Episode 26H – He’s Just Not That Into You

Episode 26H Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, the Greek army is going to learn that it can always get worse. You’ll see that snitches get stitches, that Zeus is fickle as shit, and that you should absolutely always listen to omens. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the actual king of the monsters (sorry Godzilla). This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 26H, “He’s Just Not that Into You”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, Paris former herdsmen and lost prince of Troy, had kidnapped Helen of Sparta, wife of King Menelaus, because a god promised her to him as a bribe. The Spartan king had summoned everyone he could to go get her back, over 1000 ships worth of soldiers, and set sail for Troy. They spent eight years of misadventures trying to get to the distant city before finally killing the right people to appease the right gods to find their way. There, they have spent another nine years besieging the city of Troy, with neither side really getting any decisive victories. After more inconclusive fighting, Agamemnon pisses off one of his most important allies by being petty, and Achilles goes to his tent to sulk, refusing to fight anymore. The Trojans had fought back fiercely, resulting in Menelaus of Sparta being willing to accept a challenge to single combat with Prince Paris of Troy to decide the whole damned war. After a lot of build up, Paris gets his ass kicked and is saved from certain death by the timely intervention of Aphrodite, who carries him away from the fight, leaving the battle to drag on. The battle becomes incredibly intense after Zeus orders all immortals off the field, and ends with the Greeks huddled behind a new wall around their ships, besieged by the Trojan army in one hell of a reversal.
The night crawled by, and the Greeks sat watching the thousands of twinkling watch fires of the Trojans. This was bad. Even Menelaus knew despair, and decided to call a council of the captains, but quietly. He didn’t want the men to know what was happening. “Everyone, this sucks. That asshole Zeus promised me that we would sack Troy before returning home, but it’s becoming clear that he lied to me. I don’t know that we have much choice but to sail for home in ignominious defeat haunted by the ghosts of our fallen, failed comrades.”
Whispers flew in a quiet susurration at that, but no one spoke up until at last, Diomed stood. “Menelaus, since this is a council, I have the right to call you a daft asshat, so I’m going to. You were the one who called me a coward not long ago, but now you call for retreat? It seems Zeus gave you honor, but not valor. Do you think we’re all as cowardly as you are? If you really want to crawl home with your tail between your legs, go. There’s nothing stopping you. We, however, will stay and fight until we finally burn that fucking city as we were promised!”
There were cheers at this, but Old Nestor stood and called for quiet. “Diomed, you are a great warrior, no one questions that, but you’re still young and I don’t think you’ve completely thought this through. Menelaus, I think you should prepare a feast for your councillors tonight while the sentries keep careful watch. You can listen over dinner to everyone’s advice and make the best decision, rather that making a hasty mistake.” Everyone agreed this was sensible, and so it was done.
Once everyone had dinner, so that everyone was a little less hangry, Nestor stood to speak again. “I’ll start by speaking to you, Agamemnon. You stole the slave girl Briseis from Achilles against my advice. I warned you, but you were too goddamned arrogant to listen to an old man like me. I think it’s time that you ended your fued with Achilles. We need him, so we need to figure out how to bribe him into forgiving you and coming back to the fight.”
Agamemnon stood silently for a moment. “Okay, I admit it. My bad. I was blinded by a nice rack and I made a bad call, so I’ll send Achilles gifts and an apology: seven tripods that have never been used, ten talents worth of gold, twenty iron cauldrons, twelve strong horses that have won races in the past, seven Lesbian workmen (by which I of course mean slave men I took from the island of Lesbos), and, of course, I’ll include Briseis along with a promise that I never had time to rape her, so he doesn’t have to worry about any sloppy seconds when he takes a captured woman against her will, because obviously that’s the only thing wrong with this scenario. All of this I’ll give him, and promise that if we take the city, he can have his pick of gold and bronze to load up his ship, twenty Trojan women who can be the loveliest in the city (except for Helen, of course). When we get home, he’ll be my relative. He can take his pick of my three daughters without paying wooing price and I’ll include a massive dowry for her to marry one of his own sons, and I will give him seven of my cities to be his to rule. I think that should make up for any insult, yeah?”
It was indeed better than a dozen roses for making up, so they agreed and sent a party with the terms, which included Odysseus, Ajax, Phoenix, and the heralds Odius and Eurybates. They made offerings to the gods, and then went to the ships to talk to Achilles. They found him in his tent with his friend (and some scholars think lover) Patroclus, softly strumming his lyre that he had taken as spoils from the sack of Eetion. Both men stood when they saw the party coming. “Welcome all. Something big must be up for you guys to come. I love you guys, even if I am still really, really pissed at all of you. Be my guests.”
