Episode 26N – The Fallen Prince – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 26N Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, we’re going to dive into the messy aftermath of regicide. You’ll learn that even gods have favorites, that beautiful people are just more trustworthy (even when they’re not), and that Achilles has a weird sense of honor. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll find out what happens when you cross a cow and a snake (and it isn’t ground beef). This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 26N, “The Fallen Prince”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, Paris former herdsmen and lost prince of Troy, had kidnapped Helen of Sparta, wife of King Menelaus, because a god promised her to him as a bribe. The Spartan king had summoned everyone he could to go get her back, over 1000 ships worth of soldiers, and set sail for Troy. They spent eight years of misadventures trying to get to the distant city before finally killing the right people to appease the right gods to find their way. There, they have spent another nine years besieging the city of Troy, with neither side really getting any decisive victories. After more inconclusive fighting, Agamemnon pisses off one of his most important allies by being petty, and Achilles goes to his tent to sulk, refusing to fight anymore. The Trojans had fought back fiercely, resulting in Menelaus of Sparta being willing to accept a challenge to single combat with Prince Paris of Troy to decide the whole damned war. After a lot of build up, Paris gets his ass kicked and is saved from certain death by the timely intervention of Aphrodite, who carries him away from the fight, leaving the battle to drag on. The battle become incredibly intense after Zeus orders all immortals off the field, and ends with the Greeks huddled behind a new wall around their ships, besieged by the Trojan army in one hell of a reversal. After a night full of cloaks and daggers, the Trojan spy lay dead and the Greek spies successfully raided and murdered the king and 12 soldiers of a Trojan ally in the darkness. The Greeks tried to buy off Achilles and get him back in the fight, but he preferred to be petulant and leave them to their fate. The Thracian dead were discovered in the morning, and the Trojans attacked anew, finally breaking through the wooden walls of the Greeks. With the help of a sneaky Hera fucking her husband into a magical coma, Poseidon supports the Greeks to prevent a total loss. The Trojans manage to push all the way to the Greek ships and start trying to burn them, prompting Achilles to allow his friend/lover Patroclus to dress as Achilles and go out to the fight to rally the troops. He promises to come back as soon as the threat to the ships is defeated, but in the thrill of his own victories, he forgets and chases the Trojans back passed the walls. Apollo slaps him around, making him easy game for the Trojans, and Hector finally slaughters the man and mocks his corpse. A grisly game of tug of war breaks out with Patroclus’ bloody body as the rope. The Ajaxes finally manage to hold off the Trojans long enough for Menelaus and his allies to rescue their friend’s body, but Hector makes off with Achilles’ armor. A messenger tells Achilles that his friend is dead, and he vows revenge, but first, he asks his mom for some sweet new armor. Iris tells Achilles of the fight for his friend’s body in secret, and he goes to do what he can without the armor. With a bit of god magic on his side, Achilles is able to shout the Trojans away long enough to get Patroclus away to safety. Achilles then spends the rest of the night standing vigil over his dead friend, who he refuses to bury until he has been avenged. Thetis arrives with some sick new armor, courtesy of Hephaestus, and Achilles gears up for the fight. He refuses to eat until the fighting is done, but Athena slips him some god-food without his knowledge anyway. His magical talking horses warn him that he may be riding to his death today, but he rides out anyway. Pretty much single-handedly, Achilles begins to rout and devastate the Trojan army. Aeneas, powered by Apollo, is the only Trojan willing to stand against his unrelenting assault. They fight before the gates of Troy and Aeneas gets his ass whooped, but is saved by the surprising intervention of Poseidon. Hector taunts Achilles and nearly gets killed for it, but Apollo saves him yet again. Denied his preferred target, Achilles drives through the army and traps half of it on the wrong side of the river, then rampages through the terrified soldiers, filling the water with corpses. The river god gets pissed and fights Achilles himself, who has to outrun a magical tidal wave chasing him across the field. Hephaestus enters the fray and