Episode 26F – Duel of the Fates – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 26F Show Notes

Source: Greek Mythology

This week on MYTH, it’s a clash of the titans as Paris fights Menelaus one on one for all the marbles. You’ll learn that Aphrodite is a frigid bitch, that the Iliad is unbelievably brutal, and that trying to rob a corpse in the middle of a battle is a stupid idea. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet twin boys who’ve gotten too big for their britches, literally and figuratively. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 26F, “Duel of the Fates”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we left the story last time, Paris former herdsmen and lost prince of Troy, had kidnapped Helen of Sparta, wife of King Menelaus, because a god promised her to him as a bribe. The Spartan king had summoned everyone he could to go get her back, over 1000 ships worth of soldiers, and set sail for Troy. They spent eight years of misadventures trying to get to the distant city before finally killing the right people to appease the right gods to find their way. There, they have spent another nine years besieging the city of Troy, with neither side really getting any decisive victories. After more inconclusive fighting, Agamemnon pisses off one of his most important allies by being petty, and Achilles goes to his tent to sulk, refusing to fight anymore. The Trojans had fought back fiercely, resulting in Menelaus of Sparta being willing to accept a challenge to single combat with Prince Paris of Troy to decide the whole damned war.
Paris hadn’t exactly wanted to fight as the Trojan champion, but his brother Hector had more or less told him to suck it up, buttercup. This whole thing was his fault, and he could damn well take responsibility for once. Both sides swore blood oaths on sacrifices to Zeus that they would abide by the terms of the duel, and asking him to ensure that the man who was in the right found victory, and the man who was in the wrong found death. Both men girded their loins (literally, in this case) and strode into a clearing between the two armies to duel to the death.
The two men circled each other like wary lions, looking for an opening. As Menelaus took another step, Paris struck like lightning, hoping to catch him off balance. Across the short distance between them, he hurled his spear at his enemy’s stomach. Menelaus was ready, though, and was able to get his shield there in time, deflecting the spear harmlessly. Before Paris could recover from his own throw, Menelaus hurled his weapon in one quick, fluid motion. Paris drew up his shield, but Menelaus was incredibly strong, and the spear ripped through the cured leather, driving towards Paris’ chest. Paris was fast, and managed to twist mostly out of the way, but the spear’s point ripped through his shirt and scored a hot line down his ribs, drawing blood.
Menelaus then drew his sword and charged, aiming a crushing overhead blow at Paris’ helmet. Paris, distracted by being wounded, making this whole “to the death” thing suddenly very, very real, couldn’t dodge in time. Menelaus’ sword sliced through the air and struck Paris with savage force. Onlookers fully expected the sword to bite through the metal and split the young prince’s skull wide open, but instead, the sword shattered into several pieces in his hands.
“What the fuck, Zeus? Of all the gods, you’re the biggest asshole. I was finally going to have my revenge, but instead you break my sword on his helmet without letting me kill him? I earned this, damnit!” Paris was the only man standing still armed, which meant Menelaus was vulnerable, but the man’s head was ringing with the force of the blow, and he stood there, dazed, unable to move. If you’ve ever played Mortal Kombat, he stood there more or less like the characters do right before a fatality. It was time for Menelaus to finish him!
Menelaus, done with his pity party, decides he’s going to kill this son of a bitch with his bare hands if he has to. He rushes his dazed opponent and grabs a double handful of the horsehair plume on Paris’ helmet. He rips brutally, yanking the man off his feet and dragging him back towards the Greek side of the clearing by his helmet. Paris clawed at the helmet strap digging cruelly into his neck, choking him as he was dragged through the dust. The duel was over, and Menelaus was going to literally choke Paris to death. Aphrodite, who had been watching invisibly (and might be responsible for the shattering sword earlier), used her power to split the leather strap holding the helmet in place, freeing Paris.
As the helmet came free in his hands, Menelaus threw it into the crowd and dashed to one of the fallen spears, intending to run Paris through and end this. Before he can turn with the spear though, Aphrodite swept down in a cloud of darkness and carried Paris away to the safety of his own bedroom. Crisis averted, Aphrodite went to find Helen.
Aphrodite found her in a high tower inside the city, surrounded by many of the women of Troy. She disguised herself as an old servant woman from when she was still in Sparta who Helen had always been fond of. She tugged on Helen’s robe to get her attention. “Come with me, child. Paris says you need to go to the house. He’s there, sitting on his own bed, dressed in fancy clothes that make him look super handsome. You’d think he was going to a dance rather than coming back from fighting!”