He passed out good wine, barely watered down, and they all sat to talk. Odysseus went first. “Alright, straight talk Achilles. We’re in deep shit right about now, and without your help, we don’t know if we’re going to have to sail for home. The Trojans have us surrounded and they think that they’re going to fall on us and destroy us. They might be right. Zeus has been tossing thunderbolts at us, so he’s apparently on their side now. Hector’s been rampaging through our lines, completely unstoppable. He stands near our wall and swears that he will burn our ships around us and leave us dead and dying in the smoke. We need your help, man. We need you back. If you watch us all die, you’ll regret it, but it will be too late to do anything. It’s not too late yet, so help us.
“Don’t you remember that your dad warned you to be careful of your temper? Besides, Agamemnon is ready to make nice. He’s offered a lot of opulent gifts to apologize to you. Even if you hate him and his stuff, you love your people, right? If you kill Hector for us, and save us, they’ll worship you like a god. You’ll probably get a chance since Hector is convinced the gods are all on his side now, so he doesn’t fear any Greeks.”
“I’ll be straight with you, Odysseus. There’s no way I’m going to be appeased by that asshole Agamemnon since I never get any thanks for my efforts. I don’t get any better results if I fight than if I don’t so why should I bother? With my ships, I have sacked twelve cities allied to Troy, and eleven more on land. I took all their shit when we burned the cities, but I didn’t keep any of it. Instead, I had to give it all to Agamemnon, who stayed by the ships the whole damned time. I mean, he did give out some honors to the kings he liked, but me, and only me, he actually took one of the few things I managed to take from this fucking war. Fine, let him keep the slave girl and fuck her all he wants. Why are we all here? Wasn’t it because of Helen? Is Agamemnon’s brother the only guy who ever lost a wife? I mean, Paris taking Helen was basically the same as Agamemnon taking the slave woman I kidnapped and raped against her will, right? Let Agamemnon count on all of you to save his ships from burning. I’m not going to lift a finger. Tell him that for me, in front of everyone. I want to make sure they all know this is his fault.
“As for me, I want nothing to do with him. He’s too big a coward to face me like a man after he insulted me and deceived me. I don’t give a shit about his gifts. He could offer me twenty times as much, and it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing will be until I taste sweet revenge. My life is worth more than all the treasure he can scrape together, and more than his daughter too. I can buy horses if I want, but I can’t buy another lifetime if I lose it fighting this idiotic war for an asshole. My mother tells me that I have two possible deaths in my future: if I stay here and fight, I won’t ever come home, but my name will live forever; if instead I go home, my name will die when I do, but that day will be a long time coming. Do what I’m going to do – go home and live longer, happier lives. His fight isn’t our fight and it isn’t worth it. Go tell Agamemnon all of this, but Phoenix can sleep here tonight and sail home with me if he wants.”
Silence greeted his pronouncement. They had hoped he wouldn’t reject them like this. The hopes of the Greek army rode on convincing Achilles to come fight again. The old fighter Phoenix, who Achilles had invited to come with him, bursts into tears. “My friend, if you are set on doing nothing to save our friends, then how can I stay here with you? Your dad asked me to come with you when you first left as a young boy who knew little of war or politics. He wanted me to help train you to be a man. I won’t go with you, not even if it meant I could once again be as young as you were when we first left to meet Agamemnon.
“I never told you this, but when I was a young man, my father had a concubine that he liked more than my mother, his wife. My mom, hurt and betrayed, begged me to seduce my father’s piece of ass and convince her to be with me instead of my father. How could I say no to someone who had been wronged like that? I did it, and when Dad found out, he cursed me, literally and figuratively. After calling me a shitprick son of a bitch, he called upon the Erinyes, the spirits of vengeance, to see to it that I would never have a son of my own. I almost killed him, but I held back because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life known as a father-murderer. Patricide is a dark crime. Still, I couldn’t exactly stay at home, in spite of all of my cousins begging me to. When they saw I meant to go, they set a guard on me and for nine days, the kept constant watch to make sure I didn’t leave. On the tenth, when they were getting complacent, I broke through the closed doors of my room and scaled the wall of the outer court without being seen. I fled through Greece until I came to Phthia, ruled by your father Peleus. He made me welcome, and treated me as a father treats an only son who will be the heir to all his wealth. He made me rich and gave me a position of power and honor, and he charged me with helping to raise you. I fed you and changed you as a baby. You’re the only son I’ll ever have, my friend. So please, listen to me when I tell you to beat back your anger and help us. I wouldn’t ask this of you if our situation wasn’t so desperate and if Agamemnon hadn’t offered so much to earn your forgiveness. The old stories tell us that even great heroes done a great wrong can be won over with kingly gifts. Come with us tonight, please. Once the ships are burning, it will be much, much harder to save us, and you will not win the same kind of honor.”
