Episode 26I – Suicide Squad – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 26I Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, the war will finally get real again for that whiny asshole Achilles. You’ll see that Poseidon is a badass, that men falling asleep after sex has always been a thing, and that you should never try to be your heroes. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a monster that looks like something out of a B movie about the dangers of genetic modification. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 26I, “Suicide Squad”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, Paris former herdsmen and lost prince of Troy, had kidnapped Helen of Sparta, wife of King Menelaus, because a god promised her to him as a bribe. The Spartan king had summoned everyone he could to go get her back, over 1000 ships worth of soldiers, and set sail for Troy. They spent eight years of misadventures trying to get to the distant city before finally killing the right people to appease the right gods to find their way. There, they have spent another nine years besieging the city of Troy, with neither side really getting any decisive victories. After more inconclusive fighting, Agamemnon pisses off one of his most important allies by being petty, and Achilles goes to his tent to sulk, refusing to fight anymore. The Trojans had fought back fiercely, resulting in Menelaus of Sparta being willing to accept a challenge to single combat with Prince Paris of Troy to decide the whole damned war. After a lot of build up, Paris gets his ass kicked and is saved from certain death by the timely intervention of Aphrodite, who carries him away from the fight, leaving the battle to drag on. The battle becomes incredibly intense after Zeus orders all immortals off the field, and ends with the Greeks huddled behind a new wall around their ships, besieged by the Trojan army in one hell of a reversal. After a night full of cloaks and daggers, the Trojan spy lay dead and the Greek spies successfully raided and murdered the king and 12 soldiers of a Trojan ally in the darkness. The Greeks tried to buy off Achilles and get him back in the fight, but he preferred to be petulant and leave them to their fate. The Thracian dead were discovered in the morning, and the Trojans attacked anew, finally breaking through the wooden walls of the Greeks.
Zeus, having helped Hector to get through the Greek walls, considered his job done and decided to pay attention to a bunch of things that weren’t Troy. He figured he’d put the fear of himself into the rest of the gods, and none of them would try to interfere while he was thus distracted. His brother, Poseidon, was not distracted. He had risen from his undersea palace to watch the battle. He was apparently over his anger at the Greeks for building an unblessed wall and was instead angry at Zeus for letting the Greeks, his favorite people, die.
Flanked by hordes of sea monsters, he rides his chariot out from the sea to the Greek ships. He parked a little ways away, so as to not be seen arriving in direct defiance of Zeus’ orders, and went the rest of the way on foot. He came to find Hector and the Trojans forcing their way into the Greek camp. They thought that they would finally be able to rid their shores of the Greek menace today, and honestly, I don’t blame them. Things looked very, very bad for the Greek army.
Poseidon assumed the shape of the seer Calchas to go and cheer on the Greeks. First, he went to the two Ajaxes, who were fighting for their lives. “Ajaxes, you two can be the saviors of the Greeks if you will just fight with absolutely everything you have and don’t let yourself doubt. We don’t really need to worry about the Trojans breaching the wall anywhere else, but I am worried about Hector already being through the walls. If only some god, wink wink, would give you the strength to stand firm against Hector, you could hold on, even though he has Zeus on his side.”
He touched both of the men with the scepter he had in complete defiance of his disguise, and filled them with strength and courage, then he vanished. Ajax the Lesser was the first to realize what had happened. “Hey, other Ajax, I think that was a god. I mean, he even said ‘wink wink’ when he talked to us. He told us he would have our backs if we stood firm here. I think he blessed us with his strength. It feels awesome!” Ajax the Greater agreed. “Yeah, it’s pretty dope. So good, in fact, that I really want to go kill that motherfucker Hector!”
Poseidon, meanwhile, was going through the army, who was despairing about their own impending doom, and giving them heart. “Come on, you bastards. Fight! Fight like you mean it! I mean yeah, this is all Agamemnon’s fault for insulting Achilles, but still, that’s no reason to lay down and die like this. It wouldn’t be so bad if you were weaklings or cowards, but you’re not, so I’m really ashamed of you. You should be stopping Hector!”
The Ajaxes came to the group just as Poseidon finished and put together a squad of the best men to go and stop the Trojan attack. They placed themselves where the Trojans needed to be and waited in tight, disciplined formation. They didn’t have to wait long. The Trojan army charged at the formation in a wedge, with Hector at the point. They had ripped through the Greek formations so far, and it seemed that they would be unstoppable until they reached the sea and set fire to the Greek ships. The wedge broke upon this new knot of resistance, led by the two Ajaxes. The Trojans bled and died on the Greek spears, and they pulled back to regroup, then redoubled their efforts.
