Episode 32 – Fantasy Island – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 32 Show Notes

Source: Persian Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’ll catch a magic carpet ride for some ancient Persian cities, some of which still exist. You’ll learn that even the ancients had filters on their pictures, that it’s better to be lucky than good, and that sometimes the characters in old stories can actually be good people. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s the demonic duo that wants to lasso your soul for being naughty. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 32, “Fantasy Island”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
We’ve spent a lot of time lately on some of the typical world cultures, so I thought that it was time to go back to something a little less well known. Today, we’ll catch a magic carpet to ancient Persia for a story that was later adapted into the 1001 Nights (which we last touched in Episodes 22A and 22B), so buckle up. It’s gonna be a crazy ride.
Many years ago, there lived a sultan of Egypt named Asem ben Sefouan. He had two sons; the elder has no name in the story (being relatively unimportant), but the younger was named Prince Seyf el Moulouk. In one version of the story, the sultan of Egypt, Asim ibn Safwan and his vizier, Faris ibn Salih (himself a powerful lord of Cairo), are both childless. They go to King Solomon (from the last 1001 night episode) for advice, and he tells them to kill two special snakes and feed the meat to their wives, who will each bear a son. Upon their birth, the royal astronomers predict many hardships for both, and so the Sultan takes care to prepare both for a life of danger. Of course, in that version, there is no older brother, so it’s tricky to reconcile the two. We’re going to assume that the bit with the snake meat was for a different king of Egypt and not relevant to the story.
Anyway, the younger prince and the vizier’s son grow up together and train together, and the two boys become good friends. Prince Seyf trusts the vizier’s son, Saed, more than almost anyone else in the world, and Saed is his constant companion in more than a few pranks and childish misadventures over the years. When Seyf was 16, he was wandering the palace when he happened to see that the door to his father’s treasure vault was open. “That’s weird. There’s no guards, either. I should probably tell someone about this. On the other hand, the thief could still be inside, and what an adventure it would be to apprehend such a dastardly villain!”
Throwing caution to the wind, Seyf rushed inside to find it empty. No mustache-twirling ne’er-do-well in sight. He sighed, but being a prince, he felt it was his duty to survey the vault and see if anything looked to have been disturbed or taken before reporting it to his father’s guards. He needed to be thorough, right? The vault was full of the usual gold and jewels, but it also held a number of stranger objects, and the young prince examined these with keen interest. He’d heard that his father had visited with a powerful king before he’d been born, and there was no telling what kind of awesome magical shit he might have been given by that legendary king.
As he moved through the room, his eyes fell on a box carved out of red sandalwood and inlaid with diamonds, pearls, topazes, and emeralds. This was clearly a valuable item, so he could only imagine what incredible treasure such a box had been made to hold. He picked it up (heedless of any worry that magical items could have nasty defenses or curses for the unwary) and he opened it with the little golden key that was sitting in the lock. Inside, he found a beautiful golden ring, carved with intricate designs, and a smaller golden box holding a small portrait of a young woman. She was exquisite, so beautiful that the young prince wondered whether it was possible for a real person to be anywhere close to this beautiful in real life. Having led a sheltered life, Seyf hadn’t met many women, and even fewer near to his own age, so this woman in the portrait enthralled him. He became convinced that this must be a portrait of a living woman (with no evidence whatsoever) and that he was madly in love with her. It was the royal version of teenage puppy love.
Seyf knew he couldn’t just put the picture back and forget about it. He had to find her. He had to! Having convinced himself that this was true love, he pocketed both the portrait and the carved ring and went to find Saed, who was a few years older. Seyf told Saed what had happened and showed him the golden box with the inset portrait. “I need to find her, my friend, but I have no idea how to even begin!” Saed said nothing, but examined the box and portrait closely. He pulled out a dagger and carefully inserted it between the box and the picture frame, popping it out. Seyf hadn’t even thought to wonder if the picture could come out of the box! Saed had always been the brains of their harebrained schemes.
Turning the small portrait over, the two young men discovered delicate writing in Arabic on the back: ‘Badi’a al-Jamal, daughter of King Achahbal’. This discovery sent a thrill through Seyf’s brain and dick. She was real. He knew it! He knew it all along! Now that he was certain she was real, naturally he absolutely had to go and find her to profess his love. He was at an age where marriage wasn’t out of the question, and a beautiful princess would be perfect for a young, handsome second prince. “Can you find out where she lives, Saed? I can’t afford to be heard asking, or my father will get wind of it and put an end to this adventure.” Saed agreed that he could and went out into Cairo to ask the wisest men he knew. Unfortunately, none of them knew a damned thing about the mysterious princess or her father.
“Sorry, bro, but I couldn’t find her. I don’t think anyone in Cairo knows what you seek.” “Then we’ll leave Cairo, bud. We’ll leave Egypt if we have to. I love this woman, so I’m going to go look for her, and I solemnly swear that I shall not return until I have found her!” “How are you going to do that, though? Your father isn’t exactly going to let you just wander the countryside. I mean, yeah, your brother’s the heir, so you’ve got a little more freedom, but since a kingdom always needs and heir and a spare, he’s going to want to keep you safe. Also, fatherly love and whatnot.” Seyf smiled. “Don’t worry about it, bro. I have a plan.”