“Phoenix, old friend and father, I need no such honor. Zeus honors me. Don’t bother coming around again to try and win me over with tears and sad stories. If you keep sticking up for your new best buddy Agamemnon like this, we might not be able to be friends anymore, so be careful. You should be helping me, not him. He’s a dick! The others can take my answer back to the ships. You should stay here and sleep in your own bed. At dawn, we’ll decide whether to remain or to go home.”
Ajax stood. “Come on, Odysseus. I can see that this has been a waste of time. Achilles is savage and heartless. He is cruel, and a bad friend. He doesn’t care how much everyone loves him, and wants his help. He can only see his own pride. I’ve known people who literally had family members murdered give up their anger for less than Agamemnon is offering you, and all over one fucking girl. You’re an asshat, Achilles.”
“Ajax, you make some good points, but my blood fucking boils every time I think about how he humiliated me in front of everyone. He treated me like some common whore that he could do with as he wished (or like a slave he could rape, which is what I want to do, so I’m not sure how this doesn’t make me look bad, but whatever). Tell Agamemnon and Menelaus that I will do nothing to stop Hector’s rampage until he breaks through the wall and sets fire to their ships. When he reaches me here, at my own ships, he will go no further.”
Everyone went their separate ways, and Achilles retired to his inner room with Diomede, the daughter of Phorbas, who he had kidnapped from Lesbos, so he actually already has another slave girl to ravage, which makes this whole thing even less comprehensible. Seriously, fuck Achilles.
The party returns to the main army to deliver the news. “Sorry, Agamemnon, but there’s no getting through to that douche. He said that stopping the Trojans is all on you and, at daybreak, he’s pulling his ships back into the water to go home and advises us that we should do the same.” After a long silence, Diomed says “I think we went about this the wrong way. He’s an arrogant, prideful man, and coming to him hat in hand like that just convinced him that he’s right. When the fighting gets close to him, he’ll fight. He won’t be able to help himself. Fuck him. You, Agamemnon, need to be ready. At dawn, you need to lead our horsemen in a charge, with yourself at the head.”
Most of the Greek princes slept soundly, but Agamemnon was too worried to sleep. When he closed his eyes, he saw the thousands of watchfires ringing his camp. Giving it up as a lost cause, he rose and dressed. It turned out that his brother also couldn’t sleep for the same reason. Agamemnon finds him already dressing for battle near his ships. Menelaus sees his brother coming. “What’s up, little brother? Why are you dressing for battle in the middle of the night? Are you hoping to send someone out to spy amongst the Trojan camps? I doubt anyone will be willing. It’s a bold, dangerous move.”
“Bro, we need to do something big to save our people. Zeus is on Hector’s side, and I’ve never seen a mortal man wreak so much havoc in a single day. Call Ajax and Idomeneus, and I’ll go get Nestor to instruct our sentinels, since they’ll listen to him better than anyone else.” Menelaus cocked his head. “I’m not sure I follow. Am I supposed to wait with them for you, or am I supposed to come back here?” “Wait for me with them. Otherwise, we might miss each other in the darkness.”
Agamemnon goes to get Nestor, who agrees to help. “I can’t help but be a little pissed at your brother, though, for sleeping soundly and leaving you to do all of this for him. Again.” Agamemnon laughed. “You’re not wrong about him expecting me to do a lot of things he should do, but tonight, he was actually up and arming before I was. He’s already on his way to rouse some of the men.” “Huh. Fair enough then.”
Once everyone was gathered, Nestor asked for volunteers to go out into the night and try to pick off a Trojan soldier to torture for information. Diomed volunteers. “I can do this thing, but I’d feel a lot better about it if I had someone with me to watch my back.” Several men offered to go with him, and Agamemnon told Diomed to pick. “It’s your neck out there, so pick whomever you think is best, not just the guy with the most important titles.” Agamemnon was secretly worried he would pick Menelaus, but instead he chose crafty Odysseus. He knew this was a sneaky mission, and he needed a sneaky guy. The two men set out.
Athena sent a heron to them in the darkness as a sign of her favor, and the two men thanked her when they heard the heron call. Together, they prowled silently between the broken armor and blood-stained bodies of those fallen outside the Greek walls. Meanwhile, Hector was plotting his own plots. He too had called a council, and was asking for a volunteer to sneak into the Greek camp and see if they were still as well guarded as they had been. A famous herald named Dolon agrees to go after everyone stares at their feet a while, because the Trojans just aren’t that courageous as the barbarians of the story. The guy was kind of a bastard, but he was fast and the only son among five sisters (not sure why that’s mentioned, but it’s an interesting detail).