Ajax’s brother Teucer drove an arrow through the neck of the warrior Imbrius just below his ear, dropping him, and he leapt forward to strip the body (which is still a bad idea). Hector sees the Greek hero exposed and threw a spear at him. Teucer was smart, though, and he’d been watching for something like this and managed to drop to the earth, avoiding the spear. Amphimachus, who was standing behind Teucer, wasn’t so lucky. The spear caught him in the chest, and he dropped heavily, his armor ringing his death knell. Hector, learning nothing from what just happened, leapt forward himself to steal the man’s helmet, which was far less awesome than his own, and Ajax hurled his own spear at the Trojan prince. Maybe Hector did learn a little, because he also sees the blow coming and gets his shield up in time. The spear hits in the center of the shield with enough force to drive Hector back from the corpse he was looting. They rescued their own dead and looted the corpse of the Trojan soldier. The Greek decapitated the poor dead Imbrius in revenge for the death of Amphimachus, a grandson of of Poseidon, and hurled it into the crowd to land at Hector’s feet.
Poseidon was pissed enough to go to the Greeks and urge them to fight even harder. He found Idomeneus coming back from the fight with one of his soldiers, who’d been wounded in the knee and disguised himself as Thoas. “Hey Idomeneus, how’s things? What happened to all the threats we made against the Trojans? Were those just words?” “I don’t think that’s fair, Thoas. We’re all fighting as hard as we can, but with Zeus against us, what chance do we have?” “Pussy. Maybe you should stay here, far from your home, and be eaten by wild dogs. Get your armor on and come fight with me. Even cowards aren’t as scared when they’ve got a battle buddy.”
Still shaped like Thoas, Poseidon went out to kill some Trojans and Idomeneus figured the dude was a dick but had a point, so he grabbed some new spears and headed back to the fighting. He meets his squire Meriones and they have some banter about bravery and spears, and then they go out to fight again. They see Ajax the Greater in the center and figure he’s got that covered, so they head to the left flank to bolster the defense. Zeus is torn. He’s been intending to let the Trojans win to make things up to Achilles (he really liked that Thetis chick), but he hadn’t really meant to completely destroy the Greeks. Poseidon, on the other hand, was angry at his brother and at the Trojans in general, but he knew that Zeus was the stronger brother, so he wasn’t willing to do anything openly. Instead, he went where the fighting was thickest to be able to snuff out mortal lives without being spotted by an angry god king.
Idomeneus leaps into that knot of fighting headlong, and begins to slaughter the enemy, including a man named Othryoneus who was engaged to marry King Priam’s youngest daughter Cassandra, she of the unfortunate prophecy, and had offered as his wooing price to drive the Greeks from the Trojan shores. Instead, he’s stabbed in the guts by Idomeneus, who then drags him back towards the Greek camp while giving him an odd offer to marry a beautiful Greek girl if he’d change cloaks and come fight for the Greeks instead. Several people try to stop this kidnapping, and Idomeneus kills them all, then taunts the Trojan Deiphobus. “Should we stop this now, while the score is three to one? Or, ooh, better idea, you and I fight in single combat.”
Deiphobus wasn’t sure if he should go get help or if he should accept single combat. He decides he’d rather not die, so he goes to get Aeneas, who immediately sets out in pursuit of Idomeneus. The Greek man holds his own, fighting like an angry boar upon the mountains, and he calls out to his allies for aid. “A little help guys? I’m a pretty sweet badass, but I’m also getting long in the tooth, and this Aeneas guy is still young. If I were still his age, this wouldn’t even be a fair fight.” Aeneas hears this, and summons his own allies. It’s gonna go down like the Jets and the Sharks (only with less dancing and more actual violence).
Seeing the new fighters entering the field, he stabs the guy he’s fighting in the guts, then tries to slowly retreat. Deiphobus sees this and hurls his spear in anger and frustration and it strikes true, but bounces off Idomeneus’ shield and kills Ascalaphus, son of Ares. The war god didn’t yet know his son was dead because he was currently waiting on Zeus, as all of the gods were supposed to be (somehow, they hadn’t noticed that Poseidon was missing and fighting next to Antilochus, keeping him safe.
Adamas, son of Asius, who he killed a little bit earlier, sees an opening and stabs at Antilochus’ guts with everything he had. It struck his shield and should have gone through and into his stomach, killing him, but Poseidon dulled the point so that it stuck in the shield and broke. Meriones follows up behind Antilochus and transfixes Adamas with his spear, pinning him to the ground as he dies in agony.
The Trojan Helenus, brother to Hector and Paris, kills Deipyrus, upsetting Menelaus. He throws his spear at Helenus at the same moment that Helenus fired his bow at Menelaus. The arrow scrapes off Menelaus’ armor harmlessly while the spear pierces the bowman’s hand and embedded itself in the wood of his bow, pinning his weapon to his now-useless hand. Pisander charges to try and let his friend escape to see the doctor, and breaks his spear off in Menelaus’s shield. He dropped the broken haft and drew his bronze battle-axe as Menelaus drew his spear. Pisander’s axe finds Menelaus’ helmet but the sword catches Pisander in the face, just at the bridge of his nose, and hit him so hard that his eyes popped out of his skull (seriously). Menelaus taunts the fallen soldier, then strips the body.
