Episode 26G – Turning the Tide – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 26G Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, the battle rages on, this time without divine influence, and it doesn’t go well. You’ll learn that maybe the Martha scene in Batman v. Superman wasn’t as stupid as you thought, that Hector’s a pretty good man, and that the ancient gods were particular about building permits. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a man who could give Anansi the spider a run for his money. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 26G, “Turning the Tide”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, Paris former herdsmen and lost prince of Troy, had kidnapped Helen of Sparta, wife of King Menelaus, because a god promised her to him as a bribe. The Spartan king had summoned everyone he could to go get her back, over 1000 ships worth of soldiers, and set sail for Troy. They spent eight years of misadventures trying to get to the distant city before finally killing the right people to appease the right gods to find their way. There, they have spent another nine years besieging the city of Troy, with neither side really getting any decisive victories. After more inconclusive fighting, Agamemnon pisses off one of his most important allies by being petty, and Achilles goes to his tent to sulk, refusing to fight anymore. The Trojans had fought back fiercely, resulting in Menelaus of Sparta being willing to accept a challenge to single combat with Prince Paris of Troy to decide the whole damned war. After a lot of build up, Paris gets his ass kicked and is saved from certain death by the timely intervention of Aphrodite, who carries him away from the fight, leaving the battle to drag on.
After several gods had been wounded by mortals (see last episode), Zeus ordered all of the Olympians from the field, leaving the humans to fight unaided. The Greeks initially do quite well, with Ajax, Agamemnon, and several others slaying several named but unimportant characters. Menelaus is about to kill a Trojan named Adrestus, when the latter man drops to his knees and begs for quarter. Menelaus relents, and takes the man captive to ransom later. His brother, Agamemnon, sees this. “Dude, what the fuck? We don’t have time for this bullshit. There’s a huge war going on, not a tiny raid and besides, don’t you want all of them dead anyway? Get your head out of your ass and fight!”
Menelaus realized that yes, he did really hate the Trojans and taking them prisoner was treating them like civilized people, so he took his prisoner and stabbed him in the chest, begging the question of who is really the barbarian here. Emboldened by Menelaus’ savagery, the Greeks rally and drive the Trojans back towards the walls of the city. Hector’s brother Helenus, a wise seer, sees what is happening and calls Hector over to him. “Hector, have Aeneas rally the troops while you go into the city to find our mother the queen. Tell her to gather the matrons of the city and to bring her best robe, and go to the Temple of Athena. Lay the robe on the statue of Athena’s lap and have her promise to sacrifice twelve young, fat cows to the goddess if she will take pity on the town. We underestimated Menelaus. He’s a terror, more dangerous than even their greatest champion, Achilles. Go, brother!” Hector rushes into the city to do as he was asked.
Meanwhile, on the battlefield, the Greek Diomedes meets the Trojan Glaucus, and the battlefield clears around them to allow for single combat. Diomedes looks his opponent up and down. “Who exactly are you, good sir? I’ve never seen you in combat before, which seems strange given that we’ve been fighting for almost a decade now. Who’re your parents? You’re not a god are you? I’m not stupid enough to try and fight a god.”
This…wasn’t what Glaucus was expecting. “Why do you want to know who my dad is? That’s weird, but I guess I’ll tell you because we clearly have all the time in the world here in the middle of a war.” He grounds his spear and launches into a very long story about the Greek hero Bellerophon, who is way too cool to cover as a side note in this episode, but we’ll cover his story another time, I promise. The story finally winds down. “Now you know my whole, impressive lineage.”
Diomedes grounds his own spear. “But that means you’re an old friend of my family! Oeneus, my ancestor, once entertained Bellerophon for twenty days, even exchanging presents with him. Oeneus gave a rich, purple belt (purple dye being incredibly expensive at the time), and received a double cup, which I still have at home. If you ever come to Argos, you should come visit!” “Did we just become best friends?” “Yup!”
They sprang from their chariots and rushed together for a manly hug. They promised each other friendship and gave each other gifts. Glaucus made a boneheaded move and exchanged his golden armor, worth 100 cows, for the other man’s bronze set, worth only nine.
During that whole aside, Hector reaches the city gates and rushes inside and tells everyone he sees to start praying to the gods immediately. He runs to the palace to find his mother. “My son, why have you left the fighting? Are the Greeks pressing you so hard that you thought it best to come beg Zeus for help? Let me get you some wine. It’s good for you.” Mothers throughout history have always showed love through food.