“Okay, Hector, I’ll go scouting, but first, I want you to hold up your scepter and swear that when I come back, you’ll give me the chariot chased in bronze and the right to Achilles’ horses, like you said you would. Then, I’ll ride from one end of the camp to the other until I find the Greek leaders planning what to do tomorrow.” Hector, being too nice to get upset that the guy didn’t trust his word, holds up his scepter and promises by Zeus to honor his deal. Dolon heads out into the darkness.
Unfortunately for him, Odysseus and Diomed were already most of the way to the camp and saw him heading out, backlit by the Trojan watchfires. Odysseus nudged Diomed. “We just found our sucker. I don’t know if he’s a spy heading to our camp or a thief out to plunder the dead, but either way, let’s jump this fucker.” They laid down among the corpses to hide and waited for him to wander passed. Once he was just a little way on, they sprang up and ran after him. He heard them coming but, so close to his own camp, he assumed they were fellow Trojans sent by Hector to ask him to come back for further orders. You know what happens when you assume: you get hunted by Greek heroes. It wasn’t until they were close enough for him to make out their faces by moonlight that he realized he was in deep shit, and he tried to run. They chased him across the empty battlefield until they were almost all the way to the Greek wall. Diomed, fearing that one of the Greek sentries would see the spy coming and take the glory for himself, put on a fresh burst of speed to close. He hefted his spear and yelled “Stop now, or I’ll put my spear through your guts and end you right here, right now!”
As he spoke, he hurled his spear as a warning shot. It flew high, just over Dolon’s shoulder, and landed quivering in the dirt. He froze immediately, trembling like a bunny that’s just seen a hawk. His teeth chattered and his life flashed before his eyes. The two Greek heroes caught up to a weeping, shivering Dolon. “Please don’t kill me, guys. My daddy will pay a nice ransom for my return, as long as I’m alive to trade for it.” Odysseus grinned a wolf’s red grin. “No worries, friend. As long as you play us straight, you’ve got nothing to fear. So tell us, what brings you out here in the middle of the night, hm?” “Hector convinced me to go spy on you guys with promises of a sweet chariot and the right to take Achilles’ horses as spoils, against my better judgment. I should have just stayed in bed. I was supposed to go check out your fortifications, and find out if you were guarding the ships or not. We were hoping that exhaustion and despair was making you careless.”
“He actually promised you Achilles’ horses? Dude, those fuckers are wild. No one but Achilles himself, whose mother was an immortal, has ever been able to handle them. You got played, man. Now tell me: where is Hector? What’s the plan?” “Hector and his advisors are holding council near the monument to Ilus. There’s no chosen guards to watch over the army. The Trojans have watchfires, and men stand awake at them, but their allies aren’t bothering since it’s not their wives and children at risk beyond the walls.” “Cool, cool. Are these guys sleeping apart, or mixed in with the Trojans?” “They each have their own camps, but why do you care? If you really want a way into the army, go through the Thracians, who got here recently and are the farthest away from everyone else.”
Diomed put one hand on Dolon’s shoulder. “That’s real helpful, friend. Of course, I can’t have you going back to the Trojans. If we ransom you back, you’ll just be a thorn in our sides later, either as a spy or a warrior. Sorry, but I’m gonna have to kill you now.” “But…but you said you’d let me live if I helped you!” Diomed smiled. “I lied.” As he spoke, he drew his sword and ripped it through Dolon’s throat in a single fluid motion. It cut clean through his neck, and poor Dolon’s head bounced on the sand spurting blood, a look of shock and fear frozen on his dead face.
They said a quick prayer of thanks to Athena for her help, stripped and hid the body, then headed for the Thracian camp. As Dolon had promised, the camp was asleep, exhausted from the day’s march, and no one was on guard duty. Quietly, Diomed walked through the small group, killing the men as they slept one by one. Twelve soldiers and their king, for a total of thirteen men, soon lay dead and bleeding in the sand. Odysseus went behind him, tying all the horses together and driving them passed the dead bodied, which frightened them since they were not yet used to corpses, with slaps from his bow, since he had forgotten to grab the whip. Then he whistled to Diomed.
Diomed, however, stayed where he was wondering if he should take the king’s fancy ass chariot or if he should keep going through the Thracians, slaughtering them while they slept. While he hesitated, Athena whispered in his ear “Go back to the ships, Diomed, or you might be driven back to them if some other god sees what you’re doing and rouses the Trojans.” Diomed recognized this as good advice and jumped onto the stolen horses to ride for safety. Odysseus jumped up beside him, and they rode off. Eagle-eyed Apollo was not sleeping that night, and he saw Athena helping the two Greek heroes. “That’s some bullshit. I need to do something.” He woke up Hippocoon, a counsellor of the Thracians and a cousin of the now dead king. The man stumbled up blearily to see the horses missing and dead men all around him drenched in their own blood. He shouted a warning, and soon the Trojan camp was up and marveling at the bravery of the Greek heroes who had snuck in and done so much damage without being seen.