Menelaus and Idomeneus were routing the Trojans on the left flank, and probably would win that fight soon, but Hector was still wrapped up in the fighting at the center and hadn’t noticed. They were very close to the ships of Ajax, and Hector could practically taste victory. Ajax and Ajax stood shoulder to shoulder, straining to stop an oncoming army all by themselves, but it wouldn’t last forever. Polydamas is watching the whole battle, though, and sees that only a small part of the Trojan army had been able to cross through the small breach in the Greek wall, and the rest were either standing around uselessly, or getting crushed by the enemy. “Dude, I know you think you always know better, but we need to get the fuck out of dodge right now and regroup, or we’re going to get our asses handed to us. Achilles is still sitting this out, so he’s fresh, and there’s no reason to think he won’t jump in when he feels threatened. Come on, please?”
Hector ignores the sensible advice to pull back, but agrees to regroup and call together the chieftains. Once everyone is huddled up, he notices that a few people (especially the people that Idomeneus and Menelaus have been killing) aren’t there. “Hey, girl-crazy Paris, there seem to be a lot of guys AWOL. Are they dead? Shit, Ilus might be fucked.” Paris answered him. “Hector, it’s nobody’s fault. Those guys all died or were badly injured following your lead. That sucks, but we’re still ready to follow your lead, to our deaths if need be.”
They charged at Ajax again, who held firm and heckled the Trojans a little. He couldn’t hold forever, and the fighting got closer to the ships, catching the attention of Nestor. He headed for the sound of battle, and the wounded kings Diomedes, Odysseus, and Agamemnon fall in behind him. “Why did we come here, Nestor? I fear that Hector might actually make good on his boast to burn our ships before nightfall.” “That makes two of us, Agamemnon. Our wall has fallen, and things are dark. We should figure out what to do, but we shouldn’t actually fight since we’re all too hurt to do any good.”
“What’s the point, Nestor? It’s clear that Zeus has decided that we’re going to die here on this fucking beach, so far from home. We should draw the fleet out into the water so that, if they actually stop fighting at night, the Greeks can run in the night, admitting defeat. There’s no shame in that.” Odysseus is outraged. “Are you fucking serious? There’s nothing but shame in that. You should be in charge of something smaller and less awesome than our army if you’re going to give orders like that bullshit. Not only is it cowardly as fuck, but if the Greek army sees us pulling out the ships, they’re not going to keep fighting. They’re going to run for the ships, and the Trojans will fall on us from behind and wreck our assholes, and we’ll deserve it!”
“Okay, shit Odysseus. That wasn’t an order, it was a suggestion. If someone has a better idea, I’m all ears.” Diomedes piped up. “Here’s an idea, old man: let’s go to the fight anyway, and just stay out of the fighting. We can still encourage the healthy fighters.” No one had a better option, so they decided to go be cheerleaders for a while. Poseidon comes to the group in the guise of an old man. “Is Achilles still just watching everyone die? Fuck him, am I right? Anyway, I don’t think the gods are wholly against you, and I think you’ll soon see the Trojans retreating back towards the city walls.” Then he gave a battle cry that sounded like the voices of ten thousand men, giving heart to the Greek army to keep fighting.
Hera sees what her brother/brother-in-law is doing, then looks up at her husband Zeus on Mount Ida and she hates him. Poseidon is trying to help the Greeks, but he won’t be able to if Zeus catches wind of what is happening. She didn’t have a lot of weapons in her arsenal that could do jack shit to Zeus, but what she did have was the ability to control him with his penis. Not magically or anything, she just really knew what he liked. If she could get him off, it wouldn’t be hard to cast a magical sleep on him. She went to her room, made by her son Hephaestus so that no one but her could open the lock, and went through a drawn-out getting ready montage. Just imagine it however you like, with as much nudity as you want because she definitely did most of this nude according to the story.
Anyway, once she’s all sexified, she goes to find Aphrodite. “Hey, girl, can I ask you a favor, or will you shoot me down just because you support the Trojans and I support the Greeks?” “No, no, I’ll help even though I don’t know what you’re going to ask. What do you need?” In spite of her words, Hera knew Aphrodite would probably change her mind if she knew what was really up, so she decided to lie to her so that she would help Hera trick her husband. They had a weird marriage. “What I need is for you to give some of that sex goddess magic. I’m gonna go visit the Titan Oceanus, who we’re all descended from, and his wife since they took me in as a kid after Rhea tossed me on my ass, just because Zeus threw Cronus into Tartarus for trying to murder us all. He and his wife are fighting, and I want to try and get them to reconcile. Sexually. I want to go make my grandparents fuck each other, okay?” “Sure, cool, no problem. Like I’m going to turn down the chick sucking Zeus’ dick. That dude is crazy.”