“Mom, not now. I can’t afford to get drunk right now, and I can’t offer it to Zeus with bloody, dirty hands.” He relayed Helenus’ plan and tells her to get on with it while he goes to find Paris and get his cowardly ass onto the battlefield. “I really wish the earth would swallow that asshole up and finish this whole mess. If I could just see him dragged to hell, I think I could be happy again.”
The queen did as she was asked, and all of the city’s women prayed to Athena, but she was backing the Greeks to the hilt, and she didn’t listen to their prayers. Hector, meanwhile, found Paris hiding out in his house with Helen. “Are you fucking serious, bro? People are out there right now dying because of the two of you, and you have the gall to hide out here where it’s safe? Get out there, or I guarantee that the whole city will soon be burning down around us!”
“Hector, you’re right, but I’m not here to hide, but to grieve (for what, it’s not really clear). Helen was telling me to get back out there before you came in, and she already convinced me. You don’t need to do a whole speech. Just…let me get my armor on first, okay? I’ll catch up to you.” Hector was too busy restraining the impulse to strangle his brother to answer, so Helen tried to calm him down. “Hector, I really am sorry that all of this is happening because of me. If I could make it so that a tornado had sucked me up on the day I was born and splattered me on the side of a mountain or drowned me in the sea, I would. I can’t, and all of this is really the gods’ fault anyway, so I’m just trying to be the best wife I can to a less than awesome guy. You’re right that Paris is a slacker and a coward, and I’m sure he’ll get what’s coming to him before long, but I do wish you weren’t bearing the brunt of our sins. Will you sit with us?”
“No, Helen, I won’t. That was a nice speech, but I can’t stay. I need to help my people, and so does your spineless husband. Make sure he actually comes and finds me before I leave the city. I’m stopping by my home to see my wife and little son, since I don’t know if this will be the day one of those bastards finally sticks a spear in me.”
His wife, Andromache was on the walls watching the soldiers with her son in her arms. He sees a lone housekeeper. “Hey, where’s my wife? Is she with the other women at the Temple of Athena?” “No, sir, she’s not trying to placate that bitch of a goddess, she’s on the city walls because she heard that the Trojans were being hard pressed by the Greeks.”
Hector headed for the walls immediately, intending to climb up, but his wife had seen him coming and rushed out, weeping, to throw her arms around him. After she disentangled, Hector stood silently, beaming at his son Scamandrius, who the people called Astyanax (which means ‘high king’). “My husband, your valor will be your doom. Think of your son; think of me! If you keep this fighting up much longer, I’ll be a grieving widow with a fatherless son. If you die, I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have anyone left, and you know it. Achilles slew my father when he sacked Thebes, then burned his body and buried his ashes in a grove near his home. Then, Achilles went and slew all seven of my brothers as they were guarding their sheep and cattle. My mother, he raped and dragged back to the war camp with him as a slave. I scraped together the absurd amount of money he demanded for her return, but she still died just the same when Artemis shot her down. Please, my love, you’re my only family left! Stay here with me, safe on the wall, and have the army muster near the fig trees where the wall is easiest to scale. Three times now the Greeks, led by the two Ajaxes, Idomeneus, Agamemnon, Menelaus, and Diomedes have attacked there either by chance or because a seer told them this was the best place.”
“My dear wife, you think I haven’t thought about all of this? I couldn’t stand to hurt you like that, but how am I supposed to look my men in the eye if I turn coward and flee from battle? If I, as prince of the city, won’t risk everything in its defense, how can I expect them to? I don’t see any way out except to fight as well as I can and try to stay alive. I know that the day might be coming when proud Troy falls, when my mother and father are slain, when the corpses of my friends and brothers lay strewn through the streets, but I don’t grieve for any of them the way I do you. If we lose here, you will be taken slave and have to work the loom in a strange home far away, weeping. The only comfort I can hope for is that I’m dead and buried before I have to listen to your sobs and screams as they drag you away into slavery.”
He reached out to hold his son, but the boy was terrified of Hector’s blood-stained armor and vicious-looking helmet and he screamed, clinging to his nurse. Hector and his wife laughed at his antics, and Hector took off his helmet to kiss his son and hold him for just a moment. He prayed to Zeus that his son might be a leader of the Trojans one day, and a better man than he. Then he handed the boy back to his wife, who was trying to smile through her tears. “Try not to worry, my love. No man will drag me to Hades before my time, but if the fates decree that my time is up, no one can stop it. Go home and try to stay busy. If I die out there, I don’t want that to be your last memory of me. I want this to be.” He kissed her tenderly, then put his helmet back on and walked off.