Helen looked at the old woman, who looked just a little too young and perfect to be a real woman (and besides, what would that old servant be doing here, in Troy?). She guessed correctly that it was the goddess. “Seriously, Aphrodite? Are you going to send me to an even more distant country with some new guy from Phrygia or Meonia? I was watching the duel, and Menelaus clearly won, so that means I’m taking my regretful self back home with him. I’m not stupid. You’re still trying to betray me. Go and sit with Paris yourself, if you care so much. Be a goddess no longer and instead wait hand and foot on that loser until he makes you his wife or, better yet, his slave. Me? I’m going home, bitch.”
Aphrodite wasn’t exactly used to mortals calling her out like that, especially when they were totally right. “Do not provoke me, whore. If you do, I will leave you to your fate and spend all my time fucking up your world. I will turn the anger of the Trojans and the Greeks to outright hate, and they will slaughter each other until no one is left unraped or unmurdered. Hear me, bitch?” Helen knew that she was willing and able to carry out that threat, and it justifiably scared the shit out of her. She wrapped her shawl around her slowly, and followed after the goddess with a heavy heart.
They walked thusly into Paris’ room, and the goddess sat a chair directly in front of him for Helen, smiling like a self-satisfied cat. Helen took a seat, gathered up all of her nerve, and proceeded to give Paris the tongue-lashing he deserved rather than the one he wanted. “So you’ve run away after losing a fight to the death, huh? I really wish that the brave man who used to be my husband had split your cowardly skull open out there. You used to brag that you were a better fighter, with spears or with bare fists, than Menelaus, but that was obviously bullshit. Oh, you look upset. It’s true, isn’t it? If you really think you’re better, go challenge him again! No? I thought not. We both know he’d skewer you if you tried again.”
“Helen, honey, shut the fuck up. Menelaus only won because he had Athena’s help. That’s cheating (never mind the fact that I had Aphrodite’s help, which more or less evened the playing field). If we meet again, I’ll beat him because I have better god friends than he does. Now that I’ve condescendingly explained why you’re wrong about your objectively accurate opinion, let’s have sex. Almost dying makes me horny.”
Helen didn’t really have much choice in the matter, what with Aphrodite still waiting around to carry out her threats if she didn’t make nice nice, so she reluctantly let her coward of a husband fuck her while she fantasized about Menelaus who, unbeknownst to them, was striding angrily through both armies looking for the missing Paris. In his mind, the duel wasn’t over yet since they had sworn blood oath that one of them would die this day. He might have been forgiven for thinking that the Trojans were trying to hide their prince, but honestly, they hated that asshat almost as much as the Greeks did. If he had been hiding in their midst, they totally would have given him up.
Eventually, everyone was forced to concede that the prince had left the building. Agamemnon stood before the gathered armies to speak for his brother. “I think everyone here agrees that, not only was Menelaus clearly about to win the fight before Paris ran like a scared little baby, he’s the only one still here willing to fight. I proclaim him the winner of the duel. In accordance with the agreement they both made, it is time to give back Helen, along with all of her wealth, and pay a fine that will be agreed upon in the peace negotiations to come.” The Greeks erupted into applause. The war was over. Right?
We’re only in Book 4 of this massive epic, so don’t count on it. While all of this was happening, the gods were sitting around Mt. Olympus, drinking ambrosia and shooting the shit. Zeus, who still thought there were entirely too many heroes alive after nine years of war, starts to needle his wife. “Menelaus has two good friends amongst the goddesses, Hera and Athena, but for some reason, they both just sit on the sidelines and watch like children while Paris’ friends actually help him out. Some friends, huh? I mean, Aphrodite literally just swooped down to save Paris from the killing blow. So what do we do now? Do we let them make peace? If Helen goes back now, Troy remains inhabited with more than corpses.”
Athena and Hera, more than a little pissed at Zeus for giving them shit for trying to be honorable about this whole thing, have a quiet sidebar to plan mischief for Troy. Athena scowled at her father, but said nothing. Hera, on the other hand, was long used to laying into her husband when he was being a dick (which was often), so she didn’t hold back. “Dear husband, what the fuck? Is all of our effort to be for nothing? I have sweat for this, and you know I hate to sweat. You can do what you like, but the rest of us aren’t going to let this be over yet.”
Even though this was more or less what he wanted, Zeus still hated being challenged in public. “That seems harsh, dear wife. I mean, yeah I was just talking about how everyone in in Troy should probably be dead, but what have Priam and his children done to you that you are so hell bent on sacking the city? Will nothing make you happy except that you go personally into the city and murder every last person there? You’re a bad person. Goddess. Whatever. Have it your way, honey. I don’t want to fight about this, so I’ll let you keep sacking Troy, but if I ever want to sack a city full of your friends, you have to let me. Fair’s fair. After all, I never respected any city on earth as much as I did Troy, so this is totally against my will and everyone here sees you twisting my arm on this. Wink wink.”