Guess where Aphrodite keeps her charms. Go on, really guess. Got your guess? Did you guess her bra? Cause that’s where she keeps them. Even better, she slips the bra off and hands it over to Hera to borrow, dirty and all. Hera, happy to have the sexual magic whammy, put it on immediately. Then she headed out to the wintry, frozen peaks where Death and his brother Sleep lived. She found Sleep, and took him by the hand. “I need a favor, man. I’m gonna go drain Zeus’ dick. When he gets all sleepy after, I need you to make him pass the fuck out. Some real Sleeping Beauty shit. Can you do that for me?” Sleep sighed. “If it was anyone else you asked about, this wouldn’t be a big thing, but I have learned to stay the fuck away from Zeus without his permission. I got in trouble trying to help you when you wanted to fuck with Hercules, and I’m not doing that shit again. When he woke up, he literally started tossing gods around in anger. If I hadn’t gotten Nyx to protect me, I’d have been cast into Tartarus. Hell to the no.”
“Yeah, but that was because it was his son. You really think he cares for the Trojans like he did Hercules? This is just a whim, trust me. Tell you what, as the Goddess of Marriage, I’ll set you up with one of the Graces if you help me. You always wanted the fair Pasithea, and I can get her to marry you.” “Well shit, I had no idea you would remove the free will from a divine being to buy me over. Swear by the River Styx, an oath no god would break, and I’ll do this thing for you.”
She happily swears, and they go to Ida, covered in a magical mist. Sleep turned into a bird and hid in a tall tree while Hera went to her husband. “What are you doing here, tricksy minx? And without a horse or chariot to carry you home? That feels suspicious.” “Zeus, baby, you got it all wrong.” She spins the same tale about Oceanus and his wife, and says that horses are waiting for her on the lower spurs of the mountain. “I just wanted to check with you before I went there, so you didn’t think I was trying to do something sneaky.” “Yeah, now’s a real bad time to do that, hon. See, my dick is hard as a rock all of a sudden and even though I’m not sure why, I’m not going to think too hard about it because I let my dick control me and I don’t think I’ve ever been this horny before, not even with all of my side pieces. Come over here and get nekkid, girl.”
“Well, while bringing up all the chicks you cheat on me with doesn’t exactly get me wet, I’m gonna let that go. But seriously, do you really want to fuck each other like animals, here in front of everyone? I would be so embarrassed if someone saw us together, even though we’re married and fuck all the time. I’ve got a real private room we can bump uglies in, though. Wanna go?” “No, I’m too horny. I’ll just cover us in a golden cloud so dense even the sun won’t be able to see us.” Then he grabbed her with a lascivious grin and began to pull her clothes off. He created the golden cloud, sprinkling gentle rain on their naked, panting bodies while they fucked. Once he finished his epic god-cum (without a kid for once), he passed the fuck out immediately. Sleep made sure the god king was really out and then went to Poseidon. “Hey, sea god, Hera says you can help the Greeks freely for a little while. Zeus is…distracted. Go nuts.”
Poseidon wasn’t one to waste an opportunity, so he dashed to the front lines to encourage the Greek army. “Fuck Achilles, guys. As long as we work together, we don’t need his childish ass. Everybody grab the biggest shield you can find, our helmets, and the longest spears you can handle, and let’s go kick some Trojan ass!” Everyone cheers and charges behind Poseidon to get ready to go back to the fight. Armed and armored again, they rush out to defend the ships.
Hector sees this newly energized vanguard coming and arrays his troops against them. They set, and readied for the Greek charge, which came in a roaring crash of armor and weapons. Hector sees Ajax in the lead, and looses a spear at his chest. The spear catches him square in the ribs, but it’s stopped by the crossed straps of his sword and shield over his chest, barely missing a lethal blow. Furious, Hector pulls back behind his men, but not before Ajax gets his revenge. The giant of a man picked up a jagged stone from the beach and hurled it at Hector, catching him in the back of the neck, spinning the Trojan prince like a top and making him see stars. He took one more wavering step, then dropped hard to the sand.
The Greeks cheered and surged forward, trying to finish off Hector and break the back of the Trojan resistance, but his men surround his fallen body and drag him to safety before anyone can put an arrow in him. The unconscious Hector is pulled back to the city for care. They splash him with water to try and wake him up, which works. Sort of, anyway. He sits up, vomits blood, then collapses again. Ajax doesn’t play around.