His wife watched until he was out of sight, and then she rushed home, weeping bitterly and often looking back the way he had gone. At home, she found her servants within, who all loved Hector as a good man and a good ruler, and asked them to join her in mourning the husband who yet lived but might soon be dead. She had a feeling she wouldn’t be with him much longer, and it terrified her.
Paris, meanwhile, left his house not long after Hector had. He donned his armor and hurried through the city as fast as his feet would carry him. He laughed aloud as he ran, delighted in the feel of freedom. He caught up to Hector as he was headed towards the gates to return to the war. “Sorry, bro. DId I keep you waiting?” “No, good brother. I was just heading out. You fight bravely, you know, and no one can deny your doings in battle, but you are careless. It hurts my heart to hear the men talk about you the way they do, when they have suffered so much on your behalf. Come on. Let’s go kick some Greek ass.”
They return to the fight and, indeed, kick some Greek ass, The Trojan heroes, Paris included, begin to slaughter Greeks. Athena sees this and dashes down to Troy from Olympus to find Apollo there as well, rooting for the other team. “Why are you here, sister? To try and help the Greeks cheat again? Do you not have any pity for the Trojans at all? How about this: end the fighting for today, but let them pick it back up tomorrow and thereafter until they finally destroy this beautiful city since you bitches seem to be fucking hell-bent on destroying it.”
“That’s actually more or less what I had in mind when I came down here, brother. Any suggestions on how to make that happen?” “Actually, yes. Let’s get Hector to challenge one of the Greeks in single combat. I know we already did that with Menelaus and Paris, but it was a cool fight and I think it will be even cooler with someone as badass as Hector involved. Even though the Trojans kind of cheated last time (not on purpose, but still), surely the Greeks will have too much honor to turn down such a challenge.”
Athena agreed, and sent a vision to Hector’s brother, Helenus the seer. He went to fnd Hector. “Hey, brother! The gods have sent a vision. Tell the armies to lay down their weapons and take their seats, and you challenge the best man among them to single combat. The gods have spoken, and told me that your hour of doom is not yet come, so this is definitely in the bag for you. Plus, it will give everyone time to rest and recover, which we desperately need after the beating we’ve had today.”
Hector, being a genuinely good prince, agreed immediately and drove to the front lines. He used his spear to pull his people back from the fighting, yelling out in his booming voice for a momentary cease fire. Agamemnon heard him, and called out for his men to pause as well, to listen. He didn’t trust Paris as far as he could throw him, but Hector had proved to be a worthy and honorable foe, so he was willing to hear him out. Both armies sat down, watched from afar by Apollo and Athena, who were disguised as vultures sitting in a nearby oak tree.
“LIsten to me, everyone. Zeus has made a mockery of our oaths and promises, and foreshadows doom for both of us until either you conquer my city, or we drive you back to your ships. I know that your princes are here among you. I want to fight your best man in single combat, to the death. Not in some grand showdown for all the marbles, just a challenge of strength. If you win, I give you permission to strip my corpse of my very, very expensive armor as a trophy and ask only that you return my body to the city so that my wife can burn it with honor and find some small comfort. If I win, I will strip his body of his probably nice but not as nice armor to hang in the Temple of Apollo as a sacrifice, but I will likewise return his body to the Greek ships. You can build a monument there on the shores of the water so that, thereafter, everyone who comes by will see it and remember this day.”
Silence. No one wanted to be the one to accept the challenge, since Hector was a deadly fighter, but everyone was too ashamed to refuse to accept his challenge at all. Somebody would have to fight him, but everyone was silently saying “Not it.” Watching in disgust, Menelaus stands. “You cowardly douchebags! Are you all seriously going to sit here like little girls, shaking in your skirts? The man has offered an honorable challenge. May the gods strike each and every one of you dead, you bastards. I’ll fight him myself.”
Everyone knew that Menelaus had just signed his own death warrant, and probably lost the war. Hector was the better fighter, hands down. Very few in the Greek camps could match him and Menelaus, dangerous though he was, wasn’t one of them. If he died, the war wouldn’t continue for long without him. He was the offended party here, after all, and the one the captains had sworn the oath of Tyndareus to, so they wouldn’t feel obligated to stay much longer if he died. It probably would have been all over if Agamemnon hadn’t grabbed his brother’s shoulder. “Dude, what are you doing? This is insane! Hector will murder you. You know you don’t have a chance. Don’t make that face, brother, you know I’m right. We can’t afford to lose you this way. Sit down, and I’ll find someone else to fight him.” Menelaus reluctantly agreed to his brother’s wisdom and stripped off his armor.
