fire, and her legs ached with the strain of her prolonged sprint. Behind her, Timun Mas could hear the giant catching up to her. He wasn’t far behind anymore, and soon he would catch her. Desperately, she fumbled at her belt where she had tied the four humble sacks from the rishi. She undid the first sack and dumped it over her shoulder as she ran.
It turned out to be the cucumber seeds, which sank immediately into the earth. As the green giant thundered over the spilled seeds, a thousand vines shot out of the earth. They wrapped green tendrils around the giant’s legs, tripping him to the ground, were more tendrils reached up to tie him fast to the earth. Timun Mas kept running, gaining a lead on the enraged giant. The shoots were strong, but Butho Ijo was stronger, and it wasn’t long before he ripped the cucumber vines clean out of the earth, got to his feet once more, and continued the chase.
He was as indefatigable as ever, and he soon closed the distance between himself and his daughter again. She heard him crashing through the jungle not far behind her, so she undid the second sack on her belt and dumped it behind her as she ran. This one turned out to be the sack of needles, which also sank into the earth without a trace. As the giant’s heavy footfalls shook the needled soil, a forest of wickedly sharp bamboo shoots erupted from the earth directly under the giant. I don’t know if you ever saw the Mythbusters episode were they show that bamboo is absolutely capable of growing right through a human body, but if so, it’s a good visual for exactly what happened here, only a million times faster. The bamboo ripped bloody holes in the giants body, and he bellowed with pain and a white hot rage.
Butho Ijo was badly wounded but his anger drove him, and he refused to let this mortal bitch get the better of him. He ripped his way through the bamboo forest, leaving patches of green flesh impaled on the wood, dripping green, unnatural blood. He was moving slower now, but he was still faster than Timun Mas. It wasn’t long before he was hot on her heels yet again. She hasn’t suffered the way the giant has, but she’s still been running a long time through uneven, difficult terrain, so she’s tired. Fear can only drive you so hard for so long. Hearing him so close, she unties the third sack, this one containing salt, and dumps it behind her without stopping.
Behind her, she hears a rushing roar as a magical ocean opens in the jungle. Butho Ijo sank like a stone in the water with a look of pure shock on his face. For a moment, Timun Mas thought that she was safe, and she slowed, but then the water churned and bubbled, and the giant rocketed out of the salty sea and began to swim across. With an exhausted gasp, she turned and continued to run. Fresh fear gave her a fresh burst of speed for a while, but it was a short while, and soon her abused body simply couldn’t be forced to go any faster. Behind her, she could hear the giant, wounds burning from his salt bath, gaining again.
With a sense of growing desperation, she undid the fourth and final sack (and you had to know she was going to need all of them, because it’s Checkov’s magical sack). The last one contained the spicy shrimp paste, and she dumped this behind her as she limped along, running on fumes.
As had happened each time before, the paste sank into the earth until the giant’s pounding strides shook the earth. As he crossed over the middle of the spilled terasi, the earth burst open to reveal a lake of boiling, steaming volcanic mud. The giant screamed in agony and fear as his legs sank into the scalding mud, but his struggles to escape only drew him deeper into the fiery embrace of the thick, viscous mud. She watched, relieved and horrified, as the giant’s mouth, still screaming, filled with the boiling mud, silencing him at last and forever. He disappeared beneath the mud and drowned, never to be seen again. Timun Mas walked slowly back to the place where her home had once been to find her mother leaning against a tree, in pain but alive. They embraced, thankful to be safe at last. Together, they rebuilt their home and Mbok Srini and Timun Mas lived happily ever after.
The other version of this story that I found cuts out the rishi, meaning that the childless couple just has four magic sacks lying around for no goddamned reason, which is why i went with this version of the story instead. It’s one of countless variations on a theme that, as I mentioned earlier, we mostly know from Little Red Riding Hood. Essentially, the story is a warning not to let some random dude, especially one you don’t know well, to get you naked and do the naughty with his dirty penis because he could be dangerous. It’s the same whether you get eaten by a wolf or your cucumber baby gets eaten by her giant daddy. Also, this particular story warns you that the island of Java doesn’t fuck around with its spice, so eat with caution. You can now consider yourselves duly warned, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is the Balinesian monster known as the leyak (or the leak, if you’re Indonesian and nasty).
The leyak, who’s name literally means “bad witch”, is one of the most unusual variations on the vampire concept, although vampire isn’t exactly a perfect fit. Traditionally, there are three major, legendary leyaks, two females and one male, although many more have learned from them since. They got their start as humans who delved deep into black magic and cannibalism, until their dark power twisted their forms. Their leader is Rangda, the queen of the leyak. She was a widow-witch (because that’s the number one target for traditional patriarchal fear, the old woman alone).
In daylight, leyaks appear totally human, but at night, they became a true Lovecraftian horror. When darkness falls, the leyak’s head will grow huge fangs and a long, hideous tongue, then rip off from the body and fly off into the night, but it gets worse. How you ask? The head doesn’t go alone: it flies off, dragging the body’s entrails, organs, and sometimes the spine beneath in like some twisted jellyfish. It prowls the darkness looking for a pregnant woman or a newborn infant, so that it can drink the baby’s blood.
Leyaks are said to haunt graveyards and feed on corpses when baby isn’t available. Since a floating disembodied head dragging a charnal house beneath it is pretty obvious, leyaks also have the ability to change form into animals, especially pigs or nocturnal animals, and some stories say they can also change into objects such as a bike, a flaming ghost known as an endih, or others that it needs.
Unexpected illnesses or unexplained deaths are often attributed to the leyak. In such cases, a balian (a traditional Balinese healer) will conduct a seance to try to identify with magic who is the leyak responsible for the death. The spirit of the dead is summoned and given the ability to lead the holy man back to its murderer. In an unusual twist, mob violence is discouraged, as it is preferred to let the spirit have its own vengeance on the witch who either is or is controlling the leyak.
If you do happen to find a leyak who is in the middle of its nightly terror jaunt, you can kill it by stabbing its abandoned body and leaving the knife in the stump of the neck so that the floating head cannot return to the body. It needs human blood to survive, but it can’t survive the sunrise without being reunited with its body.
It is common for masks of the leyak to be hung in the village death temple for use in certain rites and festivals. Sometimes, the statues of the floating leyak heads are actually used for decor in homes, which is gnarly. So if you’re wandering the streets of Bali at night, and you come across a headless body, you should do the right thing and stab it in the severed neck. There’s no way the police will think you murdered someone, I promise.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll stick with our island theme one more time, although quite a bit less tropical. We’ll hop over to Japan where you’ll learn that the sun can be a woman, that younger siblings are a pain in the ass, and that you can beat a dragon with booze. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll meet an adorable pig ghost that can really ruin your day. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.