He went to see his father in private. “Hey pops, I was wondering: would it be cool if I went to go see Baghdad? I’ve heard some really cool stuff about the city, and you’re always saying I should get to know our kingdom. I could visit the court of the caliph there and see the marvels you’ve told me about.” His father thought about it and decided that this seemed a fine idea. His older brother would probably be the one on the throne, but Seyf might end up as a lord or in power in another kingdom, and it would be wise to make sure he was well educated.
Seyf didn’t want a lot of eyes on him as he left (especially since he fully intended to set out from Baghdad in search of his mystery woman as soon as he had any idea where to go), so (with his father’s blessing) Seyf took only his friend Saed and a handful of trusted servants and slaves. Hey, he’s still a prince and still a little spoiled. What, did you think he was going to carry his own shit?
It was a bit of a hike to Baghdad, and Seyf filled the time by speculating with Saed about who the mysterious Princess Badi’a al-Jamal really was and what she would be like. He would take the picture out at night and admire it, turning the golden ring over in his fingers. Very soon after leaving, he started wearing the ring from his father’s treasure room. Since he’d found it with the portrait, he liked to think it had once belonged to her and that wearing it brought them a little closer together.
When the small group got to Baghdad, they toured the city and saw the sights, and then they asked the caliph for recommendations on the wisest men in the city to ask for advice. He happily provided a list, and Seyf and Saed went to one after another, asking if they knew where to find the kingdom ruled by King Achahbal. One by one, they admitted that they had never heard of any such kingdom. One of the last, a wizened old man, did have one piece of advice to offer, however. “If you really need to find this place, then you should ask Old Man Padmanaba in Basrah.” “Thanks, sir, I’ll…wait, Old Man Padmanaba? No offense, sir, but you have to be at least 80. How old does someone have to be for you to call them ‘old man’?” “Oh, he’s 170 years old! He’s learned everything worth knowing in that time, so if anyone knows, it’ll be him.”
This was the closest thing to a solid lead Seyf had, so they immediately set out for Basrah, a city in what is now Iraq. Once there, it wasn’t hard to find the home of the old-ass man. Everyone knew him and revered his sage advice. Seyf and Saed knocked on the door, which opened to reveal an old but still very hale and vigorous man. His eyes twinkled merrily at the two young men on his doorstep. “Come in, lads, come in! What can I do for you?” “Honored sir, I am trying to find the lands where King Achahbal reigns. It is vitally important to me that I find it. I spoke to the wise men of Baghdad, and none knew where it was, but the wisest said that you would definitely know the roads I need to take to get there.”
Padmanaba shook his head sadly. “I am sorry, lads, but the wise men in Baghdad think me less ignorant than I am. I’m afraid I do not know how to get to the States of Achahbal.” “Then all is lost. I’ll never find her.” “I didn’t say that, young man. I don’t know where it is, exactly, but that’s not to say I don’t know anything about it. When I was a younger man, I heard some sailors speak of this place. It has been many, many years, but I think they said that it lay on an island near the island kingdom of Serendib (modern day Sri Lanka). I could be mistaken, but it’s the best I can do for you. I’m sorry, lads.” Seyf’s face had broken into a radiant smile. “Don’t be sorry, good sir! This is the best clue we’ve had so far! By Allah, I will find that princess yet!”
The two young men rushed back to the caliph’s palace to pick up their servants, slaves, and gear, and then trekked down to the Bay of Basrah. It wasn’t terribly hard to find a merchant ship for the island of Surat, in India, and they were easily able to buy passage on the ship. Seyf was one his way! From Surat, they headed over to Goa and went to the port. After a few inquiries, they soon located a ship that was leaving in the next few days and passing near to Serendib.
The ship left Goa early in the morning, and soon found a favorable wind. The sky was clear and the sea was gentle, so the ship made good time. Of course, this wouldn’t be a very interesting story if things just kept falling into place for the rich, entitled prince, so you know it can’t last. Around noon on the second day, the winds abruptly shifted. By evening, the winds had whipped up into a deadly tempest, driving waves higher than the ship itself. The sailors cried that the ship was doomed, that there was no way they could ride out this storm. Each time the ship rose on the back of the wave, Seyf had to cling for dear life to avoid sliding back and tumbling over the rail. His hands were cold and numb, and ached from clinging to the slick wood. Then, the ship would crest the white-capped monster wave, and the ship would turn to look down into what seemed the very depths of Hell itself.
The waves took their toll on the ship, which soon began to take on water. Everyone raced to the dinghies to abandon ship, Seyf and Saed among them. They had barely cleared the ship’s rigging when, with a stentorian crack that echoed even above the thundering waves and the roar of the storm, the merchant ship broke and began to sink beneath the waves, creating a massive whirlpool in its wake. The small boat was thrown wildly about the ocean by the water and set to spinning. By the time the sailors had it under control, none of the other lifeboats were in sight. The small group was on its own.