“You’re not supposed to actually say the wink, dear. My favorite cities are Argos, Sparta, and Mycenae. Feel free to fuck up their shit whenever you want. I won’t defend them, because I won’t care. Even if I did care, I couldn’t stop you, what with you being king of the gods and all that. I’ve put a lot of work into this, though, and I am the queen of the gods, and your sister too. Tell Athena to go and take an active part in the fight right now. Have her make it so that the Trojans break their oath and attack the Greeks.”
Free will is tricky in Greek mythology. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, even when the gods take a direct hand and make things happen. They never force anyone, technically, they mostly just scheme and lie. It’s confusing. Just roll with it.
Athena barely waited for the nod from Zeus before setting out. She dropped to earth as a blazing meteor, which the Greeks traditionally considered an omen from the gods (rightfully in this case). The armies watched it fall and said to one another “That looks important. I’m betting either we will go back to trying to kill each other, or we’re going to have peace. You know, the only two options available.”
Athena took the form of Laodocus, son of Antenor, and went through the Trojan army to find Pandarus (remember him from last episode? He was Troilus’ friend). She found him standing with Trojan soldiers, naturally, and she whispered in his ear. “Will you do as I say, Pandarus? Do you dare to strike a blow that could end this war in victory? If you fire an arrow at Menelaus now, while their defenses are down, you would win glory and thanks from all of Troy, and especially from Prince Paris. He would definitely give you a huge reward for killing his rival for Helen. With Apollo, the famous archer, on your side, how can you miss?”
Pandarus, young and hungry for glory, was persuaded. He took up his bow, and pulled his best arrow, which had never been fired. He had his followers shield him from view so the he wouldn’t get caught, and took careful aim. The bowstring twanged as he fired over the heads of the crowd. The arrow flew true, and would definitely have killed the Spartan king, but Athena was there to block it because that was the whole plan. She guided the arrow carefully to strike Menelaus right where his belt held his armor on. It struck fast and hung there, quivering for all the world to see. The tip just barely pierced through everything to scratch his skin and draw blood. It dripped from his stomach, down his legs, and into his sandals.
The world froze in a brittle moment. Agamemnon was terrified that he had just watched his brother be murdered by treachery, and Menelaus himself thought he had been struck a mortal blow until he saw that the barbed arrowhead was still trapped in his belt. Agamenon examined his brother, relieved to see he was okay. “I nearly signed your death warrant in letting you be our champion. The Trojans have trampled on their oath and tried to murder you. So be it. We kill every last motherfucker.”
Even so, they sent Menelaus to the doctor, just to be safe. The doc had to take off the belt, the armor, and his undershirt to get the arrow completely out. The Trojans realized that this meant the end of the peace and prepared for battle again. As Menelaus was led away, the Trojan soldiers led an assault on the Greeks. Agamemnon, knowing that his brother was safe, entered the fray with a vengeance. He wanted to kill a lot of goddamned Trojans to make up for having to worry about him.
Agamemnon does some fighting, and then goes among the ranks, meeting the various captains and trading compliments or insults as he sees fit. It doesn’t advance the story, so we’ll skip the details. Ares and Athena both wander through the armies, encouraging the opposite sides. The battle begins to rage in earnest, and Antilochus of the Greeks drives his spear right between the eyes of Echepolus, who was on the front lines. Even as he was falling, King Elephnor of the Abantes, on the Trojan side, was grabbing his body and dragging it behind the front lines to strip it of its valuable armor. Unfortunately, dragging a body left him exposed, and Agenor drives his spear between the man’s ribs. The king collapsed onto the body he’d been meaning to rob, and died as well.
One Ajax, the son of Telamon, slew the young Simoeisius by driving his spear through the boy’s chest near his right nipple (and yes, the story is actually that specific). His spear went clean through his chest and out the back of his shoulder, and it was ripped from his grasp as the boy fell to the blood-drenched earth. Thereon Antiphus, a son of King Priam, saw his opportunity and hurled his spear at the distracted hero. It flew wide of its target though, and struck Odysseus’ friend Leucus right in the nuts (and again, I’m not making that up) as he was dragging away the body of Simoeisius. Dragging away the dead to loot the corpse in the middle of battle is clearly a bad idea as the second man is killed doing exactly that.
Odysseus is enraged that his friend is dead. He leaps into the fray and hurls his spear at Democoon, the bastard son of King Priam. The sharpened bronze ripped into his temple and exploded out the front of his head, just above his eye. The Trojans fell back at this fresh assault, but Hector rallied the troops and pressed the attack. Apollo, watching the whole thing unfold, calls out encouragement to the Trojan army and reminds them that Achilles, the most deadly fighter for the Greeks, is still sitting in his tent nursing his anger.