uses the fires of his forge to beat back the river and spare Achilles. The gods themselves then begin to fight one another, and Athena proves she’s a better fighter than the god of war and leaves her brother writhing and weeping on the ground. Achilles chases the remains of the army towards the city gates and is only prevented from getting inside by a disguised Apollo, who leads him on a merry chase. He races back towards the city like an apocalyptic comet set to fall on doomed Troy. King Priam sees him coming and calls out a warning, but is ignored. The whole epic has been building to the fight between Hector and Achilles, and now is the time. Hector braces himself for the charge, but as Achilles races towards him, glittering in the sun, Hector pisses himself and runs the hell away. In full view of both armies, Achilles chases Hector around the city three times. On the fourth pass, Athena tricks Hector into thinking he has backup, and then throws him to the wolves. With nowhere to run, Hector finally faces Achilles, and pretty much immediately eats spear. Achilles, not content to simply kill the Trojan prince, drags his body behind his chariot. Everyone joins in with desecrating Hector’s corpse, and then they feast and go to bed. Achilles is haunted by the kind of bitchy ghost of Patroclus, who makes him promise to store both of their ashes in the same urn when Achilles dies. They have a series of sporting events to celebrate the victory they haven’t actually finished winning yet, while the gods argue for 12 days about what to do about the shameful treatment of the fallen Trojan prince.
After a whole lot of shouting and angry gesturing, Apollo loses his cool. “You gods should be ashamed of yourselves. You’re all ungrateful asshats. How many awesome sacrifices has he made to all of us? And now you can’t even bother yourselves to rescue his gods damned body from that asshole Achilles? His wife can’t have one last moment with her beloved husband, his parents can’t say goodbye to their dear son? Are you really going to side with Achilles in denying this prince his funeral rites? That fucker is still going way too far. Even people who actually lose their children don’t go off the deep end like this.”
Hera didn’t take being yelled at by Apollo very well. “This would all be fine and dandy, o lord of the silver bow, if they were equal in honor, but they’re not. Hector sucked on a mortal woman’s tits while Achilles is the child of a goddess that I myself raised. I was the one who married her off to Achilles’ father, and all of you assholes came to the wedding. Even you, Apollo, brought you lyre and played the night away. You’ve always been fond of low company, after all.”
Zeus shushed his wife. “Don’t be such a bitch, dear. Their honor will not be equal, but Hector was definitely the favorite mortal in Troy. I know he never missed an offering to me, and that goes a long way. I get the final say, and I say that Hector’s body can be stolen. However, I don’t think you could pull it off without Achilles knowing, especially since Thetis is with him day and night, so send her to me. I’ll tell her that her son is to accept a ransom from Priam for the corpse.”
Iris immediately leapt off the side of Olympus and plunged to earth to carry the message. She plummeted in a graceful swan dive into the middle of the sea, sinking all the way to the bottom. There, she found Thetis sitting in a great cave, surrounded by fellow sea goddesses, weeping for her noble son. She greatly feared that by killing Hector, and parading his body around the way he had been, Achilles had sealed his fate. “Come with me, sweet Thetis. Zeus has summoned you.” Thetis sniffled piteously. “Why? Why does he want to see me? My heart is heavy and I really don’t want to have to be around other gods right now. Still, since it’s Zeus, I guess I don’t really have a choice.”
Veiling her face with a scrap of cloth so dark it redefined the meaning of “black”, she followed radiant Iris back to Olympus. When they arrived, Athena stood and offered the sea goddess her seat, while she went and sat on the steps at her father’s throne. Hera gave her a golden cup of ambrosia. Zeus broke the brittle tension. “I know you’re upset, Thetis, but I needed to speak with you. We’ve been fighting for the last twelve days over what to do about your son and dead Hector. My fellow gods would have swift Hermes, god of thieves, steal the body from under your son’s nose, but out of respect, I have decided to allow your son the honor of being the better man and accepting a ransom for the body. Tell him that the gods are pissed off, and I’m royally pissed (pun intended). If he fears my wrath (and he damned well better), he should let the body go. I will send Iris to tell Priam that an exchange has been arranged.”