Throughout the night, the tiny lifeboat was tossed aimlessly on the waves. With the sky covered in dark storm clouds, none of them even knew where they were heading. It was late in the night before the storm finally broke and the sky cleared. Dawn broke bright and fresh to a world that was nothing but empty waves in all directions. The ship continued to drift, since no one knew which way to row and they didn’t have any food or water, so they would need to conserve energy. No more than half an hour later, one of the sailors spotted something in the distance. “Land ho!”
The oars were broken out, and the boat soon made landfall on what turned out to be a small island. The white sand beach quickly gave way to a dense forest including a number of fruit trees so thickly laden with fruit that the branches hung nearly to the ground. The group was incredibly hungry by now, so they picked and ate their fill, and all agreed that they had never tasted sweeter. The boat was dragged up above high tide and tied off to prevent it from being blown away, and then the men set out into the forest to see what they could find.
The little island was a paradise, but for one thing: it was completely deserted. Though they searched all day, they saw no signs of human habitation. Other than that, it was a delightful place to be marooned. Fresh springs bubbled up in several places, and the air was perfumed with the smells of aloe and sandalwood from the trees. Fruit trees were everywhere, so at least they didn’t have to worry about dehydration or starvation. Prince Seyf was confused as to how a place this perfect could be empty. “I don’t like it, Saed. We can’t possibly be the first people to have ever found this place, so why didn’t anyone stay? Why is it abandoned?” Saed nodded gravely. “You’ve got good instincts. I was just thinking the same thing. If no one lives here, it must be because no one can live here. I don’t think we’ve seen everything this island is hiding yet. We should be on our guard.”
It was much easier said than done, however, and the party soon gave over to a celebration of their survival around a bonfire. When it grew late, they banked the fire and stretched out on the soft, fragrant beds of flowers to sleep. Seyf had a deep, dreamless, and incredibly refreshing sleep and woke to the warmth of the sun dappled with the shade of the trees. He sat up, yawned, and stretched. “Oh man, I feel great! I don’t think I’ve ever slept that well, have you, Saed? Saed?” Seyf looked around and realized that the glade was empty. The ashes of the bonfire were still in the ring of rocks, smoldering slightly, but not a soul was in sight.
“What the fuck? I can’t imagine that Saed would just abandon me like this, and everyone else with him. Something must have happened.” With nothing better to do, and no real leads to go on, Prince Seyf set out into the forest to search. He covered the island as methodically as he could, which took time. As the sun was beginning to set, Seyf had only covered a fraction of the island so far, but he knew better than to keep searching after darkness fell. It would be too easy to trip over an unseen root and break his ankle. Figuring that if Saed or any of the sailors were to get out of whatever predicament they had gotten into, they would probably head back to the campsite, Seyf went back to sleep in the same place. As he had expected, though, no one was there.
No one appeared overnight, so he set out again in the morning to continue his thorough search of the island. Again, he found no sign of the missing men and again he returned to the campsite to sleep alone. Sitting by the small fire he had kindled in the firepit, Seyf spoke aloud to his missing friend. “Where the fuck are you, Saed? I’ve never been alone before, not really, not like this. I…I miss you, my friend. You were always there for me, and talking to you always helped to lift my spirits and ease my burdens. Shit, it might have been better to have gone with you to whatever horror befell you than to wander here, utterly alone.”
The worst part of the whole thing for Seyf was the not knowing. The island wasn’t that big, and he couldn’t imagine what had become of that entire group all at once and without a trace. The longer he stayed there, alone, the more resolved the young prince became to either find his missing friend or find death. Seyf lost track of the days as he methodically searched every square foot of the island. On one day (he wasn’t sure how many days it had been since he first washed ashore here), he went into the woods he had seen the day they first arrived. It was harder to be methodical with all of the trees blocking him from going in straight lines, but he persisted. Deep within, he came upon something…unexpected. A castle. A motherfucking castle.
It was the first sign of human habitation he had seen on this godforsaken island, although it raised more questions than it answered. He didn’t know who lived here or why they hadn’t left any sign on the island, or where his missing men had gone. Now that he thought about it, finding the castle actually didn’t answer any questions. It just raised new ones.
Considering that it was so completely isolated, with no roads leading to it, the castle was surprisingly huge and well-built, complete with a water-filled moat and a drawbridge. Wonder of wonders, the drawbridge was down and unguarded. It was a terrible security lapse, but it was helpful to him, so he decided to just be grateful and head inside.
Across the moat, the gate opened into a large, magnificent courtyard. The walkway was paved in spotless white marble and lined with a riot of gorgeous flowers. The path led through the garden to a beautifully carved door made of aloe wood. Stunningly intricate birds were carved into the door in bas-relief, so cunningly worked as to seem almost real. The door was closed and locked with a massive padlock worked in the shape of a roaring lion. In another stunning lapse in security, the key sat in the lock set into the lion’s mouth.
Seyf reached out and took the key in his hand to turn it, but the entire lock shattered under his gentle touch like struck glass. The pieces clattered to the marble with a musical tinkle, and the door pushed inward almost of its own accord. Seyf was more than a little surprised at how easy it was to get into the well-built castle with its heavy locks, but as a prince, he was used to getting his way pretty easily, so he didn’t think too hard about it.