Diores was fighting alongside Hector, and driving hard into the Greeks at Apollo’s encouragement when a jagged stone was hurled by Peirous, captain of the Thracians, and caught him in the ankle. The well placed rock, launched from a sling, crushed his bones and slit his tendons, and he fell to the ground hands outstretched to his comrades in a desperate plea for salvation. It was not to be. Peirous, seeing his target fall, drew his spear and leapt on the body, driving the point into the man’s guts and disemboweling him there. His last sight was of his own intestines coiled and steaming on his chest.
As Peirous was trying to pull his spear out of the fresh corpse, Thoas thrust his own spear through the man’s chest and into his lungs. The point stuck inside his lungs, and Thoas used it to drag the dying man close to him so that he could draw his sword and rip his stomach out to mingle with the intestines of the man he had just killed. Thoas tried to drag the body away to strip it of its armor and weapons, but Peirous’ comrades charged to protect the body of their dead captain.
Athena decided to spend her effort on empowering Diomed with strength and glory to encourage the Greek army. She made fire flare from his shield and his helmet like the summer sun and bade him to wade into the thickest part of the fight. Two brothers, Phegeus and Idaeus, sons of a Trojan priest of Hephaestus, saw the man charging into battle on foot. They were both in chariots, and so they turned their horses towards the disadvantaged Diomed. Phegeus drew close and hurled his spear on the move, but it flew high over his opponent’s shoulder. Alerted, Diomed turned and hurled his own spear without breaking stride. His aim was true, and the weapon lodged itself in Phegeus’ chest and knocked him off his chariot into the blood and the mud. Idaeus watches his brother fall and, instead of trying to protect his body from looting, turns his chariot and flees from Diomed, afraid that he would just die too if he didn’t run.
Hephaestus sees what is happening and swoops down to save the young son of his priest so that the man wouldn’t have to lose both of his sons in one day. He spirited the young man away from the fight. The Trojan army, seeing one of their greatest warriors dead and another running the fuck away, lose heart. Seeing this, Athena took her brother Ares by the hand and told him that it was time they left the mortals to themselves. Ares relents, and both leave the battle.
With Ares gone, the Trojans are even more dispirited, and the Greeks seize the opportunity. Agamemnon leapt at Odius, captain of the Halizoni, as he raced by in his chariot and yanked him towards the ground. Before he could even hit the earth, Agamemnon drove his spear through the man’s exposed back, killing him. Beside him, Idomeneus speared Phaesus through the right shoulder as he was trying to mount Odius’ now empty chariot, killing him.
Not to be outdone, Menelaus went up against Scamandrius, a mighty huntsman who had been taught his skills by Artemis herself. Scamandrius knows that if he can kill Menelaus, the war is over, so he takes a running leap, spear poised. Menelaus didn’t get to be king of the Spartans by collecting bottle caps, though. He sees the warrior coming and hurls his spear in a twisting, leaping rush and catches the man on the fly with a well-thrown spear. It drove out of his back in a gout of scarlet blood, and he fell to bonelessly to the earth.
Meriones went up against Phereclus, who was a favorite of Athena, oddly enough. He was the one who had made the ship that Paris had sailed to Sparta in, back when all of this started. Meriones watched the man taking a flying leap at a knot of Greek warriors, aimed, and drove his spear into Phereclus’ ass. Again, I can’t stress enough that I am not making up the placement of these wounds. They’re really specified in the story. The spear ripped through his bladder and dropped him to the earth to die a painful death.
After a lot of death, Pandarus sees a chance to drop Diomed, who’s been wreaking havoc amongst the Trojan lines. He aimed his arrow for the Greek man’s heart and fired. The shaft flew betwixt the struggling armies and lodged itself in Diomed’s shoulder, drawing blood. The Trojans cheered. “He’s wounded! That magical son of a bitch is wounded, and he won’t survive much longer if Apollo stays with me!”
Diomed didn’t wait around for the killing blow, and instead drove his chariot back to friendly territory to get a medic. Sthenelus drew the arrow out of Diomed’s shoulder in a spray of blood. A lot of blood. The medic wasn’t sure he’d be able to heal this in a way that would allow him to return to the fight. Diomed wasn’t ready to be out just yet, so he prayed to Athena. “Hear me, Great Athena. If ever you loved our people and stood by them in a fight, stand by me now. Give me the strength to get within a spear’s throw of that bastard that stuck an arrow in me and kill him. He’s already boasting that I’ll never see the sun again, and I want to shut him the hell up.”
Athena heard his prayer and answered. “Fear not, Diomed, to go back into battle with the Trojans. I have filled your heart with the spirit of your father and I have pulled the veil from you eyes so that you can see the gods in disguise amongst the mortals. If a god offers to do battle with you, refuse, unless you see Aphrodite. If you see that bitch, kill her.” Then she vanished.