Old Nestor stood to cajole the Greeks into fighting. He told a story from his youth about being the one to fight a giant of a man in single combat, and the glory he won from it. He called them cowards, and wished aloud that he was still young enough to be the one to accept the challenge and save the Greeks from this shame. Chastised, nine men stood up: Agamemnon, Diomed, Ajax, Other Ajax, Idomeneus, Meriones, Eurypylus, Thoas, and Odysseus. Unsurprisingly, most of these names have showed up before since they are the greatest of the Greek heroes. Nestor put their names in his helmet and drew one out. It was Ajax the Great. “I am glad that I am chosen. I will vanquish this proud Hector and you will all see that we can beat these assholes!”
Ajax armed and armored himself. Beating his shield in challenge, the huge man strode to the front lines like a vision of Ares himself. All of the Trojans were glad that they weren’t about to have to fight this giant except, of course, Hector, who was. His heart sped up a little in fear, but he was too brave and honorable to back out of the challenge now, so he too went to the front lines to fight. The two met at the center. “So, Hector, you thought you were safe because Achilles sulks in his tents still? You’re about to learn that we have a lot more champions than just Achilles.” “Ajax, I’m not some beardless boy who’s never held a spear. I’ve been fighting in bloody battles for years, and I’m going to kill you.”
As he finished speaking, he hurled his spear at Ajax, who got his shield in the way. The deadly tip pierced through the bronze and six layers of leather, but stuck in the seventh and final layer. Ajax then returned fire. Hector was lightning quick, and got his shield in place, but Ajax was so mighty that the spear went clean through it. If he hadn’t twisted aside behind his shield, the weapon would have driven straight through his armor and ended the fight then and there. Each man drew his second spear and leapt together in a crash of rolling thunder.
Hector thrust hard at Ajax, who again interposed his shield and turned the spear aside. Ajax leapt at Hector, and again drove his spear clean through Hector’s shield as he was springing towards Ajax for his own strike. The spear caught him in the neck, but he turned aside at the last possible moment. Even so, blood gushed from the wound in a bright spray, but Hector kept fighting. He gave ground slowly, and grabbed a large stone from the ground, hurling it at Ajax. It rang like a gong on Ajax’s shield, but he kept coming. Ajax grabbed his own, larger stone and threw it back. A rock as big as a millstone crashed into him, knocking him down onto his back and crushing him to the ground. Apollo, cheating a little himself, helped Hector to his feet. Both men prepared to leap at one another again, but Talthybius and Idaeus, one a herald from the Greeks and the other a herald from the Trojans, got between them and held them apart. “Night is falling, guys. You are both valiant, but let’s press pause until tomorrow. There’s no need to fight in the darkness.”
Ajax thought that sounded fine, but on one condition. “Idaeus, I’m game, but you need to get Hector to be the one to announce it since he issued the challenge. I don’t want to look like I’m scared.” Hector had no issue with that, and called the fighting off for the night. They’d start fresh in the morning. In a show of good faith and sportsmanship, the two men exchanged gifts as a sign that both men had fought well and honorably. Hector gave Ajax a silver-studded sword and Ajax in return gave Hector a purple girdle, or leather kilt the ancients wore as armor. Both were princely gifts, and they parted in friendship (or as close to it as you can come to two men who have essentially just said ‘Good night. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning’).
The Greeks hold a feast that night in honor of Ajax’s bravery. During the celebration, Nestor stands up to speak as he often does. “We should make use of this break in the fighting. A lot of our friends are lying in the dust out there, and if there’s no war going on, we have time to bring them back to the ship and burn them with the honor they deserve. We should also build a wall around the ships with a trench in front of it to help hold off soldiers and horses.” The other princes thought this was a fine idea, and cheered him.
Things were less pleasant in Troy that night. The king held a council, and it was full of angry shouting. Antenor was trying to bring reason to the city as usual. “Guys, it’s been nine years. So many of our brothers are dead, and more are going to keep dying. Hell, our prince could die tomorrow. Helen’s not worth it. We should just give her back and end the war the way we should have back on day one.”
Paris jumped to his feet. “Go fuck yourself, coward. I’m not sure if you’re just an idiot and garbled the phrase ‘We support you completely, my prince’, but if you actually believe that bullshit you just said, then the gods have clearly robbed you of your wits. I’ll say it again, and slowly so you can get it through your thick skull. I’m. Not. Giving. My. Wife. To. The. Greeks. What I am willing to do is to give back all of the wealth I stole from Menelaus when I left, and I’ll even add some of my own wealth to help make things even.”