On the other side of the door, he found a black marble staircase winding up into the heights of the castle. At the top of the stairs, he entered another door locked with a padlock that shattered in his hands as he turned the key to find a grand hall fit for a king. It was decorated in rich brocaded silks and appointed with plush, luxurious sofas of silk and spun gold. Seyf crossed the room through the only other door, this one unlocked, and found an elegantly appointed bedchamber. It too was richly decorated and luxurious as all hell, with crazy expensive furniture like the jade table against one wall, but he had ceased to notice his surroundings. His attention was all on the beautiful young woman lying motionless on a large sofa.
Now, in any other story, this young woman would miraculously be the Princess Badi’a al-Jamal that Seyf had been seeking, and damn the odds against such a happenstance meeting, but not this story. The young woman lying on the couch, head resting on a plush purple pillow, was an intoxicatingly beautiful stranger. “If I hadn’t seen the beauty of my dear Princess Badi’a al-Jamal, I would probably be enamored of her,” he thought to himself. He watched her silently for a time, but could discern no sign of life. He did not hear the quiet susurration of breathing, and he did not see the gentle rise and fall of her chest (which he was staring at purely for medical reasons, to be sure).
Concerned, he approached the couch to find that, up close, he could now see very slight movement in time with her impossibly slow breaths. Prince Seyf wasn’t sure what to do. This young woman might be in need of help, but she might also be extremely deeply asleep, and waking her could do more harm than good. “I wish Saed were here. It would really help to be able to bounce ideas off him right now. There are so many mysteries piling up around this goddamned island: why is a beautiful woman practically in a coma locked in a magnificently appointed castle on a deserted island that swallowed up everyone else but me without a trace?”
Feeling intrusive, he left the young lady’s bedchamber without touching her (unlike some of the people in our previous stories) and went back outside. With no better plan, he decided to continue his search of the island for his missing compatriots and return in several hours to see if the young woman had awoken of her own accord.
As he walked in this part of the island, he began to encounter several very strange creatures. First, he came upon a group of weird, chitinous beasts the size of tigers, but formed more like some nightmare reimagining of a giant ant. As big and dangerous as they looked, he expected them to be ferocious killers (maybe explaining the missing people), but they fled at the sight of him. Over the course of the next several hours, as he searched and harvested fruit for his meals, he came upon any number of horrible looking monsters who, although built like deadly predators, ran the fuck away from him like Monty Python’s knights from the deadly flesh-eating bunny rabbit. He racked his brain as he walked, but he couldn’t think of any rational explanation for all of these absurdities.
As the sun began to set, Seyf headed back towards the castle. He again climbed the stairs to the elegant bedchamber to find the young woman exactly where he had left her, still deeply asleep. He squatted down on his heels and thought. Everything about this reeked of the supernatural, and the woman could be a trap. If he woke her, she might devour his soul. On the other hand, she was the only living person he had encountered so far (well, mostly living anyway), and if he was ever going to get answers, she was his best shot. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” he said to no one and approached the woman.
He walked up to her still form, placed his hands upon her slender arm, and shook her gently. No response. He shook harder. No response. He shook her harder still, disarraying her hair a little and sliding the couch back a few inches. No response. “Well shit. This is definitely magic. There’s probably some talisman somewhere in this castle keeping her asleep. Without it, I can probably shake her all day, shout right in her ears, and never wake her up.” Backing away from the couch, he went looking for the talisman.
Naturally, he started in the young woman’s room. Other than the sofa with the sleeping woman, the most obvious object in the room was the jade table. It was baller as fuck, carved entirely out of solid jade; it had to be worth a small fortune. As he neared the table, he saw intricate carvings on the surface, some of which might be words. He walked closer and, placing his hands on the table surface to steady himself, he leaned in close to try and make sense of what was carved into the table. He never had a chance. Even before he finished leaning over to try and see the carvings, the table shattered under his touch like a bit of delicate china struck with a wrecking ball.
“Okay, seriously, what the fuck is up with everything in this stupid castle breaking at the slightest touch? In hindsight, I’m damned lucky the poor woman didn’t shatter when I touched her arm.” He stood to keep searching, but he heard a small sound behind him. He whirled around to see the lady stretching with a mighty yawn and sitting up.
The young woman’s eyes fell on the prince standing awkwardly and looking at her, and she let out a yelp. “Holy shit! Young man! How did you get in here? This castle is protected with a stupid amount of protection and obstacles to prevent exactly this. Entering this castle is beyond human power, so I guess you can’t be as human as you look. Are you the prophet Elijah maybe?”
“A prophet? No, miss, I’m just a simple man and I can promise you that, other than getting shipwrecked here, I made my way into this castle and into your room with absolutely no difficulty. All of the locks have shattered as soon as I even touched them; no one and nothing tried to stop me on my way up here, and waking you up proved shockingly easy. I don’t know why you would bother with a powerful magical spell anchored by a table that breaks if anyone touches it. Seems silly.”