Thetis finished her drink, then went to the Greek camps and found her son’s tent. She found him still grieving bitterly in the midst of comrades trying to ignore him by staying busy preparing breakfast. She sat down beside him and rubbed his back in that comforting way all mothers have had since civilization existed. “My son, how long are you going to keep making yourself sick with grief like this? You’re ripping out your own heart, and letting your depression keep you from eating or fucking. Maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world, though, with death hovering over you guided by the dread hand of fate. You must take care my son. I come with a message. Zeus is angry with you, as are the rest of the gods, and they demand that you accept a ransom from Priam for Hector’s body.” “Fine. Fuck it. I don’t really care anymore. If Zeus commands it, so be it.” The conversation then moved on to other things.
Meanwhile, fleet-footed Iris flew swiftly to Ilus, and found her way to Priam’s house. It was the big palace, so it wasn’t hard. Also, the weeping and wailing could be heard from streets away. Old King Priam sat surrounded by his surviving sons, his face wet with tears. His robes were filthy from collapsing into the dirt in grief. Everyone in the house looked shell-shocked, and wept as they went about their duties. Iris walked up softly and spoke gently into his ear, but he felt his heart gripped with fear. “Take heart, Priam, and fear not. I bring you no evil tidings. Zeus has been working on your behalf and has sent me to tell you that Achilles has been ordered to accept a ransom for your son’s body. Take a gift worthy of his standing and anger, and make sure you go alone. No Trojan can go with you, except one trusted servant to help you drive the cart. Have no fear of death: Achilles will not kill you or let anyone else do so for Hermes will be your escort.”
Iris left, and Priam immediately sent his sons to prepare a cart for travel. Then, he himself went down to the storeroom calling for his wife Hecuba. “Wife! I have had a message from the gods! They have told me to go to the Greek ships with a ransom for our son. I personally think that I should obey, and go alone to the ships, but I want to know what you think.” Hecuba cried aloud when she heard him call. “I thought you were supposed to be wise. How can you possibly go alone to the camp of an enemy army that has plagued us for ten years and look the man who slew your son in the eyes? Who has slain so many of your brave sons? You must be either very brave or very stupid, because if that bastard lays hands on you, we both know he won’t show pity or mercy. Hector is dead. This bit of stupid courage won’t bring him back, so let’s just mourn him here. I don’t want to lose you too. If I had my way, I’d cut out that fucker’s liver and eat it to avenge my son, who showed no cowardice against dread Achilles, and thought not of avoiding battle as he stood there alone in defence of his people and his home.” I mean, that’s not exactly how it went down, but you can’t really blame a mother for putting a positive spin on this whole horrible thing.
“Okay, so when I said I wanted your opinion, what I meant was that I wanted you to agree with me about doing the thing I already decided I’m definitely doing. If it had been a priest who told me to do this, saying he had a prophecy, I’d call him an idiot and ignore him, but I have seen the goddess who delivered the message with my own eyes. It’s legit. I will be safe. And honestly, if not? So be it. Let Achilles slay me if he must, but first I will hold my son’s body and grieve properly at least once.” So saying, he opened the lids of the treasure chests in the storeroom and began to assemble the ransom. It’s a long list, and not particularly interesting. Just know that it’s a metric ass ton of expensive shit.
By the time he was done, a crowd had gathered to watch him. He yelled at the ghoulish onlookers in frustration and anger. “Get the fuck out! Don’t you have grief enough in your own homes without coming to feed on mine? Do you think losing so many of my sons to the same asshole in such a short time is such a small thing, just entertainment for you leeches? It’s not, and you’ll all see it when Achilles suddenly finds it a lot easier to kill your sons without mine to defend them. As for me, let me be dragged down to the land of the dead before I have to watch my beloved city sacked and burned.” He drove everyone out by whacking them with his staff. Nobody wanted to try and fight the cranky old man who’s also a king.