The Greeks, seeing their most dangerous enemy leaving the field, redouble their efforts to drive back the Trojan forces and protect the ships. Ajax the Lesser leaps onto Satnius and stabs him in the side, just below the ribs, and he falls. Polydamas rushed in to avenge his friend, stabbing Prothoenor in the shoulder. “I got you, son! I never waste a spear, and since it’s in your body as you’re bleeding to death right now, maybe you can use it as a walking stick on your way to Hell!”
Ajax, who was standing near the Greek when the braggadocious asshole stabbed him, is enraged at this boasting. He tosses a spear at him as he pulls back, but Polydamas dodges at the last moment, and the spear strikes Archelochus instead. The point ripped through his throat and jutted out the back of his neck, severing his spine so that the man flopped bonelessly to the ground to drown in his own blood. “Tell me Polydamas, was your friend as good a kill as Prothenor was? He seems like a rich kid, and he kind of looks like Antenor. Was he related maybe?” This pissed off the Trojans because Ajax damn well knew that he had killed Antenor’s son. His brother, Acamas stepped over his brother’s body to protect it, wounding Promachus who was trying to drag the body away for looting. “You won’t find us so easy to kill, Greek! We’ll take you to Hades with us!”
The fighting rages a while longer, but the tide is turning in the Greek’s favor. Hector is out of the fight, and Poseidon is still leading the charge. The Trojans fall back, disheartened. This day was suppose to have been their final victory, but it isn’t working out like that anymore. Shit. They retreated back beyond the wall and the trench and regrouped at their chariots.
It was about this time that Zeus woke up from his post-coital nap. He sees the Greeks driving the Trojans before them in full rout, and he sees Poseidon leading the charge. Then he saw Hector still lying on the ground puking blood and dazed from the blow (he probably had a concussion since even Ajax the Lesser was a dangerous man). “So, Hera, I see now why you were so keen to hop on my dick today. I have half a mind to beat the ever-loving shit out of you, or maybe to hang you from the clouds with anvils tied to your feet like I did that one time after you tricked Hercules beyond the seas to Cos. Is that what you want?”
Hera knew he was utterly capable of carrying out his threats, and her voice trembled when she spoke. “I swear by the River Styx, an oath no god would break, and by our own marriage bed (which as the goddess of marriage, i wouldn’t dare profane) that Poseidon is down there completely of his own accord and without any prompting from me. If he’d asked my opinion, I would have told him it was too dangerous and he should listen to you instead.” “You know, wife, if you would support me like this in council more often, Poseidon would come around to my way of thinking more often. If you speak truly, then go to Iris and Apollo. Have Iris order Poseidon off the battlefield, and have Apollo go heal Hector and get him back into the fight. I promised Thetis that Achilles would have his vengeance before I stayed my anger, and I intend to keep that promise.”
Hera knew when she could defy her husband and when she couldn’t (usually), so she did as she was ordered. She first gathered up all the gods on Olympus and warned them that, at this point, it was useless to try and get Zeus to change his mind. He was hell-bent on his path of destruction, and no one would be able to change his mind because he knew he could take all of them on and win, so he had no reason to try and compromise. Some of their children were going to die, and there was nothing they could do to prevent it anymore. Ares, who had already lost his son Ascalaphus in battle, slapped his thighs angrily. “Fuck it. I’m going to avenge the death of my son by killing some Greek assholes and if that means I get blasted with a thunderbolt, so be it.”
He rushed out to get armored and prepare his chariot, but Athena rushed after him. She yanked the helmet off his head and boxed his ears. “You fucking moron! If you do this, after what Hera just told us, Zeus is going to make us all suffer, and the two armies will still be left to their own devices! You can’t accomplish anything but our suffering this way, so stay the fuck here brother!” Upset but unable to deny her wisdom, Ares went back inside.
While this was happening, Iris and Apollo were sent on their missions from Zeus. Iris found Poseidon still on the front lines. “Zeus wants you to get back to Olympus or under the sea. Now. If you stay here, he’s going to come down here and personally kick your ass. You can’t take him, no matter how much you might posture, so leave off.” “Fuck that asshat! I’m his brother, and his equal. He got the sky and I the sea (and Hades the underworld) by pure luck! We drew straws for this, so he needs to step off. I do what I want, motherfucker!” “Are you sure that’s what you want me to say to Zeus for you?” Poseidon paused. “Fuck, you’re right. I’m pissed, and I think I could take him, but you’re right. This hill isn’t worth dying on. I’ll back off, as much as it hurts my pride. But let him know that if he spares Ilus from being sacked, as myself, Hera, Athena, Hermes, and Hephaestus all want, he’ll have our anger to deal with.”