The sun rose in the morning to find a Greek army invigorated by the night’s success and ready to fight rather than flee. Throughout the camp, men put on their armor and readied their horses and chariots. Today would be bloody. Across no-man’s land, the Trojans do the same. Before the sun is very far above the horizon, the Trojan army charges at the Greek fortifications with a roar and a crash of weapons. In an unspoken agreement, no quarter was asked and none was given. There would be no captives taken today, only death. At Zeus’ order, all of the gods stayed away from the battle, save only Discord who wandered between the armies to encourage their blood-lust.
All through the morning, both sides struggled without success, men cursing and crying and dying all around, but near noon, the Greeks surged over the Trojans, led by Agamemnon. He slaughters many men in quick succession, driving his spear through their skulls to batter their brains against the insides of their helmets. Two sons of Antimachus, Pisander and Hippolochus, beg for mercy but find none. He strikes Pisander dead where he stands with a hole in his chest, then catches and kills Hippolochus before cutting off his hands and head and kicking the body into the crowd like a ball. Then he hurled himself into the thick of the fighting again.
The attack turned into a rout, with the Trojans fleeing in panic from the Greek army and especially from Agamemnon, like a herd of cattle pursued and shredded by an angry lion. As they were reaching the city walls with the Trojans still in full rout, Zeus himself came down from the heavens to Mount Ida, and summoned Iris. “Tell Hector to stay out of the fighting as long as Agamemnon leads the charge, but when he sees the Greek king wounded, he should charge hard at the Greeks and I will personally keep him safe until he drives the Greek army all the way back to their ships before sunset tonight.” Zeus is really loving the wholesale slaughter, but there are still too many heroes left on the field for his comfort.
Iris delivers the message, and Hector, no fool, jumps from his chariot and runs around behind the lines encouraging the men but staying safely out of danger until he sees his promised moment. Agamemnon sees Hector behind the lines and surges forward, trying to cut a path to him. Iphidamas is on the front lines, and stands to confront the Greek king. Agamemnon thrust powerfully, but he was knocked off-balance and missed, providing an opening for the Thracian. With careful aim, he drove his spear hard into Agamemnon’s gut and, seeing his blow land, threw everything he had into it. Alas, it struck the worked silver of his armor and turned harmlessly aside. Still off-balance, Agamemnon grabs the haft of the spear and yanked, drawing Iphidamas to meet him and his swiftly rising sword. The blade sliced through the surprised man’s neck, and he died messily on the front lines.
Iphidamas’ brother, Coon, watches Iphidamas fall and swears vengeance. He sneaks up behind Agamemnon unseen in the swirl of battle. When he’s close enough, he jabs, wounding Agamemnon in the arm and driving his spear point clean through the flesh just below his elbow. His arm convulsed in agony, but Agamemnon ignores it and whirls on Coon, who was trying to drag the body of his brother to safety and calling to his comrades for help. Too late, he sees that Agamemnon is the only man to hear him, and the Greek’s sword takes off his head and his body flops down to the ground to join that of his brother.
He fights as long as he can, but soon the pain is too much (the story specifically compares it to the labor pains given to women by Hera and Eilithuia, goddess of childbirth). He finally gets on his chariot and rides for the ships. Hector watches Agamemnon leave, cradling his injured arm, and knows that this is what Zeus meant. He leaps into the line, calling out for everyone to follow him as Zeus has promised him safety and a great victory.
Hector plows through the Greek army, killing a laundry list of Greek captains and common soldiers. The Greek charge stalls and quickly turns to a retreat. It would have been a rout if Odysseus hadn’t called out to Diomed “What, have we completely forgotten how to fight? Come stand with me and help me stem the tide, or we’ll never be able to live down letting Hector burn our ships.” Diomed rushes up beside him. “I’ll stand fast, but Zeus is against us, so this is probably going to be shitty.” Together the two men hold off the Trojan army long enough for the Greeks to get a little breathing room and regroup.
It’s not long before Hector sees the two heroes wreaking havoc in his army and charges at them. Diomed sees him coming. “Shit, man, Hector’s headed this way. Game over, man, game over!” Still, he’s a brave soldier, so he stands firm and hurls his spear at Hector’s head. What’s more, his aim is true, and he connects, but Hector’s helmet, given to him by Apollo himself, turns the weapon. It still rings his bell, and he drops down behind his soldiers, stunned and having trouble seeing. Diomed rushes to grab his spear and finally kill that motherfucker Hector, but the Trojan prince recovers quickly and climbs back up on his chariot and rides to safety. “You fucking dog! I keep coming this close to killing you ass, and you keep barely slipping away. Hear me, though, I will find you and kill you before this is all over.”