He summons his nine remaining sons (this dude really liked to fuck, and it helps he had kids with multiple mothers). “Come here, worthless sons who bring shame to my name. I wish all of you had been killed rather than Hector. That’s right, I would gladly trade all of your lives for his. All of my sons who were worth a damn are dead: Hector, Nestor, and Troilus are all dead. You’re all liars and cowards, you’d rather dance with ladies than with spears, and you steal from your own people. Why haven’t you already gotten a waggon ready for me and loaded it up with all of this?”
The nine sons were terrified of their grumpy asshole of a father, so they did as he asked in silence without saying “You never asked us to load up this wagon, dick.” Hecuba came with wine to make a drink offering. “Take this, my husband, and make an offering to Zeus since you are bound and determined to risk your life this way, and ask him to bring you back safely. Ask him to send you a totally clear sign and, if you don’t get it, don’t fucking go unarmed and alone into the enemy army.” Priam knew better than to try and fight his wife on this. “I will do as you ask, my wife. Praying to Zeus is a good idea anyway.” He washed his hands and prayed to the gods.
Zeus, who was avidly watching all of this, heard his prayer. He sent his bird, a mighty black eagle, to soar around the city on massive wings as a clear and unequivocal sign. Priam accepted this omen and rode out of the city. His sons followed him out to the plain, then turned around and headed back to Ilus, leaving the old king alone with his servant. Zeus watched them until they were alone, and then sent his son Hermes down provide an escort. Hermes strapped on his golden winged sandals, which allowed him to fly through the air, and took up his wand, which could put men to sleep or wake them up, then flew out to Troy. He looked like a young teenager with the very beginnings of a beard just beginning to fuzz up his face.
As Priam and his servant Idaeus drove passed the great tomb of Ilus, they stopped the mules so that they could drink from the river. Night was falling, and Idaeus was surprised to see a young man standing nearby. “Holy shit, King Priam! I see a dude over there, and I think he might be about to jump our asses. We should get the hell out of Dodge, or at least fall on our knees and beg for mercy!”
Priam felt like he was having a heart attack. He was frozen in place, terrified and in agony, but Hermes god of luck and travelers, strolled up to him and took his hand gently. “Hey Gramps, where are you taking your mules and horses at this ungodly hour? Aren’t you scared of the Greeks being so close, especially since they’re so cruel and relentless? If one of them saw you driving this much treasure alone in the darkness, they’d murder your asses in a heartbeat. Your servant there is too old to protect you from anything, so how about I come with you and keep you safe? You remind me of my own father, and that’s plenty of motivation for my actions so you don’t need to wonder why I’m out here in the middle of the battlefield in the dead of night.”
“You’re not wrong, young man, but clearly somebody up there likes me and sent me you. Since you’re so handsome, you must be both a demigod and a good person.” “Thank you, sir. Tell me, where are you taking the treasure? Are you sending it out to foreign allies to keep it safe, or maybe you’re abandoning the city since your son, it’s stoutest defender, is no more?” Something about all of this finally struck Priam as odd. “Who are you, young man? Who are your parents? How do you know so much about my son?”
Hermes smiled. “Sir, everyone knows about your son. Many times have I set eyes on him in battle, driving the Greeks before him with bloodied sword and spear. We had to stand and watch because Achilles was busy sulking and demanded that we not fight. I am one of Achilles’ soldiers, named Polyctor, the seventh son of a wealthy man. I drew the short straw, so I had to sail with Achilles and be his squire. I came out here early because the Greeks ar going to attack at dawn. The soldiers are restless and eager to fight.”
“You’re his squire? Tell me, please, is Hector’s body intact, or has Achilles mutilated it and hacked it to pieces? Has it been fed to the hounds?” “No, the hounds and the vultures have not fed on your son. He lies by the tents as he has for the last twelve days, but in spite of the heat, his flesh isn’t putrid and rotting, and the worms have not yet begun to feast on him. Every day at dawn, Achilles drags him around the sepulchre of his fallen friend, but his body seems to suffer no harm. You should come see him. The blood has all been washed away, and his wounds have closed even though he was stabbed a lot. Like, really, just a shit ton of stabbing. The gods have been taking care of his body, for he was dear to them.”