Priam, after listening to both sides, stood to have the final say. “Idaeus, go to the Greeks in the morning and tell them about Paris’ offer. Also, ask if they will give us a cease fire long enough to burn our dead.” In the morning, he did so, but he added his own little commentary, saying “Paris is offering to give back all of the treasure he took, (and I wish he had died there in your house rather than coming back and ruining our lives) and he’ll add more from his own treasure, but he won’t give back Helen, even though we all want him to,” There was silence after the offer, and then Diomed cried out “Fuck that. Even if they were willing to give back Helen, we should just keep fighting. They’re clearly about to lose.”
Agamemnon quirked an eyebrow, The Rock style. “You heard the man. That’s our answer. We’re fine with the cease fire to take care of the dead, though. That’s just polite.” Thus decided, both armies go out to take care of their dead. The gods on high watch all of this unfold, including the wall the Greeks are building around their ships. Poseidon is worried. “Zeus, this cannot stand. They’ve built a wall without any offerings to us. If that wall works, it’s fame will travel around the world and men will start to think they don’t need our blessing, and they won’t be impressed with the wall that Apollo and I built around Troy. That stings.”
“Really brother? Really. If you were some minor, two bit god that might be a valid concern, but you’re a major deity. You’re the god of earthquakes, for my sake. Once this whole thing is done, and they go home, just shake the earth until the wall falls down and gets buried in the sand. Don’t be such a crybaby, dude.”
The next day, Zeus called the gods together again. “Okay, folks, listen up. Fighting is about to start again, and I want a fair one for once. None of you are to interfere. If I see one of you skulking around down there, helping either side, I will throw your ass down into Tartarus with the Titans so fast it’ll make your head spin. I can take all of you, one at a time or all together. Try me, I dare you.” This wasn’t just trash talking, and all of the gods and goddesses there knew it was the truth, so they shut the hell up.
Athena finally broke the awkward silence. “We’ll stay out of the actual fighting, Father, but we feel bad for the Greek warriors dying there on the beach so far from home. Is it cool if we still give them advice, so that they don’t all die without seeing home again?” Zeus smiled at his favorite daughter. “Of course, my child. I’m not a total monster. Advise away.” Confident that he would be heeded, Zeus hooked up his horses to his chariot and rode to the top of Mount Ida to watch the day’s slaughter.
You might expect that Hector and Ajax would fight again, but instead they went back to full scale war. The morning went well for the Greeks, but as noon approached, Zeus took his golden scales, balancing death for the Trojans on one side and death for the Greeks on the other, and he drove the Greek side to the ground, turning the tide of the battle against them. One by one, the Greek heroes fell back, except for Nestor. Not because he was braver, mind you, but because one of his horses had been killed by an arrow from Paris, so he was stuck. He sawed desperately at the traces, trying to cut the dying horse loose before he could be overwhelmed. Hector and his troops were bearing down on Nestor, and it would have been curtains for the old man if Diomed hadn’t seen his plight and called Odysseus to help him out. “You’re lucky you’re not getting a spear between your shoulders with your back turned to the enemy like that! Help me defend Nestor.”
Odysseus was nobody’s fool, so he pretended not to hear Diomed and kept right on going to the safety of the walls around the Greek camp. Diomed shrugs and goes to Nestor alone. “Hop on. Your squire can cut the dead horse lose and get your chariot back to our camp. We’ll drive at the Trojans to give them time.” Diomed drove, and Nestor rode shotgun. They flew right at Hector, and Nestor hurled a spear at the Trojan prince. His aim was off, though, and he hit Hector’s charioteer instead. Eniopeus dropped dead, sending the chariot careening wildly and forcing Hector to seize the reins and go look for a new driver, which he soon found.
With Hector out of the fight momentarily, Nestor and Diomed probably would have routed the Trojan forces if Zeus hadn’t hurled a lightning bolt to land meer feet in front of their horses. The explosion terrified the poor horses, and they reared and pawed at the air. Nestor dropped the reigns in fear and turned to Diomed. “Okay, this was fun and all, but we need to get the fuck out of here. Zeus is clearly against us right now. Maybe tomorrow he’ll be in our favor instead, but today he’s got Hector’s back. No one can thwart an angry Zeus.”
“You’re right, Nestor, I know you are, but if I run now, Hector is going to tell everyone I ran away from him, and I don’t want to be called a coward.” “Dude, no one will believe him if he tries. You’ve killed way too many of their best soldiers for anyone to think you’re not brave. Now come on.” Without waiting for an answer, Nestor turned away from the fight. Hector, just now returning, saw them leaving. “Seriously, bitch? You’re no better than a little girl, running away like that. You’re not going to scale my walls or carry off my subjects, because I’m going to kill you myself.”