As Diomed kills another man and stops to strip him of his armor, Paris watches him from a safe place hidden in the monument to Ilus. He draws his bow and lets fly an arrow at Diomed. It flies swiftly (and once again, stopping to loot in the middle of a battle is a really, really bad idea) and catches Diomed in the foot and pinning him to the ground. Paris stands out of hiding and yells at Diomed “Ha ha! I hit you, asshole! I wish I could have got you in the gut and finally killed you, but you’re still injured now. Nyah nyah!” Diomed sees the source of all this death and calls back “Come over here and say that to my face, you piece of shit! I thought not. You’re no good unless you can hide away and pick off you enemies from safety. Meet me in single combat and see who’s the better man. Your arrow barely even hurt me. It’s just a flesh wound, I say!”
Odysseus covers him and he pulls the arrow out of his foot and hops on his chariot to get the wound tended to, brave talk notwithstanding. Odysseus is now alone out there. “Well shit. If I stay, I’m probably going to die, but if I run, everyone will see me flee. Fuck it. Today is a good day to die.” The Trojans wash over him and surround him. He’s fighting a desperate fight just to stay alive now. Several spears find flesh, but Athena helps turn them so that none of the wounds are fatal, just messy and painful. Overmatched, a man named Socus thrusts his spear at Odysseus but gets it lodged in his shield. He manages to open a long wound on Odysseus’ abdomen, but the man is still fighting, and Socus no longer has a weapon. He turns to run, and Odysseus hurls his spear between the Trojan’s shoulders, then pulls the other man’s spear out of his shield, still dripping his own blood from the tip.
Slowly, Odysseus is forced to give ground before the overwhelming odds. Three times he calls out to his comrades for help. Menelaus hears him. “Ajax, our boy is in trouble! Follow me. We’re gonna go save his ass.” They manage to hack their way through the Trojans surrounding Odysseus and and guard his back. “Hey, man, how’s it going? You seem a little busy out here. Need some help?” Odysseus grinned. “Nice of you to finally join the fun!”
Fortunately for them, Hector was on the other end of the battlefield, so he couldn’t ride on his charmed day to end the head of the Greek army once and for all. The fighting was fierce, but the army was being held to a stop by Nestor and Idomeneus with the help of the doctor Machaon. They probably would have been able to hold all day if Paris hadn’t taken a pot shot at the doctor and driven a barbed arrow into his shoulder. Idomeneus sees Machaon stumble back in a shower of his own blood, and he hands him off to Nestor to take back behind the lines on his chariot. A doctor is just too valuable to lose.
Someone finally points out Ajax, Menelaus, and Odysseus to Hector, who debates taking the fight to them, given Zeus’ promise of safety, but he doesn’t want to press his luck by taking on a better fighter than he is, and Ajax is a beast, stronger than any of the other Greeks. Zeus, however, has other ideas, and suddenly steals away Ajax’s courage. He tried to stay and fight, knowing it was what he should be doing, but the magical fear was just too much for him, and he turned and fled. He beats a fighting retreat and manages to make the safety of the ships unscathed, although dozens of spears stand out from his mighty shield, hurled at him as he retreated.
Meanwhile, Nestor manages to get to safety with Machaon, riding past Achilles’ tent. He calls inside for his friend Patroclus and sends him to ask Nestor who he’s carrying back from the battle. Patroclus runs off, glad to have something to do. He finds Nestor and one of his slaves tending to the fallen doctor. “Hey, doc. I’m not staying, I just wanted to check who it was that was wounded. Achilles was curious.” “Why should Achilles care how many of us are wounded? He’s abandoned us at a time when Diomed, Odysseus, Agamemnon, Eurypylus, and Machaon are all injured and out of the fighting. Hell, I’m just old and too tired to keep going any more. We’re fucked, honestly, and he’ll regret sitting by and letting us get cut to ribbons like this.”
Patroclus was moved by Nestor’s words, and ran back along the ships to Achilles, but only made it as far as Odysseus’ ship before he meets Eurypylus limping out of the fight with an arrow above the knee (much like the guards from Skyrim). “Holy shit, man, is it going as badly out there as it looks? Will we be able to stop Hector?” “Honestly? We’re doomed. We’re all going to die here with our backs to our ships. Enough of that, though. I need your help. You learned herbs from Achilles, who learned from that one good centaur Chiron, and I’m badly in need of someone to cut this arrow out of my leg.”