Some of the pressure gripping Priam’s heart loosened. “He was always good about making offerings to the gods, and now it is having some small payoff. Young man, will you come with me to the Greek ships as my guide and guard until I can come to my son’s body at the tent of Achilles? I’ll give you this chalice as payment.” “Sir, you are offering me treasures without Achilles’ knowledge, and he’s easy to piss off. No, I won’t accept the chalice, but I’ll be more than happy to lead you safely to Achilles’ tent.”
Hermes leapt onto the chariot with no further ado and breathed fresh strength into the weary horses. Renewed, they carried the treasure quickly to the trench and the wall around the Greek camp. Hermes threw a deep sleep over the guards who were watching the approach, then unlocked the gate and opened it. He led Priam through the camp to Achilles’ tents, which now included a log house built by his soldiers for Achilles. Once they were inside the smaller wall around Achilles’ place, Hermes leapt down and revealed himself. “Ta-da! I’m actually Hermes, and my father Zeus sent me to be your guide here. I’m going to high tail it out of here so that Achilles doesn’t see me and get pissed off that the gods have befriended you, his enemy, so openly. Go inside and beg for your son. He’ll give it to you for the right price.” Then, he left.
Leaving Idaeus in charge of the mules, Priam went inside to see Achilles. He found Achilles seated on a small throne, flanked by his men. Only Automedon and Alcimus were still there, cleaning up after the feasting and drinking. They were too busy to notice his entrance, so he was able to walk straight up to Achilles, drop to his knees, and clutch Achilles’ knees and kiss the blood-stained hands that had slaughtered so many of his children. Achilles was more than a little shocked to see Priam here in his own home. The three Greeks looked at one another and silently asked how the fuck he’d gotten here unseen. Priam didn’t seem to notice the odd looks. “Think of your own father, dread Achilles, who like me is old and tired. His neighbors might be harassing him and trying to steal his land, but whenever he hears of your deeds and knows that you yet live, his heart is made glad! He still has hope that you will come back to see him again and to make things right at home. I have no such hope. The bravest of my sons is dead. I had fifty sons when this damned war started, nineteen of them from the same woman (and the rest from women in my household. To quote Mel Brooks, it’s good to be the king). Most of them are dead now, and the ones who remain are worthless. I come to you to beg for the return of my son’s body, and I bring a great ransom for it. Fear the wrath of the gods, and have compassion on an old man who has kissed the hand that slew his son.”
A wave of homesickness washed over Achilles as he thought of his own father, who he hadn’t seen in over a decade. He saw the tears on Priam’s cheeks, and it brought tears to his own. He stood, and raised the old man to his feet. “Unlucky man, you made a bold and daring move in coming to see me here, alone and unarmed. You must have iron courage. The gods don’t seem to care much about us mortals. They sprinkle good and ill in random measure on us, regardless of who we are or what we do. Have a seat. Mourn as you will for you son, but don’t let it consume you. Despair won’t bring your son back from the dead.” “I cannot sit while Hector is lying uncared for in your tents. I beg you to accept the ransom and let me bear him away to be buried. I pray that you do this for me, and that the gods grant you a chance to journey home and see your own father.”
“Don’t worry, old man. My mother, daughter of Poseidon, has come to me with a message from Zeus. They have made it very, very clear that I am to return the body to you. I know that you only got here with a god’s help, so don’t bother to deny it. There’s no other explanation, and it further proves that they have a very clear idea of what I need to do here. I don’t need them any more pissed at me than they already are. Don’t keep begging, or I might be tempted to ignore them and kill you here, which would damn me for violating your guest right as a supplicant.”
The cart was unloaded of treasure, saving only two mantles and a fine shirt so that Hector’s body might be dressed properly when his father received it. Servants washed and annointed the body with sweet oils, making sure not to let Priam see it beforehand so that he wouldn’t do something offensive like weeping for his dead son again, and force Achilles to strike him dead. Yeah, Achilles really thinks this way. He’s a real asshat. While this was being done, he went to see Patroclus. “Don’t be cross with me, dead Patroclus, if your shade hears in Hades that I have traded Hector back for a huge ransom. I will share it equally with you.”