“Bullshit. I know how dangerous this island and this castle are, and there is no way a mere mortal man just sauntered in here with no effort. You must be lying to me. You can’t be just some random dude!” “Okay, well, if I’m being completely honest, I guess it’s not entirely accurate to say that I am just a simple man. My dad is a king, after all, but that still makes me a flesh and blood human. I still just a man. If anything, you being here, alone on a deserted island in a magical castle and shocked to see a human being makes me wonder if you are actually human yourself. It would be a classic trick to convince me that you’re mortal by pretending to doubt that I am.”
“No, good sir, I too am from the race of Adam. Alright, say I accept that we’re both human. Why did you leave your father’s court, and how did you end up on this island?” Prince Seyf told her the whole story about finding the portrait of Princess Badi’a al-Jamal, falling in love with her, and heading out to try and meet her in person. He pulled out the little picture as proof and showed it to her. She turned it over in her hands contemplatively. “I have heard of King Achahbal. He rules an island that neighbors Serendib. If his daughter is as beautiful as her portrait shows, I can see why you love her, but I wouldn’t put too much stock in a royal portrait. No offense, but royals can be a vain, prickly bunch and often demand that artists paint their likenesses in a very, very flattering light. She may look nothing at all like this. Finish your story, and then I’ll tell you mine.”
He told her about the shipwreck and about all of his men disappearing, including his best friend, and finished up with finding her here. Then it was her turn. Like Seyf, her father was a king. The King of Serendib, in fact. She was his only daughter, and he always doted on her. One day, she was out with the court ladies to go to a fancy spa outside of the capital city. It had a private garden with a massive heated marble tub that she had been told was the height of luxury. She had barely stripped naked to bathe and entered the water with her favorite slave when a massive whirlwind erupted above them from nowhere. Out of the heart of the black storm, a monstrous bird swooped down and seized her in its claws.
She thought she was about to be bird food, but it carried her across the waves to the deserted island and set her down in the courtyard of the castle. The bird melted, shedding its feathers to reveal the form of a young jinn. He bowed low, as she struggled to cover as much of her naked body as she could, although the damage was already done. “Dear Princess, I am one of the most powerful jinn in this world. I was flying over the the capital of Serendib this morning, and I happened to glance down as I passed the garden bath. I was struck by your radiant beauty and became enamoured of you. ‘There is one truly ravishing princess. It would be a shame for that kind of loveliness to be wasted on a mere mortal. She deserves the power and prestige of one of the jinn, and I am willing to be that jinn!’ So, my lady, I swooped down, kidnapped you, and carried you here to a remote deserted island that no one will ever find. Forget your father and your kingdom; instead, think only of falling in love with me. You’re never leaving here, so you might as well let me fuck you. While you get around to swooning over my impressiveness, I will make sure that your every need is catered to.”
She didn’t know how he expected her to react to being kidnapped from her bath and carried naked to a prison where she was to become slave to the lust of an evil jinn, but he didn’t expect her to stand there, miserable and shivering, weeping uncontrollably. “Poor Malika,” she said aloud to herself. “Is this the fate destined for you? Has your father brought you up with such love and tenderness only to have the sorrow of losing you forever to an unbelievable asshole? He’ll never know what really happened, and the shock of losing me might actually kill him!” “No, no, little princess. Your father will not succumb to grief, never fear, so I trust that with that fear gone you can start falling in love with me now? I’ll make it worth your while by giving you whatever you want, as long as whatever you want can be had here, alone.” “Are you fucking serious? You think that kidnapping and sexually assaulting me are going to make fall in love with you? Fuck that and fuck you! I’ll never love you. I hate you with every fiber of my being, and that will never change!” “Never is a long time, princess, and I have all the time in the world. You’ll change your mind eventually. I’m sure of it. Time fixes everything.”
“Not this. Time can’t work a miracle like this. The longer we wait, the more my hatred will grow.” She thought this would piss him off, but he just smiled condescendingly. “We’ll see.” He disappeared to parts unknown, returning hours later with an assortment of lovely, expensive clothes in her size. He never explained, and she didn’t bother asking. For a time, he tried to win her over with lavish gifts, but it never seemed to put a dent in her icy hatred. Soon, he realized that Malika had been telling the truth when she warned him that she wasn’t just going to “get over” being kidnapped and held in isolation until she consented to sex. Like all “good guys”, he became irritated, and placed her in a magical sleep as punishment for not fucking him and laid her on the couch (making sure to get a handful of sexual assault as he moved her) next to the table he had carved with magical runes to keep her alive and asleep through the centuries.
After making the table, the jinn had created two more talismans to make sure that his punished princess wouldn’t be disturbed until she’d had centuries to leave behind her life, leaving her with nothing but him to cling to: one to make the castle invisible, and one to magically seal the door. From time to time, he returns, wakes her up, and gives her a chance to change her mind. Each time she refuses, he knocks her out and leaves again.