Diomed smiled a wolfish grin and returned to the fray, three times as fierce as before. He waded through the Trojan soldiers, slaying their champions left and right with wild abandon, until he came to Prince Echemmon and Prince Chromius, sons of King Priam. Both men were in a single chariot, working together. He took two steps and leapt into the chariot between the two men and slew them both before they could react. He stripped both bodies of their rich, royal armor and gave their horses to his comrades to take to the ships.
Aeneas sees this tide of destruction around a single man and goes to find Pandarus. “Where the hell have you been Pandarus? That guy is slaughtering our army, so why haven’t you already shot him? Is it because he is a god in disguise, angry with our city?” “Aeneas, I’m pretty sure that’s Diomed, based on his helmet and his shield. I mean, it could be a god, but I think it’s a dude who just has a god backing him. That’s probably why my shot hit his shoulder rather than his heart. I hit him once, and it nearly killed him. I can probably kill him if I get another shot at it. Unless some god is pissed at me personally, which is definitely possible. I don’t have a horse or chariot, but my father’s stable has eleven brand new chariots, each with a pair of fresh horses. My dad said I should have brought them with me, but for some reason, I didn’t listen. I guess I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to feed them enough here, or maybe I was just engaging in a little teenage rebellion. Either way, I don’t have them. It’s a shame because, even though I’ve hit two of their captains now, I haven’t been able to kill either one. If I ever get home to see my family, I’m going to break this stupid bow in half, and may someone cut my head off if I don’t.”
Aeneas responded “That’s a long story. Needlessly long. Shut up now. Things aren’t going to get better until we mount up together in a chariot and go fight that guy. Do you want to drive or shoot?” “You drive. I’ll shoot.”
They mounted up and sped off towards Diomed, who was still cutting a path of blood and death through the Trojan army. Sthenelus, the part-time medic and part time fighter, saw them coming and nudged Diomed. “Two guys are headed this way. I think you got their attention. One of them is Pandarus, the famed archer, and the other is Aeneas, son of Aphrodite. Let’s get out of here, man. If you keep pressing your luck, you’re going to get killed.”
“Run away? I’m not running, pussy. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘retreat’ and don’t try to teach me. I’m not tired, and I’ve got Athena on my side. I’m going to keep fighting. I guarantee that their horses won’t carry both of them away again. If I can manage to kill both, I want you to tie their horses to yours and drive them all back behind our lines. They’re descended from the horses Zeus gave to Tros in payment for his son Ganymede. Got it?”
While they were busy flapping their gums, Aeneas and Pandarus drew close to the pair and reigned in. “Hey, asshole. How’s the shoulder feeling, after I filled it full of arrow? Since you survived that, I’m going to see how well you can bounce back from a spear instead.” So saying, he raised his spear and hurled it at Diomed, who interposed his shield. The spear burrowed through the shield and drove on until it hit his breastplate. Pandarus crowed. “Ha ha! You’re hit in the belly. You’re dead, son!” Diomed grinned and pulled his shield away, spear still lodged inside. “Wrong, dick. Your aim is as ugly as your face. Now, you two are going to offer your life’s blood to Ares!”
Diomed returned fire with his spear, and Athena gave it a gentle nudge as it flew. The bronze point struck home just below Pandarus’ eye. It crashed through his skull and knocked out his teeth from the inside, and the razor point cut clean through his tongue to protrude out from the bottom of his chin (again, I’m not embellishing at all here). With a crash of armor, the man fell from the chariot to bleed out into the dust, exactly as Diomed had asked Athena.
Aeneas, seeing his friend killed because he had pushed the archer too hard, leapt off the chariot and strode into battle, armed with his shield and spear. He wouldn’t let them make off with his body. Diomed saw him straddling the body, which he wanted to strip for his prizes, but he didn’t have another spear. What he did have was a boulder big enough that it would take two men to lift. With the strength of Athena in him, he lifted it overhead all by himself and hurled it at the surprised Aeneas. It hit him right where his legs join his hips, crushing the joints and tearing the sinews of his legs. The jagged edges of the stone ripped and chewed his flesh, and the man dropped to the ruin of his knees in agony, one hand on the earth the only thing keeping him from dropping face first into the dirt. He should have died then and there had not his mother, Aphrodite, seen his plight and wrapped him up in her arms and covered him in her dress to protect him from any further spears. Then, she carried him safely away from the fight.
Sthenelus, remembering his orders, tied up the horses and led them away to safety before returning to try and find his crazy friend. Crazy was the right word because, having seen Aphrodite steal away his kill, he was now in pursuit of the goddess herself. That had been Athena’s orders, after all, even if it was fairly insane to try and fight a literal god, even one who wasn’t a battle god. She led him a merry chase, but he was merciless, and still invigorated with Athena’s power. After winding throughout the battle, he finally got close enough for a clear thrust, and he took it.