Diomed wanted to go back and fight, since he couldn’t let someone get away with that shit, but each time he started to turn back, Zeus would let fly with another thunderbolt to remind him that he was in favor of the Trojans today. Hector saw this and smiled. “Trojans, see! Zeus himself is with us. We will destroy the Greeks this day! Charge! We can kill Nestor and take his famous golden shield! We can kill Diomed and take the armor that Hephaestus made for him! The Greeks will turn tail and sail for home if we kill both of them.”
Hera roared with fury, and the heavens shook with her rage. “Neptune, are you really that heartless? Can you find no compassion for the Greeks, who give you so many offerings?” “Fuck off, Hera. You heard Zeus. I’m not about to go to Tartarus for some fucking mortals.”
The Trojans routed the Greeks, and drove them all the way back to their ships. The soldiers and horses crowded behind their wooden wall, besieged by Hector and his army. Hera spoke to Agamemnon’s mind, and had him rally the troops. He took a great purple cloak and climbed onto Odysseus’ ship at the center of the fleet. “Where are your brave words now, you fucking cowards? You boasted of the things you would do when we got here, and now you cower from the enemy? You said you were each worth 200 of their soldiers, and now you’re not even worth one? Fuck you guys! And you, Zeus! Haven’t I given you a rich sacrifice every time I passed your altar? Is this how you treat a devout king? You owe me, Zeus. At least let us get out of this alive.” Zeus heard him, and decided that he made a fair point. He sent his sacred bird, an eagle, to the Greek camp with a fawn clutched in its talons. The eagle dropped the corpse onto Zeus’ altar as a sign that he had heard their prayer. Emboldened, the Greeks fought back harder.
The walls held, and the Trojans weren’t able to drive over the walls and slaughter them all. Instead, the Greeks leapt from behind the walls and took the fight to them. Diomed was the first into the fray, followed soon by all the Greek heroes. The fighting was fierce and bloody, and the trench soon ran red with blood. Most deadly of all was Teucer, a bowman who teamed up with his brother Ajax. He would hide behind Ajax’s shield while the spears flew, then he would pop out and pour arrows into the Trojans, dropping someone with every shot. The only target he couldn’t seem to hit was Hector. Every shot seemed to just miss the man (thanks to Apollo), killing someone near him instead.
Arrow after arrow he shot at Hector, and each missed, but his last killed Hector’s charioteer. Hector grabbed another and decided to end this arrow-slinging shithead once and for all. He waited for Teucer to pop out again to shoot. As soon as the man appeared, Hector hurled a jagged stone. It hit Teucer in the neck just as he was drawing his bow, breaking his collarbone and dropping him. Ajax saw his brother fall, and rushed to cover him with his shield until he could be pulled to safety, groaning in pain.
Zeus again urged on the Trojans, and again they drove the Greeks back to the walls. Hector harried them as they fled, killing any stragglers, then paced before the walls hungry for more slaughter. Hera sat watching with Athena, and both were horrified at watching their favorite team losing so badly. “Athena, we need to do something. Hector is tearing them apart!” “I know, Hera, but what am I supposed to do? Dad was very clear. He’s completely forgotten how many times I’ve helped him out because Thetis went to him, weeping, and practically sucked his dick. Next time he asks me for help, I’m going to tell him to go fuck himself. You know what? Fuck it. Let’s armor up and go see how Hector likes meeting us on the field of battle.”
Zeus, still on Mount Ida, saw their preparations and was furious. He summoned Iris to send the women a message. “Tell them that if I have to go down there and stop them, it’s going to end very poorly for them. I will lame their horses, shatter their chariots, and blast them to shit with lightning bolts. The wounds won’t heal for ten years after I’m done with them. Tell them that, Iris.”
Iris found them before they left Olympus. “Are you bitches insane? Zeus knows what you’re up to, and he’s not going to let you interfere. I mean, he expects this from you Hera, since you constantly contradict him, but you Athena? You’re supposed to be the goddess of wisdom, but this is fucking stupid.” With that, she left. “Whelp, so much for that, Athena. I’m not about to defy Zeus openly after a direct, personal warning like that. I guess we have to let them live and die at Zeus’ pleasure, much as I hate it.”
They went back inside to find Zeus sitting there waiting for them. “What’s wrong, ladies? Are you exhausted from killing so many of your dear friends the Trojans?” His smile could have curdled milk. Athena and Hera sat quietly, fuming and planning trouble for the Trojans. “If you like, you can watch tomorrow as I lay waste to your precious Greeks. Hector’s not going to stop until they’re either all dead or fled from his shores. Like it or not, I don’t care. That’s what I have decreed, and you can go to Tartarus for all I care. Now go away. You bother me.”