Malika wrapped up her story. “So you can see, sir, why I doubt your humanity. You are here in this castle, which isn’t invisible, in this room, which isn’t locked to you, talking to me, while I’m awake. All of that should be impossible. And besides, if you were actually human, you’d be dead. I’ve heard the jinn say that the wild beasts of this island are vicious, bloodthirsty killers that murder and devour anyone who stumbles on this island. That’s why it’s deserted.”
Before Seyf had a chance to digest this news, a dull, reverberating boom echoed through the castle. Malika shushed Seyf and held her breath as she listened. Additional thuds rang through the staircase, and Malika gasped. “Shit shit shit! He’s here. The jinn is here! If you are human, and he finds you here, he’ll obliterate you. Nothing can save you. What cruel fate brought you to me on the one day he comes back to the castle!”
Seyf thought his death was imminent, and he decided to meet his fate on his feet. He took a deep breath, and then stepped between Malika and the door. There was no need for her to suffer because he had stumbled in here. The door crashed open, and the massive, enraged form of the jinn filled the open doorway. He was taller than Seyf, taller even than any man Seyf had ever met, and broad in a bodybuilder kind of way. Imagine The Rock, but bigger. That was the jinn. In one hand, he carried a massive steel club, perfect for smashing small, scared princes.
The floor shuddered as the jinn approached, steel club clutched in one white-knuckled fist, and Seyf thought that the jinn might be shuddering a little himself. “Oh shit”, thought the prince. “He’s literally shaking with rage at the sight of me. I’m about to die. I’m too pretty to die!” He approached to within a few steps of the prince and paused, staring with wide eyes. In a sudden, terrifying burst of motion, the jinn launched himself towards the prince, who closed his eyes in resignation and waited for the sharp agony that would herald his demise. He waited, but no pain came. He opened one eye cautiously to see the jinn on both knees, face bowed to touch the floor, and both hands held out in supplication. “What the actual fuck? I mean, not that I’m complaining, but…shouldn’t you be trying to kill me?”
“Not unless you wish it, o mighty prince! I will serve you in whatever way you desire. That ring you wear on your finger is the Seal of Solomon, which he used to imprison my brethren in leaded bottles. Whomever possesses it cannot die in any sort of accident. He could sail through the eye of a hurricane and not be swallowed by the waves. The beasts of the earth will flee from him rather than trying to devour him, and he has absolute authority over all of the jinn. It is a mighty magical object, and all lesser talismans crumble beneath its touch.”
Prince Seyf looked down at the ring he had sort of forgotten he was still wearing. “The Seal of Solomon, huh? That explains so much about the last few weeks. So, you’re saying that this ring is the only reason that I’m still alive, right?” “Yes, my lord. It is what has kept you out of the bellies of the wild beasts that live on this island.” “Alright, fair enough. Tell me, genie, what has become of the sailors I arrived here with? What has become of my dear friend Saed?” “I think you know the answer to that, my lord. Saed, and all of the others you arrived with, were eaten by the monstrous ants that wander this island and make it uninhabitable. While you slumbered that first night, all of them were eaten in the night, right down to the bones. The neighboring islanders know about the ants and so they don’t try to live here, but those living on the Maldives often sail over to cut sandalwood. In the summer, they sail over with fast horses and gallops as fast as they can toward trees. As soon as they see massive ants, they throw great quantities of raw meat to distract the monstrous insects as they mark the trees they want to cut. Then, in winter, they return and cut the trees since the ants don’t stir much in the cold (begging the question of why they bother coming in the summer at all, but whatever).”
Prince Seyf mourned his friend’s death. In truth, he’d been mourning for many weeks now, since he had strongly suspected that his friend had died when he hadn’t located him on the island, but it still hurt to get confirmation. He decided to use the jinn under his command to get the answers that they had come here in search of. Saed’s death would not be in vain. “Tell me, genie: where is the land of King Achahbal? Where can I find his daughter, Princess Badi’a al-Jamal?”
“My lord, there is an island not far from here ruled by a King Achabal, but he has no daughter. There once was a Badi’a al-Jamal, daughter of King Achahbal, but she lived in the time of King Solomon, many years ago.” “Wait, so you’re telling me that I’ve been chasing a ghost?” “I’m afraid so, my lord. She was a wife of the great Prophet.”
Prince Seyf felt his knees buckle underneath him. “I’m such a goddamned idiot! Why didn’t I just go to my father and ask him who the woman in the portrait was? He could have saved me a whole lot of pain and trouble, and Saed would still be alive. All of this because I was too prideful to just ask for help. Well, Princess, at least I can console myself by knowing that I could at least free you from your captivity. Some good came out of this horrid misadventure. I assume you want to go home to your father?” Malika nodded. “Very much so.” “Very well then. You heard the lady, genie. Take us to the gates of the capital city of Serendib!”
“As you command my lord, however unhappy losing the princess, who was definitely going to come around one of these centuries and let me fuck her, makes me.” “Watch your tongue, genie, and be grateful that all I am demanding of you is to take her home. You deserve to be shoved into a bottle and dropped into the deepest part of the ocean. Keep pushing your luck, and that can still happen.”