In shock and fear, the goddess lifter her hand to try and protect herself, and the honed point of the spear passed clean through the robe the Graces had woven for her and pierced her wrist right below her hand. Gods do not eat the same food as mortals, so they don’t have blood like a human, but they do have an immortal ichor, and that spurted out in a shimmering fountain as the spear wounded her. She screamed, completely unused to pain, and dropped her son, but her brother Apollo swooped down, caught the man in his arms, and hid him under a cloud of magical darkness. As they fled, Diomed shouted “Leave war to the warriors, sex goddess! Be content with beguiling silly women! If you meddle in the affairs of real men, you learn the meaning of war!”
Iris, the messenger of the gods who had sided with the Trojans, drew the wounded goddess away and took her to see Ares, who was watching the battle from the sidelines. She dropped to her knees and begged her brother to let her borrow his horses. “Please, brother, I need to rise to Olympus! I was badly wounded by a mortal, who is strong enough now to fight even Zeus himself!”
Ares gladly lent her the horses, and she rode home with Iris at her side. She went to see the goddess Dione who, in some versions (including this one), is the mother of Aphrodite. She threw herself into her mother’s lap, weeping dramatically. “I think this is pain! I think this is what pain feels like!” “Okay, honey. It’s okay. Which heavenly being has made you cry this time?” “It wasn’t a god, mother, it was the mortal man Diomed! He stabbed me with a spear because I was trying to rescue my son Aeneas, who I love more than any other human in existence. I definitely have a favorite, and I don’t care who knows it! The war isn’t just between the Greeks and the Trojan anymore, because the Greeks have started fighting the gods!”
“Suck it up buttercup. That’s what it means to be a god. We have to take a lot of abuse from humans, and from each other, honestly. You remember that time that Otus and Ephialtes bound Ares up in a bronze jar for 13 months? Or the time that Hera was shot in the tits by Hercules? Or when Hades was shot by Hercules at the very gates of hell? This is part of being a god, so get the fuck over it.”
As she spoke, she wiped the ichor from her daughter’s wrist and healed the wound, taking away all her pain. That should have made things all better, but Hera and Athena had overheard what had happened, and began to taunt her mercilessly. “It looks like Aphrodite was trying to seduce some Greek women to go with the Trojans, who she looooves so much, and while she was caressing one of the women, she scratched herself on the woman’s jewelry!” Athena’s jibe may have lost something in translation, because it’s pretty tame in comparison to some of the other taunts in this tale.
Zeus called her over to him. “Pretty daughter, you just weren’t cut out to be a warrior. Stick to sex and marriage stuff from now on, and leave the fighting to Ares and Athena.” I’d call him sexist, but he includes Athena as a badass, so I think he just (correctly) sees Aphrodite as a cream puff. She’s a lover, not a fighter.
Meanwhile, back on earth, Diomed saw Aeneas exposed and sprang at him while he was sheltered in Apollo’s arms (which he knew was true, because Athena had given him the power to see through godly veils). It was a bold move, and he didn’t fear the literal god he was attacking so set was he on killing this dude once and for all. Three times he sprang at Apollo, trying to get through to Aeneas’ weak form, and three times Apollo was able to protect Aeneas with his gleaming shield. As the man was gathering himself for a fourth charge, Apollo shouted “Are you mad, human? Give up before you piss off a god, because I promise you, no mere mortal is a match for me!”
Reason finally penetrated Diomed’s battle lust, and he held back from attacking again, giving Apollo time to bear Aeneas away to his temple in Pergamus. Leto and Artemis healed Aeneas and cleaned him up while Apollo went to see his brother Ares. “Bro, you need to do something about this Diomed asshole. He actually attacked and wounded our sister, and then he tried to attack me. He acts like he’s a god himself. Do something, god of war.”
Ares took the likeness of Acamas, chief of the Thracians, and cheered on the Trojan army. “Sons of Troy, how long do you plan on letting your brothers be slaughtered by the Greeks? Are you going to let them walk all over you up to the very city walls? Aeneas has fallen, and we all love him as much as our dear Prince Hector, so who wants to help me save him?”
Hearing this, Sarpedon turned to Hector. “Where is your battle prowess now, huh? You used to boast that you, your brothers, and your brothers-in-law could hold this city all by yourselves, but I look around now and I don’t see a single one of those motherfuckers. They cower behind us like hounds behind lions, and we, your allies, are taking the brunt of the attacks. What the fuck? I’m here fighting, and I’m not defending any of my shit. I’m here to help you, but you need to help us help you.”