Apollo went to rouse and invigorate Hector, and help the Trojans to drive the Greeks back to their ships again. Achilles would have his childish, petty, deadly revenge. “Heya, prince. You look like shit. Why are you out of the fighting? Do you have a boo-boo?” In a weak voice, Hector responded “Which god are you that taunts me so? I was beaned by Ajax with a fucking boulder, and I’m feeling a little concussed. Hell, since I haven’t stopped vomiting blood, this might well kill me.” “Not with me on your side, it won’t. I, Apollo, guardian of Troy, will heal you and help you drive the Greeks back to their ships again. Cool?”
Thoas sees what’s up. “Shit, is that Hector? I thought he was down for the count. This is bad, guys. We need to fall back behind the wall again, but our strongest should stay here to slow him down while everyone else sets up behind the wall.” Thoas leads the force staying behind, along with Ajax, Idomeneus, Teucer, Meriones, and Meges. Apollo and Hector lead the charge, panicking the Greek army. Many died in the blood and the mud to buy the main army time to get settled behind the walls. Hector pushes for the breach. “Everyone through the wall! If I see anyone staying on this side of the wall, I’ll kill him myself and leave his body for the dogs to eat.”
Apollo charged before the army, kicking down the wooden stakes and flattening the trench so that the Trojans had a nice, straight approach to charge the wall. Then, as they charged down this bridge he had made, he went and kicked down the walls, which were never blessed and therefore would never compete with the walls he and Poseidon had built for the city, making a hole. There would be no stopping the Trojan army at a small gap this time. The Trojans hit the wall like a tsunami and crashed over the top. The wall was broken. The Trojans were among the Greek ships now.
Patroclus was with Eurypylus, working on his wound with herbs and watching as the Greeks swarmed up onto the ships to try and protect them from the ravages of the rampaging foe. He had stayed put while the fighting was at the wall, but once the fighting moved to the ships themselves, he couldn’t take it anymore. “Eurypylus, I want to help with your pain, but I need to help our friends. They’re dying out there. I need to get to Achilles and try and talk him into fighting while there’s still time to save them.” He dashed off, leaving the other man in the care of a servant.
The Trojans were fierce, but the Greeks were fighting to protect their only way home. The fighting stalled at the edge of the ships as both armies fought desperately for every inch of ground. Hector charged for Ajax’s ship, and the two danced with bronze along the deck. Hector could never get enough space to fire the ship, but Ajax couldn’t drive Hector from his ship either. It was a bloody stalemate.
Teucer sets up and gets a clean shot at Hector. He smiles. The war’s about to end. He draws his bow, but Zeus isn’t yet done with Hector, and he snaps the bowstring, depriving Teucer of his victory. Teucer had strung the bow that morning with a new string, so he knew that this wasn’t normal wear and tear, but an angry god.
Hector keeps charginig wherever the resistance is hottest, trying to break the army and finally set fire to the ships, but the Greek army is well-disciplined and manages to stay in formation, thwarting the attempts to rout them. Even, so, they make a fighting retreat until they’re backed up to the ships. The fighting gets even fiercer once they are fighting between the tents, fully backed up to the beached ships. The Greeks were certain this was their doom, and the Trojans ached to set fire to the menace that had haunted them for a decade. Even mighty Ajax was driven back along his ships, forced to concede ground to the Trojan force little by little. This would be his last day, he knew, and he would go down fighting.
Patroclus finally reaches the tent of Achilles. He ran to his friend, tears in his eyes. “Patroclus, why do you weep like some silly child running for it’s mother? Do you have any news for me? Or are you crying for those assholes out there dying because they tried to take a slave girl from me?”
“Achilles, don’t be a dick, man. Why shouldn’t I be sad that my friends are dying while I stand idly by and watch? All of our heroes are wounded, and who will tell your story if we all die here? You’re cruel, heartless son of a bitch, Achilles. Even if you won’t fight, let me take some of our men and go out to help. Better yet, let me wear your armor so that the Trojans will think you’ve come back to fight. It should by us some breathing room to rally the remaining troops.”
“That cuts me to the quick, my friend. I swore that I would not help them until the fighting reached my own ships, but I guess I can let you take my men and my armor without breaking that oath. No one can stay angry forever, I guess. Only fight them until they’re driven out of the ships, though. I don’t want to help too much, just protect our way home. It would be awesome if they managed to all kill each other, leaving just you and me alive to plunder the city. Oh well.”
Ajax was still holding out on his ship, but he was exhausted. His arm was on fire from holding his shield for so long, and he could hardly hear himself think over the sound of arrows bounding off his armor and helmet, but he fought on. His situation was desperate, but he was determined to bring as many men down to hell with him as he could, so long as he could still hold a spear.
Which, as it turns out, wasn’t long. Hector leaps onto the ship and, guided by the hand of Zeus, slices the head of Ajax’s last spear off the haft, leaving him unarmed. Begrudgingly, Ajax finally falls back, and the Trojans set fire to his ship. Achilles could see the flames, so he handed over the armor to Patroclus and went to talk to the men. “I’ve heard you all compaining about how I must have been breastfed gall as a baby to sit cruelly by and prevent you all from tearing into the Trojans. Well, now is the time to test those boasts. We fight.” Then he offers up a prayer to Zeus, along with an offering of wine, asking that Patroclus be given victory.