The genie wisely shut his mouth and gathered the two humans in his arms. With a sickening wrenching of their guts, the world shifted and they were standing on a different island before the bustling gates of a large city. “Is there anything else you require of me, my lord?” Seyf turned to Malika. “Is this your home?” She nodded, tears in her eyes, too choked up for words. “You may go, genie.” The jinn disappeared in a puff of smoke.
For some reason, the two decide that Seyf should be the one to approach the king rather than Malika, and so he walks up the 300 steps of beautifully carved stone through the 1000 marble pillars up to the entrance. He was stopped by a guard, because of course he was, and he says he is a prince here to see the king. Since he’s clearly dressed in expensive finery, even if it is a little dirty, the guard decided to pass the buck and take him to the vizier, who quickly decided Seyf was the real deal and brought him to the king.
“So, young man, who are you, where are you from, and why have you come to Serendib?” “Sire, I was born in Egypt, but I have been away from my father for a long time now. I’ve had kind of a rough go of it lately, and have had a strange adventure full of misfortunes…” Seyf had planned on going into an explanation of his recent travels, ending with finding the princess, but the king burst into loud, blubbering tears. “I guarantee that I have had misfortunes to equal your own, sir! I have lost my one and only daughter, and I don’t even know what really happened to her.”
“Yeah, I know, I was getting to that. I have news of the princess.” “Oh no, I knew it! She’s dead, and you watched her die and are here to tell me about it aren’t you!” The king wailed even louder and cried even harder than before. “What? No! Why do you keep cutting me off to be pessimistic? She’s very much alive and what’s more, she’s here in the city. You’ll see her today!” “You found her? Alive? Where? Where was she?” Finally given a chance to actually talk, Seyf related his whole adventure, with particular attention paid to his trials on the island and meeting the rapey jinn.
“Young prince, I owe you everything! You have brought back my greatest treasure to me, and I was sure I’d never see her again. Can you take me to her? Like, now?” Seyf said he could, and so the king had the vizier prepare a litter to carry the king into the city. He insisted that Seyf ride with him, and so the two men were carried out into Serendib with an honor guard. As soon as Malika saw her father’s men and his litter, she raced out to meet him. The king hopped down from the litter and rushed to meet his daughter in a huge embrace. Prince Seyf stood by awkwardly as the father and daughter shared a tender homecoming. Once they finished, the king insisted on hearing everything that had happened from Malika, who gladly recounted the tale of her abduction and rescue.
The group returned to the palace, and Prince Seyf was set up in a richly appointed apartment. A grand feast was ordered in honor of Malika’s return and Seyf’s bravery. All of the kingdom’s nobility was invited, and Seyf made the rounds as the various nobles kissed his ass in front of the king. At the end of the party, the king pulled Seyf aside. “My dear prince, you have proven yourself to be brave, honorable, and wise. Ever since my dear Malika returned, I’ve been been having a thought. The more I’ve seen you in action, the more sure I am. My daughter is of an age where I will need to start thinking about her marriage. I can think of no one better to wed her to than you, Prince Seyf. You’re brave, honorable, and a prince! What do you say? Will you be my son-in-law?”
Prince Seyf was taken aback. “I am…honored, my lord, but I hope you will not be offended that I have to refuse this great honor. As I told you in my story, I left Cairo to seek out Princess Badi’a al-Jamal, who turned out to be dead. I know I’ll never meet her, but I still feel deep affection for her, so I don’t think I could do right by your daughter. She’s a beautiful, clever, wonderful woman, but I don’t think I can give her the love and affection she genuinely deserves. She should be happier than she would be with me.”
The king nodded. “I respect your honesty, Prince Seyf. How can I repay you, then? I have to do something!” “Honestly, your majesty, I don’t really need anything. Seeing the joy on the faces of you and your daughter as you reunited was the best reward I could hope for. Actually, there is one thing: I could really use a ship back to Bassora so that I can go home. I’m sure my father misses me.” The king readily agreed to provide a ship, stocked with provisions. As the ship was prepared for its journey, the prince was feasted and honored for his heroism. Finally, the day came, and Seyf headed home.
The ship was struck by several horrible storms on the way, more than severe enough to have wrecked the ship, but they powered through thanks to the virtue of the Seal of Solomon on Seyf’s finger. He arrived at Bassora, and then fell in with a caravan from Bassura to Cairo, and discovered that changes had happened while he was gone.
While Seyf had been away, his father had died and his elder brother had ascended to the throne instead. The new sultan welcomed Prince Seyf back to the kingdom. It turned out that, a few days after Seyf and Saed had left, the king had been in his treasure room and had noticed the missing ring and picture. Looking back on what Seyf had told him, he reasoned that the young prince had found them, taken them, and set off in search of a dead woman. The new sultan asked to hear the story of Seyf’s journey, and seemed amazed at the adventure he had gone on, but Seyf was just happy to be home. At least, he was until his brother had him locked up in a tower that night, with warnings that an executioner would come for him in the morning.