While Patroclus tends to the injured Eurypylus, the war is going ever more poorly for the Greeks. The wall, which was never blessed by the gods, was holding, but it couldn’t hold forever. Hector is trying to encourage his troops to charge over the trench and breach the wall, but the horses are terrified in the face of the withering rain of spears and arrows from behind it. After several failed attempts, Polydamas goes to Hector and begs him to stop. “This is madness, my prince! The horses are just not able to get across that spike-strewn pit and then get over the walls. What we need to do is attack on foot. If Zeus is really on our side, that’s the way to breach that goddamned wall.”
Hector realized that this was a fine idea and orders it done. They form up into five companies. Hector leads one, and surprisingly, Paris leads another. The other three are led by heroes we haven’t met before, but are definitely all really important. They clustered together in tight formation, with overlapping shields like in that scene from 300. One vainglorious asshole decides that he’s too good to be on foot. He gets almost immediately mowed down by Idomeneus, and the rest of the Trojans realize that teamwork is the way to go. They storm the gates, and the fighting gets even more intense.
As the fighting continues to get heavier, the Trojan soldier Polydamus sees a massive eagle soaring over the army with a huge, blood-soaked snake in its talons. The snake is still alive and in pain, writhing and struggling to get free. It manages to coil around the bird’s legs and strike the unsuspecting eagle in the breast and neck, causing the bird to shriek in pain and drop the snake into the middle of the Trojan host. Polydamus interprets this as a sign from Zeus that they should not try to break the gates today. If they do, they will succeed, but at great cost to themselves. Hector doesn’t want to hear this doom and gloom shit. Today’s fighting has gone super well, and he isn’t ready to quit. “I hear you, Polydamus, but Zeus promised me I would drive the Greeks to their ships. Now is the time. Either fight with me now, or I’ll kill you myself.”
The two Ajaxes see the Trojans preparing to attack and try to rouse the defense, but it’s too late. Zeus sends strength to his son Sarpedon, along with Glaucus, to charge a weaker section of the wall guarded by Menestheus. He tried to call for the two Ajaxes or for Teucer, but all three were too busy trying to organize defenses of other parts of the wall to hear him. He manages to get a messenger off to summon Ajax the Greater and his brother Teucer, the famed bowman. They hurry for the embattled part of the wall. Teucer manages to put an arrow into Glaucus’ shoulder as he crests the wall, but the Trojans hold on. It’s a deadly stalemate: the Greeks can’t drive the Trojans away from the wall, but the Trojans can’t manage to rout the Greeks and break through. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Hector races into the fray carrying a rock big enough that it would take two lesser men to lift it. With a grunt of effort, he hurls it at the gates, smashing them open. It’s done. The Trojans have broken through the walls and are attacking the Greek ships.
That’s one hell of a cliffhanger, so that means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s god slash monster is the Titan Typhon, the literal daddy of all monsters.
This segment is known as gods and monsters because a large part of the various pantheons fall into one or the other (or else heroes, but that’s a whole other ballgame). Typhon is one of the few (like Tiamat from Episode 25) who straddles the line. Typhon is a monstrous god, and was truly a terror, often considered to be the most powerful and fearsome entity in the Greek pantheon.
To begin with, he was a giant, so tall that his head brushed the stars when he walked. His torso was human, but instead of legs, he had coils of monstrous vipers that would writhe, hiss, and strike as he moved. His head consisted of 100 snake heads (or sometimes various animal heads), which uttered every kind of unspeakable sound you can imagine. Eyes like glowing coals burned from the twisted mass, capable of unleashing fire when he glared. Hesiod has him as terrible, outrageous, and lawless, and Apollodorus says that one hand reached out all the way to the east, and the other to the west, each sprouting a hundred dragons’ heads. Massive wings sprouted from his body, and unkempt hair streamed in the wind. His snake heads were also capable, according to Nonnus, of spitting poison, as well as having hundreds of arms and the heads of countless different animals. Basically, Typhon was a Lovecraftian horror before it was cool.
He was mated to Echidna, mother of all monsters, a horrifying half-woman, half-snake with whom he had living nightmares, who would become infamous even now. There was the Sphinx, who would murder anyone unable to solve her riddles; the Nemean lion, who fought Hercules; Cerberus, guardian of Hell (aka Spot, since that’s more or less what his name actually means); the Lernean hydra, who also fought Hercules; the chimera, a fire-breathing part lion, part goat, and part snake; the Caucasian Eagle, which ate Prometheus’ liver every day; Ladon, the golden dragon who guards Hera’s golden apples; the Crommyonian Sow, who fought Theseus; the Gorgons (with Medusa being by far the most famous); the Colchian Dragon, which guarded the golden fleece; the harpies, half-woman half-bird monsters; mighty Scylla, the sea monster; and the sea serpents you and Laocoon will meet later in this epic. It’s an impressive laundry list, but Typhon is somehow more fearsome than all of them.