He went back to Priam and insisted on having dinner with him. He could see the body, and bear it away, at dawn. After eating, he offered the king his own bed to sleep on so that he would be rested for his trip back to Ilus. He asked Priam how long he wants to celebrate his son’s life with funeral rites. “We have been pent up a long time, Achilles. If you’re okay with it, we would like to have nine days to properly prepare and perform the rites. On the tenth, we will bury him. On the eleventh, we will build a mound over his ashes. On the twelfth, if necessary, we will fight.” “It will be as you say, King Priam. I will keep our men away from the city until the twelfth day.”
Achilles, Briseis beside him (the story doesn’t say how she felt about the arrangement) slept in an inner room of his house while Priam slept in the Greek warrior’s bed. Everyone was sound asleep. Everyone, that is, except for Hermes. He lay awake racking his brain to try and figure out how the hell to get Priam out of the camp in the morning without being seen. Finally giving up, he went to stand over the sleeping Priam. “So just because Achilles has promised not to kill you tonight, you seem totally peachy keen on sleeping in his bed surrounded by your enemies. You paid the ransom and have been granted your son’s body. If you are taken alive tomorrow, your remaining sons will have to deliver a ransom three times as large as the one you just paid to get your ass back, and you can be sure that if Agamemnon or any of the others finds out that you’re here, that’s gonna happen.”
This sent an icy bolt of fear through the sleeping king and woke him with a start. In renewed terror, he roused his servant and prepared to get the fuck out of this pit of vipers before one of them bit his ass. Hermes yoked up the horses and mules, and drove them quickly and silently through the ships without being seen. They came to the ford on the river Xanthus as dawn was breaking and Hermes, figuring they were safe now, went back to Olympus to get some shut eye. Priam’s daughter Cassandra was the first to see him returning. She recognized her father and then, with a gasp, what was lying on the cart behind him. “People of Troy! Come an look on the body of our fallen Prince Hector! If ever you rejoiced to see him charging into battle, look on him now that was the glory of our city and our people.”
Her cry rang through the city, and before Priam had reached the gates, a crowd had thronged around the gates to see the return of their beloved fallen prince. They parted around the wagon and followed it to the palace. The body was carried up to his bedchamber and laid in state while minstrels played a dirge. The women raised their voices in a funeral song, punctuated by the wailing of Hector’s wife Andromache. She sat at the end of the bed and held her dead husband’s head in her lap as she cried. “My sweet husband, why did you have to die so young and leave me alone? I fear our son will never grow up. Our fair city will be pillaged and burned without you. I will be sold into slavery with the other women, raped and beaten, and our son will be lucky to join me in hard labor. If some Greek beast finds out who he is, they might just throw him off the castle walls to smash on the stone below for the crime of being your son. I wasn’t even able to be with you as you died and share one last embrace, one last kiss, one last word of love with you.”
Hecuba and Helen joined with Andromache in lamenting the fall of the Trojan prince, and the loss to the world of such a good and heroic man. As promised, Achilles kept the Greek army at bay for a full twelve days to allow the Trojans to fully mourn their lost leader. And that, dear listeners, is the end of the Iliad, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a…[record scratch]. Okay, okay, I can practically hear you from all the way back here in the past shouting at me. “What? How can it be over? The war is still going strong, and I still haven’t seen the fucking wooden horse! You promised me a horse, you son of a dick!” First off, calm down. There’s no need for that kind of language. Second, you’re right, I did promise you a wooden horse.