Hector was ashamed, because he knew it was true. He got in his chariot and drove it into the heart of the battle, then leapt out with a pair of spears to rally the men. Ares gave his strength to the Trojans, who fought fiercely to grind the Greek advance to a halt. As they fought, Apollo brought the newly healed Aeneas to the field of battle, filled with his own power. His return gave hope to the Trojans, who couldn’t understand how he had gone from nearly dead to deadly dangerous, but they were too busy trying not to die to ask.
Ares fights in secret alongside Hector, and he rips through the enemy like a scythe through wheat. Many men die on both sides, much to the dismay of Hera. She called over her daugher Athena to complain. “We promised Menelaus that he wouldn’t go home until he sacked Troy, the city of Ilius, and we won’t be able to make that happen if we let Ares rage through the Greek army unchecked. We need to stop him. Personally.”
Athena and Hera hooked up their war chariots and drove down to the fight. Athena was dressed in her sweet, sweet armor, which she had made herself. She wore Rout as a fringe on her shield, and bore Strife, Strength, and Panic on her shoulders. On her shield was the head of the dread gorgon Medusa and on her head was a golden helmet. As they rode out, they saw Zeus sitting alone on the peak of Mt. Olympus. “Dear husband, how can you let your son get away with this nonsense? He’s making a mockery out of human free will!” “Fair enough. Send Athena to bitch slap him. She’s better at it than anyone else.”
Athena smiled. This would be fun. She and Hera rode down to where Diomed was fighting in the thick of things. Hera stood and shouted in a voice as loud as 50 men “Shame on you cowards! As long as you had Achilles, you could keep the Trojans driven up to their own walls, but now they are ranging even as far as your ships. What are you going to do about it?”
Her speech goaded the Greeks to fight harder than ever, giving Athena her chance. She dropped down beside Diomed and gave him new strength, as well as easing his wounds. “You’re not as awesome as your father, kid. Your dad was smaller than you, but he was a real fighter. Hell, he rushed into fights even I told him to stay out of, and he won. I asked you to fight the Trojans, and stood by your side, but you are either tired out or afraid, and either way, I say you are not true son of Tydeus.”
“Are you for real, Athena? I am not a coward, and I am not slacking off. I am only following the very specific instructions you gave me not to fight any of the gods but Aphrodite, and I already drove my spear clean through her hand. Ares is rampaging all over the battlefield, which means I can’t go fight him. So don’t blame this shit on me.”
The goddess smiled. “Fair enough. I’m sorry. I changed my mind, you should definitely go fight Ares. Seriously. I’ll be right behind you.” She grabbed Sthenelus out of his chariot and took it as her own, then brought Diomed up with her. She took the reins and charged at her brother, who was busy stripping Periphas’ body of its armor. Athena put on the helmet of Hades, which made her invisible even to another god, so he only saw the mortal man charging at him. Grinning, Ares dropped the corpse and turned to fight. As they drew close, he hurled his bronze spear at Diomed, but invisible Athena grabbed it out of the air and nudged it over the top of the chariot harmlessly. Diomed thrust his own spear in response, and Athena added her strength to the strike, driving the weapon into Ares’ stomach, twisting, and then ripping it back out. Shocked, Ares screamed as loudly as ten thousand men, panicking literally everyone on the field of battle. The bloodiest battle of the war was finally over.
Ares fled home to Olympus, in terrible pain. Even though he was a battle god, he was almost never wounded, and certainly not by a vanilla mortal. Crying, he ran to daddy. “Zeus, did you see what just happened? Look, I’m bleeding! A human made me bleed, and it’s all Athena’s fault! Everyone knows she’s your favorite, because you never get mad at her, and we’re all super upset about it. You should be furious that she’s helping a mortal attack the gods themselves! If I hadn’t run for it, I would definitely have been stabbed so many times that I wouldn’t be able to do anything but lay there with the corpses, suffering. I mean, I’m immortal, so it wouldn’t kill me or anything, but it wouldn’t have been any fun.”
Zeus was less than impressed. “Are you seriously whining about your sister taking a direct hand in mortal events, Mr. Guy who Totally Does that like All the Time? Seriously? You’re as bad as your mother, and it’s her fault that this is happening to you anyway, but I guess it would make me a bad dad if I let you sit there in pain. If you had been the son of literally anyone else, I would throw you into Tartarus with the Titans.”
Zeus had his son healed and cleaned, then summoned back Hera and Athena since they had made things even again (but only after lots and lots of people were dead, much to Zeus’ delight). This is one of the most involved battles in the whole tale, and a lot of really cool stuff happens here than usually get glossed over, so I wanted to spend the time covering it but now that the battle is over for the moment, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monsters are the Aloade.