Led by the disguised Patroclus, the Myrmidons charged into the Trojan flank, who were completely surprised to have a fresh batch of fighters enter the fray. They saw the famous armor of Achilles, and they knew terror. The deadliest fighter had returned to end them. Patroclus fights well, leading the charge and killing many men. Many heroes on both sides fought up close and personal, and many died on both sides.
Ajax had again come to grips with Hector, but try as he might, he couldn’t seem to drive a spear into the Trojan prince, Zeus was still shielding Hector from harm. He tries desperately to hold his force together. They’ve never been this close to burning the ship and ending the Greek menace, and he doesn’t want to lose this chance, but his soldiers are retreating and it’s quickly becoming a stampede as everyone runs for their lives. Patroclus was there as they tried to retreat, and he ended the lives of many men who had snuffed out the lives of his friends. Dozens fell to his spears.
Sarpedon decides that someone needs to show that Achilles (who’s really Patroclus) is still mortal, so he chides his men and then charges on foot to face him. Patroclus sees him coming and leaps out of his chariot as well to duel Sarpedon, son of Zeus. The king of the gods, meanwhile, was torn. On the one hand, he liked Sarpedon and didn’t really want to let him die. On the other, he kind of needed Patroclus to drive the Trojans back from the ships if he was going to keep this war going long enough to kill off more threats to his royal self. He mentions his conflict to Hera. “Dude, you can’t save your son from this unless you want to keep letting the other gods do the same. They’ll never sit idly by and watch their children suffer if you don’t do the same.” Zeus bowed his head, knowing this to be true, and he decided to stay out of it, but he sent a shower of blood in his sorrow that his son was about to die.
Patroclus comes out swinging, and drives his spear into the belly of Sarpedon’s squire, killing him and letting him focus on the older fighter. He drove a spear at Patroclus, missing, but catching his horse in the right shoulder. The horse screamed in agony and fell to the dust to die a painful, slow death. Sarpedon aimed and struck again, but missed high over Patroclus’ shoulder. He over balanced on his strike, and Patroclus seized the opening, driving his spear between the son of Zeus’ ribs. He begged his comrades to protect his body and not let his armor be stolen, and then he died.
Glaucus heard his friend’s dying wish, but he could not help. His hand was still ruined from Teucer’s bowshot, and he couldn’t hold a spear. He prayed to Apollo for help, and the god heard him. The pain in his hand retreated, and he found he could fight again. Rejuvenated, he went to Hector and Aeneas and cajolled them into coming with him to protect his friend’s body.
The man had not been a Trojan, but Sarpedon had fought well on their behalf and had been beloved by the people, so the Trojans rallied to defend his corpse. Many fell on both sides as they fought for control of this one body. Zeus watched this unfold from above, unable to look away. His son was dead. It had needed to happen, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want the son of a bitch who’d killed him to pay for it. He stole Hector’s confidence, and caused him to retreat from the ships. Finally alone around Sarpedon’s body, the Greeks dragged the body away from the lines and stripped it, sending the armor back to the ships as spoils. Zeus sent Apollo then to steal away the body and wash it, then have Death and Sleep take it to his brother’s land back home to be buried with honor.
Patroclus, proud of his own success in driving the Trojans from the ships, forgot his promise to Achilles. He was supposed to come back as soon as the immediate threat was gone, but his bloodlust was up and he pursued the fleeing Trojans back towards their city. He reached the city walls and charged. Apollo was waiting, and drove back his charge. Twice more, he drove hard at the god on the walls, and twice more he was driven back. He gathered himself for a fourth charge. “Enough, Patroclus! It is not for you to sack this city, nor will it be the fate of Achilles, who is a far better fighter than you. Give up, man!” Patroclus heard, and drew back so as to not upset the god.
Hector was inside the city gates debating whether to try and head back out to fight or call the army back behind the walls to lick their wounds. Apollo slipped into the city and went to Hector in the guise of his uncle Asius. “Hector, why aren’t you out there fighting? That’s pretty shitty of you. You should drive straight towards that Patroclus dude who’s pretending to be Achilles, and I bet Apollo would give you the victory. Wink wink.” Hector took the hint and had his chariot taken out again. He bore down on Patroclus, who saw him coming and jumped to the ground with a spear in one hand and a huge rock in the other. He took a moment, then hurled the rock at Hector. It missed the prince, but hit his charioteer (he went through those like Spinal Tap went through drummers). The bastard son of King Priam had his head bashed in, and his eyes popped out of his skull and plopped wetly on the ground.