So here’s the deal. The Iliad is less the story of the Trojan War and more the story of the epic showdown between Achilles and Hector, at least the way Homer saw it (if he was in fact a guy and not a pseudonym attributed to a lot of different poets working together over many years). The end of the war was less important to him than the end of Prince Hector of Troy. “Okay” you say, “but then where did that whole bit about the horse come from? That’s, like, the most famous part of the story, and it’s not even in the story!” All of that actually comes from one of the earliest pieces of fan fiction known to man. The Roman poet Virgil wrote the Aeneid between 29 and 19 BC, long after the Iliad (and the Odyssey, which skips the end of the war and goes straight to Odysseus’ frustratingly cursed attempt to get home after the war, which we won’t get to in this epic series).
The Aeneid was Virgil’s attempt to rival Homer’s fame by piggybacking on his work and writing his own epic following one of the characters from his story, the Trojan soldier Aeneas (see, I wasn’t kidding about that fan fiction thing). It’s a long story about how Aeneas ends up sailing to Italy and founding Rome. It’s a long story, and most of it isn’t really relevant to this tale, but the Aeneid does pick up the end of the Trojan War and finish off the tale, so we’re going to cover that little bit of the epic poem before closing this series out for good.
There’s some important bits between the two stories, which are covered elsewhere but not in either the Iliad, the Odyssey, or the Aeneid, so I’ll be pulling from multiple sources to get us from the end of the Iliad to the beginning of the Odyssey, which will be a story for another time. Thus, our next episode in this series will also be our last, and we’ll finally be leaving behind this seemingly endless war and moving on to somewhere else for a change. I know I’m ready for something different, and I’m sure you all are too, but now, it really is time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is the ophiotaurus.
If you’re really good with your Greek root words from high school, or if you’re a Percy Jackson fan, you can guess that the ophiotaurus was half bull, half serpent, all badass. It’s most famous (and only) appearance is in Ovid’s Fasti, where it quickly becomes a major danger for the Olympian gods. The name literally means “serpent-bull” and the Greeks were known for their very literal naming conventions, so yeah, it was pretty much the front half of a bull spliced onto the back half of a giant serpent. He was a child of Gaia. Warned ahead of time by the three Fates, Zeus had imprisoned the ophiotaurus beyond the River Styx, in a dark forest, surrounded by a triple stone wall. The Fates had prophesied that whoever slew the bull and burned its entrails in sacrifice would be granted power. Not just any power, mind you, but the power to overthrow the gods themselves.
Of all the powers and curses granted to heroes and monsters in mythology, this has got to be the worst. It does the poor bull snake absolutely no good but paints a giant fucking target on its back for doing nothing but being born. He didn’t rampage through any cities, he didn’t rape any maidens, he didn’t even say something rude to a god. He just existed. Poor guy.
Anyway, during the Titanomachy (the world-shattering war between the Titans and the Greek gods from back in Episode 1A), the giant Aigaios (called by his son’s name Briareus in Ovid’s reference) was allied with the Titans against the Olympians. He hears this story and sees a chance to end the war with one fell stroke. This was likely a reference to a lost epic poem on the Titanomachy since Ovid expects that you already know the story. In what was surely one hell of a story, if only it had survived the years, the giant wins his way through to the cow-snake monster and, with little fanfare, kill it. I mean, it’s a cow crossed with a snake, and the least dangerous parts of both. This thing was never going to be a big threat.
Zeus, being a tricksy motherfucker, has been keeping an eye on all of this and realizes the danger he’s in and plans a sneaky plan. As Aigaios is disemboweling the cow to burn the entrails, Zeus sends his giant magical eagle to swoop in and steal the organs before a lightning bolt lances down from the heavens to turn the giant into a pile of cinders. The entrails thus safely hidden away, Zeus and the Olympians would go on to win the Titanomachy. In thanks for the ophiotaurus’ sacrifice, it was honored in the sky as a combination of the Taurus and Cetus constellations. I mean, when you’re super power is that killing you will make someone else really, really powerful, I guess that’s the best you can really hope for.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll finally be wrapping this thing up and finding out what happens to everyone. It’s a Greek war story, so don’t expect a lot of happy endings here. You’ll see that like father like son has always been true, that sometimes the truth hurts, and that you should never trust unexpected gifts from bad people. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the magical forerunner to Marvel Comic’s Punisher. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.