Seyf tossed and turned until the first rosy blush of dawn painted the tower and he heard noise outside the door. A large, well-muscled man entered. “Prince Seyf. The sultan has ordered your death. He fears that, since you have done such heroic things, you may not be content to be a prince forever and may try to take over his kingdom. With the help of Serendib, you might even succeed, so he has decided that you need to die for the security of the kingdom. Fortunately, he has entrusted this wicked deed to me, and fully expects that I will blindly follow his orders and murder a good man for no reason. Instead, I give you a choice, my prince. If you stay here, I must kill you, but I can free you if you promise to leave this kingdom and go far away, never to return. With the resourcefulness you showed on your journey, I am sure you will be able to make a good life for yourself somewhere else.”
Seyf didn’t have to weigh those options, and immediately left Egypt. He traveled again to the port of Bassura and caught the first ship overseas. Landing in a foreign kingdom, Prince Seyf traveled to the capital and asked to meet the king. He told the king his story and asked for asylum. By this time, the story of Princess Malika’s miraculous return was starting to spread, and the king figured having a genuine hero in his court would be a good thing, so he agreed, allowing Prince Seyf to find a safe new home.
This story is a wild roller coaster ride from start to finish, and it never goes where you think it’s going to. It’s so unusual for a male hero from a story this old to be as respectful and not creepy as Prince Seyf. Although it starts less than promisingly, with the prince falling in love with someone he never met based purely on a picture, his behavior throughout the rest of the story is genuinely honorable and respectable, even by today’s standards. Unlike other stories we’ve already covered, he doesn’t take advantage of the sleeping princess, he considers her happiness reward enough, and he doesn’t even marry the woman he saves because he doesn’t love her and doesn’t think it would be fair to her. None of that is common in the old stories, which is why I picked this tale. Given everything that’s been going on in the world lately, I needed a story like this, and I thought maybe you all did too.
There is another version of the story that follows a lot more closely to what would be expected. It starts the same, with Seyf finding the portrait of Badi’a al-Jamal, who is the daughter of the jinn king Shahyal ibn Sharukh, ruler of the city of Babel. The ship sinks, and Saed is lost. His companions are locked in cages by a giant and Seyf himself is given to the princess as a gift. The group languishes in captivity for four years before the prince organizes a daring escape. Unfortunately, everyone but Seyf is eaten by crocodiles during the attempt. The prince washes up on the roots of a giant mountain, where he is captured by intelligent apes. They take him to a castle, where Seyf meets the human man who rules over them. He continues on his way and finds a black stone palace inhabited by the missing princess of India, Dawlat Khatun, who happens to also be Badi’a al Jamal’s foster sister. To free her, Seyf must slay the soul of the jinn, which is hiding inside a box, inside eight caskets, inside seven chests, inside an alabaster coffer at the bottom of the sea, which just seems like overkill. He succeeds, and takes the princess away from her captivity and back to her home, where it turns out that Saed has somehow been waiting ever since he went missing. Badi’a al Jamal and her mother are summoned, since the jinn, her father, is dead, and Badi’a falls in love with the man who was her plaything for four years because reasons. The queen of the jinn is unsure about a jinn-human marriage, and while she is deliberating, Seyf is kidnapped by evil jinn in retaliation for killing the king (which the queen and princess seem weirdly unaffected by). The queen rescues him and he married Princess Badi’a (and Saed marries Princess Dawlat for good measure). I like this version a lot less because it has a lot more coincidence and a lot less agency for the characters. I personally find the first version a lot more realistic and enjoyable.
And now, since Seyf has a semi happy ending, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s gods are Asto Vidatu and Aesma Daeva.
In Persian mythology, and the Zoroastrian faith, Asto Vidatu is a death demon and Aesma Daeva is a demon of lust, anger, wrath, and revenge. The two demons, anger and death, often team up to create a horrible, terrifying after-death obstacle course. When a soul died and began to rise to heaven, the two demons would chase the souls and attempt to drag them to hell. Literally. Asto Vidatu (whose name literally means disolver of bones) carries a noose that he uses to rope, hogtie, and drag dead souls to eternal torment. The two demons are opposed by Sraosa, embodiment of obedience and the messenger of the god Ahura Mazda.
The three are locked in eternal combat over the souls of the dead. If Asto VIdatu and Aesma Daeva capture a soul, it was wicked and is meant for torment. If Sraosa can protect it, it was good and will rise all the way to heaven. In some versions of the story, Asto Vidatu’s invisible noose is actually placed around the neck of every newborn child, where it remains until the appointed hour of its death, when the demon tightens it, ending the life of the person and beginning the fight over the rising soul. Daeva’s are described in the Gathas, the oldest texts of the Zoroastrian canon, as gods to be rejected, which are usually considered to be either divinities of chaos and destruction or simply the personifications of every imaginable evil, and are not to be confused with the similarly named devas of Indian religions. So, if you’re dying and you feel an invisible noose tightening around your neck, get ready to run after you die so that you don’t get dragged to hell by the demonic tag team.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll head across the vast Sahara desert for an African folktale. You’ll see that you should always listen to the crazy drunk at your wedding, that it’s fine to be rude to someone as long as they’re a lion, and that half-human genetics are weird. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the powerful, sexy ocean goddess that might catch you in a prostitution sting. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.