As powerful as he was, it should come as no surprise that he challenged Zeus for control of the cosmos. Given that he’s a lot less famous, you can probably guess how it turned out. He rises up, and nearly succeeds in taking over to reign over mortals and gods alike, but Zeus fights back. There are many versions of the battle, most of which have Zeus smiting Typhon with his thunderbolts and driving the monstrous god to try and run or hide, but to no avail, but Nonnus’ Dionysiaca has by far the most interesting version. This story starts, as so many Greek myths do, with Zeus not being able to keep his dick in his pants. He hides his thunderbolts in a cave while he goes to seduce Plouto, who will go on to give birth to Tantalus (who we’ll probably cover in a different Gods and Monsters segment). Thunderbolts are many things, but subtle they are not. They soon begin to smoulder and smoke, and Typhon, guided by the Titan Gaia, finds Zeus’s weapons and hides them in a different cave, learning absolutely nothing by how easy they were to locate the first time.
He begins to rain destruction on the heavens with his dragon hands, then turns his attention to the seas. He’s having so much fun that he decides to retrieve the thunderbolts and try them out. It…doesn’t go well. They aren’t as easy as point and click, and he fucks it up pretty bad so that they do a lot less destruction than his dragon hands (which are pretty sweet, let’s be honest).
Now somehow, during all of his havoc-wreaking, Typhon manages to detach and hide Zeus’ sinews, rendering him basically useless in a fight. He still has his cleverness, and he comes up with a plan with the help of Cadmus, first king of Thebes, and Pan, god of shepherds and the wild. Pan disguises Cadmus as a shepherd and gives him his pipes (still known today as the Pan pipe). He plays beautifully, and as we know, music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. Typhon is enchanted and gives his thunderbolts to Gaia for safe keeping while he hunts down the source of this incredible music. Being a giant with hundreds of heads, it doesn’t take him long to find Cadmus and challenge him to a contest, offering him any goddess he likes as a wife (except Hera, because Typhon wants to marry her).
“You like my little tunes, huh? This is nothing. You should hear me play the lyre instead. I mean, you would if I had strings capable of standing up to the force of my playing, like, oh just spitballing here, the sinews of a god.” “Well that’s coincidental. I just so happen to have Zeus’ sinews. If I get them for you, will you play for me?” “Sure man. Get me those sinews, and I’ll definitely do that.” Typhon retrieves the sinews, and Cadmus pretends to string his lyre but instead hides them safely away. Pulling out his already strung lyre, Cadmus begins to play even more beautifully for the monster, who is enraptured. While he’s distracted, Pan reattaches Zeus’ sinews so that the deposed king of the gods can retrieve his thunderbolts from Gaia.
Cadmus, at a signal, finishes his playing. Typhon applauds and goes to retrieve his thunderbolts. They’re gone! Dun dun dun! Typhon, furious, shows that his previous reign of terror was nothing. Millions of animals are devoured, each by the corresponding animal head sprouting from his body, rivers are turned to dust, seas are turned to dry land, and the earth is laid to waste.
Typhon finally wears himself out as night falls. Zeus waits for the morning to launch his attack. As the sun rises, Typhon figures out that Zeus must have tricked him somehow and roars out a challenge. Zeus leaps out of hiding, and the battle is joined. Typhon piles up mountains to hide behind and showers volleys of trees and rocks at Zeus with his innumerable arms, but all of them are dodged, destroyed, or hurled back, followed by thunderbolts. Typhon hurls gouts of water to try to quench the burning lightning. It doesn’t work, and many of Typhon’s arms are burned off or sliced off with frozen blasts of air. Zeus summons the four winds, and hurls countless jagged hailstones to batter and freeze the monstrous Titan. Gaia tries to save her burnt and frozen son, but it’s just not enough, and Typhon falls. Zeus taunts the fallen monster, telling him that he will be buried under the hills of Sicily in what would become the volcanic island of Ischia, and his occasional attempts to escape cause the volcano to erupt. So if you’re ever in Sicily, say hi to Typhon because without him, we wouldn’t have some of my favorite stories.
That’s it for this episode of Myth Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, the downward spiral of the Greek army will accelerate, as Zeus just keeps on keeping on with being a totally biased judge. You’ll see that Hera was a sexy spy before it was cool, that Zeus really can’t read a room, and that hero worship can get you killed. Then, in Gods and Monsters, it’s one of the most over-powered monsters of all time. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.