The sun was setting, ending the fighting for the day. Hector made camp outside the walls of the Greek ships, penning the Greeks in and trapping them. Hector stood. “I know I said we would burn their ships before we stopped, but night has come. That’s the only thing saving them. Tomorrow, we end the Greek menace! I want everyone to get a good meal, and then set watchfires all around the walls. I want to be able to see them all night to make sure they don’t try anything sneaky in the darkness. Send a message to the city to have them light fires throughout to make sure no one sneaks in and makes mischief while we’re camped out here.
The Greeks made no speeches. They sat there, huddled in the darkness, looking out as the watchfires started to burn in a dozen, a hundred, a thousand different places. They sat there, looking over their own doom. Dawn would bring a reckoning, and the Greeks feared it would be their own walls torn down, their own corpses that would litter the shore. You can practically cut the tension with a knife, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s hero is Sisyphus.
If you’re a philosophy fan, you might know this name from the famous quote from an essay by Albert Camus: “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” But who was he? Sisyphus was the founder and first king of Ephyra, now known as Corinth. He was the son of Aeolus and was born the heir to the throne of Thessaly in central Greece, but his brother Salmoneus (who hated him and was hated back just as much) took the throne and drove him from his home country. He sought help from the sorceress Medea (we’ll definitely see her again), who gave him magic mushrooms. She sent him to a place that was unoccupied and had him sow the mushrooms in the ground. They sprouted and grew into people, who became the citizens of the new kingdom of Ephyra, with Sisyphus as their king.
He married Merope, the only one of the seven Pleiades (who were the daughters of the Titan Atlas and Pleione) to wed a mortal instead of fucking around with the gods. They had three children: Sinon, Ornytion, and Glaucus (ancestor of the Glaucus from the main story). That Glaucus was a real dick. He was a renowned horseman, but he got his horses to be as fast as they were by feeding them human flesh. This proved to be his undoing since the horses, hungry for the flesh of the living, tore Glaucus to pieces and devoured him after he yelled at them for losing a chariot race. For generations after, the horses on Corinth were skittish and said to be haunted by the ghost of Glaucus.
Back to Sisyphus, though. He was called “the craftiest of men” by Homer, and it showed in his interaction with the notorious thief Autolycus. Everyone knew that the man stole anything that wasn’t nailed down, but no one could ever prove anything because he had an unusual special ability: Autolycus could change the shape and color of anything he stole, and his favorite target was cattle.
Autolycus would graze his herd near that of Sisyphus, and would take a few cattle each time to add to his own herd. SIsyphus tried to confront him, but none of his cows were there because Autolycus had changed them: horned cows lost their horns, brown cows turned white, and so on. Sisyphus kept losing cows, and he was sick of this shit, so he came up with a crafty plan. In secret, he marked the inside of the hooves of his cows with a secret mark. Some sources say it was the phrase “stolen by Autolycus” and others that it was just an SS mark for Sisyphus. Either way, Autolycus didn’t know about the mark and therefore didn’t change it.
When the next day, his herd again shrank while Autolycus’ herd again grew, he confronted Autolycus again. This time, armed with the secret marks, he was able to find the stolen cattle and prove his neighbor a thief at last. Getting him in legal trouble wasn’t enough, though. Sisyphus wanted him to suffer, so he seduced Autolycus’ daughter Anticleia (who would later be the mother of Odysseus because all of these stories are connected). Given that Odysseus is also a renowned trickster, many have suggested that Odysseus’ father was actually Sisyphus rather than Anticleia’s husband Laertes.
Getting in the pants of a rival’s daughter was kind of a thing for Sisyphus. Another time, he consulted the Oracle at Delphi to find out how he could exact revenge on his brother Salmoneus for kicking him out of his birthright. He learned that if he had children by his niece, they would destroy their grandfather. Incest wasn’t enough to stop him from his horrible, horrible plan, so he snuck in to his brother’s home one night and repeatedly raped his niece Tyro. He got her pregnant, but his brother learned of the prophecy and without a second though, killed both of her sons, because he’s just as bad as Sisyphus.