Aloeus, a son of Poseidon, was married to Iphimedia, a granddaughter of Poseidon. If that wasn’t gross enough, Aloeus was also her uncle, for extra skeeve factor. Together, they had a daughter named Pancratis, which sounds like a disease, but she was renowned for her beauty. She also wanted sons, but for some reason, she decided she was in love with Poseidon who, remember, was her grandfather. This girl had all kinds of problems. Since she had a husband, she couldn’t exactly get on Tindr, but she did the next best thing: she went to the seashore to bathe naked in the ocean. She would sit at the water’s edge and pour sea water over her naked tits and into her pussy. Seriously. This soon catches the attention of the god of the sea, who shows up while she’s giving herself a salty, disgusting douche and agrees to fuck her.
As usual, this immediately results in pregnancy. Twin boys, in fact. The two are named Otus and Ephialtes, which roughly translate to Doom and Nightmare, respectively. Collectively, they were known as the Aloade, to identify them as the sons of Aloeus. As you probably guessed, they weren’t normal kids, and it soon became apparent. The boys grew by nine finger widths every month, and by their teens they were nine fathoms tall, or 54 feet. Oddly, the two giants were also described as being incredibly attractive, outshined in beauty by Orion alone.
When she was older, Pancratis and her mother went together to participate in the orgies of Dionysus, the god of wine and debauchery. In fact, the word “debauchery” has its root in his Roman version, Bacchas. The two women were kidnapped by the Thracian Butes (an ally of Troy) and brought to the island of Strongyle, later known as Naxos. Pancratis was married without her input to the new king Agassamenus, and her mother was married to the king’s friend and lieutenant, her existing marriage notwithstanding. Agassamenus had earned this right by killing another leader, Sicelus, for the honor (or else Sicelus and another man named Hecetorus killed each other, leaving Agassamenus in charge), but they were pretty soon all worm food when Otus and Ephialtes showed up to rescue their mother and sister. They were victorious, but Pancratis died soon after of unspecified causes (possibly childbirth or of injuries sustained during her kidnapping and probable rape).
The brothers reached maturity and decided that they deserved divine brides, given their enormous stature and incredible beauty. They talked it over, and decided to storm Mt. Olympus to kidnap their own wives (which is surprising, given their history with kidnapped relatives). Otus wanted the virgin goddess Artemis, and Ephialtes wanted Hera (who was married to Zeus remember). Say what you like, but they had guts.
They put together a simple, elegant plan. To reach the gods, they would simply pile up three mountains: Mounts Ossa, Pelion, and, confusingly, Olympus. Different authors describe the order differently, but Olympus is usually the bottom mountain. In one account, Apollo slays the two giants, and their souls were bound in the underworld by snakes, back to back so that they could never see one another, and guarded by the nymph of the River Styx in the form of a huge owl, who’s shrieks kept them from speaking to one another. In another version, referenced briefly in today’s story, they somehow manage to kidnap Ares and bind him in a bronze jar for thirteen months, or a lunar year.
The story is only briefly alluded to in the Iliad, probably because the story was so familiar that everyone already knew the details, which means they have been lost to us. What we do know is that this scheme would have been the end of the god of war if the young, beardless giants hadn’t been ratted out by their stepmother Eriobea, who told Hermes what had happened. To secure her brother’s freedom, Artemis offered herself to Otus, which was an unprecedented offer. She had killed fools for even thinking about trying to see her naked.
Ephialtes, with no such offer from Hera, got jealous, and the two brothers fight. Artemis, having already secured Ares’ freedom, sees a chance to get out of this terrible deal and turns into a doe to flee. Neither brother wants to lose their prize, so they both throw their spears to try and stop her. This sounds like a stupid plan, but since she’s an immortal, it’s not like they can kill her. Just hurt her really, really bad and piss her off a whole, whole lot. Unfortunately for them, they weren’t paying attention to where they were standing, which was directly across from one another. Both spears missed Artemis, who dodge nimbly, and struck the other brother dead.
Ephialtes also shows up in Dante’s Inferno, where he’s one of the four giants trapped in the great pit that separates Dis, or the seventh and eighth circles of Hell, from Gocytus, or the ninth circle. It was important that the two got impatient and tried their invasion when they were still beardless teenagers. The two never stopped growing at the same rate, so if they had waited until they were older, and even more massive, they might have actually pulled it off.
That’s it for this episode of Myth Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. I want to thank OCDiscussions for the review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
I was interviewed for an episode of In the Myx a while back, and the episode just dropped! You should check it out on iTunes. It’s a wide ranging discussion of stuff I barely remember myself at this point, so I’ll have to go back and listen too.
Next time, you’ll learn that the movie Step Brothers is totally based on the Trojan War, that Hector had a tender side, and that Paris is very, very selfish. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a man who’s the granddaddy of Greek trickster heroes. Literally. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.