Patroclus laughed at his kill. “He’s a very spry fellow, and one hell of a diver. If only we were at sea instead of on the beach, he could have brought up a bunch of oysters instead of a facefull of his own brains.” He dashed over to loot the body, and Hector leapt down from his now-useless chariot to face him. The two warriors circled and hacked at each other. Hector had Cebriones’ corpse by the head and Patroclus had him by the feet. As the sun passed noon, the Greeks took the bit in their teeth and started to overrun the Trojans, which allowed them to finally drag the corpse of the poor charioteer back to be looted. Patroclus rushed back into the fight, killing twenty-seven men, but then the gods conspired against him. Literally.
Apollo, hidden in a mystic darkness, snuck up behind him and shoved him hard, blurring his vision and knocking the helmet off his head. It rolled in the dust to Hector’s feet, and he took it as spoils since this was the helmet of famous Achilles. His spear shattered in his hand, and the strap of his shield broke, dropping to the floor. The straps on his armor snapped, leaving him exposed. While Patroclus stood there, confused and afraid, Euphorbus ran up behind him and planted a spear in his back. Patroclus fell to the ground, spitting blood, but he wasn’t out just yet. Seeing the man rise, Euphorbus pulled his spear out of the wound and ran away. Hector sees the man, unarmored and unarmed, pulling back into his own army to try and get to safety. He can’t have that. Hector forces his way through the ranks to reach the bleeding Patroclus, still reeling from being attacked by a literal god, and drove his own spear deep into the man’s belly.
Hector gloated over him as he lay there, dying, thanks to the ultimate unfair fight. “You thought you were going to sack my city, to rape my people, and to pillage my land. You fool. You never had a chance. I was never going to let that happen, you asshole. Achilles couldn’t help you. Your friends couldn’t help you. You’ll lie here and rot, and your corpse will feed the vultures.” Gasping and spitting blood, Patroclus looked up at him. “Laugh it up, chuckles. You only beat me because the gods cheated. When I still had my weapons and my armor, you couldn’t touch me. Fuck you and fuck your city. You won’t long survive me, I promise you. You will soon die at Achilles’ hand.” And with that, he died.
Hector saw the life leave him, but he couldn’t leave those last words alone. “Patroclus, why would you foretell my doom? You don’t know what you’re talking about. Achilles isn’t going to kill me, I’m gonna kill him.” Standing again, he ripped his spear out of the lifeless body of his dead foe and went back to the fight.
Achilles is not going to be happy about this when he finds out. Patroclus was his best friend, and maybe his gay lover, and he desperately wanted to keep him safe. He’s gonna explode, and we’re gonna watch, but not until next time, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monster is the manticore.
The manticore is something lifted from a nightmare. The creature began in the Middle East before migrating to the Greek pantheon thanks to Ctesias, a Greek physician at the Persian court of King Artaxerxes II in the fourth century BC. This nightmare fuel has the head of a human, the body of a lion, and a tail of poisonous spines, like porcupine quills, tipped with a scorpion stinger. By many accounts, the poisonous spines can be launched from the tail like arrows, making the manticore a deadly threat and a lethal predator.
The original Persian name, combining “martya” or man and “kwar” or to eat, means “man-eater”, and not the oh whoa here she comes kind. The manticore has triple rows of teeth, like a shark, to devour victims whole and leave no bones behind. The monster was tricksy, capable of speaking any language, and would often hide in fog or bushes so that only its human-looking head was visible to trick victims. It had a voice like a trumpet, melodius and safe-sounding, and this would soothe people into getting close enough to actually see it’s flame-red body. Once you saw that, you were never seen again. People who went missing were often thought to be victims of the manticore, since it didn’t leave a body, clothes, or possessions behind.
The venom in the manticore’s tail is deadly and fast-acting so even if being ripped apart by razor sharp spines isn’t enough to put you down for the count, the poison burning in your veins would do the job. Weirdly, several accounts say that the manticore cannot, for unknown reasons, kill elephants. Other stories say that if you come across a baby manticore and crush its tail, it will never be able to grow poisonous spines, making it far less dangerous.
Unlike most of the creatures we’ve covered as part of this series so far, there are no major myths involving the manticore that have survived to the modern day. In my mind, that means that since no hero ever famously killed this monster, it’s still out there, wandering the steppes of India. So if you see a head hanging in the bush with a voice like a trumpet paired with the lower notes of a flute asking you to come closer, get the fuck out of there if you don’t want to get devoured fucking whole!
That’s it for this episode of Myth Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. I want to say thanks to Arbinz for the review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’re going to see that Patroclus’ part in this story isn’t quite over yet. You’ll see that tug of war is a truly ancient game, that seriously, looting armor from corpses is a bad idea, and that sometimes all you need is some sartorial splendor. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll learn that there are worse things than being so hungry, you could eat a horse. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.