As bad as all of that is, though, none of it is the reason he got a special place in hell. That was because he made the mistake of turning on the gods. It started with Zeus, because of course it does. Asopus, a son of Poseidon and a river god in his own right, was looking for his daughter Aegina, who had vanished without a trace. If you’ve been paying attention, you probably already know where the poor girl is. Sisyphus certainly did. He promised to tell the river god where his daughter was if Asopus would create an eternal spring for Corinth. This was an easy bargain for the river god to make, and he quickly created an endless source of fresh water. “I’m surprised you didn’t figure this out. Who would dare to kidnap the daughter of a god? Zeus has her for his definitely nefarious purposes. It’s even money if he’s raped her yet or not, but you probably ought to hurry either way.”
Asopus realized that this was of course the answer and set off in a rage to confront Zeus and demand his daughter’s return. He stormed the gates of heaven, and was driven back by Zeus’ rain of thunderbolts. It’s not clear if Asopus ever got his daughter back, because the story moves on. Even though all Sisyphus did this time was piss Zeus off, who didn’t appreciate being ratted out, especially by a mortal. To punish Sisyphus for this supposed betrayal, he sent the god of Death, Thanatos (who is distinct from Hades, the Lord of the Dead and the Underworld), to grab Sisyphus and drag him to hell. Sisyphus was clever, though, and the Greeks loved a good trickster, so you know he’s not going down easy. He sees Death coming, and he grabs a pair of handcuffs, then sits in a chair on the porch fiddling with them and cursing.
Death comes up to him. “Sisyphus, it is time. Zeus has decreed that you’re death is here. Come with me.” Sisyphus doesn’t even look up. He keeps fiddling with the cuffs and cursing. “Did you hear me, mortal? What the fuck is so interesting that the approach of Death is overlooked?” Sisyphus looked up, feigning surprise. “Oh, hi Thanatos. I didn’t see you there. I was given these ‘handcuffs’ as a gift, but I just can’t figure out how they work. If I’m going to die, I don’t want to die without figuring this out. Hey, you look pretty smart. Maybe you can help. Here, let me see your hands.” Bemused, Death does so, and Sisyphus quickly slaps the cuffs on him, chaining him to the house. “Sorry, Death, not today.” Then he walked off, whistling.
If you’ve ever seen that episode of Family Guy where Death twists his ankle, you know that no one can die while Death is incapacitated. People around the world were suffering horrifying, gruesome injuries and surviving. The headless, the disemboweled, the disease-torn, all kept wandering the earth in incredible pain and begging for death. Zeus realizes something has gone wrong and sends Ares to Sisyphus’ house to check things out. He finds Death locked up and frees him, allowing people to finally die again. Then, they team up and they go grab Sisyphus. Together, they pulled him down to the palace of Hades.
Sisyphus had been busy while Death was locked up, though, and he already had another plan going. He told his wife that he was probably going to die soon and if he did, Merope was not to bury him, not to give him a funeral feast, not to perform any sacrifices to Hades and Persephone, and not to place a coin under his tongue to pay for his passage across the River Styx. She followed his instructions, meaning that he arrived in Hades as an unburied pauper. Since he has no coin to pay the ferryman Charon to take him across, he should have been abandoned on the far side of the River Styx. He appealed to Persephone, Queen of the Damned, saying that he shouldn’t be allowed here since he hadn’t paid his way across and furthermore, his wife’s complete neglect of all funeral rites set a bad example for widows in the future.
What he needed, he said, was permission to go back to the world of the living for three days to put things in order. He could arrange his own funeral rites, he could punish his wife for neglecting her wifely duties, and he could teach everyone to respect the lords of the dead. She relented, securing a promise that he would return in three days after getting everything done. Naturally, he did no such thing. He’d never had any intention of returning, and he stayed on the earth until he finally died of old age at the time the Fates had originally planned for him.
Shockingly, Hades was still pissed at him when he came back to hell. It’s almost like gods are immortal and can hold grudges literally forever. For his offenses against Zeus and Hades, he was thrown down into Tartarus to be punished forever. He was condemned to roll a massive boulder up to the top of a steep hill. The twist was that everytime he was near the top, the boulder would roll back down the other side, never staying at the top. Since the rock was still at the bottom of the hill, he had to walk back down and start over. Forever.
So why must we imagine Sisyphus happy? Camus argues it it because he has purpose and direction. He had his rock and he knows what he needs to do. He has certainty. As an absurd hero, he can contemplate his torment and his suffering, and he can find peace inside it. He knows himself to be the master of his days. He always knows what his burden is and he knows he can bear it. And therefore, he is happy.
That’s it for this episode of Myth Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, things will go from bad to worse for the Greeks. You’ll see that spying is dangerous business, that war crimes used to be heroic, and that Phoenix has a really tragic backstory. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet the monster responsible for many of our favorite stories. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.